best needed

[greenbuilt]

so here i am trying my best to save a 20 year marrage, 2 great kids, 9 and 14. help me give it my best shot.

 

my wife has been in an ea possible pa for several years. we have struggled with it stewing under the surface. she has been evasive with this issue and i has made me very suspicious and the trust has been lost. while the kids and i were on spring break she surprised us all by moving out, getting a house and filing for divorce. we came home and she was there waiting but had moved out.

 

3 weeks later i am meeting with a lawer tomorrow and it looks like that is where we are headed.

 

no discussion, no reason. nothing but " i cant do it any more, not a good wife, etc." no councling, nothing, she is dead.

 

we have always gotten along great, no fighting, great partners, best friends, hard working, self made, on and on. we are the american dream. i have felt so blessed and have been the best husband and father i could be. i built my business so i could be with the kids anytime. always there. i helped to build and funded my wifes buisiness.

 

no she is out and the papers have been signed. wtf. i really do not think there is anybody else. the om in the ea has a girlfriend and my wife seems to stalk him.

 

it seems to be a wierd longing for a friendship that i got in the way of and now she hates me. her mom and grandma are bi-polar. wife is 46 and starting pre menapause.

 

we have alot to lose if it goes to d. we invested heavily in her buisiness and are stuggling to pay it off using my biz profits. it is working but lots of stress.

 

i am very interested in keeping the family together. the change in the kids over the last 3 weeks is amazing, childhood is gone.

[tojaz]

Well Green, in reading your story including your other thread, I would have to say that this screams MLC. You state that it is an EA and a one sided one at that. So the question becomes, what does the fantasy provide that you do not? I'm not saying a fault of some kind or even that its something that is attainable, but it obviously fulfills some need for her to carry on this far.

 

Unfortunately your actions are severely limited. Shes the only one that knows the rules to this particular game. Options are to do what you've done, file for divorce, but stand for your marriage. Or let go. I believe you've already decided. Standing is going to be a long hard road.

 

Give this a read and see how her actions match up. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

 

The Standing actions are your best shot, but sadly a long one.

Keep Posting

 

TOJAZ

[greenbuilt]

i looked at the link and the information there pretty much sums up what has been going on. wife has filed for d and now we have 6 months waiting period to try to turn it around. we get along just as well as ever. no fighting or arguing. all positive interactions. i am determined to get my family back together again. i have always been very thankfull for my family and life and i do not intend to give up now.

 

i know she still loves me and we have always worked well as a team. i know we can pull out of this nosedive, with patience and effort.

[tojaz]

Good for you Green. At least you have six months to work on it. Mine was over in the blink of an eye, not nearly long enough to even wrap my head around what was happening, let alone do anything about it. Best of luck and keep us posted how we can help.

 

TOJAZ

[Penelope-love]

Greenbuilt,

 

wife has filed for d and now we have 6 months waiting period to try to turn it around.

If you are trying to turn around—stop—a midlife crisis, you need a new goal. If your wife is in MLC, reconciliation is not going to happen within 6 months. MLC lasts a few years. She may seem to turn around, but that is because MLCers cycle.

 

Go ahead and read the Standing Actions section in the link Tojaz provided. But it is more important that you understand the Self-Focus section. It is the part people skip over in their haste to save their marriage by fixing their spouse.

 

If you are going to do things in order to get them to work and you measure it as working if she stops the divorce process, you are measuring the wrong thing. Some do stop the process early. My husband stopped the divorce early in his midlife crisis but did not stop the crisis. His affair continued for a few more years and he came and left several times. It is too common for newbies within a few months of Bomb Drop to start threads saying that whatever method they are doing is not working because their spouse is filing, still filing, leaving or still gone.

 

The Standing Actions are not a cure-all if you expect them to save your marriage within the next six months—or ever. To save your marriage you must first look at your Self and start there for making changes.

[hopesndreams]

my wife has been in an ea possible pa for several years.

 

How long have you known about this, struggling and stewing?

 

i really do not think there is anybody else. the om in the ea has a girlfriend and my wife seems to stalk him.

 

Does OM's GF know?

 

trust has been lost.

i have felt so blessed

 

How has being unable to trust her been a blessing? Sounds to me, you have been living a nightmare. Time to wake up, take charge and give her what she wants, a D.