Stark Raving Bonkers?!

[secretlady76]

Does anyone feel like they're going stark raving bonkers sometimes? I feel that I am getting bored of waking up every day and after 2 seconds knowing I am going to spend yet another day obsessing over a relationship that doesn't exist. In fact I am starting to wonder if I am obsessing over someone who doesn't exist at all. I have to see exMM sometimes and when I see him I think 'yeah ok, you're nice but you're not all that' and within and hour I am obsessing about the 'idea' of him, which is not the same as the actual person. I end up having imaginary conversations with him in my head, in fact I had one today which resulted in me walking the whole way round the supermarket not picking up anything because my mind was on something else. It's like I'm in my own world!!! I hope I'm not the only one who thinks this!!! I hope to God it stops because it is painful to feel so 'out-of-body' all the time.

[Just a stone's throw]

Sorry you're having a rough time of it SL. I too went through that phase. I feel past it now, as in I don't lose so much track of time when thinking about exMM. I can more quickly swing my thoughts back to reality when they slip.

 

I used to let myself fantasize about things we'd do or things he'd say, exchanges between us but I no longer allow myself to go there as it's too painful in knowing it's never going to be a reality and count all the reasons in my head why that is a blessing for me.

 

My H

My M

My Family

My sanity

My health (I lost a lot of weight during my A)

My career

My safety

 

I know that's a lot of "my's" but until you have that ah-hah moment that there is nothing but good and reality on the otherside, you will continue to stumble around in your thoughts and fantasies.

 

I feel for you and I hope for your sake that this phase in your life is short-lived.

[LostMe]

yes yes yes! this was exactly how i felt - i'm better since our 'closure' chat last week and i'm hoping i stay in this frame of mind but I used to be exactly the same. I'd see him and think 'oh, it's just HIM' but then a bit of time would pass and i'd be all romanticising it again. If i was around him more i'm sure i'd be over him sooner, it's my fantasy version of him i find hard to let go of. I'm dreaming about him more lately as i'm putting the thoughts away in the day, but i'll pass. I'm doing so much better.

 

Two things i've learnt and try to keep in mind: 1) be present in the moment, and 2) that love is a sacrifice.

 

You're not bonkers

[Just a stone's throw]

Lost, good to hear things are going well! Keep up the good work!

 

SL, I think Lost and I had the same experience. It took a "closure-type" of situation to get us to this point of "over-the-hump" less dreamy about the situation.

 

It doesn't mean I won't see or talk to him because he lives in my community, we belong to the same "club" and have mutual colleague/friends so chance are though I don't run into him daily (thank GOD!!) I will run into him. I just no longer feel the need to be friends with him or fantasize that our R will ever start back up again.

 

I want to be free of that burden. I like that feeling.

 

My relationship with my H has helped too. I so appreciate him so much more than I ever have and he has pulled me through the need to look to someone else for validation. I am very fortunate.

[LostMe]

Absolutely JAST! I didn't think i needed closure but it's given me a whole new perspective, and stopped me wondering 'what if this' and 'what if that'. And knowing he hasn't been as tortured and confused about it as me has also given me a reality check. It doesn't make the feelings go away but i am learning to live with them rather than fight them or feel that i should act on them. It is what it is like he says.

 

I've stopped fantasiing about him too, if i do I know it's just that - a fantasy. The more i am re-attaching to my H, the more i can feel I am detaching from xMM and the burden is getting lighter.

 

yay us! SL, you'll get there too. Is it closure you need? Hugs.

[secretlady76]

...Closure? I don't know. We had to stop because we got rumbled/caught out. So you see, it wasn't down to the feelings going or anything like that. We had a 'closure' conversation a couple of weeks ago, although it didn't last long as we were in a public place but the reason for the end was because of 'home situations/other people' as opposed to 'going-off' one another and in a way that is harder to deal with because you end up resenting the people who are getting in the way, i.e:spouses etc, which is a silly thing to think but anyway. I will get over it in time!!!

[joey66]

SL - You know my answers already.

 

Stark raving bonkers? Yes.

Obsessing over a relationship that doesn't exist? Yes.

Imaginary conversations with her in my head? Yes.

In my own world? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. (Well, except it seems that many of you live there, too. )

 

And if I told you how long it's been going on, you'd REALLY think I was mad. I guess I am.

 

If i was around him more i'm sure i'd be over him sooner,

 

Lost - My experience has been the opposite. Because of TMI circumstances, I do still see her on a regular basis. I find it hurts more than it helps. The longer we are apart, the better I feel. Then she walks in and I'm right back where I was, only worse.

[LostMe]

Most A's end for reasons other than going off each other SL. It is tough but the more times goes on, the more you'll emerge from 'the fog' you're in and see it really is for the best that it ended (sorry to sound so cliched).

 

I'm starting to feel very very lucky that things turned out they way they have as the consequences could've been absolutely devastating had we carried on as we were. I cetainly wouldn't be fantasising about the man now if it had. It's another thought that keeps me in 'the real world'.

[LostMe]

Lost - My experience has been the opposite. Because of TMI circumstances, I do still see her on a regular basis. I find it hurts more than it helps. The longer we are apart, the better I feel. Then she walks in and I'm right back where I was, only worse.

 

Hey Joey. The longer we're apart, the more i miss him but it doesn't help to see him now either. I just know from when we were having a PA and together everyday that i wasn't as attached to him as when we were apart but speaking every day after the PA. Can't say it would be the same now though. I feel for you matey.

[secretlady76]

SL - You know my answers already.

 

Stark raving bonkers? Yes.

Obsessing over a relationship that doesn't exist? Yes.

Imaginary conversations with her in my head? Yes.

In my own world? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. (Well, except it seems that many of you live there, too. )

 

And if I told you how long it's been going on, you'd REALLY think I was mad. I guess I am.

 

 

 

Lost - My experience has been the opposite. Because of TMI circumstances, I do still see her on a regular basis. I find it hurts more than it helps. The longer we are apart, the better I feel. Then she walks in and I'm right back where I was, only worse.

 

Joey66, trust me, I was very restrained in my thread as to how I am as I decided if I wrote exactly what my thought process was on a day to day basis then one or other of you would phone the police to get me sectionned...

 

I feel the same as you about seeing MM. If I don't see him, I'm ok, I was ok all weekend (well maybe not ok, but okish) but the minute I see him it's like I'm back to square 1 again (like a game of snakes and ladders) and because I have to seem him amongst other people it's almost worse because I can't say what I want to say to him. I'd rather not see him at all.

[Just a stone's throw]

I'm afraid I don't understand what "going off" means. We didn't have a fight, we didn't leave each other on bad terms. We were extremely attracted to one another and both in marriages that we knew we would not leave. We both knew we were on a road to nowhere and were driving each other crazy in not being able to be together and it was not healthy for either of us. We also were very concerned about being found out. A lot of people including his kids would be in the firestorm.

 

He was just much stronger than I to pull the plug, once and for all and proclaim that it had to stop. Had we the intentions to leave our marriages for each other, we would have likely continued on and suffered the consequences.

 

I too feel EXTREMELY fortunate that we did not get caught (at least not yet) and also that we did not end it stark raving angry at one another.

 

I have had the second chance to make ammends and right the ship of my marriage. A big lesson-learned.

[joey66]

Joey66, trust me, I was very restrained in my thread as to how I am as I decided if I wrote exactly what my thought process was on a day to day basis then one or other of you would phone the police to get me sectionned...

 

I feel the same as you about seeing MM. If I don't see him, I'm ok, I was ok all weekend (well maybe not ok, but okish) but the minute I see him it's like I'm back to square 1 again (like a game of snakes and ladders) and because I have to seem him amongst other people it's almost worse because I can't say what I want to say to him. I'd rather not see him at all.

 

SL - Hmmm ... Let's see if I can guess your day-to-day thought process. (Forgive me for being presumptuous.)

 

Some days you are perfectly "normal" (whatever that means), you do not feel the need to pursue this man, or to be pursued.

Some days you want to jump his bones and have wild monkey sex.

Some days you are seethingly angry with him, for the crimes he has committed and for those he hasn't.

Some days all you want to do is cry.

Some days you want to spend in long, meaningful conversation with him, sharing the intimate details of your lives.

Some days you are seethingly angry with yourself for being sooooo stupid. (For the record, I don't think you are.)

Some days all you want is to take him in your arms and hold him.

Some days you are just tired of the whole thing and want it to go away.

 

And there is no way to predict which kind of day tomorrow will be. Am I close?

[secretlady76]

SL - Hmmm ... Let's see if I can guess your day-to-day thought process. (Forgive me for being presumptuous.)

 

Some days you are perfectly "normal" (whatever that means), you do not feel the need to pursue this man, or to be pursued.

Some days you want to jump his bones and have wild monkey sex.

Some days you are seethingly angry with him, for the crimes he has committed and for those he hasn't.

Some days all you want to do is cry.

Some days you want to spend in long, meaningful conversation with him, sharing the intimate details of your lives.

Some days you are seethingly angry with yourself for being sooooo stupid. (For the record, I don't think you are.)

Some days all you want is to take him in your arms and hold him.

Some days you are just tired of the whole thing and want it to go away.

 

And there is no way to predict which kind of day tomorrow will be. Am I close?

 

Any closer and we'd be the same person! You almost made me cry because I read that and thought, 'My God, it isn't just me then'!!! Thank you very much Joey66 for posting that! Brilliant.

[secretlady76]

SL - You know my answers already.

 

Stark raving bonkers? Yes.

Obsessing over a relationship that doesn't exist? Yes.

Imaginary conversations with her in my head? Yes.

In my own world? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. (Well, except it seems that many of you live there, too. )

 

And if I told you how long it's been going on, you'd REALLY think I was mad. I guess I am.

 

Go on then, how long has it been going on then? (the madness that is as opposed to the EMR.....actually, how long was that going on for too, just so we can compare the two.....???)

[Heather1]

I obsess too, mostly @ night cuz I've really been trying to stay busy during the day. My job is really busy, the time flies & I can't even breathe let alone think about him. It really helps not to see him, that would be torture.

 

I mostly think about the wild monkey sex

 

Then I think about how alone I felt.

 

Now I'm thinking of a new hobby & I'm REALLY excited about it!!! It's really helping me look forward to something besides my crappy M & xOM & I'm getting obsessed over that instead.

 

Watch the caffeine intake, it makes things worse for me & I'm a complete caffeine addict. That has really helped me keep my cool by cutting down.

 

xxoo

[ladydesigner]

I obsess too, mostly @ night cuz I've really been trying to stay busy during the day. My job is really busy, the time flies & I can't even breathe let alone think about him. It really helps not to see him, that would be torture.

 

I mostly think about the wild monkey sex

 

Then I think about how alone I felt.

 

Now I'm thinking of a new hobby & I'm REALLY excited about it!!! It's really helping me look forward to something besides my crappy M & xOM & I'm getting obsessed over that instead.

 

Watch the caffeine intake, it makes things worse for me & I'm a complete caffeine addict. That has really helped me keep my cool by cutting down.

 

xxoo

 

 

Caffeine addict here too:o Don't know what I would do without it.

 

Well I can say I am FINALLY at a point where I do not obsess about my XOM, but it took NC to get me here. I no longer look at his or his girlfriend's info on the internet either. I was still doing that and I guess that wasn't considered NC, now I am completely NC and when a thought creeps across my mind of XOM I push it right out.

 

There was a time that I thought I was Stark Raving Bonkers. Thank God I don't obsess anymore I thought it was never going to end.

[secretlady76]

Caffeine addict here too:o Don't know what I would do without it.

 

Well I can say I am FINALLY at a point where I do not obsess about my XOM, but it took NC to get me here. I no longer look at his or his girlfriend's info on the internet either. I was still doing that and I guess that wasn't considered NC, now I am completely NC and when a thought creeps across my mind of XOM I push it right out.

 

There was a time that I thought I was Stark Raving Bonkers. Thank God I don't obsess anymore I thought it was never going to end.

 

LD, you give us all hope that it will all end one day......when we let it that is. However, I worry that I will then find something else to obsess about, I seem to have to have something of some sorts to obsess about, maybe need to try and find something more healthy like a good old 'hobby' (bloody hobbies), or interest or whathaveyou.....!

[Hazyhead]

I used to drive myself crazy obsessing; you're so not alone. The difference now might be that I'm happy, so happy, with the ending of all the stress. I'm eight weeks NC and I already think of him far, far less and find hours can pass before he pops into my head. Before, during the previous bouts of NC, I didn't really want it - I just wanted him and hoped and prayed for him to get in touch. That's what's crazy. Now, I pray that he never will; I love him but he is not good for me and I recognise that now - it is my priority.

 

Maybe the key is letting go of the 'maybes'.

[Hazyhead]

Hey! Just realised I had given up caffeine too (4 weeks for this one) and due to a heavy night ahead of me, work-wise, I have succumbed! Must stop the succumbing here!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have a link which has mindfulness exercises that can be very effective in getting over the obsessing. Its a DBT site which is a therapy aimed at borderline personality disorder. I just wanted to make a disclaimer and say that I'm not implying that you are BPD, just that the mindfulness exercises can be very useful, especially, when fantasizing and obsessing become a detrimental coping mechanism. Good Luck to you. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/instant_mindfulness.html

[secretlady76]

I have a link which has mindfulness exercises that can be very effective in getting over the obsessing. Its a DBT site which is a therapy aimed at borderline personality disorder. I just wanted to make a disclaimer and say that I'm not implying that you are BPD, just that the mindfulness exercises can be very useful, especially, when fantasizing and obsessing become a detrimental coping mechanism. Good Luck to you. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/instant_mindfulness.html

 

:lmao:Er, don't think I'm quite that barking but thanks for the link anyway, I will keep it in mind if I go off the scale....I doubt very much that I will!!!!

 

and anyway, I quite like the idea of having a personality disorder, keeps things interesting for myself and other people, you're never quite sure what you're going to get on any given day. Where can I get one?!

[Just a stone's throw]

 

and anyway, I quite like the idea of having a personality disorder, keeps things interesting for myself and other people, you're never quite sure what you're going to get on any given day. Where can I get one?!

 

As long as all the people don't end up living only inside your head!!

 

SL, your posts are funny especially when I read them with a Brittish accent in my head!!

[secretlady76]

As long as all the people don't end up living only inside your head!!

 

SL, your posts are funny especially when I read them with a Brittish accent in my head!!

 

ah, yes true.... but hey at least you're never alone with the 'head voices'.....

 

what makes you think I'm British, I might Greek but fluent in English!? Or Dutch; they're fantastic at speaking English..!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think mindfulness exercises are only for the afflicted. Its a type of meditation to relieve stress and to become more present minded.

[hopeless4u]

Not just me then!! Yey;)

 

I think its harder for a single xOW to get her head around it, sometimes I wish I had a SO to concentrate on.

Thats got to be the hardest part for me, thinking xMM has someone to take his mind off me when he gets triggers but with me the trigger hits and its there all day, constantly nagging at me and thats when the conversations start in my head!!

 

I must of written a thousand e mails in my head and had as many conversations!!

 

Vegas next week so no getting up in the morning wondering if I will see him at work, no checking the car park all day for his car and nothing that will remind me of him....no triggers....heaven;)