We're taking a "break"...

[aeren944]

Okay, I understand... but that's very tough. I want to keep her on my Facebook friends because, honestly, I want to check up on her... also, I don't want her to know straight out that I'm avoiding her. That sounds really stupid, I know... that's how I feel. I know you're right, though... I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

 

There's this crazy streak in me... I walked by her apartment three times last night... I don't know why, or what I was looking for, or how that could help me at all... I just turned crazy. How do I deal with that? Why am I doing this, and how do I stop? I know, I need to get a life, but I don't know how to do that right now... my whole life was wrapped up in her...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Okay, I understand... but that's very tough. I want to keep her on my Facebook friends because, honestly, I want to check up on her... also, I don't want her to know straight out that I'm avoiding her. That sounds really stupid, I know... that's how I feel. I know you're right, though... I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

 

There's this crazy streak in me... I walked by her apartment three times last night... I don't know why, or what I was looking for, or how that could help me at all... I just turned crazy. How do I deal with that? Why am I doing this, and how do I stop? I know, I need to get a life, but I don't know how to do that right now... my whole life was wrapped up in her...

 

Nope. You delete her from your facebook. She'll always be leaving you little comments on your page like your her emasculated male friend. Who the F wants that!??

 

Your not avoiding her, your LIVING YOUR LIFE!!! And she's NOT A PART OF IT!

 

Yes it hurts like ripping the scab away from your body, but this is what needs to be done. You cannot have independance from her unless you do so. Your whole life was wrapped in her.

 

Yeah, and. You act like you cannot rebuild. Rebuild things with your own interests and have new friends and have parties. I mean nothing is stopping you only the specter of what was the past in your head. Dude. be happy you didnt end up with this chick for life. Better to see her true face now, than to see it when your comfortable and she's gonna rape you in court and take half.

 

First thing you do is detach away from her!

[mikeymad]

What to expect when you get dumped!

 

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. On the internet, I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest."

[aeren944]

Thanks, guys. mikey, I actually saw your other post with that posting there, and I printed it out and put it on my wall at work. It helps a lot.

 

Okay, so I need to detach... I'm trying. I told her yesterday that there would be no more texts, other than the kids. She texted me A LOT yesterday, and she's already started doing it today... I haven't answered a single one. She's saying she will always love me and I was her best friend... its hard not to respond to that one.

 

I was pretty pissed off yesterday, and that totally helped with the pain... but as the night drew on, I felt that sick pain again, and I missed her. I know time will heal, I just have to stay busy I guess? I'll keep you posted on any events, I guess... just need the support. I'm trying to meet new people, but its really hard since this is all so fresh. I AM glad I didn't marry her... that she flipped now, instead of later... but that's the only consolation prize I can think of. Thanks again, for the replies...

[floridapad]

Arena,

 

She's playing with your emotions. She wants out then believe her. If she misses you she probably does a bit, but their is NOTHING in her words that say she can't live with out you, she made a mistake blah blah blah, that would indicate she wants to reconcile. Everytime you tell her you miss her too or you allow her to have contact with you, she gains control back and THAT is what she wants. She wants to be in control. Go LC. I told my W that I love her too much to be friends and I need to detach from you and please do not call me or text me unless it is an EMREGENCY. Get set esablished times for visitation and be consistant. NOTHING is worse than a semi-rigid LC plan. Nothing. Make a plan and stick to it.

 

She misses you? Good. This is what she wanted so don't you dare give in.

[mimidarlin]

Mikey,

That post rocked. We all have to learn what we did to contribute to the demise of our relationships. It may be as simple as trying to make them happy. This can push us into an area where we have no limits on what we'll do for them. Their happiness above ours. But do they return that focus?

 

I've done the 180. Limited contact on purpose....for my own sanity. Knew he wasn't coming back and then realized I didn't want him. Now he sees me suddenly happy. I mean really happy. Everyone notices it. He calls...just to check in. I'm very quickly all business. I can be civil. I can even be nice. I do not want to be friends right now. Don't know if it would ever be possible given the past. I was his best friend. He told me everything. Now I'm not there. Tough. He can tell something has changed in my life. It isn't any of his business. You have to realize that they are not healthy for you.

 

Aeren. She might start to realize that you are moving on and will drive her crazy. You have got to establish your limits if you want her back and she wants to come back. What do you need? More than her just being faithful...which she isn't. You need more than her just being in your life and you trying to please her. You were into her....why? What did she do for you emotionally and physically? Wake up...realize that you deserve happiness and you may not get it from her.

 

take care

[seibert253]

Well, here's the update:

 

She got an apartment, and she's moving all her stuff out on Thursday. She texted me yesterday saying that she'd be doing laundry and stuff at my house. I told her no. I told her that I wasn't going to be used anymore. She got really upset, saying that I'm lucky she's not taking half of everything. She said she'd go ahead and take the washer and dryer. I told her that's fine, to go ahead and take it. She went ahead and talked, saying that the reason she moved was because she was tired of talking and me not changing. I told her, I had tried doing everything she asked, tried hard to accomidate her. She said she needed a break, and I needed to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself.

 

I ended up saying, this was NOT a break, just like she'd said before, and told her I don't believe her, just because she's got a girlfriend now. She didn't answer me, and was totally silent. I said she didn't have anything to say, because she could justify everything, explain away everything and put it all on me... except the girlfriend. She couldn't defend that and justify that. I told her she was selfish, and that I didn't need her in my life. I told her we'd see each other when we exchanged the kids, but I didn't need to talk to her other than that. This seemed to really upset her. She said she never meant to hurt me, that she was doing this so she wouldn't hurt me any more. I said, that's fine, and I don't need to talk to her any more. The whole thing spilled over into this morning.

 

I ended up sticking to my guns. Telling her I don't want her in my life. She said she'd always be in my life, because of the kids. I said that that was true, and that I'd have very minimal contact with her, aside from when we exchange the kids. She said she'd always hope for one day when we can be friends.

 

Thing is, it hurt like crazy, but I think I can begin to heal now. This is no contact. This is what I need. It's weird because, for the entire morning, I've been sitting here in a haze. I'm fine with it. I just don't care. I wonder if this is the anti-depressants finally kicking in... or if I really, really don't care. I know it's gotten to her, but she's still packing her crap and moving out... which is the best thing. I think she really thought I would sit here and wait, while she had her girlfriend and had her fun. But, I'm not... and I won't. I'm a little suspicious of how the whole "moving out" thing is going to go. I wonder if she's going to come, take a whole bunch of stuff, and call if even... like half... like she threatened to do before.

 

It sucks... but like I said, I'm sitting here in a fog, and I just don't care now.

 

I came to LS for support... with my post before. I sat and hurt, embraced the pain, and ached... I'm coming here again, with this update, hoping someone has at least SOMETHING to say...

 

Is this the anti-depressants kicking in? Is this what I should do? Is there any chance at all of saving what we had? Is she going to screw me over? Am I already screwing her over by doing this? ANY input would be appreciated... any input at all...

 

Edit: It's nice to not hurt so bad... to feel like I just don't give a sh*t... but I can tell it's the anti-depressants... and I wonder if this is really the best or just self-medication and nothing else...

 

And thus begins the rest of your life. Free from all this crap, free from her.

 

Time and distance my friend. These heal ALL wounds.

[aeren944]

Thank you. I've been a wreck lately, and I'm constantly question myself on if the LC was a good idea. I want her back... but not like this. The pain is hard... I spent most of the day yesterday laying on the floor crying. I know the LC will be better for me, in the long run.

 

She called me yesterday, regarding the kids, or so she said... but eventually the conversation came around to "How are you holding up?" I kind of went off on her, telling her that I don't think she really cares, and that nothing I said was going to change anything. I ended the call pretty pissed off... but, like an idiot, I sent her a long e-mail last night. I don't know why I did that... but, as mikey's post says, you have to forgive yourself for doing stupid things.

 

We kind of already have a plan... I'll take them one week, and she'll take them the other. Other than that, I don't need to talk to her, or know what she's doing... I've got to cut this tumor out of my life.

[mikeymad]

No more mr nice guy!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Keep that animostiy against her, and turn it into indifference. anytime she calls asking you about emotions and feelings shut it off and shut her down. Even hang up on her if you have to. Show her you arent gonna be her friend or emotional whipping boy anymore!!!!

 

Dont send her anymore emails unless they deal with the children.

 

If you apologized to her ok fine...

 

But seriously she needs to see what her life is like without you in it. and vice versa. She isnt your friend. just the woman who had your kids... that's all..

 

She's not your girlfriend anymore. just a woman that had your kids. be a co-parent that's all..

[aeren944]

I know... that animosity helped for the moment. But, the thing is, I don't want to hate her, or something. I'm not sure. What if her life without me is absolutely spectacular? What if I was the one holding her down or whatever? I know, I guess it doesn't matter, but it's just that I wish her life SUCKED without me. I don't know, we spent 8 years together, and this whole thing surprised me... she says she wasn't happy and that she told me, but I know she didn't tell me. We were engaged, and if she would have said ANYTHING like that, I would have tried to make her happy.

 

I understand... she isn't my friend. I actually went ahead and removed and blocked her from my Facebook yesterday. I didn't tell her at all... guess I'm just going to wait until she finds out. It's been 3 weeks today since all of this went down. Today, I feel alright... I feel depressed, but not terrible. I'm getting used to living by myself, with my kids, when they're with me. I don't know if I like it, though... I guess I'm just a negative thinker, and I need to train myself to be more positive, I guess.

 

I understand what you're saying, Chrome. I know I need to look out for me... to keep that anger in my back pocket and rely on it when I feel weak. There's still part of me that thinks we could've worked on it... if she wasn't happy, she could have told me, you know? I just feel kind of confused right now. I understand it's only been 3 weeks, but I can't help but think all this junk. Maybe I'll be better off without her, but that's just tough to see now, I think. I don't know.

 

She called last night, and left me a message saying the kids were pretty bad, meaning that they were crying a lot, and upset... I know... they know what's going on. My 2 year old son is really fragile now, and he's very weirded out with this whole situation. That part kills me. I wanted to call her back and say, "See? Your decisions affect more than just you." But I didn't.

 

A co-parent... I'll try.

[mikeymad]

I know... that animosity helped for the moment. But, the thing is, I don't want to hate her, or something. I'm not sure. What if her life without me is absolutely spectacular? What if I was the one holding her down or whatever? I know, I guess it doesn't matter, but it's just that I wish her life SUCKED without me. I don't know, we spent 8 years together, and this whole thing surprised me... she says she wasn't happy and that she told me, but I know she didn't tell me. We were engaged, and if she would have said ANYTHING like that, I would have tried to make her happy.

 

I understand... she isn't my friend. I actually went ahead and removed and blocked her from my Facebook yesterday. I didn't tell her at all... guess I'm just going to wait until she finds out. It's been 3 weeks today since all of this went down. Today, I feel alright... I feel depressed, but not terrible. I'm getting used to living by myself, with my kids, when they're with me. I don't know if I like it, though... I guess I'm just a negative thinker, and I need to train myself to be more positive, I guess.

 

I understand what you're saying, Chrome. I know I need to look out for me... to keep that anger in my back pocket and rely on it when I feel weak. There's still part of me that thinks we could've worked on it... if she wasn't happy, she could have told me, you know? I just feel kind of confused right now. I understand it's only been 3 weeks, but I can't help but think all this junk. Maybe I'll be better off without her, but that's just tough to see now, I think. I don't know.

She called last night, and left me a message saying the kids were pretty bad, meaning that they were crying a lot, and upset... I know... they know what's going on. My 2 year old son is really fragile now, and he's very weirded out with this whole situation. That part kills me. I wanted to call her back and say, "See? Your decisions affect more than just you." But I didn't.

 

A co-parent... I'll try.

 

You don't have to hate her. If you do, that still means she is still controlling your emotions, and you are wasting energy on her. The opposite of giving yourself is not hate...it's INDIFFERENCE. That is what you need to do, become indifferent. She says I love you....poker face.....she says I hate you....poker face. Her actions no longer have an effect on how you feel, think, act, or behave. She lost that power when you left. It's normal to want their life to suck because they made yours a living hell, I did too. But to want their live to suck is vengeful and wasting energy on them, something that you don't want to stoop to their level.

 

Speaking of power...look at all those words I bolded. I think...maybe...I guess....I'll try. What do they all have in common? They're weak, and powerless. Take back your power. Be decisive. Remember that book I gave you? Did you read it? Yes you got dealt a ****ty hand, like a helluva lot of us here. But from this point out? That life is up to you. You weren't married, so the only thing you need to do is worry about co-parenting and child support. No divorce...nothing. Count your lucky stars. If you really want revenge, don't wish for her life to suck, go out and make your life AWESOME. Then she'll regret ever being the one to leave you...but guess what? You won't give a rat's tail because you'll be with someone who can appreciate you and won't bail.

 

If she starts whining and crap tell her, I understand but these are the decisions you made, and you have to deal with the consequences.

[aeren944]

You don't have to hate her. If you do, that still means she is still controlling your emotions, and you are wasting energy on her. The opposite of giving yourself is not hate...it's INDIFFERENCE. That is what you need to do, become indifferent. She says I love you....poker face.....she says I hate you....poker face. Her actions no longer have an effect on how you feel, think, act, or behave. She lost that power when you left. It's normal to want their life to suck because they made yours a living hell, I did too. But to want their live to suck is vengeful and wasting energy on them, something that you don't want to stoop to their level.

 

Speaking of power...look at all those words I bolded. I think...maybe...I guess....I'll try. What do they all have in common? They're weak, and powerless. Take back your power. Be decisive. Remember that book I gave you? Did you read it? Yes you got dealt a ****ty hand, like a helluva lot of us here. But from this point out? That life is up to you. You weren't married, so the only thing you need to do is worry about co-parenting and child support. No divorce...nothing. Count your lucky stars. If you really want revenge, don't wish for her life to suck, go out and make your life AWESOME. Then she'll regret ever being the one to leave you...but guess what? You won't give a rat's tail because you'll be with someone who can appreciate you and won't bail.

 

If she starts whining and crap tell her, I understand but these are the decisions you made, and you have to deal with the consequences.

OK, thanks, mikey. No, I haven't been able to read much of the book, yet. I'll work on that. I understand what you're saying. I might be weak, and I need to get my assertiveness back. This may sound stupid, but this is what stuck out the most from your post. You said to go out and make my life awesome... well, how do I do that?? That's what I'm saying, I'm confused, hurt, and whatever else. I have no idea what to get out and do... or what's going to be awesome, you know?

 

People will probably roll their eyes at reading that. I don't really care. Call me anti-social, or weak, or whatever... that's where I'm at. I'm just asking for help. Like, what, am I supposed to go to bars and meet people? Am I supposed to do the Internet dating thing? I'm honestly questioning what I'm supposed to do to get out and make my life "awesome". I'm holding down the house payment, the bills, and can barely put food on the table right now... money's tight. So, what do I do?

 

I don't need to hear how I'm stupid for not having a life or for not knowing what to do... I just need help right now... just dealing with a lot.

[mikeymad]

It's ok man...I was confused about that as well when someone first said that to me. I completely understand where you are coming from.

 

I'm not talking about going out and blowing a bunch of cash, or going out bed hopping. I'm just talking about discovering who YOU are. Figuring out if you had no limitations, what would your life look like? What are your dreams for YOU? Once you can find those out, you have a direction to work towards, regardless of another person.

 

Making your life awesome means doing what makes you happy. Some will call that selfish, but it's really not. It's called self INTEREST. You see, it's hard to be something to someone else when you're not happy with yourself and your own life. So go rekindle old friendships (i would suggest men), go be active. Smile at people. Laugh. It's hard advice to take, but when you work on making yourself happy, you will naturally attract more happiness to your life. When I decided to open the shades on my apartment, turn on the lights, and stop crying into books about "saving my relationship" FAR after it was over, I realized there is a whole nother world out there, missing out on ME because I was holed up feeling sorry for myself. When I started getting out of my comfort zone, started being an IM (you'll have to read more of the book to get that one) then you start to look at things differently.

 

Do one thing today that you enjoy doing, that can make you smile, bring you peace, or make you laugh. Something that can make you forget about the hell you went through, even if for a moment. Then just work on making more of those moments every day.

[aeren944]

Ok, today is MUCH better. I'm hoping this is one of the "good" days. I put a lot into perspective last night, and realized that I used to be so much more social, funny, and cool. I want that guy back... the guy before her. At least it gives me a direction to work toward, makes me feel like I'm proactively trying.

 

Its tough, mikey, because I'm not sure what makes me happy anymore. I've been reading that book (up to half way through Chapter 3)... the thing is, I don't think a lot of it applies to me, because I wasn't so much a people pleaser... and I feel like I may be too depressed at the moment to really give solid, or truthful, answers to the questions. Still trying, though.

 

Anyway, this is one of the good days... but yesterday, and the day before, were both very terrible days. I cried nearly all day, and I just wanted to die. It sucks... and I read on here that that's going to happen a lot more than the good days. I'm trying to hold onto this day... it's my respite right now. I am scared of another bad day... I don't want them to come...