Met with ex bf after 1 month! Sunday! what happened!!!!

[lullaby]

Here I am, reporting about my meeting with my ex on Sunday. There is another post with the full story about how we came to this. Well, he made contact and said he wanted to pick up something he had left at my place. So, well, he came on Sunday night, and he was really talkative. He said if he could stay a bit and talk to me, to see how I was doing. So I accepted. We talked a lot, he asked me about my life, trivial stuff you know. He was really nervous and couldn't even look at me, and when he did, he blushed.

Then, suddenly, he shows me his car's key. He bought a car, something he was expecting for quite a long time. I couldn't believe it. And when he did that, he said "would you like to go outside and look at the car?" so I agreed. (By the way, I was talkative too but just in a casual way so as not to give away too much). We got in the car and started driving around. Suddenly, I see we're in Puerto Madero, a really romantic place near the river. So I thought "ok, you're kidding me, this was not supposed to be a date!!" Well, it wasn't, but it really was a romantic moment. He continually made comments about how we were going to live in one of those houses together, and that it had been a really crazy month being apart and complemented me a lot, specially for the time I gave him, he said he was surprised by it and he thanked me for it!! Anyway, we walked a bit and talked about what had happened, but it was small talk, I didn't feel like bringing such an issue so fast. He said he was sorry for the way he acted but I told him I wasn't mad, only hurt but that time had passed and I had came to terms with the separation. He said he knew he still loved me, that there was no one else, and honestly? I believed him, because if he does love me, then he will show it, right? time will tell.

To sum up, there was no physical contact or anything, just nervous glances and smiles, but that was it.

He asked if we could meet again another time, because he was certain he would like to be with me. I told him that time would tell, that I needed time now to think things through because one month apart was too long and I needed to trust him again because I was hurt. He understood and said he knew it was a matter of time, but that he needed to see me now and let me know he would be willing to try again in the future, slowly and to make things work again.

Honestly, I thought he was really sincere and honest, because he never tried to kiss or touch me, or lure me into going to bed, and I think that for now it's the best we can do. To try to take things slowly and begin to know each other again.

The difference now is that he is willing to talk to me and so am I, because I'm no longer angry at him, I kinda understand. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but deep in my heart it feels right this time, you know? I think that this month apart was the best for us, even though I was really hurt at the moment. And I can't tell what's gonna happen now, tomorrow or next week, but at least I know that there is something there, a feeling that lingers and is not going away for neither of us and time will show me what he really feels. I'm trying to take things slowly and not let hope carry me away and fill myself with silly illusions. Perhaps I see him tomorrow or next week, who knows? All I know is that I love him, he is the love of my life, and I'm willing to give it another try.

Just that. I wanted you to know what had happened and see what you think.

Best!!

[supersub]

Here I am, reporting about my meeting with my ex on Sunday. There is another post with the full story about how we came to this. Well, he made contact and said he wanted to pick up something he had left at my place. So, well, he came on Sunday night, and he was really talkative. He said if he could stay a bit and talk to me, to see how I was doing. So I accepted. We talked a lot, he asked me about my life, trivial stuff you know. He was really nervous and couldn't even look at me, and when he did, he blushed.

Then, suddenly, he shows me his car's key. He bought a car, something he was expecting for quite a long time. I couldn't believe it. And when he did that, he said "would you like to go outside and look at the car?" so I agreed. (By the way, I was talkative too but just in a casual way so as not to give away too much). We got in the car and started driving around. Suddenly, I see we're in Puerto Madero, a really romantic place near the river. So I thought "ok, you're kidding me, this was not supposed to be a date!!" Well, it wasn't, but it really was a romantic moment. He continually made comments about how we were going to live in one of those houses together, and that it had been a really crazy month being apart and complemented me a lot, specially for the time I gave him, he said he was surprised by it and he thanked me for it!! Anyway, we walked a bit and talked about what had happened, but it was small talk, I didn't feel like bringing such an issue so fast. He said he was sorry for the way he acted but I told him I wasn't mad, only hurt but that time had passed and I had came to terms with the separation. He said he knew he still loved me, that there was no one else, and honestly? I believed him, because if he does love me, then he will show it, right? time will tell.

To sum up, there was no physical contact or anything, just nervous glances and smiles, but that was it.

He asked if we could meet again another time, because he was certain he would like to be with me. I told him that time would tell, that I needed time now to think things through because one month apart was too long and I needed to trust him again because I was hurt. He understood and said he knew it was a matter of time, but that he needed to see me now and let me know he would be willing to try again in the future, slowly and to make things work again.

Honestly, I thought he was really sincere and honest, because he never tried to kiss or touch me, or lure me into going to bed, and I think that for now it's the best we can do. To try to take things slowly and begin to know each other again.

The difference now is that he is willing to talk to me and so am I, because I'm no longer angry at him, I kinda understand. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but deep in my heart it feels right this time, you know? I think that this month apart was the best for us, even though I was really hurt at the moment. And I can't tell what's gonna happen now, tomorrow or next week, but at least I know that there is something there, a feeling that lingers and is not going away for neither of us and time will show me what he really feels. I'm trying to take things slowly and not let hope carry me away and fill myself with silly illusions. Perhaps I see him tomorrow or next week, who knows? All I know is that I love him, he is the love of my life, and I'm willing to give it another try.

Just that. I wanted you to know what had happened and see what you think.

Best!!

 

Good for you! Just be sure to take things slow and don't have expectation. Just do what feels natural.

[wingman2]

I'm really happy for you lullaby and I wish you all the best. After reading about how the meet went I don't feel so bad about my meet with my ex considering it was really similar. Both me and her were really nervous and pretty much the way u described your meet, that's exactly how mine was. All we did was pretty much talk about what things are going on in our lives and like with u she was the one to initiate contact and was really eager to see me. However there was nothing romantic about it, she didn't make any hints about wanting to get back or try to start something again. In fact I was the one who told her we should get together again sometime and she just responded with maybe occasionally. =(

 

After a week and 3 days I contacted her again asking what her intention was for wanting to talk. After she said that she that she wanted to know how I was feeling and if I missed her and still cared I asked why it was such a concern to her and last night she responded with "isn't it kind of obvious?" Now I kind of got my hopes up and am thinking that's my big hint she wants me back but I shouldn't assume and not get my hopes up. I'm going to respond today, hope it goes well for me too.

 

Just remember to take it slow and sort out your differences. Make sure the problems that led to the break up are identified and acknowledged and through your actions let him see that you've changed or in his case through his actions he will show u those root issues have been fixed.

 

If you want a really good book that'll help you in this process I recommend the book "Getting back together" second edition by Bettie youngs, Ph.D and Masa Goetz Ph.D. The magic of making up is a good one too.

 

Wish u the best of luck.

[lullaby]

Thanks you both.

 

How did it go Wingman2? did you answer?

From my meeting with my ex on Sunday, as I said, I didn't ask things that I knew had no answer for the moment. It's really awkward to start talking about the past relationships because it will bring some sad memories.

From what I've read on other posts about relationships, it's always recommended not to talk about that, but to have a good time and see if the spark is still there, then you can work from there to built a NEW relationship, not to bring the past relationship back. She needs to know you're willing to have a good time with her, enjoy her company, without pushing her for answers, believe, I've been in that situation and it's really annoying. Of course, that from our situation, the dumpee, we suffer a lot in the meantime because we don't know if they're messing with us, but I guess you ex gf is not. You should talk to her but not about love, just have a good time and be yourself and time will tell.

 

As from my case, I could tell my ex didn't want to talk about what happened, he wanted to see how I was doing and to let me know he still loves me and there is no one else, and that he plans on having a future with me. That was enough for me and it still is. Of course, days pass and I miss him more and more but I'll try to wait and take it slowly. We both want to make this work, there were many signs implying that, but it's not going to be done overnight, so there is nothing but to wait. Of course I'm struggling with the idea of calling him, I don't what to do. He made contact, twice, and I don't know whether to call him and see if we can meet again or to wait. He did mention what was I planning on doing for my bday, but it'll be in 3 weeks!!! I can't wait that long!!! this is crazy!!!

[wingman2]

Well I don't know what to think right now. I feel like we're just playing games with eachother and I feel she might be annoyed. I asked if she's implying that she wants to try and work something out and she responded with "what do you mean in something?" I just feel like this is getting us no where. What do I say now? I just feel like apologizing for asking too many questions and then just forget it. I guess if she wants to try and work something she'll just say it. I thought for a while she wanted me back but now I'm just thinking she's messing with me.

[lullaby]

I don't think she is messing with you. I think that it's to soon to ask that kind of questions. Words are carried away, actions are what matter. I think you should tell her that you won't bother her with more questions and that time will tell. And then maybe you can meet someday, but don't think she doesn't want you back, but one thing is to say it, and another to do something about it. I don't... it's really confusing! that's why I don't want to call my ex bf, I don't know what he is going to answer. I have my hopes up but I miss him!!!!

[supersub]

Hey wingman, don't worry too much at this point. Just take it slow and natural. Remember you guys have a past together and that's the hard part of reconnecting, you have to learn to trust each other again, so I don't think its games its just that neither of you wants to let your guard down. Believe you me I have my guard up to, as I am reconnecting with my girl, and I have been through what you are talking about too! You have to realize and appreciate that its a fine start Congratulate yourself for that! You haven't reached the goal line yet sure, but just be cool and don't push for anything. Don't talk about the past, keep it light and fun and she'll remember why she liked you in the first place!

[lullaby]

Good advice supersub!!!! I think that too!!!

 

Now, since we're dealing with this, what should I do? Should I call my ex to meet again or just wait? I don't want to feel rejected, although he did say he would like to see me again, his words we "the next time I see you, I hope you can tell me more about that new job". And when he said goodbye in the car he repeated "We can talk, OK? You know..."

We met on Sunday, and on Monday he sent me a silly mail with a joke but that was it. Should I contact him??

[supersub]

Good advice supersub!!!! I think that too!!!

 

Now, since we're dealing with this, what should I do? Should I call my ex to meet again or just wait? I don't want to feel rejected, although he did say he would like to see me again, his words we "the next time I see you, I hope you can tell me more about that new job". And when he said goodbye in the car he repeated "We can talk, OK? You know..."

We met on Sunday, and on Monday he sent me a silly mail with a joke but that was it. Should I contact him??

 

See the only problem with this is that you are both probably thinking the same thing, and I know that some on here would say DO NOT contact, but the fact that he has left the door ajar by saying "next time.." could bring you to ask him to coffee or lunch, but just remember to be cool, and leave emotions at the door. That way you can see each other and get a feel for the situation. Just don't be too eager. This stuff is not easy I am the first to admit, but remember that he may well be feeling how you are. In his mind he may be waiting on the call from you. What does your gut tell you Lull?

[lullaby]

See the only problem with this is that you are both probably thinking the same thing, and I know that some on here would say DO NOT contact, but the fact that he has left the door ajar by saying "next time.." could bring you to ask him to coffee or lunch, but just remember to be cool, and leave emotions at the door. That way you can see each other and get a feel for the situation. Just don't be too eager. This stuff is not easy I am the first to admit, but remember that he may well be feeling how you are. In his mind he may be waiting on the call from you. What does your gut tell you Lull?

 

Thanks for caring!!! Yes, that's the point. He did leave the door ajar and he knows I was really hurt, so he may be fighting against his inner desires of contacting me so as not to push me.

I know I will leave emotions aside because I already did. The moment he wanted to talk about our past relationship I said "what is done, is done. Time passed. let's see how it goes from here and we'll have enough time to sort everything out, let's not do it today".

Besides, I know he may be feeling timid to show what he wants. Remember he used the sword as an excuse to meet me, so... He even took my lighter and kept it and said "now I have another excuse". And there were many other signs that he still loves me. He was even wearing a jacket I had given him as a present! what is the need for that? and he said "see? look what I'm wearing".

I know many would say "don't contact him" but my gut tells me he is in the same position as me, waiting for sth to happen but not daring to do a single thing so as not to be rejected.

I have a trick up mine's sleeve though. I have an email from people we met in Brazil on holidays, and they wrote back greeting both of us, but my ex is not copied on the email, perhaps I could send that to him as to "start" some sort of conversation, but I don't know... I guess I can wait till tomorrow so as not to be to impulsive, right????

[supersub]

Thanks for caring!!! Yes, that's the point. He did leave the door ajar and he knows I was really hurt, so he may be fighting against his inner desires of contacting me so as not to push me.

I know I will leave emotions aside because I already did. The moment he wanted to talk about our past relationship I said "what is done, is done. Time passed. let's see how it goes from here and we'll have enough time to sort everything out, let's not do it today".

Besides, I know he may be feeling timid to show what he wants. Remember he used the sword as an excuse to meet me, so... He even took my lighter and kept it and said "now I have another excuse". And there were many other signs that he still loves me. He was even wearing a jacket I had given him as a present! what is the need for that? and he said "see? look what I'm wearing".

I know many would say "don't contact him" but my gut tells me he is in the same position as me, waiting for sth to happen but not daring to do a single thing so as not to be rejected.

I have a trick up mine's sleeve though. I have an email from people we met in Brazil on holidays, and they wrote back greeting both of us, but my ex is not copied on the email, perhaps I could send that to him as to "start" some sort of conversation, but I don't know... I guess I can wait till tomorrow so as not to be to impulsive, right????

 

 

Hi again,

 

Right where are we...? He is dropping hints and they are pretty good signs from what I can tell. This is sometimes where the whole NC thing can fall into a grey area if there are signs that they are coming back. We all know that NC is to work on yourself, but it also does create a gulf in trust between the parties if it ever comes back around. What if you are both waiting for the other to instigate? At the end of the day if you are going to get back together then one of you has to make a move. It should be the dumper, but when you have this (pre getback / or split for good) stuff it only serves to muddy the waters a little more as to who should make the next move and when.

 

I think that there are some good signs here, and I think the email could be used as a good catalyst at this point. i.e you get to keep your pride in tact.

 

However beware to never be too eager because it doesn't matter what they say, its what they do, and I know that they can easily pull the rug away as quickly as they laid it if you are over eager, just to get some power back. Personally, from what I see. You have a shot at it. I would probably go for it on the info you told me, but just keep the eagerness in check, and keep your wits about you. Sound good?

 

Getting back is very hard because once you start the process you have to know when to push and pull. I have been doing it for a couple of weeks to get where I am. Its tricky like a tightrope. Just make sure you follow your gut, with a clear head. No emotion. There is still a long road for all of us..

[lullaby]

Hi again,

 

Right where are we...? He is dropping hints and they are pretty good signs from what I can tell. This is sometimes where the whole NC thing can fall into a grey area if there are signs that they are coming back. We all know that NC is to work on yourself, but it also does create a gulf in trust between the parties if it ever comes back around. What if you are both waiting for the other to instigate? At the end of the day if you are going to get back together then one of you has to make a move. It should be the dumper, but when you have this (pre getback / or split for good) stuff it only serves to muddy the waters a little more as to who should make the next move and when.

 

I think that there are some good signs here, and I think the email could be used as a good catalyst at this point. i.e you get to keep your pride in tact.

 

However beware to never be too eager because it doesn't matter what they say, its what they do, and I know that they can easily pull the rug away as quickly as they laid it if you are over eager, just to get some power back. Personally, from what I see. You have a shot at it. I would probably go for it on the info you told me, but just keep the eagerness in check, and keep your wits about you. Sound good?

 

Getting back is very hard because once you start the process you have to know when to push and pull. I have been doing it for a couple of weeks to get where I am. Its tricky like a tightrope. Just make sure you follow your gut, with a clear head. No emotion. There is still a long road for all of us..

 

You're awesome! Yes, I know there are pretty good signs, and it's been a month since we're apart, and it can be a long or a short time, but it was really intense and there was no contact from my part during the entire month.

I guess I'm gonna try to pass the weekend (if he doesn't show up first) and send him an email on Monday. I don't know, I'll try. I dont want to push things and I feel that if I contact him today or tomorrow he may think I want to meet this weekend and it may be too soon. Let's see. I think Monday will be a good excuse. Besides, he has an exam on Tuesday and I can wish him good luck with that, ergo, a reason for him to let me know how did it go, right? I sound crazy!!!! LOL!

 

You're having your date on Sunday, right?????? I wish you the best!!!!

[supersub]

You're awesome! Yes, I know there are pretty good signs, and it's been a month since we're apart, and it can be a long or a short time, but it was really intense and there was no contact from my part during the entire month.

I guess I'm gonna try to pass the weekend (if he doesn't show up first) and send him an email on Monday. I don't know, I'll try. I dont want to push things and I feel that if I contact him today or tomorrow he may think I want to meet this weekend and it may be too soon. Let's see. I think Monday will be a good excuse. Besides, he has an exam on Tuesday and I can wish him good luck with that, ergo, a reason for him to let me know how did it go, right? I sound crazy!!!! LOL!

 

You're having your date on Sunday, right?????? I wish you the best!!!!

 

Thanks Lull!

 

You know from the opening thread I think that the lack of eye contact and blushing was a little bit of fear from him that you would sink his ship so I think whatever you do right now, I'm 90 percent sure it would be okay. Just don't over-think it. Just do what feels natural, and don't get put in a position where he can turn the tide. Know what I mean?

 

Yes I am supposed to have my date on Sunday, so we will see. I feel very calm and collected and I know that whatever the outcome. I will be just fine. Its just a date after all. I already have plenty to occupy me this weekend.

[wingman2]

Here's something someone said on another forum as a response to my stor

 

"Dude, YOU are the bore. You initiated no contact, then when you had your chance to win her back, you acted all distant and disinterested. You get what you deserve for playing this dangerous game with another human being's heart. Seriously, what did you expect her to do? Chase after someone who acts like a cold-hearted disinterested putz? After she opened up the chance to work it out with you, you acted too cool for school, and you actually expected her to...what? She (rationally) gave you back just what you were giving her. You gave her no ground to stand on and nothing to work with. What a putz. Enjoy your lonliness, mr. game playn' putz!"

 

I'm not taking his message to heart, even though he makes it sound as if I made a big mistake by not taking more action when she had contacted me. Do you believe there may be some truth to what he is saying? She never said she wanted to get back together, that's why I'm confused if I am on the road to reconciliation but I trust that you know what you're talking about. Just sending messages with her back and forth this week, it doesn't seem like it's what she wants since she never answered my questions. I really have the feeling she just really didn't want to respond to me. When she asked me "isn't it obvious" in my mind I really didn't know, I wasn't trying to get her to come forward and say if she wants to give it another shot or just end if for good. I simply just want to find out what her intention was for wanting to know how I'm feeling and whether or not I still care considering she pretty much stated in the breakup that she has no intention to have something with me ever again or ever be part of her life again. Also I believe I made it pretty obvious when I asked if she's implying that she wants to try and work something out. But she never answered with either a yes or no, just threw another question at me wondering what I mean by something. It makes me believe that there perhaps is something she wants to work out, it just might not be the same something I'm thinking about. When she contacted me and admitted that she had missed me but was confused whether she wanted to talk or not, I had the impression she just wanted to start a friendship with me but nothing more than that, and perhaps maybe that's what she wants now. I think I made it pretty obvious asking her that question, and it's a little suspicious considering she neither gave me a yes or a now and once again I'm still in the same spot. I just really hope that from your POV it really looks like we're heading on a steady road.

[supersub]

Here's something someone said on another forum as a response to my stor

 

"Dude, YOU are the bore. You initiated no contact, then when you had your chance to win her back, you acted all distant and disinterested. You get what you deserve for playing this dangerous game with another human being's heart. Seriously, what did you expect her to do? Chase after someone who acts like a cold-hearted disinterested putz? After she opened up the chance to work it out with you, you acted too cool for school, and you actually expected her to...what? She (rationally) gave you back just what you were giving her. You gave her no ground to stand on and nothing to work with. What a putz. Enjoy your lonliness, mr. game playn' putz!"

 

I'm not taking his message to heart, even though he makes it sound as if I made a big mistake by not taking more action when she had contacted me. Do you believe there may be some truth to what he is saying? She never said she wanted to get back together, that's why I'm confused if I am on the road to reconciliation but I trust that you know what you're talking about. Just sending messages with her back and forth this week, it doesn't seem like it's what she wants since she never answered my questions. I really have the feeling she just really didn't want to respond to me. When she asked me "isn't it obvious" in my mind I really didn't know, I wasn't trying to get her to come forward and say if she wants to give it another shot or just end if for good. I simply just want to find out what her intention was for wanting to know how I'm feeling and whether or not I still care considering she pretty much stated in the breakup that she has no intention to have something with me ever again or ever be part of her life again. Also I believe I made it pretty obvious when I asked if she's implying that she wants to try and work something out. But she never answered with either a yes or no, just threw another question at me wondering what I mean by something. It makes me believe that there perhaps is something she wants to work out, it just might not be the same something I'm thinking about. When she contacted me and admitted that she had missed me but was confused whether she wanted to talk or not, I had the impression she just wanted to start a friendship with me but nothing more than that, and perhaps maybe that's what she wants now. I think I made it pretty obvious asking her that question, and it's a little suspicious considering she neither gave me a yes or a now and once again I'm still in the same spot. I just really hope that from your POV it really looks like we're heading on a steady road.

 

Wingman,

 

Don't worry about this stuff. she is confused and its nagging on your thoughts, no doubt in my mind. Let me tell you that this will be the case for a while, but you are not out of the game yet, you just need to know when to push and when to pull back. You also need to realize your own importance and not stress it too much when it happens. You have to be fun even if the atmosphere is a bit heavy I have used this technique with my situation, even after my girl said there was absolutely no way we would ever get back together then 5 months pass and she says she does, then I didn't, because I had trust issues. See how the tables can turn? Like I said to Lullaby its a very tricky road after NC then you start having LC, because you both tend to have your guard up and you should! But here's the key to turning that around. If you two do decide to hang out again, and that would be the next logical step. Make it fun, sure there will be awkward moments, but just ride them out, keep smiling, and do things that are positive that will make her remember the things she really liked about you in the first place. Don't push serious questions. I know its hard not to, but don't do it, keep it light. Let it happen naturally, that's how it works when you reconnect. There will be a time for talking about the heavier stuff but its not now. She wants to see the fun guy, so be him. Don't be Mr nice, be Mr fun.

 

And btw the way no I don't think there is any truth to what that guy said on the other forum. There are many, many chances in a reconciliation if there are residual feelings. Which there are here. Don't sweat that. In fact playing it cool is never a bad thing. Now you need to show the fun side, not the serious side. Okay. Go forward my friend. You'll be fine. Confidence.

[lullaby]

Wingman,

 

Don't worry about this stuff. she is confused and its nagging on your thoughts, no doubt in my mind. Let me tell you that this will be the case for a while, but you are not out of the game yet, you just need to know when to push and when to pull back. You also need to realize your own importance and not stress it too much when it happens. You have to be fun even if the atmosphere is a bit heavy I have used this technique with my situation, even after my girl said there was absolutely no way we would ever get back together then 5 months pass and she says she does, then I didn't, because I had trust issues. See how the tables can turn? Like I said to Lullaby its a very tricky road after NC then you start having LC, because you both tend to have your guard up and you should! But here's the key to turning that around. If you two do decide to hang out again, and that would be the next logical step. Make it fun, sure there will be awkward moments, but just ride them out, keep smiling, and do things that are positive that will make her remember the things she really liked about you in the first place. Don't push serious questions. I know its hard not to, but don't do it, keep it light. Let it happen naturally, that's how it works when you reconnect. There will be a time for talking about the heavier stuff but its not now. She wants to see the fun guy, so be him. Don't be Mr nice, be Mr fun.

 

And btw the way no I don't think there is any truth to what that guy said on the other forum. There are many, many chances in a reconciliation if there are residual feelings. Which there are here. Don't sweat that. In fact playing it cool is never a bad thing. Now you need to show the fun side, not the serious side. Okay. Go forward my friend. You'll be fine. Confidence.

 

Well said Sup! I love how you make something so difficult sound so hopeful! I couldn't agree more. Wing, the moment I tried to ask my ex bf sth serious regarding our relationship, was the hardest moment of all because he just couldn't give me a straigtforward answer and I died inside. And the other day, I just let him speak and just listened. Time will tell you if she still loves you or not. Try to keep questions to yourself and have confidence on you. I don't think it was wrong the way you behaved, YOU WERE HURT! What were you supposed to do???? She can understand and I'm sure she has. I would advice the two of you to meet and have A GOOD TIME! something that brings both those fond memories and happy moments you used to share. What is done, is done, and you should make peace with the fact that you're putting your calculating mind on the side, beeing cool about it and that you know how to handle this. It's extremely tough, I KNOW! but there's no other way if you really want to make this work!!

[supersub]

Also something I did forget to write is that it is not in your interest to reconnect as friends. You don't want to talk everyday or submit to friendship because you will end up in the friend-zone and once you are there its very difficult to break out of, so you have to have your own life. Don't always be available for her, show her you have a life and aren't just sitting around pining and waiting. I did all that stuff and it will not help you one bit You need to appear and disappear at the right times even when you are reconnecting, so you can avoid the friendship nonsense.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Now I will admit it feels unnatural going back and forth like this, but that is the tactic I have employed and its working right now. When it doesn't work is when you are employing the wrong tactic at the wrong time.

 

Be the prize.

[wingman2]

Thanks sup. I appreciate all the advice you've been giving me. Same for you too Lullaby. Few things I have to ask though. How exactly do I go on about this push pull tactic? I know what it is but for instance 2 nights ago I stopped asking her those questions and allowed her to reach out to me this time. Well she did it sooner than I had expected. She messaged me this very night, out of nowhere just asked "hey what are you doing right now?" knowing my ex the only time she's ever asked what I'm specifically doing at a current time was always followed by "think you can give me a call?" so I know for certain she is wanting to talk. However I'm a bit stumped at the moment. I haven't replied back and I'm thinking of just getting back to her tomorrow. For one thing it's 11:16 pm right now and she wrote me kind of late so I don't think it will hurt to put off my response for tomorrow. Also just like you said I don't want to appear always available to her, I don't want to give her the impression I'm just sitting around waiting like you said and to top it all off Im not feeling all too well tonight so neither am I really in the mood to talk.

 

However I sometimes get this fear of what if she thinks I'm ignoring her or she grows annoyed by me not responding in time and loses interest in me? Could that happen? I know it's late so maybe it won't hurt to put it off till tomorrow. I think she will understand but still not sure exactly how to handle the moments. I know she wants to talk tonight but what if tomorrow she changes her mind? Idk. What do you suggest? For example let's say my ex calls, do I answer the phone? Would I not answer and instead give her a call back later or wait until she calls again to respond? What if she calls and I see I've missed her call. Would it be reasonable to call her back sometime? Also the messages, would I reply back to them as soon as I've finished reading or would it be more reasonable to put off sending anything back for several hours or the next day or even longer? I don't want to just be ignoring her, but at the same time don't want to be available to her whenever. I don't think putting it off till tomorrow will hurt anything. It's Friday night and she could easily just think that I'm not around to check my messages but if I get back to her tomorrow it should be fine. She came around this time sooner than I thought. If I'm doing the wrong thing by putting off my response please let me know. I really want to be sure I'm doing this right.

[supersub]

Thanks sup. I appreciate all the advice you've been giving me. Same for you too Lullaby. Few things I have to ask though. How exactly do I go on about this push pull tactic? I know what it is but for instance 2 nights ago I stopped asking her those questions and allowed her to reach out to me this time. Well she did it sooner than I had expected. She messaged me this very night, out of nowhere just asked "hey what are you doing right now?" knowing my ex the only time she's ever asked what I'm specifically doing at a current time was always followed by "think you can give me a call?" so I know for certain she is wanting to talk. However I'm a bit stumped at the moment. I haven't replied back and I'm thinking of just getting back to her tomorrow. For one thing it's 11:16 pm right now and she wrote me kind of late so I don't think it will hurt to put off my response for tomorrow. Also just like you said I don't want to appear always available to her, I don't want to give her the impression I'm just sitting around waiting like you said and to top it all off Im not feeling all too well tonight so neither am I really in the mood to talk.

 

However I sometimes get this fear of what if she thinks I'm ignoring her or she grows annoyed by me not responding in time and loses interest in me? Could that happen? I know it's late so maybe it won't hurt to put it off till tomorrow. I think she will understand but still not sure exactly how to handle the moments. I know she wants to talk tonight but what if tomorrow she changes her mind? Idk. What do you suggest? For example let's say my ex calls, do I answer the phone? Would I not answer and instead give her a call back later or wait until she calls again to respond? What if she calls and I see I've missed her call. Would it be reasonable to call her back sometime? Also the messages, would I reply back to them as soon as I've finished reading or would it be more reasonable to put off sending anything back for several hours or the next day or even longer? I don't want to just be ignoring her, but at the same time don't want to be available to her whenever. I don't think putting it off till tomorrow will hurt anything. It's Friday night and she could easily just think that I'm not around to check my messages but if I get back to her tomorrow it should be fine. She came around this time sooner than I thought. If I'm doing the wrong thing by putting off my response please let me know. I really want to be sure I'm doing this right.

 

You already answered your own question wing. You stopped the heavy questioning and bam! She starts chasing you after you drop a little NC for a bit. See? That's how easy it is. Loosen your grip and they want to know why. Take the evening as I'm sure you have to decide when to message back. It was late, so next morning would be fine. Try to be fun though. Keep it light, don't try to open it up to serious. I did that several times, and I've found what works is to just be me. The guy Ive always been, fun, and humorous, but there is still work to do, and believe you me, reconnecting is a tough process. The balance can always tip if you let it, because they will do their power plays too, the key is to not let them phase you. It depends on your self esteem, and also your power level. Its very simple. The more you let something go the more it will try to come back. If they say I'm busy, or not interested, blah blah blah, just agree with them. Do the reverse. They will wonder why, maybe not immediately but they will at some point.

 

Other advice that I can give is that later on if you guys start to hang out more and it seems more positive don't always be available. say something like "Hey I would like to hang, but I am busy________ (insert excuse) that day. This peeks their curiosity, and its a great move because you can always reschedule like a day or two later. Its like psychological judo. She'll be wondering why you can't be available when she asks you to. See? You are taking control. Even if you are bull****ting and aren't doing anything just make something up. Ideally though you should be working on your fitness and friends etc. etc.

 

You also have to get a little busier so you are not always hanging by the phone, dont let it rule you. You can also say. "Hey was busy last night, sorry Im only just getting back.... etc. That's one of the tactics I employed. I did it and other things and I had my first proper date with my girl this weekend. Its not us back together yet, I know that. There is still work to be done, but its a start!

 

Also never worry you are ignoring her, its a great tactic. she will want what she cannot have. Her having the idea that you are ignoring her, will only aid your cause.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Be the prize man, you can start the reconnect process. You are in better shape than I was! Seriously. Not saying that will marry this chick, but you have a shot a second chance. Without a doubt in my mind, but you have to play your game.

[wingman2]

Thanks man. You're one of the few who are of very good help on this site. Not implying other user's are not helpful, I believe everyone here is to some degree but I feel like you understand my situation more vividly and I appreciate the advice and tips to help me through this process.

 

So far, I wrote her back the next day, but sort of made a mistake here I guess by telling her I went to bed at the time she texted me. She wrote back saying that's fine but she just wanted to know if I wanted to talk for a little bit. Knowing my ex, whenever she ask's to talk just for a little bit always implies that there's something she wants to talk about, a specific something or something important and I know she won't be breaking up with me since that's already been done. I could be wrong, maybe she does want to chit chat but it really seemed as if she wanted to talk about something. Well I wrote back not right away but after, telling her that I can't talk to her at the moment I have to run a few errands. She then didn't respond until again late last night around 11:30ish and at that time I didn't respond once again, not until today when I wrote her saying I'm just hanging out with my friend which I was earlier. I really was running errands the other day too.

 

Well finally tonight she gets back to me and just ask's how my day went, and this time I didn't hesitate to not respond, I just simply wrote her saying I hung out with my friend earlier and then took my mom to Ihop for Mother's day together with my sister. Well that was an hour ago and she hasn't gotten back to me since. I hope I'm doing this right.

 

One question though, do I tell her the things I'm doing? For instance telling her I'm running errands, asleep, hanging out with my firend, are all those ok for me to say as an excuse for not talking to her? I feel like she'd just ask anyway but I'm not sure if it's fine to tell her or if I should just keep it more mysterious and not too open with her. Also I feel as if my messages aren't too exciting, they do come across a bit too serious but at the same time I hope it's getting the message across that I'm enjoying my new life and doing things for myself. I should be myself a bit more, just somedays I'm still aching about it. Also is it reasonable to ask questions back? Such as her asking how my day went, would it be the proper thing to ask her back? Normally I would but it's also due to fear, sometimes I'm just scared she might say something like "oh I was with my new boyfriend earlier today, blah blah blah" and I know that would really get to me if I hear that. But I don't know. I don't know if she is seeing someone, I don't think so or at least I hope not. I hope I'm doing this right.

 

She hasn't gotten back to me and neither do I think she will. I'm thinking of just not saying anything. I already wrote her back so I don't see why I should ask where she went. She might just be playing this game with me now, asking how my day went and then just disappearing. Who knows. But anyway wish me luck and I would appreciate some more tips regarding those questions I asked.

[lullaby]

Yeah! I agree with wing! Take his word for it. I think you should take it slowly and whenever you talk to her, don't ask about the relationship, just go with the flow and don't be available all the time, answer when you feel. Don't think that much, I know it`s hard, IT IS! But you have to do it and you'll see how you become stronger and stronger.

I'll answer the other question you made on another post, remember? about my ex bf. Yes, he tried to contact me and that didn't help at all, that only drove me away from him because I couldn't stand his suffering, I was crushing him. A couple of months after the break up, I said I wanted to get back together, and he said he didn't know. We talked almost everyday, but he was already seen other girl, and I told him I would not share him with her, but he never left her, so our second chance never came. He still wrote and called and even said he still loved me like the first day, but he was with sb else. So time passed, and then I moved on because he didn't want to get back with me, he said he was so hurt that he wouldn't risk being hurt again by me and that he would not have the strength to carry on if I hurt him again. So, that was it. I then started to date someone else, we still talked but only as "friends", but nothing ever happened, until I met my actual "ex bf" almost 2 years ago and so I asked to cut all contact with him and there it goes.

What I meant by "not having the same goals" was that he hadn't even started a career, and I was onto my second, so I felt he was stuck and giving up on having a good job. That let trouble get in the way and we started fighting about money and stuff like that, and that affected the rest of the problems.

 

How did the date go Super?

By the way, I SENT MY EX BF AN EMAIL! Let's see what he answers!

 

best!

[supersub]

Yeah! I agree with wing! Take his word for it. I think you should take it slowly and whenever you talk to her, don't ask about the relationship, just go with the flow and don't be available all the time, answer when you feel. Don't think that much, I know it`s hard, IT IS! But you have to do it and you'll see how you become stronger and stronger.

I'll answer the other question you made on another post, remember? about my ex bf. Yes, he tried to contact me and that didn't help at all, that only drove me away from him because I couldn't stand his suffering, I was crushing him. A couple of months after the break up, I said I wanted to get back together, and he said he didn't know. We talked almost everyday, but he was already seen other girl, and I told him I would not share him with her, but he never left her, so our second chance never came. He still wrote and called and even said he still loved me like the first day, but he was with sb else. So time passed, and then I moved on because he didn't want to get back with me, he said he was so hurt that he wouldn't risk being hurt again by me and that he would not have the strength to carry on if I hurt him again. So, that was it. I then started to date someone else, we still talked but only as "friends", but nothing ever happened, until I met my actual "ex bf" almost 2 years ago and so I asked to cut all contact with him and there it goes.

What I meant by "not having the same goals" was that he hadn't even started a career, and I was onto my second, so I felt he was stuck and giving up on having a good job. That let trouble get in the way and we started fighting about money and stuff like that, and that affected the rest of the problems.

 

How did the date go Super?

By the way, I SENT MY EX BF AN EMAIL! Let's see what he answers!

 

best!

 

Hi guys, Lull, Wing. My good friends!

 

Its important to note, that legends on here such as Cali-guy, Tara Maiden and Reardon Metal (read his coping log, he's a machine and I'm well proud of him!) give great advice that I have followed to a tee. As CG has stated time and time again, NC was about improving myself, not getting my girl back. I thought she was history. It was only after my girl saw the changes that contact started and it started from her.

 

We started the reconnection process. It's at this point that it can be painfully hard to get your balance and know what to do cos everybody's guard is held high (push and pull, don't accept crumbs.) My advice is to be fun and happy no matter what (be the prize.) Then things just seemed to happen in a positive way.

 

You also have to be prepared that even when things are looking good the rug can be pulled at any point. The key to dealing with that is to not let it affect you, because another opportunity WILL arise. A great example of this is in the movie 'A Few Good Men' Tom Cruise says to everyone on his defense team "If something goes wrong, don't let the jury see you flinch, act as if you knew that was what was going to happen.." Understand? It's about getting your power and keeping it, being the hero, being the trophy.

 

There are still many hurdles to cross here my friends, so keep your wits about you, keep your power, and most of all believe in yourself no matter what.

 

At the end of the day I can advise you, but I cannot do it for you. My situation isn't over yet, its just working well for now.. You have to follow your gut, don't second guess yourself. Like Lull said confidence is the key!

 

Peace to you both.

 

Oh Lull, btw. Date was like a first date. We just had fun. That's what its all about! Leave emotion and seriousness at the door. It felt like renewal and yes she hugged and kissed on me a bunch. I did feel like her hero, and I did look and feel great!

 

Its still not over yet though! Lots to do. Life has a habit of kicking you in the arse so always watch for it!

[supersub]

Whops sorry guys. Cool you sent the email Lull. Let me know about the response, and Wing, yes tell her what your doing but not too much detail. Always Leave them hungry for more!

 

Hope that helps!!!

 

Supersub.

[lullaby]

Thanks, sup. Yeah, I know they're like mentors, it's just that I didn't get the chance to read their posts that much and never got advice from them either, but I bet you're right about them.

Let's see how it goes. He hasn't answer yet, but many things could have happened so...

I'm glad to hear your date when fine, and yes, remember that feeling heartbroken is the worst, so whoever brings a bit of hope is like too much!!

Stay strong!

 

I'll keep you posted!

[supersub]

Thanks, sup. Yeah, I know they're like mentors, it's just that I didn't get the chance to read their posts that much and never got advice from them either, but I bet you're right about them.

Let's see how it goes. He hasn't answer yet, but many things could have happened so...

I'm glad to hear your date when fine, and yes, remember that feeling heartbroken is the worst, so whoever brings a bit of hope is like too much!!

Stay strong!

 

I'll keep you posted!

 

Thanks Lull,

 

All you have to do is carry on your life as normal, work on you, stay busy and the answer will come. Its not over yet. Not by a long shot! Remember while you are playing your game they are also pondering theirs, always factor a few days or even weeks for that. In situations like this I have no doubt. Especially with what you have told me in your threads. There are literally 100s of chances, and even chances for errors on your part. Oh yes, I've made tons of mistakes to get where I am, and who knows maybe I will just be left with my self respect, but its better than nothing. Every time I got too emotional or went too far, I re-calibrated my senses to the task in hand, re-focused and reclaimed my power again.

 

Hope springs eternal.

 

Supersub.