Want a 2nd chance. NEED ADVICE

[Jen]

I broke up with a guy that I had a long distance relationship with in order to date someone that I was more attracted to and lived right in my own town. That turned out to be a huge mistake and I miss the person I dated previously. There were other issues in that relationship, but I want a 2nd chance.

 

We still speak on the phone a LOT though he insists that it is to be friends. He has gone on a couple dates with someone (their 2nd date is to her friend's wedding and to meet her parents for brunch)...Although I asked him for a 2nd chance, he said it hinged on this particular weekend to see if he wants to continue seeing her. As I was the one who broke up with him, now I guess it is my turn to suffer. Should I just let go? Move on? How? OR

 

HOW CAN I GET HIM BACK? DO I HAVE A SHOT?

 

I would think that if he truly cared he would give me a 2nd chance - he did say he's scared I'd do it again, but I really feel like I learned from my mistake. The other piece is that I have not pressed the issue or really even brought it up, but I found out that he was surfing the personal ads on the net even while WE were dating...though he was "heartbroken and devastated" when I broke up with him. What does that mean??

[Tony T]

I wouldn't give five seconds to someone who told me whether or not they got back with me depended on how a date with someone else went. They'd have to be out of their everloving mind to suggest that and so would I if I went along with it.

 

You were highly justified in terminating a long distance relationship in favor of one close by, even if it didn't work out. You have layed the groundwork for new and more constructive relationships with men right in your town.

 

Unless you can date in person, interact in person, communicate often eye to eye, you simply can't have a healthy, traditional relationship where two people can really get to know each other a grow.

 

So give yourself a second chance by opening up to new possibilities right near you.

 

His surfing the Internet dating sites and message boards while the two of you were interacting (not so sure it was really dating) shows he may have an addiction to the Internet and to the imaginary experiences one can glean from Emailing and IMing people who he thinks are or may be members of the opposite sex. He's not alone. You can get some additional insight into this by going to the following MSNBC information site (copy and paste into your browser): http://www.msnbc.com/news/426238.asp?0nm=H313

 

Harmless as it may seem on the surface, attorneys report more and more couples are divorcing over just what your boyfriend was doing.

 

I know you can do a whole lot better than this guy. You yourself may just be addicted to this situation, as smelly as it is. Step back and take some time to evaluate and closely examine why you would want him back and why you would gravitate to someone with whom your personal contact is minimal and who seems to have other problems you don't need on your plate.

[Jen]

Thank you for talking sense to me, however, the heart has a hard time accepting the truth and doing what is right. I think you are right in that I am addicted to the situation, but I can't stop the way I feel at the moment. I would say in 6 months, I will probably be able to look back and know that this is only a bump in the road.

 

As a guy, even though he insists talking nightly or even every other day with me for extended periods as being "Just a friend" (when neither of us talks to anyone else as much), do you think he has ulterior motives?? Is he keeping his options open?

 

How do I get past this? I am the one who is addicted to talking to him!!

 

Thanks for your advice!!

 

Jen

I wouldn't give five seconds to someone who told me whether or not they got back with me depended on how a date with someone else went. They'd have to be out of their everloving mind to suggest that and so would I if I went along with it. You were highly justified in terminating a long distance relationship in favor of one close by, even if it didn't work out. You have layed the groundwork for new and more constructive relationships with men right in your town. Unless you can date in person, interact in person, communicate often eye to eye, you simply can't have a healthy, traditional relationship where two people can really get to know each other a grow. So give yourself a second chance by opening up to new possibilities right near you. His surfing the Internet dating sites and message boards while the two of you were interacting (not so sure it was really dating) shows he may have an addiction to the Internet and to the imaginary experiences one can glean from Emailing and IMing people who he thinks are or may be members of the opposite sex. He's not alone. You can get some additional insight into this by going to the following MSNBC information site (copy and paste into your browser): http://www.msnbc.com/news/426238.asp?0nm=H313

 

Harmless as it may seem on the surface, attorneys report more and more couples are divorcing over just what your boyfriend was doing. I know you can do a whole lot better than this guy. You yourself may just be addicted to this situation, as smelly as it is. Step back and take some time to evaluate and closely examine why you would want him back and why you would gravitate to someone with whom your personal contact is minimal and who seems to have other problems you don't need on your plate.

[Pete]

Jen is he not doing the same thing that you did to him? As for whether he really cares about you. It sounds like you really did not care about him since you broke up with him to be with someone else. You are the one that broke this off and it hurt him. He is correct in suspecting that you might do this to him again. Hurt him once shame on you, hurt him twice shame on him. My advice to you would be to move on and never ever break up with someone if you don't mean it. You initiated this break up and he has a right to be with someone whom he can trust. As for his surfing personal ads, I partly agree with Tony that it could be an addiction. But it also could be natural curiosity. It doesn't neccesarily mean that he was actually going to go through with the ads. Basically it sounds to me like you were looking for a new and exciting relationship and when you couldn't find it you wanted him back like a comfortable old shoe.

[Jen]

Pete,

 

Thanks for your insight (I see your point), however, why do we still talk almost daily still? The reason that I broke up was to explore a relationship in my home town, which ended up being a disaster. However, even while I was seeing the guy who lived in my town, I was STILL talking to Michigan guy all the time...hour every night type thing...does that mean he was hanging in there to see what i'd do?? Why does he still talk to me?? To be cruel? He even commented while I was dating the other dude that he was crazy about me...

 

I truly believe that this is a mistake that i learned from and won't do it again. Well, I was open, honest and communicated what I want from him and so the ball is in his court.

 

Jen is he not doing the same thing that you did to him? As for whether he really cares about you. It sounds like you really did not care about him since you broke up with him to be with someone else. You are the one that broke this off and it hurt him. He is correct in suspecting that you might do this to him again. Hurt him once shame on you, hurt him twice shame on him. My advice to you would be to move on and never ever break up with someone if you don't mean it. You initiated this break up and he has a right to be with someone whom he can trust. As for his surfing personal ads, I partly agree with Tony that it could be an addiction. But it also could be natural curiosity. It doesn't neccesarily mean that he was actually going to go through with the ads. Basically it sounds to me like you were looking for a new and exciting relationship and when you couldn't find it you wanted him back like a comfortable old shoe.

[Pete]

Pete, Thanks for your insight (I see your point), however, why do we still talk almost daily still? The reason that I broke up was to explore a relationship in my home town, which ended up being a disaster. However, even while I was seeing the guy who lived in my town, I was STILL talking to Michigan guy all the time...hour every night type thing...does that mean he was hanging in there to see what i'd do?? Why does he still talk to me?? To be cruel? He even commented while I was dating the other dude that he was crazy about me... I truly believe that this is a mistake that i learned from and won't do it again. Well, I was open, honest and communicated what I want from him and so the ball is in his court.

Jen, First you are right. The ball is in his court. I have been on both sides of your situation. Mostly in your shoes. I didn't want to seem cruel. But I do not tolerate playing with someone's emotions. I have done it before and had it done to me. I have learned and hopefully you have as well. I don't think that he is being cruel. Relationships can be addictive and it sounds like yours is, on both sides. What is happening is that you are seeing is the signs of distance growing between you and neither of you are ready to let go. I think that you figured in some part of your mind that he was always going to be there as an option for you and now that he might be leaving you are scared that you are going to be alone. I was like that with a girl that I dated for 3 years. What I would suggest is to go on ahead with your life (easier said than done I know) and explore other relationships. Sure you regret letting him go, but you have done all that you can. The ball is in his court. Remember that there is not just one person for everyone rather we have a type of person. You will probably continue to talk for awhile but that will end once you are both wrapped in a relationship