Should I marry this woman?

[notmarriageminded]

Greetings,

 

I've been meaning to post this somewhere, but I haven't had much luck finding a suitable forum for discussion. I have, at last, decided to post here first with the option of re-posting on other forums if I feel I could benefit from further advice.

 

I have never believed that marriage was particularly necessary for two well-adjusted adults to have a sucessful and fulfilling relationship. I associate it with formaliy, which I eschew whenever possible. It is primarily (at least culturally) a custom of religion, which I detest. Finally, I find all ot its primary benefits (love, companionship, dependability, comfort, stability) achievable outside of marriage.

 

More practically speaking, some would say that I have a lot to lose. I am 29 years old, and have been fortunate enough to start and run two successful small businesses with minimal time expenditure. The business assets are numerous and growing, and I have absolutely no intention of releasing ANY portion (let alone 50%) of them to somebody else simply because our relationship didn't work out. Love changes. Relationships change. People change. It's a fact of life, and one that is often overlooked when deciding to marry the "love of your life." We are a flawed species, and no relationship is immune to collapse. It is because of this that I would insist, without argument or discussion, on a prenuptial agreement.

 

Now to the heart of the matter: the woman. I know, you're thinking "who the hell would tolerate a pompous ass like this?" Well, to my amazement, I have managed to settle down with a spectacular woman who, in my estimation, is as close to perfect for me as I can expect to find anywhere. I don't want to go into gooey details, except to say that she's patient, kind, genuine, physically attractive, and just a tad bit smarter than I am. These are five qualities that I feel are absolutely essential to an apropriate "life mate" again, for me. Other people may desire different things. That is a different discussion. We've lived together for three years, share everything, pay bills, work on the house, and generally behave as if we're married. So, is it really necessary to make it "official?" Official to who? Friends and family? The government? Truthfully, I couldn't give two sh*ts what others think. Most people think small and are more judgmental than they ought to be. Besides, I didn't get where I am at a young age by worrying about the opinions of others. This includes my parents, whose approval means more to me than I'd admit in public.

 

This woman adores me, which is fantastic. Yeah, I know, "she's not there to adore you," and " that's so sexist," and blah blah blah. It is my considered opinion that in order to be properly cared for, one must be properly loved. There is nothing wrong with having an adoring mate. She has said that she wants to be married, but will stay with me if I decide against marriage. She also is indifferent toward prenuptial agreements. She figures we'll be together forever, and if not, she'd never want anything of mine, anyway. Indeed, these concessions are proof that she's pretty much as low maintenance as they come.

 

So, even though I'm ideologically opposed to marriage on some levels, have a contempt for the organizations that encourage and in some cases mandate it, and fear financial ruin should it not work out...should I marry this woman? If it would make her extremely happy, and she doesn't care about signing some documents, and all she really wants to do is be my wife and not change anything else, should I just give her what she wants? It seems like the right thing to do, but I can't shake those feelings that it's simply too much emotional and financial risk.

 

Many thanks for your help.

[norajane]

but I can't shake those feelings that it's simply too much emotional and financial risk.

Then you'll be a crappy husband. Either you're all in, or don't get married.

 

Buy her a beautiful ring and have a commitment ceremony, alone or with your families present, and eschew the legal part of it.

 

If you think she really will stick around without being married.

 

And then there's children. Have you discussed this? Many people get married because they want to have children together. Not that you can't without getting married, but that doesn't mean it won't mean anything to her at that time.

 

The other thing to consider, is in some places, if you're together long enough, you are considered common-law married. So, she may get 50% anyway, marriage license or not.

 

And you specify the emotional risk. What is the emotional risk you are afraid of that marriage brings? Either you are emotionally committed or not. What are you emotionally afraid of here?

Edited May 6, 2010 by norajane

[WalkInThePark]

Djeezes, you really seem to look at marriage as a business contract. I think that a lot of people, especially women, want to get married because it makes the bond between the partners really official. It's also a declaration of intention by which you say that you will - despite all the changes that happen in life - do a serious effort to make it work.

You have been living together with this girl and you think she is great. Well, if you want to keep her in your life, get married.

Now as for your fear of emotional and financial risk, you can perfectly get married with a prenup that stipulates that what is yours remains yours and what is hers remains hers. That is how I would it and I am a woman who happens to have a bit of money and property. As I always say: I can take the risk that my heart will be broken but not that someone breaks my bank account...

 

The think I would definitely not want to do, is to live together and share everything when the partnership is not in one way or another registered. Especially not if there are kids.

 

What I find strange: you stay how close to perfect your mate is. That is a very cool way to describe it. Where is the love? Perfection has nothing to do with it. It's about the feeling of not being able to live without someone. That has to do with a certain number of traits but I think it is the feeling of belonging which is most important.

[notmarriageminded]

Please don't misunderstand me. Of course I am very much in love with this woman. My point is that in many cases, simple love is not enough to stave off disaster. Yes, of course I would work through any problems we had to the utmost of my ability. But then again, I would do this even if we were NOT married.

 

As to the issue of children, I do not believe that parents need to be married to provide a thoroughly solid family unit. I have seen many married parents who treat their children like garbage, and many unmarried parents who have parenting down to a science. It all depends on the people. We have not come to a decision about children yet. She leans toward "yes" and I lean toward "no" but neither of us is immovable on the subject.

 

I live in New York, so common-law marriage is of no consequence.

 

Again, I'm trying to figure out what BENEFITS we would both realize from getting married that we don't have now. Please do not cite taxes or health insurance, because we already have those issues covered adequately. Besides, I do not believe in getting married just to save on a monthly insurance bill...

[notmarriageminded]

@norajane,

 

I don't believe that marriage is necessary to be "all in." I'm already "all in."

 

Also, the emotional risk is more of a concern for her. I am not by nature an emotional person, rather I am driven by logic and pragmatism. Hence the "should I get married" post...

[TaraMaiden]

Djeezes, you really seem to look at marriage as a business contract.

Actually, that's precisely what it is.

Originally a marriage was an arrangement designed to benefit all parties financially and mutually. Religion then got a heads-up as a way of making money, and trying to stem the proclivity men had for taking mistresses. But a marriage - even today - is a legally binding contract. That's why it takes a legal move to dissolve it.

 

I think that a lot of people, especially women, want to get married because it makes the bond between the partners really official. It's also a declaration of intention by which you say that you will - despite all the changes that happen in life - do a serious effort to make it work.

And this is utter baloney, (not what you're saying, but the ideas behind the reasons....) because as the OP states, none of that is necessary when two people commit to one another even without the ceremony and bit of paper.

I've seen more problems begin within couples as a result of their getting married, than through living together....

You have been living together with this girl and you think she is great. Well, if you want to keep her in your life, get married.

but she's already said she'd stay with him, even without getting married.... so why should he do one thing, when she's already declared herself committed to him, whatever happens?

 

Now as for your fear of emotional and financial risk, you can perfectly get married with a prenup that stipulates that what is yours remains yours and what is hers remains hers. That is how I would it and I am a woman who happens to have a bit of money and property. As I always say: I can take the risk that my heart will be broken but not that someone breaks my bank account...

Keep whatever needs to be kept separate, separate. keep whatever needs to be kept united, united. A visit to a good lawyer will tie up this deal without the need to get married.

In other words, you can have a pre-nup - without the nup.

 

The think I would definitely not want to do, is to live together and share everything when the partnership is not in one way or another registered. Especially not if there are kids.

If there are kids, there are other more pressing issues to deal with.

 

What I find strange: you stay how close to perfect your mate is. That is a very cool way to describe it. Where is the love? Perfection has nothing to do with it. It's about the feeling of not being able to live without someone. That has to do with a certain number of traits but I think it is the feeling of belonging which is most important.

the post is absolutely unequivocal and unambiguous in this. The OP makes it quite clear where both their loyalties lie.

 

The only reason the OP might consider it a plus, to get married is if it would affect their taxes in a way that would reduce them and be to their advantage.

Pension rights might also be positively affected, and other financial obligations, like insurance.

Oh, and a civil marriage doesn't have to entail any religious content.

If my partner and I intend to get married we'll have a completely neutral marriage ceremony. God doesn't figure in our lives at all, so there's no point being hypocritical about it.

 

But for any other reason regarding property and business dealings?

See a lawyer, tell him what you want, get an agreement signed and them get on with your lives.

[PrettyinInk]

the benefit is to prove to the woman you love that you want to be with her for the long haul; marriage, is suppose to mean, i want to be with you and only you forever. yes there is divorce, so in some cases it is not "forever", but when two people make the promise to eachother, they are not thinking "one day when we get divorced..." they are thinking "i love you with all my heart, and want to feel this way for everyday for the rest of my life."

breaking up is easy, in comparision to getting a divorce.

 

so the answer is, do it because you love her, and it is important to her. she seems to do a lot of things that are important to you, and treat you pretty well, so what is the harm in doing something soley for her?

[Malenfant]

Again, I'm trying to figure out what BENEFITS we would both realize from getting married that we don't have now. Please do not cite taxes or health insurance, because we already have those issues covered adequately. Besides, I do not believe in getting married just to save on a monthly insurance bill...

 

In this day & age, it isnt necessary to get married in the way society deemed it was years ago.

 

The only real reason to get married is if you want to. its as simple as that.

 

you're trying to use your head to determine what is basically a matter of the heart.

 

if your partner really wanted to get married, and you knew it would make her very happy, then that would be a reason to be considered.

How would the importance of her happiness weigh up against your general adversity to marriage?

 

If you are both happy as you are, for the time being I would say don't worry about it, but never say never.

 

Truly you dont know how you will feel in the years to come, and marriage may become even more abhorrent, or you may mellow towards it.

 

Likewise, your partner may eventually feel like she really wants to, then its time for the 'whats more important' question about her feelings versus your principles?

 

Not all women desperately yearn for marriage, and TBH to want marriage for its sake alone is not a good idea.

 

So I would leave it for now, just live your lives and be happy, and take things as they come.

You're are unsure at this moment, that would indicate that this moment is not the right one to try to make a decision in either direction.

[sally4sara]

I get where you're coming from OP. Marriage IS a legal contract underneath the fluffy romantic notions.

 

I was previously married and it was awful. So when I met my current husband, one of his selling points was that he said he never wanted to get married.

 

Yeah, let that sentence roll around for a second....

 

We were living together, DC allows non married folks to carry their life partner on their insurance, we wanted for nothing in the relationship. And unless a couple collectively makes under $88,000, a married couple is actually penalized - paying more in taxes than they would have separately.

 

It was mostly due to the fact that I had a son from my first marriage. Or at least, that was how the subject initially came up. He had been approached for a job in Barcelona. We were thrilled at the idea of moving there. But while I have full physical and legal custody of my son, it was a concern that my ex might be able to argue that my moving there with my son was unnecessary to do for a mere live in BF.

Well the company with the job offer hit a rough patch and went under. No more reason to worry about the legalities of moving.

 

But what we realized was that we still liked the idea of "wife", "husband", and "family" and the way marriage solidified our commitment. It certainly wasn't necessary, but we wanted to anyway. The day was very low key and it still took my breath away. I get shivers when he whispers "wife" in my ear and holds me close.

 

Don't do it unless it would add to your life and commitment. But don't expect to find logic in the choice, there is little to none found within.

[norajane]

Again, I'm trying to figure out what BENEFITS we would both realize from getting married that we don't have now.

 

They're intangible and emotional and social - that's how your gf sees it. Sorry you have so much trouble with that.

[pureinheart]

Hi NMM,

 

I would say no, it almost sounds like you'd be doing her a favor....trust me it's no favor for either of you.

 

Stick to how you feel and find someone on the same page as you and the same for her...I see no love or happiness in this at all...

 

I hope all works out for you both

[notmarriageminded]

For those who think that I am unhappy or "don't love" this woman, you've completely missed the point. I've already clarified that there are no stressors in my life that are pulling me to this. She's not pressuring me to marry, I just happen to know that she would enjoy marrying me. I like the idea of doing something simply because it will make her happy. But getting married is a MONUMENTAL decision that shouldn't be made lightly, even for somebody who thinks the whole thing is sort of a crock. It's like going to church. You know it's all horse ****, but you sit and stand when you're told because you're playing along. It's the same with me and marriage, EXCEPT it's a legal contract. I don't like signing legal contracts. I don't even have a cell phone contract.

 

Regarding this idea of "true love" and "sharing your committment with the world" and "proving you everlasting love for her" comments, I would tend to agree with TaraMaiden in saying BALONEY. This is the kind of media-driven, bridal magazine, emotional drivel that so many american women have been tricked into buying (at an average cost of $31,000, I might add). I'm not looking for my "true love." I've already found her. I am simply coming at this from the perspoective of a person who has NEVER intended to marry and therefore has NEVER had to consider it with any seriousness.

 

In fact, I would say that my caution and trepidation are qualities that are sorely lacking in today's society when it comes to marriage. Hence the divorce rate.

[norajane]

I just happen to know that she would enjoy marrying me.

 

If she isn't able to help you understand how and why this is important to her, we certainly aren't going to be able to convince you.

[stillafool]

I agree with what Norajane said and this:

 

 

 

In this day & age, it isnt necessary to get married in the way society deemed it was years ago.

 

The only real reason to get married is if you want to. its as simple as that.

 

you're trying to use your head to determine what is basically a matter of the heart.

 

if your partner really wanted to get married, and you knew it would make her very happy, then that would be a reason to be considered.

How would the importance of her happiness weigh up against your general adversity to marriage?

 

If you are both happy as you are, for the time being I would say don't worry about it, but never say never.

 

Truly you dont know how you will feel in the years to come, and marriage may become even more abhorrent, or you may mellow towards it.

 

Likewise, your partner may eventually feel like she really wants to, then its time for the 'whats more important' question about her feelings versus your principles?

 

Not all women desperately yearn for marriage, and TBH to want marriage for its sake alone is not a good idea.

 

So I would leave it for now, just live your lives and be happy, and take things as they come.

You're are unsure at this moment, that would indicate that this moment is not the right one to try to make a decision in either direction.

 

 

 

It seems pretty easy to me.

[burningheart]

I have to say, I feel the same way you do. Once a couple get's married everything changes. It becomes more of an ownership.

You can still give her a ring. Call it a promise ring. and Promise yourself to her.Has anyone every realized that farra facuit (oop's i miss spelled her name) and ryan o'neil were never married and had the longest relatonship in hollywood?

[MichelleZB]

OP, you keep saying that marriage doesn't mean that much to you, but then contradicting yourself by saying that it would be "MONUMENTAL decision". What you're saying is that you are simply not ready yet to tie yourself legally and financially to this woman yet. And that's what marriage is--a legal obligation, one that you feel is currently too risky to make.

 

It's okay not to be ready.

 

Marriage ties your lives together. You inherit each other's stuff; you are responsible for each other's debts. You currently have parents, or siblings, as your next of kin. With a marriage contract, you would legally declare this woman to be your closest relative.

 

Marriage can be a religious thing for some people but it doesn't have to be. I'm an atheist married lady.

 

It looks like this woman isn't putting too much pressure on you, so why don't you just mull it over for another year or two?

[kittykat84]

Hmm well it's been three years right.....I would give it another 2 and see how you feel then ;-)

Around about then I'm sure everyone will be asking when/if you'll get married....If your feelings haven't changed towards marriage by then and hers haven't either then just carry on.

 

If you're starting to get a lot of hints from the girl and you're still feeling neither here nor there, then marry her to make her happy ;-)

 

This is coming from a girl who's been with her partner over 4 years and no sign of a ring on the horizon! I am as ambivalent about the issue as you are...I wouldn't say no if he asked but I'm not that fussed if we don't ever get married - cos it's just a party right?? And a piece of paper. I can take it or leave it!

[Ronni_W]

She's not pressuring me to marry, I just happen to know that she would enjoy marrying me. I like the idea of doing something simply because it will make her happy.

It sounds as if your current view of marriage is that it's just another way that you can please her/make her happy...and be praised and admired, and feel good about yourself, for being such a terrific Mr. "Nice" Guy?

 

Have you considered getting some professional help to get to the bottom of any "people pleasing" tendency? It is a maladaptive "coping" strategy that, in the long run, does no one any good.

 

As pointed out, you do believe and you do know that marriage is a MONUMENTAL decision, not to be taken lightly. Whether or not you agree with the cultural, religious and/or social underpinnings, marriage is still something important to you that evokes your deepest fears and insecurities about your financial and emotional security and well-being. (Something else your therapist can help you work through.)

 

My suggestion would be to work through your fears, insecurities and maladaptive ways LONG BEFORE you consider marriage again. Getting married (or engaged) anytime soon will be the furthest thing from being "nice"...to your lady or yourself.

 

It would be a nice distraction, though, yes? Focus on that so you don't have to look inward, and when it ends in divorce...blame it all on her, and religion, and society at large. After all, you just did it as a favour, to be "nice" -- how could you be held responsible for any potential negative fall-out?

Edited May 7, 2010 by Ronni_W
grammar

[PrettyinInk]

it sounds like your mind is made up, if you believe the love portion of marriage is a bunch of bs and the financial aspects don't appeal to you, then don't get married; you have the blessing of LS... that is wht you were looking for right?

[Mary3]

I don't think you should get married.

 

I think you should get a Pet Fish instead...

[aerogurl87]

Well considering the OP's username is "notmarriageminded" I think that gives us an answer. Don't marry her because apparently you don't want to be married and save both her and yourself the headache of a unhappy marriage and a divorce.

[Mary3]

Well considering the OP's username is "notmarriageminded" I think that gives us an answer. Don't marry her because apparently you don't want to be married and save both her and yourself the headache of a unhappy marriage and a divorce.[/quote]

 

I LOVE this !

[linwood]

You shouldn`t marry anyone.

[sugarmomma]

I wouldn't get married if I were you. You have to believe in the institution of marriage and everything it stands for (love).

[Tayla]

This is one of the few times where I do not agree with Ronnies Summation.

I understand and comprehend, just do not get how that summation was accurate and open to the issue.

 

The Gent made no qualms about being upfront on the hesitation.

 

Dance to the beat of your own drum. You got a good thing going and one rarely spoken in such a respectable way for your mate.

 

People have vast differences for the meaning and reasoning for marriage.

 

Its not my place to recommend or deny such a decision as marriage but will say this, you sound like you have a wonderful relationship! May it enhance you both!