SO found nude pic on my comp

[You Go Girl]

laugh out loud funny. You see, ygg, if I felt guilty about it I would lie... just like your ex.(probably, I mean it POSSIBLE that you met and lost the "perfect" man but chances are better that you were deceived) The reason I dont lie is because I am not ashamed of who I am. I am a very sensitive lover/kisser/hugger. I form deep and real connections with my partners and I feel what they feel. I also jerk off to porn occasionally. The two activities are not related. Porn is a tool... nothing more. When I masturbate without porn I still create the images in my head... The only difference is effort.

 

No, to pretend that your perfect ex didnt is self serving.

 

fryfish...you're lack of confidence is showing...you really should quit with the responses always with a laugh...it betrays you.

I didn't find and lose the perfect man. The perfect man does not exist anymore than the perfect woman does. Be a little rational, eh?

Like I said earlier, some of the men I know who aren't into porn are friends. They have no reason whatsoever, and no motivation, to lie to me. And one is a close friend. So stop assuming things about people you have never met, it is ignorant and arrogant.

[dreamingoftigers]

lol. You assume I am an addict. I am the same person with or without porn. I know because I dont always have porn or the ability to get it. I still masturbate and I still fall in love.

 

and Im not saying that EVERY guy looks at porn... just every NORMAL guy.

 

 

I don't assume that you are an addict. But I also know that from what I have read that just about everyone would become an addict with repeated exposure. Check out thesexaddictedbrain.com

 

Masturbation re-inforces the imagery when the actual porn is not available, your sub-conscious brain doesn't know the difference. I am not trying to bash anyone for what they want to do but I often think that folks don't realize (in this case) the full ramifications of their choices.

[shadowofman]

He actually knew how! He felt it too--how great a kiss could be. He loved to hug, really close wonderful hugs. He was very intimate, and VERY honest.

 

I also am quite capable of being extremely intimate. Maybe Tu can back me up.

 

I agree that it is a self deception to think porn watchers are incapable of intimacy.

 

Lol.... dude, love isnt a choice.. it IS an animalistic desire. It is something that sociopaths arent truly capable of. You are going to end up hurting this girl som... Let her go and find someone more like yourself.

 

Ug. I do have an animalistic desire to love, which is greater than my desire to be promiscuous. I choose to life the love honestly instead of cheating, lying, or remaining silent. I just have to learn to be more sensitive when expressing myself.

 

Wrong again.

For the more refined and advanced mind, conscious choice plays a big part in who they chose to love.

You vote for determinism. I vote for free will.

The first is destiny without choice, the latter a THINKING person's mind.

 

Agreed. Love is a choice in a certain respect. You may have an animalistic desire to love more than one person, but then choose to love (a verb) one person.

 

Let's get to the meat of this--pun intended?

what exactly is the thing you can't sacrifice for anyone?

 

My ability to express my thoughts. I could not live with myself if I had to say things like "I only have eyes for you". This would literally be impossible to accomplish. I would get caught and them be a villain.

 

My dignity. If my SO told me that I could not ever speak to another female in more than a business sense, I would have to demand the same of her relations with men. And while I demanded the same, I would speak volumes as to how this is all very unnecessary. Within this context, confusion and inequality abounds.

For instance, there is nothing wrong with her having a best friend that is an ex, because she is not physically interested in him. I on the other hand cannot have a best girl friend because I am physically interested in millions of women. I suppose I could have a best girl friend if she was not a physical threat to my SO.

[You Go Girl]

lol. You assume I am an addict. I am the same person with or without porn. I know because I dont always have porn or the ability to get it. I still masturbate and I still fall in love.

 

and Im not saying that EVERY guy looks at porn... just every NORMAL guy.

 

What is NORMAL for you is not what every other guy chooses to do out there, or is even drawn to...get over yourself.

This guy just can't understand anyone who doesn't think EXACTLY LIKE HIM.

If they don't, THEY'RE NOT NORMAL.

It's not normal to think that way....!

[tuquoque]

SOM...my love...

 

Although I am glad that you seem to be gaining some sort of perspective and/or understanding of my feelings, it's rather disheartening that it took a group of complete strangers for you to even comprehend why I'm hurt. Throughout our relationship, you have practiced some incredibly destructive behavior; destructive towards our relationship and destructive towards me. (Not that I am laying blame solely on you.) Having said that, I am trying in earnest to make this work, but you seem to be continuing along this same path of destruction, based on some concept that you have of "entitlement". This, of course, being similar to the concept that I am maliciously out to take away your freedoms.

[You Go Girl]

 

 

My ability to express my thoughts. I could not live with myself if I had to say things like "I only have eyes for you". This would literally be impossible to accomplish. I would get caught and them be a villain.

 

My dignity. If my SO told me that I could not ever speak to another female in more than a business sense, I would have to demand the same of her relations with men. And while I demanded the same, I would speak volumes as to how this is all very unnecessary. Within this context, confusion and inequality abounds.

For instance, there is nothing wrong with her having a best friend that is an ex, because she is not physically interested in him. I on the other hand cannot have a best girl friend because I am physically interested in millions of women. I suppose I could have a best girl friend if she was not a physical threat to my SO.

 

Aha. We might be onto something here.

First off, it appears very normal to me for people to recognize the sexuality in others, even friends, of course.

However, for it to be the reason for the friendship--underlying reason--then the friendship is based on lust and flawed.

There's a difference between being aware of the sexuality of a friend--and deciding to imagine them while in bed with your real partner. It is all about choices, and respecting the dignity of the person you love.

 

I highly doubt that your wife asks you to give up your dignity--it sounds as if she loves you very much, and nobody who loves another would do that.

I am so glad that you don't lie and say you only have eyes for her if you don't.

If men would do this more often--and women too--then so many marriages would work out so much better!

This reminds me of the BEST marriages I have ever seen. The H or W states that so and so is HOT, and teasingly, to their spouse. There's nothing hidden! It's appreciating the variety of good looking people on the planet without being a lying sneaky SOB. What they don't do is sneak stares at so and so. What they don't do is pretend they went blind since they married. Johnny Depp is HOT. Your best friend is HOT, BUT, I don't want to have sex with them, because you are enough for me, I love you...and in the best monogamous marriages--the succesful ones--being with you takes away most of my desire for others--and when I feel myself falling into the abyss of lust for a friend, I pull myself out of it to save my love life.

I didn't go blind, but loving you only leaves me satisfied.

[FryFish]

What is NORMAL for you is not what every other guy chooses to do out there, or is even drawn to...get over yourself.

This guy just can't understand anyone who doesn't think EXACTLY LIKE HIM.

If they don't, THEY'RE NOT NORMAL.

It's not normal to think that way....!

Im not talking about "normal for me" Im talking about normal for males. and statistically I am correct. Nothing to get over.

[xxoo]

Because she is my friend and I care about her. If I were to stop talking to her out of respect of my SO's feelings, then I would expect that she stop talking to her ex. Which I am not very comfortable with.

 

Is that reasonable? Her Ex is also her best friend.

 

SOM, I'm actually with you on the friends issue. I couldn't be in a relationship where I was limited to friends of one sex--or where I was asked to stop being friends with truly innocent friends. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

But with all the history here...and having read many of your posts....is it reasonable for her to know and trust that these are truly innocent friendships? Have you acted in ways to wear away her trust in you? If you break her trust, the burden is on you to earn it back. If she has not broken your trust, she would not necessarily need to have the same restrictions on her friendships.

[FryFish]

Although I am glad that you seem to be gaining some sort of perspective and/or understanding of my feelings, it's rather disheartening that it took a group of complete strangers for you to even comprehend why I'm hurt.

He still doesnt understand your hurt... only that you are hurt.

Throughout our relationship, you have practiced some incredibly destructive behavior; destructive towards our relationship and destructive towards me.

destructive behavior is a sign of something-pathy

 

based on some concept that you have of "entitlement".

entitlement is another sign...

This, of course, being similar to the concept that I am maliciously out to take away your freedoms.

looking for pity and "being a victim" is yet another sign...

 

tu... Find someone who actually loves YOU and is not just putting on a show in order to quit looking like somekindofpath...

[jennie-jennie]

Would it be okay for her to have nudie pix of her ex boyfriends? A little momento from someone she was intimate with? Maybe a little reminder of the good times? You wouldn't find that totally disrespectful of your current relationship?

 

I don't get it. Out of respect to my SO, I don't even SPEAK to any of my ex's, much less have naked pictures of them.

 

I have nude pics of one of my exes. I never saw anything wrong with that. An ex is an ex is an ex and is no threat to the current relationship, not in my case anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

SOM...my love...

 

Although I am glad that you seem to be gaining some sort of perspective and/or understanding of my feelings, it's rather disheartening that it took a group of complete strangers for you to even comprehend why I'm hurt. Throughout our relationship, you have practiced some incredibly destructive behavior; destructive towards our relationship and destructive towards me. (Not that I am laying blame solely on you.) Having said that, I am trying in earnest to make this work, but you seem to be continuing along this same path of destruction, based on some concept that you have of "entitlement". This, of course, being similar to the concept that I am maliciously out to take away your freedoms.

 

Hun, my husband has the same problem. You need to set some serious boundaries and stick with them. If he is lying to you then it is an obstacle to acheiving intimacy with you. My husband grew up in a very controlling environment and was constantly doing everything he could to silently "rebel" from my "control." Ironically as soon as I created a standard and held fast to it and took my emotional fits out of it, he seemed to get what all of the noise was about. Sometimes these guys only recognize genuine hurt as being a method to try and control them, as soon as you make it clear (without tears or pouting or yelling and screaming) that "this hurts and if you keep doing it we aren't going to have a relationship because I refuse to have anyone treat me like that, ANYONE" it becomes less of a personal attack to them and more of a boundary that gives them the choice to cross it or not. Oddly enough, me cementing my stance has made more progress then crying for over 400 days straight.

 

The "why" it hurts doesn't matter as much as the fact that it hurts you. State it and make it clear and then give him some space to respond. It may take some time for him to mull it over. Most guys with half of a brain will pick their steady LTR over their douchebag behaviours.

[jennie-jennie]

To each his own, but I find that truly disgusting.

but like I said, to each his own. Especially if you're not in an exclusive relationship.

 

Oh, but I am in an exclusive relationship. But the past is the past and no threat to the present. I can look at the picture of my ex and remember the good times that were.

 

For you to call that "disgusting" is to me disgusting.

[XKatieX]

You say you didn't use it as porn. Then what did you have a topless photo for to look at and smile? Yeah, I highly doubt that.

 

Tu, he obviously doesn't understand which he himself stated, and if he can't understand something as clear as this lets face it, he never will and he will probably continue to do the same things.

 

I would honestly dump his ass (Sorry OP).

Edited May 5, 2010 by XKatieX

[FryFish]

But the past is the past and no threat to the present. I can look at the picture of my ex and remember the good times that were.

If we lived in a world where nobody ever cheated with their ex's then you MIGHT have a valid point... but we do and you dont.

[Art_Critic]

Basically if you masturbated to your alarm clock every morning, eventually your brain would start to link this to being sexually arousing, then if you were to hear an alarm clock, you may find it very arousing. Weird but true.

 

I'm starting tonight

My wife will just wonder why the alarm is going off in the shower

[sweetjasmine]

Porn is a tool... nothing more.

 

If it's just a tool, why do people get so upset at the suggestion that it may have negative effects on some? Why do people get defensive when others say it's often degrading? Why do people get upset when others suggest that some people would be better off using it less?

 

Add me to the list of "best lover I've had doesn't like porn much and rarely looks at it." And it wouldn't bother me if he did.

 

And yet my saying that is going to provoke another "he was lying to you" reaction. Why? Would I get that reaction if I said "the best lover I've had rarely uses a hammer"?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm starting tonight

My wife will just wonder why the alarm is going off in the shower

 

:lmao:

awesome, get one of the one you have to wind up and set, you wouldn't want to only be turned on by electrocuting yourself

[2sunny]

in answer to your original post - SHE can ask YOU to do anything she wants - what YOU decide to do or not do - is completely up to YOU. what action (or no action) YOU take is for her to decide what she can live with (or live without).

 

what YOU do is up to you. she doesn't have to like it - she can always leave if she dislikes it too much for her own personal boundaries.

 

 

SOM...my love...

 

Although I am glad that you seem to be gaining some sort of perspective and/or understanding of my feelings, it's rather disheartening that it took a group of complete strangers for you to even comprehend why I'm hurt. Throughout our relationship, you have practiced some incredibly destructive behavior; destructive towards our relationship and destructive towards me. (Not that I am laying blame solely on you.) Having said that, I am trying in earnest to make this work, but you seem to be continuing along this same path of destruction, based on some concept that you have of "entitlement". This, of course, being similar to the concept that I am maliciously out to take away your freedoms.

 

this seems a bit more narcissistic to me... are you the narcissistic type SOM? be honest...

[FryFish]

If it's just a tool, why do people get so upset at the suggestion that it may have negative effects on some? Why do people get defensive when others say it's often degrading? Why do people get upset when others suggest that some people would be better off using it less?

Probably the same reason regular people get irritated with people who tell them not to use their microwaves and that its giving them cancer... because its unsubstantiated garbage and dont tell me how to cook.

 

 

 

Add me to the list of "best lover I've had doesn't like porn much and rarely looks at it." And it wouldn't bother me if he did.

You should know that there is a world of difference between "never looked at and doesnt like" and "doesnt like much and rarely looks at"... one is a lie and the other is what you said.

 

And yet my saying that is going to provoke another "he was lying to you" reaction. Why? Would I get that reaction if I said "the best lover I've had rarely uses a hammer"?

bleh...

[MizzBlue72]

OK - this is not a popular comment ... but what about looking at porn together??

I don't think there is anything wrong with that ... at all!!

[shadowofman]

But with all the history here...and having read many of your posts....is it reasonable for her to know and trust that these are truly innocent friendships? Have you acted in ways to wear away her trust in you? If you break her trust, the burden is on you to earn it back. If she has not broken your trust, she would not necessarily need to have the same restrictions on her friendships.

 

Seems that her problem with it is because she doesn't trust that my relationship with the ex is just friends. And the pics didn't help my case. I can see that. I have apologized for stroking her insecurity gland, as someone said.

 

He still doesnt understand your hurt... only that you are hurt.

 

True. I would not be hurt by that. That doesn't make me a sociopath.

 

destructive behavior is a sign of something-pathy, entitlement is another sign... looking for pity and "being a victim" is yet another sign...

 

Maybe. But I don't think so. I recognize that my OP was ridiculous. And posted out of frustration. I apologize for that.

 

I have nude pics of one of my exes. I never saw anything wrong with that. An ex is an ex is an ex and is no threat to the current relationship, not in my case anyway.

 

Exactly my feelings, though I understand this is not about my feelings.

 

You say you didn't use it as porn. Then what did you have a topless photo for to look at and smile? Yeah, I highly doubt that.

 

Doubt all you want. I rarely, very rarely looked at them. And when I did, I just looked and smiled. They were not exciting enough to use as a pornographic tool. In addition, I have porn that I rarely look at. And some porn that I have not at all used, but just watched.

 

this seems a bit more narcissistic to me... are you the narcissistic type SOM? be honest...

 

I certainly am. A complex combination of narcissism and self loathing.

 

I am not ignorant

I am intelligent

I'm not an ape

I am the way

I am the truth

I am religion

I am politics

I am a psychoanalyst

I'm an inkblot shaped like Zeus

 

I'm not an egg

I'm a runny yolk

Got no faith

I got no hope

I'm the joke of all existence

I am no one.

 

OK - this is not a popular comment ... but what about looking at porn together??

I don't think there is anything wrong with that ... at all!!

 

This would increase the quality of my happiness by light years, if she were interested as I am. But she is not interested. Therefore watching porn together would be awkward and not exciting.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

And now she claims that I don't love her enough because I knew that she wouldn't be happy that I had them. Can I make the claim that since she demands that I get rid of them that she doesn't love me enough to respect my freedom?

If you cant respect her wishes with in reason then you need to be single and 100% free to do as you want! how would you feel if she was looking at nude men?

[shadowofman]

Again. I wish upon wish that she were interested in nude men. I wish she were interested in looking at nude women. I am interested in both nude men and women. I wish our sexual orientations were closer together and we didn't have the incompatibility. But because I love her, I am attempting to do my best to conform to her standards.

 

Single sounds like a great option for me except for the fact that I NEED love in my life. I NEED HER in my life. I have had gfs with closer sexual compatability, but I didn't love them as much as I love Tu.

 

I do respect her wishes. They are just at odds with my wishes. So I happened to call her wishes foul names. I apologize for this.

[TaraMaiden]

You two are, tara and tigers, are clearly... confused. You had boyfriends that hid the porn from you. Good on them for making you feel good. Bad on them for lying.

.

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

I still have the BF. Our computers are in the same room. I'm on mine, he's on his. I use his sometimes, he uses mine sometimes...I turn mine off, he turns his off. We go to different rooms, to watch TV, eat and sleep.

I'm telling you, he hasn't hidden anything from me, and trust me, I think I know him just a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeettle bit better than you do. 6 years+ better....

Don't judge other guys by your own gutter-level standards dearie. if you watch porn, hide it and lie about it, it doesn't mean other guys do too...

[shadowofman]

I have to say that Fry has a right to be skeptical. A vast (hugely vast) percentage of men watch porn. But it is not impossible to find men that don't. I still think they are strange.