We're taking a "break"...

[aeren944]

Hi, everyone.

 

Let me relate my story real quick. My GF and I have been together for 7 years. I'm 29, she's 27, and we have two kids together. We're not married, but I had proposed back in March, so we were engaged. She cheated on me about 6 months ago. I came here for help, and to sort things out. I was ultra depressed... and the whole situation came to head when I tried to kill myself. Since then, it got better, she said she'd work on it, and so would I. Well, we just bought our first house, and moved in. Last week, she said she's bored, and she's having "tendancies" again.

 

She'd cheated on me with a girl, by the way, and she said she was having those tendancies again. We got in a semi-fight. She complained that she was bored. Anyway, she left and cheated on me again. Needless to say, I kicked her out the next day. Now, we're seperated... she says she needs to take a break. 6 months ago, this would've killed me, but I feel semi-stronger now. The kids are living with me, but she says she wants to take them. Also, she wants to take our bed and the TV for her new place.

 

I'm hurting very badly, and I know it's stupid, but I want her back. I feel like we could've fixed this. If she'd just have opened up, and told me what was wrong, I could've worked on it. She says she did everything for me. She says she was always the one going grocery shopping, paying the bills, and cleaning. That's not all necessarily true. I did clean, and my money was mostly what was used to pay the bills.

 

There's a lot of other stuff I don't have time to mention, but I know I'm being stupid by wanting her back. The thing with the kids has me worried, because I don't want my kids exposed to anything crazy. My GF was always the crazy one, she liked to party and drink... but so did I. She met this girl at the bar and made out with her... which, to me, is cheating.

 

It hurts bad at times, not so bad at others. I'm scared for the kids... but I feel kind of free. The thing is, she said we're taking a break, which actually is more like a break-up. I want her back, but not this version of her... the one I fell in love with. I know I have some things to work on as well, but I feel kind of lost when I try to deal with this pain. It sucks that she waited until I proposed and after we bought a house (however, the house is in my name and that's why I kicked her out). I'm doing alright, but it's only been about 5 days.

 

Before, I was sick with depression, and now, I feel "premature" in the peace that I have sometimes... Nights are the worst, cuz I sleep in our bed and just think about her. Last night, I was a wreck. I really don't know why I'm posting this, but I guess it's for some support. I know the night's coming, and I know I'm going to feel terrible. Her mom completely agrees with me and my decisions, but she says she'll probably come back. I told my GF she needs to change, and to work through this bull****. The thing is, I don't know if I really want her back, or if I'm just screwed up in the head.

 

I might be rambling... I don't know. Just sitting at work, trying to deal with it.

[ADF]

It is not clear form your post whether you GF is bisexual or a lesbian. If it is the latter, you need to seperate. If it is the former, you can only salvage the relationship by opening it up enough to let her get her needs met. You cannot be a woman. She may need occasional sexual contact with women. I am talking about opening up the door on you relationship a little, not blowing the door off its hinges.

[Gunny376]

Heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, (Why homosexual women get their own special name is beyond me? And I know all about the Isle of Lesbos)

 

12 million! 12 million freaking American contracted an STD in the last year, and half of them didn't even know it. There are over 1000 STD's. Most are mild, treatable with antibiotics ~ but damn!

 

Some aren't. Herpes, genital warts, AIDS (Treatable but not curable)

 

When it comes to sex for me and a woman? I'm all about "threesomes" these days!

 

Me, her and a MD. We need to have some blood work done. I don't need one of those gifts that keep on giving!

 

It comes down to this and this only! Either she faithful or she's not ~ and obviously she' not. And yes just kissing is cheating, because she's transferring her emotional feelings for you to another.

 

And if she comes up with this BS that she just doesn't have any control over her so-called "tendencies" then you need to kick her to the curb.

 

In so far as what she wants from the house ~ screw that. Were it me? I might consider helping her get the basics for her new place. A bed to sleep in, a chair to sit in, a cheap glass top table.

 

Forget what she wants, you've obligations and responsibilities to those children you have, and it sounds as though your the only sane one.

 

In so far as sleep you might want to go and get yourself some over the counter, Melatonin (I would recommend both the 5 mg and 3 mg ~ take them until you come up with the right dosage) It won't knock you out, and you will still be able to answer to the children in the middle of the night, get up etc. Take too much and it will make you groggy in the morning. Its non-addictive, over the counter and you don't need a prescription to get it. Its in the herbal and vitamin center of most pharmacy.

 

What I would really recommend is that you go and see your MD and see about getting on some antidepressants and anxiety drugs. The anxiety drugs don't make you "stoned" nor drugged ~ they really don't do anything but help you achieve balance. Your not mad, your not angry, your not PO'd, your not feeling helpless, your not feeling sad, your not feeling hopeless, you don't feel despair.

 

They quite your mind, your thoughts, your worries disappear.

 

They caused me to become more easy going, mellow, less stressed out, feel less anxiety, put and bury the past in the past! I'm a good 80 to 90% + plus back to the happy-go-lucky, could give a damn guy I was 30 years ago.

 

In short? I'm getting back to being me!

 

I would also suggest you go and talk to a psychologist who works in conjunction with your Primary Care Provider, (MD, PA) Had I gone and just seen my PCP, I would have probally been prescribed Zoloft, but my Psychologist (PhD) said no we need to get him on this and that!

 

I tired Zoloft once before and it made me have weird and strange dreams, and just not feel right.

 

To tell the tale, my current boss called me in on the carpet and told me to either get professional help or get another job. I was self medicating with alcohol and was going in to work hungerover and making mistakes. Trouble is?

 

There's a difference between a .0017 and a maximum of .001 A $65,000 dollar cost! Not considering transportation cost to and from.

 

Then there ADEM and EPA ~ one violation? $10,000 a day per incident

 

Get help and talk to some one!

 

Most of all?

 

Take care of those children!

[aeren944]

Thanks for the reply, both of you. She's not lesbian, so I guess she's bisexual... I think she's just confused and going down a f**ked up path. Gunny, thanks for the advice. I tried to commit suicide before, but I didn't have any meds then... I've already made an appointment with a Guidance Clinic to get on some anti-depressants. The only thing I'm worried about is that they won't make me feel happy when I should be happy. I hope they can just take the edge off of the depression.

 

It's funny, because I'm much stronger than how I was when this happened 6 months ago. I can tell when I talk to her that she knows it and she's the one that feels f-ed up. Honestly, I'm glad... cuz she ruined this, not me. She tried to tell me that she paid all the bills and did all the shopping, but since she's gone, that's my job now, and I have no problem doing it... I already went grocery shopping with my kids yesterday. She has a knack for trying to place the blame on everything but herself, but I'm on to her now, and I'm not taking her part of the blame.

 

This morning, she was supposed to come watch the kids so I could go to work. I asked her about four times yesterday to make sure and show up. Time came this morning, and she never showed. I called her, texted her, but got no answer. After about an hour, she called and said she overslept. She apologized like fifty times, and I said, "I don't care, just get here." Luckily, my mom was in the area, so I made it to work, only being an hour late. She called me a little later to tell me she was on her way, and she sounded really bad... depressed or something. Honestly, I kinda felt a little happy... but the thing is, I think I'm thinking that because I think she'll want me back and realize that I was good for her... Should I even be thinking that? What's to prevent her from cheating again? Also, I just need to be better to be better for ME... not to show her what she did wrong. Every time I think about it, I catch myself thinking that she'll come back, because she's seeing how I'm getting over her...

[just_some_guy]

On the depression thing, regular, sustained physical exercise can really help with the symptoms of depression. Depression is one of those little whirlpools that sucks you in and pulls you under the more you give in to it. To escape it, you have to swim away and across it. You have to fight it. Generally, that means doing exactly the opposite of what depression makes you want to do. If it makes you want to stay in bed under the sheets (so you can feel guilty for being a lazy slob), get up, shower and go outside. If it makes you want to stuff yourself with food (so you can then feel guilty about it), stick to a healthy eating plan and don't beat yourself up. If it makes you not want to eat, (so you can feel terrible from a lack of blood sugar), make an eating plan and eat when you are supposed to, breakfast as soon as you wake up. A snack in the midmorning, lunch at lunch time, a snack in the afternoon and dinner at dinner time and a little snack at night.

 

Depression (I think) is the mind's way of throwing you off the trail of dealing with your own internally painful stuff. A self-defense mechanism to avoid pain of something inside.

 

In some way, you have given over the power of your own happiness to this woman. She has issues and you can't fix that. But you can fix the issues with your own boundaries and self-image and what you can deal with, and give voice to that.

[aeren944]

Yeah, I'm very skinny... its hard for me to eat already. That's a good plan, to force myself to eat. It's really hard, though. I felt strong this morning, but I can already feel it slipping. This morning, she came by (while my mom was there) to watch my son, and she'd brought her "friend" with her. That kind of upsets me that she's at home, using my computer, and my stuff, with her "friend".

[carhill]

OP, here's my thoughts...

 

See a doctor and get a baseline physical. This would be a prerequisite for any competent professional rx'ing psych meds.

 

Establish paternity formally, if not already done. This is critical.

 

Make arrangements for independent child care. It appears you are the custodial parent. Regardless, don't depend on her for your custodial responsibilities.

 

Accept that she wants a 'break' and that she is bi-sexual or bi-curious. Accept that she will not be 'faithful' to you, but that demonstrated transparency of fidelity, along with counseling, is a prerequisite for any reconciliation.

 

I'd ask for the engagement ring back but YMMV.

 

Focus on three things:

Getting healthy, physically and emotionally

Becoming or remaining financially stable

Prioritizing your children

 

You may need professional help. Don't be shy about seeking it out. Many affordable avenues exist. Find them. Good luck

[aeren944]

Thanks, carhill. We already established paternity of the kids, they are definitely mine. I've actually already set up a babysitter for my kids, without her help. Actually, I'm kind of proud that I'm doing all this. I understand that she's bi-curious or whatever... actually, what I'm doing is trying to focus on the fact that it's over... despite the fact that I want her back really badly. I love her... but not this version of her. She needs to work through this crap and then, come back. I've got to focus on myself... but all I want to do is stay inside and hide. Today's pretty hard, and that sucks!!

 

Part of me wants her to keep the engagement ring, because of that hope that she'll come back...

[carhill]

Just so I'm clear, and I did a quick review of AZ statute, are you listed as the father on the children's birth certificates and/or have a formal (meaning legal) declaration of paternity, one she could legally use to enforce child support statute if you were to break up permanently? This process is critical for an unmarried father, and of course responsibilities (like child support) attend.

 

IMO, the best and only way to 'get her back' is to move forward proactively, doing what is best for *you* and *your children*. If that is attractive to her, then it may impel her to return. If not, not. Your life and that of your children do not turn on the whims of a woman.

 

If you get counseling, this will become clear over time. Crystal clear. Clarity and acceptance were the two most critical lessons I learned in our 14 months of MC. You can change how you think. I had plenty of 'checking out' moments in the years prior. Get started today

[aeren944]

Yes, my name is on both of my kids' birth certificates. I'm not sure if she'll go after child support or custody, but I feel like I have pretty good grounds to fight her if she does. I'm trying the best I can right now to do what you're saying... working on only me and my kids. Just sucks, at the moment...

[just_some_guy]

Have bite to eat, something with complex carbos (not sugar or potato chips). Turn off the computer. Go for a walk.

 

It is part of the fight.

[carhill]

Doctor first, counselor second. Try non-medical methods first, then use pharmacology if unsuccessful. One day at a time. Map it out. Step by step. They're *your* steps. Take them

[aeren944]

Thank you so much for the replies... it's really helping me today. Today, I feel like hyperventilating, like my chest's caving in. I just feel in pain... I know I shouldn't... I know I shouldn't want her back... not like this. My problem is that I'm kind of a homebody... a bit anti-social. I've got three days off coming up, and it scares me because I don't want to feel in pain, and I know I'm going to be home alone with my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids so much, but I don't want them to see that I'm in pain. I need to get out and meet people, or do something, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go to meet anyone, and I don't know what to do.

 

Today's really hard, and I can't explain it... I think it's because she came over to watch my son with her "special friend" or whatever. I feel betrayed, and I feel hurt, and I feel like she doesn't care at all... and that hurts. It's like all these things piling on top of each other and making me feel like my heart's going to crumble. I work in front of a computer for 12 hours a day, doing Internet Tech Support, so I can't get away from the computer. I'm stuck, existing in this and trying not to break down...

 

All I can think of is getting her back... what I'll say if she wants to come back... what I'll do to make things better... what she needs to do to make it better. I'm shooting myself in the foot by doing that... its like I'm obsessed about her, and I can't help it.

[carhill]

Yep, know all those feelings, or at least my brand of them. Haven't seen a human, other than getting groceries yesterday, in a week. Today is 51 candles. I'll make dinner for the cat. Stbx has been gone now over a year. It all happened ..... one day at a time.

 

Interesting how a 'homebody' craves 'to get out and meet people, or do something', isn't it. I'll tell you what I did; I learned how to travel cheaply and now choose when I want to get that 'get out and meet people' desire satisfied. The side effect is that I've seen the world. Wonderful place. Puts the fiance on break with her bi-curiosity into perspective.

[aeren944]

This weekend was HELL. I couldn't sleep... barely ate...

 

There's a big part of me that just wants her back... but I think I just want the normalcy, or the comfort back... I don't want the cheating b*tch that she turned into...

 

I'm trying to stay strong... to remind myself that she f*cked this up, not me. Trying to tell myself that I'll be okay, and that I'll find someone that's WAY better than she was. It hurts so bad right now, though. I'm angry because my heart tells me I need her back... I'm hurting because I sleep alone. I want to cut my heart out and smash it on the floor, just so I don't feel this pain anymore.

 

I'm usually strong, in the morning, but as the night comes on, it gets very hard. I hate that she's f*cked me up so bad... I hate that I can't just be a man, suck it up, and go on with life. I WANT to be over her... I WANT to never see her again... but we share these kids. I'll be forced to see her, and I have to come to terms with that. This sucks!!!!

 

I did go to a Guidance Clinic here in town, and finally got perscribed some anti-depressants. I'm not even sure if that's going to work, but I feel like there's something that needs to be done now... I feel like I'm in a state of emergency. I know it's going to take time... but I'm honestly jealous of her because she seems happy... she seems like she's completely over me. I f*cking hate it.

 

I know it will take time... I just don't know what to do right now... I keep thinking to the future... like, how am I going to find someone else? How am I going to not feel this pain? How am I going to keep any motivation?

 

I hope someone has some advice for me... or something...

Edited May 10, 2010 by aeren944

[aeren944]

Also, yesterday, she informed me that it wasn't a "break" anymore... that we were breaking up. I should've seen that coming... but it hurt and enraged me. She's moving all her stuff out on Thursday...

 

Part of me never, ever wants to see her again... but we share our kids. I'll always be tied to her because of my kids. What really pisses me off is that part of me wants her back... STILL. I can't get OVER her.

 

My mom says I need to ask for the ring back... and I think the reason I haven't is because that's the last part of the relationship... that's the last straw. Like, if I ask for the ring back, it severs ALL ties, and there's no hope at all for us... but, realistically, I suppose there IS no hope for us.

 

People tell me karma's a pain... and it will come back and bite her. But, that doesn't really make it better. I'm just trying to exist... trying to survive... I don't know what to do.

[aeren944]

Well, here's the update:

 

She got an apartment, and she's moving all her stuff out on Thursday. She texted me yesterday saying that she'd be doing laundry and stuff at my house. I told her no. I told her that I wasn't going to be used anymore. She got really upset, saying that I'm lucky she's not taking half of everything. She said she'd go ahead and take the washer and dryer. I told her that's fine, to go ahead and take it. She went ahead and talked, saying that the reason she moved was because she was tired of talking and me not changing. I told her, I had tried doing everything she asked, tried hard to accomidate her. She said she needed a break, and I needed to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself.

 

I ended up saying, this was NOT a break, just like she'd said before, and told her I don't believe her, just because she's got a girlfriend now. She didn't answer me, and was totally silent. I said she didn't have anything to say, because she could justify everything, explain away everything and put it all on me... except the girlfriend. She couldn't defend that and justify that. I told her she was selfish, and that I didn't need her in my life. I told her we'd see each other when we exchanged the kids, but I didn't need to talk to her other than that. This seemed to really upset her. She said she never meant to hurt me, that she was doing this so she wouldn't hurt me any more. I said, that's fine, and I don't need to talk to her any more. The whole thing spilled over into this morning.

 

I ended up sticking to my guns. Telling her I don't want her in my life. She said she'd always be in my life, because of the kids. I said that that was true, and that I'd have very minimal contact with her, aside from when we exchange the kids. She said she'd always hope for one day when we can be friends.

 

Thing is, it hurt like crazy, but I think I can begin to heal now. This is no contact. This is what I need. It's weird because, for the entire morning, I've been sitting here in a haze. I'm fine with it. I just don't care. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants finally kicking in... or if I really, really don't care. I know it's gotten to her, but she's still packing her crap and moving out... which is the best thing. I think she really thought I would sit here and wait, while she had her girlfriend and had her fun. But, I'm not... and I won't. I'm a little suspicious of how the whole "moving out" thing is going to go. I wonder if she's going to come, take a whole bunch of stuff, and call if even... like half... like she threatened to do before.

 

It sucks... but like I said, I'm sitting here in a fog, and I just don't care now.

 

I came to LS for support... with my post before. I sat and hurt, embraced the pain, and ached... I'm coming here again, with this update, hoping someone has at least SOMETHING to say...

 

Is this the anti-depressants kicking in? Is this what I should do? Is there any chance at all of saving what we had? Is she going to screw me over? Am I already screwing her over by doing this? ANY input would be appreciated... any input at all...

 

Edit: It's nice to not hurt so bad... to feel like I just don't give a sh*t... but I can tell it's the anti-depressants... and I wonder if this is really the best or just self-medication and nothing else...

Edited May 11, 2010 by aeren944
See above

[Gunny376]

My Psychologist and MD have me on both AD's and anxiety medication. Not Zoloft which just caused me to feel weird and have weird dreams.

 

Of the two? I would say that its the anxiety medication that's help the most. I care but then again? I don't give a damn about anything. That is to say I don't worry about anything. I'm more balanced, spaze out less, don't get angry over anything. I'm not high, nor am I in a ditch. I'm drinking less, and sleep more (good sound deep sleep with good happy dreams)

 

With that aside, put a hold on the Thursday move out thing. Have her make a list of what she wants and what she's going to take. Leave her an option in case she leaves something off of the list. Have the police there if need be, but make sure that your there so she doesn't steal you blind.

 

If need be hire an off-duty policeman ~ there's always one looking to make a couple of extra bucks. An on-duty one has better things to do than supervise someone moving out.

 

Seriously your better off. People come and people go ~ there's no one monkey that makes a show.

 

I've been married once, and shacked up with another one. When I get where I want to be financially and get back into the market ~ I know exactly what kind of woman I'm looking for.

 

Someone who's independent, self supporting, owns their own home, doesn't need a man around all of the time, but who's looking for a monogamous relationship.

 

When she's tired of my being around? She can telll me ~ "Gunny go home, I'll call you sometime later."

 

Your just working off an addiction ~ just make sure you don't substitute another "bad" one for the one your working off.

 

Being career military and going to see a psychologist or psycharist and getting on meds ~ well? Its just something you don't do.

 

Should have done it years ago ~ I'm 90% + back to being the "me" that I was before I went through twenty years in the Marine Corps, a "lying cheating, two-timing, whoring, can't satisfy, can't please, can't pacify bitch of a wife" ~ a year long seperation, a divorce, bankruptcy, ten years of being in credit hell, driving old junk used cars, child support equal to more than 1/4 of my net income, problems with the XHEX trying to make my life Hell with my Sergeant Major and First Sergeant, throwing me under the bus with the IRS behind my back.

 

Oh yea! I definately want me another twenty years of that!

 

Friends? I would sooner hang with the Devil himself than that bitch!

 

One thing about though?

 

I pity the fool of a woman that trys and play me? Not that I'm out to be mean, hurtful, abusive of women mind you? Nor disresptful of them.

 

But the next one I get with? Had best be straight up, straight forward, say what she means, and mean what she says! My days of playing silly games with women?

 

Are over. One says she's leaving? That's all fine and good!

 

Just understand one thing? Once I hear the closing of the door? There's no coming back! EVER!

[Gunny376]

BTW?

 

Such phrases as ~

 

"I love you but not in love with you!"

 

"I need some space!"

 

"I need some time and space!"

 

"I need a break!"

 

"I need some time to myself!"

 

Darling if you don't already have someone on the side? You best get to steppin' in finding you one because you and I are done, did and over with!

[aeren944]

Thanks for the reply, Gunny...

 

Tell me... why shouldn't I just ****ing kill myself??

[Gunny376]

Because your a spiritual being going through a physical experience. when in fact your a much more multi-dimensioalQ

 

Ita not just me, nor math, nor phyics ~

 

 

Read the "Physics of Immotaility!"

Edited May 12, 2010 by Gunny376

[Chrome Barracuda]

Because you need to be a strong force of love for your two kids that's why...

 

Listen man, get your ring back, have LC with her and focus on making your LIFE great without her in it. why have a flake for a girlfriend!? Now the lesbo girlfriend will have to put up with her dumbazz issues. She's gonna feel the full brunt of it. Also go see a lawyer and get a child custody agreement set in stone.

 

females play that game, you dont want her to change the rules on a fly.

 

And you said you feel free, well you are my friend. Dude your in your mid 20's you are young, live your life!!!!

 

Take care of your kids and forget about that flake of an ex. Do NOT be friend...

 

That only enables her to believe what she did was ok. You are not ok with what she did. Anything that happens to her, will be her own problem. that's for her to fix. it isnt your problem anymore!

[aeren944]

Thanks... I understand. I had a rough few days... crumbling inside. You're right... but I think everything I had fun doing was because of her. I was THAT into her, which totally sucks and I see that now... but it's too late and I'm paying the price. I know, I need to "live my life"... I just find it incredibly hard right now... like I said, I can't like find enjoyment in anything. I don't know what to do about it...

 

My mind keeps thinking of her... and it's almost as if I don't want to heal... I don't want to be without her, you know? The only thing I've done since she took the kids for the weekend, is sit at home on the computer... I feel so ****ing guilty because of that... and I know she's out with her girlfriend and being happy or something...

 

She moved into an apartment really near me... I've already walked past it four times... on purpose. I don't know why I'm doing that... it only brings pain.

Edited May 15, 2010 by aeren944

[aeren944]

You know what, Chrome... I've been thinking about what you wrote all day today, and you're absolutely right. I started LC today... I was trying to do that earlier, but she always texted me and I always answered. Today, she messaged me on Facebook, asking for more stuff from my house... basic, little stuff. I said okay, and that I'd bring it I picked up the kids... she went on to say "How are you holding up?" To which I did NOT reply. She waited for about an hour before finally saying, "Sorry I bothered you, have a good day." And she logged off.

 

I'm trying to think for myself. Why should I make HER feel better by telling her how crappy I feel? Why should she know how I feel AT ALL? She walked away from it. I'm trying to be strong... its just hard because I feel like if she wants to get back together, if she changes in the future, I'm sabotaging a future with her...

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what, Chrome... I've been thinking about what you wrote all day today, and you're absolutely right. I started LC today... I was trying to do that earlier, but she always texted me and I always answered. Today, she messaged me on Facebook, asking for more stuff from my house... basic, little stuff. I said okay, and that I'd bring it I picked up the kids... she went on to say "How are you holding up?" To which I did NOT reply. She waited for about an hour before finally saying, "Sorry I bothered you, have a good day." And she logged off.

 

I'm trying to think for myself. Why should I make HER feel better by telling her how crappy I feel? Why should she know how I feel AT ALL? She walked away from it. I'm trying to be strong... its just hard because I feel like if she wants to get back together, if she changes in the future, I'm sabotaging a future with her...

 

While your at it. defriend her from your facebook page and block her while your at it. your new life she shouldnt be privy to. if she wants something she can email you about it. LC. if it has nothing to do with the kids dont respond. You must be like a ninja. dark and evasive. only respond when you need to.