Met with ex bf after 1 month! Sunday! what happened!!!!

[2sunny]

IF he wants to see you - he will. since he's not making this his TOP priority - just understand that his top priority is not YOU.

 

you wanted to tell him you would like to see him tonight... what's wrong with honesty? tell him.

 

words should equal action.

 

if YOU expect to see him - say so.

 

since he didn't say he plans to see you tonight = he has other priorities.

 

 

if it were me - i'd stay really busy... having fun. IF and when he might want to make me the top priority - HE would need to be clear about making sure he made time for me.

 

 

this is clear - he has other things going on and you are an after thought. that isn't enough... and don't allow him to think that it is.

 

i stand by my original assessment given his latest actions.

 

he made "maybe" plans on a Saturday night with a friend? that says everything.

 

you are still not his top priority.

 

he didn't ask you for Sat. (date night) in the relationship world. even IF a man is only asking for a Friday night and never Saturday night - it is a big red flag that someone else has that Saturday slot.

 

i think you did great by speaking up and telling him that he's not making n effort. you did great. now get busy having fun. he's distracted - no reason to wait around for him to decide... you make this decision for yourself.

[2sunny]

this is not what a path of reconciliation looks like. what you have described looks like a man that's hanging around checking in with you when he doesn't have anything else going on.

 

 

expect more = or you will settle for a guy that pays attention to you when it's slightly convenient for him.

 

see how this also looks familiar? yaaaaa, this is what he's doing - he just expects you to settle for it being enough.

 

he's training you to settle for saturday afternoon coffee... it's really not enough even for a mild friendship - more of what peeps do when they just have a quick catch up.

[lullaby]

THanks you guys! I really appreciate your comments and your dedication on my problem.

 

I guess you're right, he surely has feeling for me or whatever, but it's just not to ready to get back to a relationship level, and since he may be afraid that I could move on, he just stays around so I don't leave.

 

Yesterday night he called to wish me good luck with the job. Never said a thing about Saturday though, it was really late and I didn't even want to ask. He said something like 'we'll talk tomorrow and arrange for Saturday'. OK, let's see. I will give him this one try, not gonna say a thing, just let him act and see how it goes.

 

If he still meets with his friend, then I will start to fade away, maybe that's what he needs to take real action and realize he may loose me, right?

 

It's so hard though... and I was so hopeful, well, still are, but I'm seeing things clearer now and at least I'm not so naive.. there's still work to be done from my part.

 

I would really appreciate if you could still share with me your thoughts about it. They really help.

 

Hope everything is fine with you all!

 

How are you Sup?

 

Best

[supersub]

THanks you guys! I really appreciate your comments and your dedication on my problem.

 

I guess you're right, he surely has feeling for me or whatever, but it's just not to ready to get back to a relationship level, and since he may be afraid that I could move on, he just stays around so I don't leave.

 

Yesterday night he called to wish me good luck with the job. Never said a thing about Saturday though, it was really late and I didn't even want to ask. He said something like 'we'll talk tomorrow and arrange for Saturday'. OK, let's see. I will give him this one try, not gonna say a thing, just let him act and see how it goes.

 

If he still meets with his friend, then I will start to fade away, maybe that's what he needs to take real action and realize he may loose me, right?

 

It's so hard though... and I was so hopeful, well, still are, but I'm seeing things clearer now and at least I'm not so naive.. there's still work to be done from my part.

 

I would really appreciate if you could still share with me your thoughts about it. They really help.

 

Hope everything is fine with you all!

 

How are you Sup?

 

Best

 

Hi Lull.

 

I think that if he goes with the friend I would go total NC. Don't tell him its what you are doing though. Just do it.

 

Get out and do the things you want to do this weekend for you.

 

Okay? I think that would be for the best.

 

I am doing great btw. I am really enjoying my time, and I feel much better these days.

 

Got paid today. Going to do a little shopping etc. Big weekend planned around the start of The World Cup!

 

How are you?

 

Promise me Don't stress this. You can do this. I believe in you kiddo!

 

I'll look back later in case you have posted. I am here if you need me.

 

Sup.

[2sunny]

i think if he calls - answer. if he offers afternoon coffee - pass. tell him you have plans. you don't need to tell him what that may be.

 

if he doesn't offer to go out at night... i'd consider NC as well.

 

look, he's trying to do the minimum effort and time and money for you right now - in hopes that he'll find someone he really intends to spend his weekend with. don't be his temporary fill in gal. you deserve more than that.

 

if you go - he gets the idea that he doesn't need to make an effort for you and you are willing to put up with his antics that short change what YOU really want from a man.

 

if you want to - be honest with him. tell him straight up "i'm not going to spend my time and energy on you any longer - because i'm interested in finding a man that wants to make me his top priority."

 

i think that's fair and right.

 

remember, the more you keep talking to him - without formally dating - the less likely you will spend looking for the new man. so essentially, YOU are doing this for YOU. so YOU will have time and emotional energy that focuses on a new man instead of the old friend.

 

then get out and stay busy doing things you love to do. he will call every now and then when he's bored... don't answer - that just him trying to get you to feed his ego and pay attention to him. go NC for YOU... so YOU can move forward and not think about him wasting your time and energy anymore.

[lullaby]

Thanks again!

 

Good to hear you're doing great Sup!!!!! congrats on that! and yes, this is a huge weekend!!! thanks for being there all the time. no more weird dreams?

 

You're both right. I don't think he's waiting for someone else though, but he certainly has other things in mind.

 

What is good about this is that since I know him, and know how his social life is, I can tell the difference between the man I used to date and this one = someone who prefers to go out with a friend instead of me, when he constantly argues that he loves spending time with me, and wants to see me and bla bla bla.

 

I've just came from my new job, which I'll be starting next Monday, and won't text him to tell him for example.

 

I guess I'll see what I'll say when the moment comes, because you can never plan your perfect speech with it comes to love, but as I've already told, I did tell him I wasn't available in the afternoon, so he knows what to do and when to see me.

 

I don't think I'm asking too much. Not planning to get back right away and do all the bf/gf stuff immediately, but I do want to spend more time with him and recompose what has been 'damaged'.

 

Yes, he calls, he texts, he's always there! that's sure! I was thinking yesterday about all the times he contacted me, and they were the majority! but... his actions should go hand in hand with his words.

 

Not giving up yet, I must confess, but I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I was at the beginning, for fear he may run away, but I'm stronger to do it now.

 

I'll keep you posted. For the time being, I'll study, go to the Uni, and see what the weekends lays ahead.

[2sunny]

this thread may be helpful to you...

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t234221/

[cypresa]

Hi Lullaby, I have just read all of your posts. I was not familiar with your story and i think by reading it all in one go is quite enlightening. (although quite time consuming ;-)!! )

 

I can only offer my opinion - whether you think it applies to you or not - up to you!

 

My heart goes out to you. I've been there for a whole year! It has become painfully apparent that my ex wanted me in his life, cared for me hugely but never ever saw our contact as a way of getting back together.

 

Read my post - "A warning to those in contact"

 

He just liked having me in his life - for support, for fun banter, or just for human contact. It's nice to have someone care about you.

 

But the truth of it is, that IT IS NOT ENOUGH. If you care about someone like you care about your ex, any whisy-washy contact from him will only leave you upset and wanting more.

 

I am 100% sure that he cares about you. No doubt about it. In fact i'd say he still loves you a little. BUT, I feel that he has all the power in your situation.

 

He doesn't love you enough right now to make you his girlfriend. That is the truth of it. And trust me when a guy is really into you, there is nothing that won't stop them making plans to see you (even if they are super busy - they'll make a plan to see you in a few weeks time!).

 

I'm not writing this to upset you but at the moment he has everything he wants. He has you caring about him, lots of lovely fun contact, and he's still single to do what he pleases.

 

I don't think he is doing this to hurt you at all! He's just doing it because you are letting him do it. And of course he still cares about you.

 

If i was you (and i say this with massive amounts of hindsight), you need to take control and organise a lunch/night out or whatever and ask him if wants to get back together properly and give it another go.

 

It's soooo scary and it took me 11 months! but you know what? i now have my answer. and my god do i wish i had done it sooner.

 

You are such a lovely girl as is apparent from your posts. He should be so lucky to have you in his life. but you must wake him up! make him realise that you are a gift and not something to maybe want to be with.

 

Sometimes you have to be brave. You'll stop this cycle for better or for worse.

 

And you never know. if you stick up for yourself, he'll really respect you and if he still loves you, he will really want to make you happy and make a reconciliation work.

 

and if he doesn't - then at least you know. And can start moving on.

[lullaby]

Hi Lullaby, I have just read all of your posts. I was not familiar with your story and i think by reading it all in one go is quite enlightening. (although quite time consuming ;-)!! )

 

I can only offer my opinion - whether you think it applies to you or not - up to you!

 

My heart goes out to you. I've been there for a whole year! It has become painfully apparent that my ex wanted me in his life, cared for me hugely but never ever saw our contact as a way of getting back together.

 

Read my post - "A warning to those in contact"

 

He just liked having me in his life - for support, for fun banter, or just for human contact. It's nice to have someone care about you.

 

But the truth of it is, that IT IS NOT ENOUGH. If you care about someone like you care about your ex, any whisy-washy contact from him will only leave you upset and wanting more.

 

I am 100% sure that he cares about you. No doubt about it. In fact i'd say he still loves you a little. BUT, I feel that he has all the power in your situation.

 

He doesn't love you enough right now to make you his girlfriend. That is the truth of it. And trust me when a guy is really into you, there is nothing that won't stop them making plans to see you (even if they are super busy - they'll make a plan to see you in a few weeks time!).

 

I'm not writing this to upset you but at the moment he has everything he wants. He has you caring about him, lots of lovely fun contact, and he's still single to do what he pleases.

 

I don't think he is doing this to hurt you at all! He's just doing it because you are letting him do it. And of course he still cares about you.

 

If i was you (and i say this with massive amounts of hindsight), you need to take control and organise a lunch/night out or whatever and ask him if wants to get back together properly and give it another go.

 

It's soooo scary and it took me 11 months! but you know what? i now have my answer. and my god do i wish i had done it sooner.

 

You are such a lovely girl as is apparent from your posts. He should be so lucky to have you in his life. but you must wake him up! make him realise that you are a gift and not something to maybe want to be with.

 

Sometimes you have to be brave. You'll stop this cycle for better or for worse.

 

And you never know. if you stick up for yourself, he'll really respect you and if he still loves you, he will really want to make you happy and make a reconciliation work.

 

and if he doesn't - then at least you know. And can start moving on.

 

Thanks for your insights cypresa. Yes, I've read your post. It was recommended by sunny That's why I saw the similarities in both stories and thanked you for sharing your piece of advice.

 

Yes, it's true that when a guy is really into a girl, he'll do anything to see her, no matter how busy he is. I didn't think that before, but I do now. And being that I know him, I know he would do anything to see me IF he were 100% committed because I've been his girlfriend!!!

 

Oh, and thanks for the lovely caring words about me and believe me, I do think he should be happy to have me by his side, don't want to sound arrogant, but it's the truth! Because I never start an awkward moment or ask anything serious whenever we meet, and I could do it! I have the right!! But on the contrary, I make it sooooo easy for him to return and have the power. There was one moment when I had it though, and then let it go and gave it back to him. It's so hard to handle.

 

Well, to fill you in with the latest news, it's now 6.30 pm in the afternoon. He sent a text 2 hours ago and said sth like 'would you like me to go now so I can see your computer?' and AGAIN, I replied 'I can't now, I'm studying as I told you before, can't it be later?' He responded 'Ok, no problem. Let me know when, OK?'. I said around 8.30 pm, implying that it would not be a 'short coffee meeting' then, and haven't heard since. Let's see. I'll continue studying because I have a lot to read so I won't do nothing else but to see what he does and if he decides to have a night out or not. I won't beg neither will I be so available as I used to.

 

I will stay at home in the meantime because it's raining heavily outside and I should continue studying, but I won't tell him that.

 

Let's hope for the best. He knows what he has to do, right?

 

Thanks again!!! I'm glad you're getting over it cypresa, and it's better late than never, right?

 

Sup!!! how are you doing?

[lullaby]

Hey! Just wanted to let you know what happened yesterday.

Apparently, for him, it was ‘clear’ that I was going out with my friend to the movies and he going out with his friend, who was playing for the first time with his rock band, so.... he came, stayed 1.30hs and then LEFT! Yes, because he said he had told me he was meeting his friend, and that he couldn’t really miss, but that he hoped he could schedule with me some other time because he knew I wasn’t happy about that.

 

I was waiting for the worst before he came, and the worst happened.

He saw my computer, made jokes all the times (which only he laughed at because I was in my world and stopped paying attention to him at one time).

He had a guilty conscience, I could tell. He didn’t know how to fix what he was going to do, I never said a word, just replied “OK, go see you friend, do what you want, Yes?” he replied ‘but I want to be with you, don’t want you to be mad, and I hope we can have a good long meeting next time, a proper one', my reply was ‘we’ll see. It’s fine. If you wanted to stay, you would, so go and see your friend, don’t need explanations’. Of course, he stayed a while, but I got myself to the couch and started watching tv while he was trying to fix my computer. He asked me things all the time, and made nice compliments! what an as******.

Anyway, that’s about it. I don’t know what is going to happen, but as I stated before, he did what he shouldn’t have, so I won’t contact him now, I won’t bother to text him, and I’ll try to go full NC.

 

Of course it’ll be difficult because I don’t want to give up to be honest, I thought we had something tangible here, but for the time being, he’ll have to work for it. It won't be the same this time. I won’t be so available and he will beg for forgiveness for what he did yesterday, I still can’t believe he did that. WHY????? just to let me know he has me in this mind, to reassure the terrain? WTF???

Oh, and when we were at the door, he tried to kiss me, yes Sir, but I pushed him away, and stood with my arms on each side, not moving, and he then hugged me but I never responded, and then I closed the door.

Still not crying though, I think it’s because of the anger I feel. I hate him right now, really, and feel so disappointed. He should really think his next steps and work his a*** off to have me back this time. So long old Lullaby, welcome the new one.

How are you all doing?

[supersub]

Hey! Just wanted to let you know what happened yesterday.

Apparently, for him, it was ‘clear’ that I was going out with my friend to the movies and he going out with his friend, who was playing for the first time with his rock band, so.... he came, stayed 1.30hs and then LEFT! Yes, because he said he had told me he was meeting his friend, and that he couldn’t really miss, but that he hoped he could schedule with me some other time because he knew I wasn’t happy about that.

 

I was waiting for the worst before he came, and the worst happened.

He saw my computer, made jokes all the times (which only he laughed at because I was in my world and stopped paying attention to him at one time).

He had a guilty conscience, I could tell. He didn’t know how to fix what he was going to do, I never said a word, just replied “OK, go see you friend, do what you want, Yes?” he replied ‘but I want to be with you, don’t want you to be mad, and I hope we can have a good long meeting next time, a proper one', my reply was ‘we’ll see. It’s fine. If you wanted to stay, you would, so go and see your friend, don’t need explanations’. Of course, he stayed a while, but I got myself to the couch and started watching tv while he was trying to fix my computer. He asked me things all the time, and made nice compliments! what an as******.

Anyway, that’s about it. I don’t know what is going to happen, but as I stated before, he did what he shouldn’t have, so I won’t contact him now, I won’t bother to text him, and I’ll try to go full NC.

 

Of course it’ll be difficult because I don’t want to give up to be honest, I thought we had something tangible here, but for the time being, he’ll have to work for it. It won't be the same this time. I won’t be so available and he will beg for forgiveness for what he did yesterday, I still can’t believe he did that. WHY????? just to let me know he has me in this mind, to reassure the terrain? WTF???

Oh, and when we were at the door, he tried to kiss me, yes Sir, but I pushed him away, and stood with my arms on each side, not moving, and he then hugged me but I never responded, and then I closed the door.

Still not crying though, I think it’s because of the anger I feel. I hate him right now, really, and feel so disappointed. He should really think his next steps and work his a*** off to have me back this time. So long old Lullaby, welcome the new one.

How are you all doing?

 

Yeah I think you did the right thing.

 

I think he's not being as serious about putting it back together. Kind of like my situation was.

 

I would take the time now to do what you need to do for yourself. By all means take little steps, but don't be idle. (I know you won't be)

 

Don't spend time over-analyzing it. If he wants to come back he will let you know.

 

Two words; Scarcity, and poise.

 

That's all you need to show right now, and in a few weeks you wont feel all this pressure to get back. You will feel much better. As I do today.

 

How are you feeling?

[lullaby]

Yeah I think you did the right thing.

 

I think he's not being as serious about putting it back together. Kind of like my situation was.

 

I would take the time now to do what you need to do for yourself. By all means take little steps, but don't be idle. (I know you won't be)

 

Don't spend time over-analyzing it. If he wants to come back he will let you know.

 

Two words; Scarcity, and poise.

 

That's all you need to show right now, and in a few weeks you wont feel all this pressure to get back. You will feel much better. As I do today.

 

How are you feeling?

 

Thanks, Sup. I'm happy to see you're feeling much better. Did you enjoy your weekend?

 

And yes, I just did what I felt really, and doing what you feel is sometimes the right thing, right?

 

He's still very confused, that's obvious, but I won't sit around waiting for him to 'decide'. If he appears (which I bet 100% he will soon or later ) I'll see, but I'm no longer in the mood for games or wasting my time for someone who doesn't appreciate me.

 

Yes, I won't be idle at all. I'm starting at my new job tomorrow and have tons of exams ahead so I'll be quite busy indeed

 

I feel weird today because I tend to be so emotional, I would be crying my heart out by now, I know that moment will come, but right now I feel anger and despise him really. I know he will contact me because I never said I didn't want to see him again or anything, just to see what he does and how he plays his cards. I'm sure he will, but for example, I already have plans for the following weekend, I had then before this sad event, and I won't cancel. From what I know of him, he must be thinking how to fix what he did.

 

What was the point of coming??? did you find it? 'cause I didn't! I would have preferred him telling me 'I can't tonight, let's arrange a night out for next weekend', that would have been sooooo much better, don't u think?

 

This time, HE will have to move, I won't do a thing, and he'll notice the change. He did it yesterday, because why would he say 'I hope everything is OK and we can meet some other time in a proper way', what is the need for that? see? he KNEW it was wrong, otherwise, he wouldn't have said a thing.

 

I'll study now and see how the week goes. I'll try to be strong and I hope I can maintain this tough posture. Don't want to treat him bad though, but I won't be the nice, fun and kind Lullaby I used to be.

 

I also know I share some of the guilt because I let him think what he was giving me was enough, he was comfortable and felt no need to give me more, but that's all gone.

 

Thanks again!

[2sunny]

good work!

 

you are making great progress. stay busy. no need to allow him to understand what you're doing now - and who you may be with.

 

let him wonder... it's not a bad thing - and you don't owe him the satisfaction of understanding what you may or may not be busy with. it's his way of being sure you're not dating someone else.

 

go have fun. when he is around - then you will also have fun in those times too - without caring what he is or isn't doing as well.

[Kabukiman]

Hey! Just wanted to let you know what happened yesterday.

Apparently, for him, it was ‘clear’ that I was going out with my friend to the movies and he going out with his friend, who was playing for the first time with his rock band, so.... he came, stayed 1.30hs and then LEFT! Yes, because he said he had told me he was meeting his friend, and that he couldn’t really miss, but that he hoped he could schedule with me some other time because he knew I wasn’t happy about that.

 

I was waiting for the worst before he came, and the worst happened.

He saw my computer, made jokes all the times (which only he laughed at because I was in my world and stopped paying attention to him at one time).

He had a guilty conscience, I could tell. He didn’t know how to fix what he was going to do, I never said a word, just replied “OK, go see you friend, do what you want, Yes?” he replied ‘but I want to be with you, don’t want you to be mad, and I hope we can have a good long meeting next time, a proper one', my reply was ‘we’ll see. It’s fine. If you wanted to stay, you would, so go and see your friend, don’t need explanations’. Of course, he stayed a while, but I got myself to the couch and started watching tv while he was trying to fix my computer. He asked me things all the time, and made nice compliments! what an as******.

Anyway, that’s about it. I don’t know what is going to happen, but as I stated before, he did what he shouldn’t have, so I won’t contact him now, I won’t bother to text him, and I’ll try to go full NC.

 

Of course it’ll be difficult because I don’t want to give up to be honest, I thought we had something tangible here, but for the time being, he’ll have to work for it. It won't be the same this time. I won’t be so available and he will beg for forgiveness for what he did yesterday, I still can’t believe he did that. WHY????? just to let me know he has me in this mind, to reassure the terrain? WTF???

Oh, and when we were at the door, he tried to kiss me, yes Sir, but I pushed him away, and stood with my arms on each side, not moving, and he then hugged me but I never responded, and then I closed the door.

Still not crying though, I think it’s because of the anger I feel. I hate him right now, really, and feel so disappointed. He should really think his next steps and work his a*** off to have me back this time. So long old Lullaby, welcome the new one.

How are you all doing?

For reasons unknown to me I started reading this thread and couldn't stop. I didn't plan on throwing my 2 cents in till I read this post.

 

I want to tell you what I might think/feel if I was in his situation. You were cold and distant (in your own world watching TV), did not want meet up again,(aka "proper meeting") then shied away from any physical contact. That would cause me to go into NC mode. Maybe I'm just sensitive to this type of thing, but have you ever hugged someone that obviously wanted nothing to do with you? It's not a good feeling. And if both of you are doing the NC thing what's gonna happen? Either you two will never contact each other again or eventually one of you will blink, and it will be just like it was way back when this thread was first started. Judging from the tonality of your previous posts that's not what you want. What I would recommend doing is if he doesn't contact you in 2-3 days then send him that says something like "how are you going to make up to me for Saturday?". He would still be in a position where it's on him to make the next move, and you can still be the new strong tough PO'd lulliby when you respond to him. In other words you keep the lines of communication open without giving him any power. Unless he did make you mad enough that you don't want any contact with him in the near future.

 

And what did he do to upset you? In trying to get him to commit his Saturday night to you you were being coy about your own plans (or non-plans), and he believed you?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't be mad at him (I'm not saying you should either). I'm all for being non-needy, setting boundaries, making him/her work for you, and NC. I just think NC could backfire in this case. I'm sure he's confused, but it's because you are acting confusing towards him. I really think you should throw him a bone, even if it's just to let him know you're PO'd.

[lullaby]

For reasons unknown to me I started reading this thread and couldn't stop. I didn't plan on throwing my 2 cents in till I read this post.

 

I want to tell you what I might think/feel if I was in his situation. You were cold and distant (in your own world watching TV), did not want meet up again,(aka "proper meeting") then shied away from any physical contact. That would cause me to go into NC mode. Maybe I'm just sensitive to this type of thing, but have you ever hugged someone that obviously wanted nothing to do with you? It's not a good feeling. And if both of you are doing the NC thing what's gonna happen? Either you two will never contact each other again or eventually one of you will blink, and it will be just like it was way back when this thread was first started. Judging from the tonality of your previous posts that's not what you want. What I would recommend doing is if he doesn't contact you in 2-3 days then send him that says something like "how are you going to make up to me for Saturday?". He would still be in a position where it's on him to make the next move, and you can still be the new strong tough PO'd lulliby when you respond to him. In other words you keep the lines of communication open without giving him any power. Unless he did make you mad enough that you don't want any contact with him in the near future.

 

And what did he do to upset you? In trying to get him to commit his Saturday night to you you were being coy about your own plans (or non-plans), and he believed you?

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't be mad at him (I'm not saying you should either). I'm all for being non-needy, setting boundaries, making him/her work for you, and NC. I just think NC could backfire in this case. I'm sure he's confused, but it's because you are acting confusing towards him. I really think you should throw him a bone, even if it's just to let him know you're PO'd.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply! It was really helpful, as all are.

 

I never considered it the way you did actually.

What did he do to upset me? it's not that he had to cancel with his friend, I'm not irrational, but I didn't understand why he came one hour and then left. He never confirmed he was going to see his friend, and I would have appreciated him telling me 'look, I can't tonight'. I don't know. It's confusing. It felt like he was doing me a favor, coming to see me, but at the same time, from what you can see, he has feelings and is still confused, but do care about me.

 

And now that I think of it, yes, we both act with confusing actions because we're working on this process that changes all the time.

 

I guess I'll wait. I really wouldn't want to contact him, because everything was just 'fine' when he left on Saturday. It's not that I treated him badly, I just didn't kiss him back, but I did say 'ok, no problem, we'll meet another time'. The door is opened.

 

For the time being, I won't do nothing, I bet he will appear soon or later.

 

Your idea of contacting him is not bad though, but I won't think about it for now so I see what he does during these days.

 

Thanks a lot for reading the post! and I'd love to continue having your insights about my situation.

[2sunny]

think of it this way...

 

we train people how to treat us. if he thinks he needs to make little effort to see you - that is what he'll do. if he knows you require to be top priority AND he makes 100% effort to see you - he knows exactly what you expect in order for him to participate in dating you.

 

either he makes a ton of effort - or he's out.

[supersub]

I think there is another side to all this. Namely that I know that I got sick and tired of all the BS involved in a reconnect. Its so wearing emotionally, and mentally.

 

I look back on it now, and know for me at least that it was for the best.

 

And as another poster said "He is confused" Confusion is rife in a reconnect on both sides, and that is the wearing part. Confusion breeds confusion so you have to either stick it out or you just finally give up on them.

 

I had to. She did my head in when I look back on it.

 

 

Lull, how was the rest of your weekend?

[lullaby]

Hi! I would really appreciate if you guys could give your advice as to what to do now.

 

He called yesterday night. He said he knew I was mad for what he had done on Saturday, BUT that he felt it wrong somehow. He said I knew he had plans and he still managed to come by and see me, when he thought to cancel and didn’t ‘cause it could have been worse and he wanted to see me anyway. I couldn’t believe HE WAS MAD!!!!! I said everything was ok, I wasn’t mad, it was just I felt like actions didn’t follow his words. He then said something like ‘I don’t know if we are ready to see each other like this again, what do you think? are you?’ And I said I didn’t know, but that I wanted to be with him and that’s it. That time would eventually let us know if we get back or not, but if we continue with silly texts, calls during the week, with words of love and affection, and then the weekend comes and we don’t meet or maybe do for a coffee short meeting like friends, there’s no point either!!! I said THAT was stupid! That he shouldn’t think that just because we meet, we are getting back, but I did tell him that the more he continues with that game of texts, short visits, etc etc, the more I would fade away. He mentioned many times that he wanted to be with me, that he didn’t consider me his friend for sure, but that we both had our time, and things to do, and he just didn’t like what happened on Saturday.

 

I sensed I couldn’t obtain that much from him on the phone, it was getting tense and he was being really difficult so we decided to let it for another time and said we would talk.

 

ok, that was the conversation. The thing is that if HE doesn’t want to feel like in the relationship again, why does he ever bother to call and say he’s sorry for what he did??? WHY???? HE says that we’re not ready and that it sometimes looks as if we’re back together.... okkk... WHO was the one to start with jokes about our usual routine or who wanted me to COOK FOR HIM like old times???? IT WAS NOT ME! He always proposed things we used to do as a couple, except that he has a car now and we’ve been to different coffee shops these times, but... can you get it????

 

He says he may not be ready and points his finger at me for ‘acting like a gf’ when he texts often, comes to my place, even to my BIRTHDAY PARTY, where he had no business because we weren’t a couple and he still went, accounting for what????? ok... he says he misses me... calls me honey... I don’t do that, I just ‘reply’ to what he says... so... am I crazy???

I hate that this conversation took place, I had been avoiding the complicated subject for more than a month and I told him that. ‘you can’t blame me because I never pushed you or pressed you, or even asked about what you did, why did you leave, or whatever, so... you shouldn’t even complain about it’, and he said I was right about that.

 

well, I cried a lot already and don’t know what to do. I feel like we’ve gone backwards! and I hate that! I already had figured out that he was still confused and maybe not ready to get back, and I was too!!!! but can’t we just spend time together on a Saturday night without thinking what will happen?

 

should I go NC contact? plan a meeting to talk? smooth things out?

Edited June 15, 2010 by lullaby
speeling

[lullaby]

Sorry for the length of my previous post guys

 

How are you Sup? Sunny?

 

Best

[supersub]

There does seem to be a bit of a double standard here. He says your doing the girlfriend stuff, when hes' still clearly doing the old boyfriend stuff, and then saying or hinting that he wants to take it slow.

 

It seems like you are bothered by his terms, and I can understand why. He has his terms then critiques yours, but hes saying the old things but not giving the time.

 

Maybe you guys need more of a break. If it were me at this point Lull I would walk away so you can both be at a point of indifference.

 

If it comes back around again later then maybe you can talk, but at this point the expectations are confused.

 

Just my ten cents.

 

Elsewhere. I'm doing really well. My ex is rarely on my mind these days!

and I have met a really nice new girl. However we will see what happens.

 

Sup

[2sunny]

you continue to give him your power by letting him know how much you want him. some men just love to chase. there's nothing to chase if he knows you've already given him the power.

 

my mother in law used to say to young kids... "let him chase you 'til you catch him"

 

anyway... he knows he has the power - so he doesn't feel the need to make an effort.

 

he's made it perfectly clear that he's not going to make the effort. he keeps telling you that you're pushing him too gar and he's not planning to make the effort = yet you still are standing there expecting him to act interested... it's just not his reality.

 

i'm sorry to say that as i know it hurts - but he's given his evidence when given the opportunity to step up to the plate... every time he chooses to back away.

 

he's not ready for what you two COULD have together so get busy being happy without him in your life. there is a man out there that is willing to give you all that - willingly - and more, without this battle. love shouldn't have to be such a battle when it's right... it just flows easier.

[lullaby]

Thanks to both of you.

 

It's great to hear that Sup!!! good for you! keep me updated with this new girl you met, OK?

 

I still don't know what to make of it, you know? I guess we all have our different times and patience for certain things. I was really taken aback by his action on Monday and I'm still trying to figure it out.

 

It could have been 'fixed' with something so simple as asking me on a proper date, instead, he chose to talk about the ugly subject.

 

I haven't done anything so far, and I don't think I will. Luckily, I have tons of exams and this new work to keep me busy but the following weekend is a holiday here and it's gonna be tough.

 

To be honest, I'm not ready to give up yet, sorry to say, you know how these things go, but I won't act as I used to because I now know what he's willing to offer me and I'm no longer settling for that.

 

I did realize that what we had during the past month was only a 'reconnection' or 'catching up' process, not a path towards reconciliation, so maybe that's why I got so anxious about it. He never said 'I want to get back', so...

 

I'll try to be strong and maintain NC for a while. His b-day is on June 29, let's see where we are by then, right?

 

Thanks again

[2sunny]

i'm out for now. you are not listening. maybe someday you will get that you are hindering yourself by settling for less than an effort on his behalf and by waiting around for him to decide if he likes you enough to make half an effort. that's simply not enough.

 

best wishes.

[lullaby]

Sunny, I'm not saying I will wait for him, but I'm honest to myself. I'll try to maintain NC and move on, but it's a process that takes time.

I'm only saying that if he contacts me or whatever, I'll see then what to do, I can't be so determined today and be so sure that I won't talk to him again.

 

It's time and I won't get over him from one day to the other, so for now I'll try to see how I feel, what I need, take time to myself and we'll see.

 

I know it's not enough and I won't settle, but the worst I can do is fool myself and think I will never answer a call from him again or something like that.

 

Thanks anyway

[Kabukiman]

He then said something like ‘I don’t know if we are ready to see each other like this again, what do you think? are you?’

 

I can see why he would think that. After reading your description of what happened last Saturday that's exactly what I would be thinking in that situation.

 

All of these rules about power within the relationship and not settling are really just guidelines. After all, it's not like you're negotiating over a used car and holding out for new floor mats. Right now there is tension between you two. I do think it's possible to diffuse the tension, but if you (and probably both) are worried about ceding power or not settling then it's not going to happen.

 

He was the one who broke the first NC period. I wouldn't expect him to do it again, especially if you guys are in NC through his birthday. I'm not saying you should do NC, I'm just saying if it goes past his birthday then you should move on.