Great. A fight on my birthday.

[pandagirl]

What a way to end an otherwise great birthday day -- a big fight.

 

Basically, he keeps on putting off confirming dates for me to come down and see him. This has been going on for the last two weeks or so, and he keeps on saying he will figure it out, but then doesn't.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to get on the phone and figure it out when I got back home. I called, he was already asleep, and I confronted him about it, which resulted in a big fight. He doesn't see my point of view -- how this makes me feel. His POV is that between moving, traveling, work stress and other life stuff, he hasn't had time to think about when the best time would be for me to come. I say, it takes 10 freaking minute to look up flights, so DO IT.

 

It makes me feel like a low priority in his life, and when I told him this, he was very insulted and angry. I just can't understand why HE JUST WON'T FIGURE THIS OUT.

 

He is consistent in his actions. All of our trips have been planned more last minute than not. I work from home, so my work schedule is pretty much non-existent. He always has to wait to see if he is going to be working on a weekend or what not. ARGHHH!!!!

 

He shows me in many other ways he loves me, but this is really starting to bug me, as I like to PLAN things a little more. Ah, the joys of a LDR.

[aerogurl87]

Aww I'm sorry pandagirl I know that had to be frustrating, ending what's supposed to be a GREAT day with a fight. Maybe he's a procrastinator at heart and you know what they say, you can't change a man if he's already set in his ways.

[CLC2008]

What a way to end an otherwise great birthday day -- a big fight.

 

Basically, he keeps on putting off confirming dates for me to come down and see him. This has been going on for the last two weeks or so, and he keeps on saying he will figure it out, but then doesn't.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to get on the phone and figure it out when I got back home. I called, he was already asleep, and I confronted him about it, which resulted in a big fight. He doesn't see my point of view -- how this makes me feel. His POV is that between moving, traveling, work stress and other life stuff, he hasn't had time to think about when the best time would be for me to come. I say, it takes 10 freaking minute to look up flights, so DO IT.

 

It makes me feel like a low priority in his life, and when I told him this, he was very insulted and angry. I just can't understand why HE JUST WON'T FIGURE THIS OUT.

 

He is consistent in his actions. All of our trips have been planned more last minute than not. I work from home, so my work schedule is pretty much non-existent. He always has to wait to see if he is going to be working on a weekend or what not. ARGHHH!!!!

 

He shows me in many other ways he loves me, but this is really starting to bug me, as I like to PLAN things a little more. Ah, the joys of a LDR.

 

OK well maybe things are a bit hectic right now since he just moved and is settling in.

 

What does he do for work?

 

And happy birthday btw

[pandagirl]

Thanks for the bday wishes!

 

No, his life is definitely hectic right now. I guess, I don't get if he knows this is important to me and it upsets me, why can't he just do it like he says he will?

 

I know it isn't intentional, and his is how he kind of rolls, but there needs to be some compromise.

[Kamille]

Happy B-day Pandagirl!

 

I wish I had wise word of advice but all I can say is: you KNOW I understand where you're coming from.

[pandagirl]

Happy B-day Pandagirl!

 

I wish I had wise word of advice but all I can say is: you KNOW I understand where you're coming from.

 

Thanks! Sidenote: I turned 32. I picked up a package from my landlord that was a bouquet of flowers with a "32" insert in it. She said: "Wait, are you really 32 or is that a joke? I thought you were 25!" YES!!! haha.

 

Anyway, I KNOW you understand. Seriously, I get that they are preoccupied with work and it's stressful, but c'mon -- MAKE ROOM FOR MEEEEEE.

[aerogurl87]

Sorry forgot to mention happy birthday to you, ironically enough today is my ex's birthday and he just texted me to remind me

[2sunny]

nobody can actually MAKE me feel a certain way.

 

most likely you have expectations - to which he isn't living up to. you can either change the expectations - or end it.

 

to ask him to bend to your expectations isn't reasonable if he will constantly disappoint you. he may be doing the best he can - if it's not good enough for YOU - then break it off and find a guy that meets your expectations without this much negative effort.

 

and happy birthday!

[spookie]

I'm thinking you have unreasonable expectations.

 

As you say, your schedule is freeee, while his life is hectic right now; so why not cut him some slack? If you are secure in his feelings for you and the direction of the relationship, personally I don't think this is a big deal.

 

If it's not a dealbreaker, it's probably not worth fighting about.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm thinking you have unreasonable expectations.

 

As you say, your schedule is freeee, while his life is hectic right now; so why not cut him some slack? If you are secure in his feelings for you and the direction of the relationship, personally I don't think this is a big deal.

 

If it's not a dealbreaker, it's probably not worth fighting about.

 

Except she said he's done this before. As in before he was super busy. Im sure he has a spare 5 minutes to sort it out. He probably spends longer than that each time he goes to the bathroom.

 

Apart from that, happy birthday!

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think you are more invested than him and he seems to be backing off. NO matter how busy he is if he was DYING to see you he would have booked the flights already. Sorry, but I feel that is what's at the root of this.

[Els]

Happy birthday!

 

Well, from my own experiences and what I've read here, this seems to be a pretty common problem, especially where men are concerned. I like to plan flights a lot earlier than my SO does, but granted he is a lot busier and has a lot more on his plate than I do. I've seen no less than 3 complaints from people, often in otherwise happy relationships, about this as well. My guess is that in general, the distance seems to hit men less painfully than it does us women, so while they may still love you, they simply have hit the pause button instead of agonizing over the distance and counting down the days to the last visit. Which may actually not be a bad thing.

 

Since this is YOUR flight though, surely you can take more control over it? Instead of leaving it open-ended, say something like 'Flights A, B, and C are good for me (or well-priced, or whatever) - which of them would you prefer?' or 'I'll book flight B tomorrow, is that okay?'.

 

Also, why is it that it's so important for him to book it early? Is there a possibility of him not getting a flight later, or a possibility of prices skyrocketing? How long more is it til the date?

Edited May 6, 2010 by Elswyth

[pandagirl]

Except she said he's done this before. As in before he was super busy. Im sure he has a spare 5 minutes to sort it out. He probably spends longer than that each time he goes to the bathroom.

 

 

Yes, this is the problem! It takes 5-10 min. I'm supposed to see him in the next 2 or 3 weeks, and he knows I want to go back to CA in June to visit my family, so I don't think my expectations of wanting to plan this is unreasonable. I don't want to spent a lot of money on last-minute tickets.

 

The reason I'm upset is because we had a long talk about how this makes me feel, and since then he's said twice, "We'll do this together tomorrow and figure this out." And. He hasn't.

 

 

Since this is YOUR flight though, surely you can take more control over it? Instead of leaving it open-ended, say something like 'Flights A, B, and C are good for me (or well-priced, or whatever) - which of them would you prefer?' or 'I'll book flight B tomorrow, is that okay?'.

 

Also, why is it that it's so important for him to book it early? Is there a possibility of him not getting a flight later, or a possibility of prices skyrocketing? How long more is it til the date?

 

Yes, I've tried that. Sent him flights to see what he thought, and he doesn't respond. And I'm the one who is traveling this time, not him.

 

I think you are more invested than him and he seems to be backing off. NO matter how busy he is if he was DYING to see you he would have booked the flights already. Sorry, but I feel that is what's at the root of this.

 

I see your point, but this is something separate. I mean, if he was backing off, would he have called me five times yesterday for my bday singing Happy Birthday in a different musical genre each time?

 

He has expressed to me how crazy his life is right now with work and moving. I believe him. It's like, he needs things to sort out all the variables in his life before he can feel settled and get to planning this trip. He has some good points: he doesn't know if he'll have to me working certain weekends yet, he won't know if his car will be fixed (it's in another state still) and doesn't want us to be stuck without a car, etc.

[carhill]

LOL, another Taurus. I'm 51 and still mostly sane today. Happy BD, one bull to another.

 

Travel.... plan your own trips and go. Be proactive. Yes, he works. If you're there, you'll get first-hand experience with how he prioritizes work and the woman he could see himself marrying after a month of dating. Regardless, go explore. Never know who you might meet.

[Jilly Bean]

Happy Birthday, PG!

 

It seems like you guys keep fighting every few weeks, and it's the same issue.

 

You're feeling needy, and he's not engaged enough.

 

If he's reluctant to even pin down plans to see you, that's not a good sign, IMO. It seems like he's pretty content with having a GF on paper, one he doesn't have to see too often, and you, as I said on the other thread, want a real relationship with all the bells and whistles that come with seeing someone frequently in person.

 

I still maintain that a LDR is all fantasy, unless it's short-term and you know you will be reunited in short time. He seems happy with having you far away, to the point he's not even very focused on making plans to see you. Is this really worth your investment? Personally, if had a long-distance BF, and he couldn't be bothered to make plans to see me, and was using every excuse available, I'd see the writing on wall and proceed accordingly.

[pandagirl]

LOL, another Taurus. I'm 51 and still mostly sane today. Happy BD, one bull to another.

 

Travel.... plan your own trips and go. Be proactive. Yes, he works. If you're there, you'll get first-hand experience with how he prioritizes work and the woman he could see himself marrying after a month of dating. Regardless, go explore. Never know who you might meet.

 

Haha. I feel like it's pretty obvious i'm a Taurus from my posts. I like security and comfort!

 

People have said dating a young architect is hard, and it's true. When we both lived in NY, he worked a lot also, but all his extra time was spent with me. I did feel important then. Maybe I just feel less important now? Like, I need him to prioritize me more. Or is that unreasonable?

[Els]

Haha. I feel like it's pretty obvious i'm a Taurus from my posts. I like security and comfort!

 

People have said dating a young architect is hard, and it's true. When we both lived in NY, he worked a lot also, but all his extra time was spent with me. I did feel important then. Maybe I just feel less important now? Like, I need him to prioritize me more. Or is that unreasonable?

 

Yes, that's the difficult part of LDRs as well. See, when your partner is around IRL, it's easier to spend more time with them because you can do lots of stuff together. But in an LDR, spending a lot of time with them means spending all that time in front of a computer screen or a phone doing limited activities with them. So generally, time spent together would be less.

 

How long is it to the date? When I asked if there was a possibility of there not being tickets if the booking was done later, I actually meant you and not him. Sorry, got confused.

[pandagirl]

Happy Birthday, PG!

 

It seems like you guys keep fighting every few weeks, and it's the same issue.

 

You're feeling needy, and he's not engaged enough.

 

If he's reluctant to even pin down plans to see you, that's not a good sign, IMO. It seems like he's pretty content with having a GF on paper, one he doesn't have to see too often, and you, as I said on the other thread, want a real relationship with all the bells and whistles that come with seeing someone frequently in person.

 

I still maintain that a LDR is all fantasy, unless it's short-term and you know you will be reunited in short time. He seems happy with having you far away, to the point he's not even very focused on making plans to see you. Is this really worth your investment? Personally, if had a long-distance BF, and he couldn't be bothered to make plans to see me, and was using every excuse available, I'd see the writing on wall and proceed accordingly.

 

I see what you mean. It's hard because as I said in my last post, he does do things daily that shows me he cares. Then with some other things, like this traveling issue, he isn't as present as I want him to be.

 

He's not focused on seeing me, and this is what the fight was about. He said he really needs me to be more understanding of his living situation right now, that things are super stressful with having a new job, working a lot, figuring out how to pay off grad school loans, traveling for family stuff and moving two times in two months. It's like he has to get through all this crap, before he can start thinking about "fun." My life is completely the opposite. I work from home and I'm my own boss.

 

I'm trying to see both sides. I think I am justified in my feelings 100%. However knowing him and his general demeanor, this fits into his pattern of behavior, so it's not some *sign* of him not being into me. He's still the same person I met: not very romantic, a workaholic, pragmatic and non-emotional. BUT it is a sign that we have different ways of dealing with things and understanding each other, which is where the problem results.

 

I just want to figure out how to understand each other and resolve the issue.

[Jilly Bean]

I just want to figure out how to understand each other and resolve the issue.

 

 

How do you resolve the fact that you want to see him, and he's not very interested? Personally, I wouldn't put that much effort into trying to understand or resolve anything with someone who was so lukewarm about me.

 

And I'd caution you to not continue to sublimate your own needs, PG. Why is this "relationship" so important for you to cling to, even though it doesn't fulfill you or meet your needs?

[pandagirl]

How do you resolve the fact that you want to see him, and he's not very interested? Personally, I wouldn't put that much effort into trying to understand or resolve anything with someone who was so lukewarm about me.

 

And I'd caution you to not continue to sublimate your own needs, PG. Why is this "relationship" so important for you to cling to, even though it doesn't fulfill you or meet your needs?

 

I don't think it's as black and white as that, though I understand what you're saying. Part of our talk last night was he hates that I correlate his actions with him not caring, and he says this is absolutely not true and that it really bothers him. He said: "I call you three times a day! How can you think I don't care about you!" Fine, he does do that, but it isn't everything.

 

I'm not clinging to this relationship, and obviously, I don't post on here about all the great things he does. LDRs are hard. This is the first argument we've had that is based on a fundamental way of viewing things. If I continue to see this as a pattern, then maybe this relationship isn't the best one for me. But all relationships, LDR or not, have these problems, so I need to see if we can communicate and work it out first, before I jump to conclusions.

[Kamille]

Oh the irony! I've been meaning this whole morning to post on this thread, but haven't had time yet because... I'm right smack in the middle of packing for my upcoming move . So, let's just say that R-i-i-i-g-h-t now I can sympathize with him.

 

And I can sympathize with him on more than one level. Just this morning my mom asked me to tell her when would be a great time for my parents to come and visit me and guess what my reply was. 'Mom, this week I'm overworked and swamped in details because of the move. The thought of adding just one more makes me feel overwhelmed. Can we talk about this once I've setteld in?' Guess what, she was somewhat offended because in her mind 'it only takes 5 minutes'.

 

Yes, it only takes 5 minutes, just like everything else I have to do right now only takes 5 minutes. So, it's not the amount of time it takes, just the list of 'only 5 minutes' tasks already on my list.

 

So why do you want him to book it now PG? It sounds like it's because you would perceive it as proof of love more then for any reason. But, I'm guessing that since he knows he will eventually no doubt book the ticket, there's no reason to panic right now.

 

If he's feeling like me, he's likely tired and would rather spend whatever down time not dealing with bureaucratic details. Give him the time he needs - he'll get back to you.

Edited May 6, 2010 by Kamille

[pandagirl]

Oh the irony! I've been meaning this whole morning to post on this thread, but haven't had time yet because... I'm right smack in the middle of packing for my upcoming move . So, let's just say that R-i-i-i-g-h-t now I can sympathize with him.

 

And I can sympathize with him on more than one level. Just this morning my mom asked me to tell her when would be a great time for my parents to come and visit me and guess what my reply was. 'Mom, this week I'm overworked and swamped in details because of the move. The thought of adding just one more makes me feel overwhelmed. Can we talk about this once I've setteld in?' Guess what, she was somewhat offended because in her mind 'it only takes 5 minutes'.

 

Yes, it only takes 5 minutes, just like everything else I have to do right now only takes 5 minutes. So, it's not the amount of time it takes, just the list of 'only 5 minutes' tasks already on my list.

 

So why do you want him to book it now PG? It sounds like it's because you would perceive it as proof of love more then for any reason. But, I'm guessing that since he knows he will eventually no doubt book the ticket, there's no reason to panic right now.

 

If he's feeling like me, he's likely tired and would rather spend whatever down time not dealing with bureaucratic details. Give him the time he needs - he'll get back to you.

 

That's hilarious, K. Your, "Yes, it only takes 5 minutes, just like everything else I have to do right now only takes 5 minutes. So, it's not the amount of time it takes, just the list of 'only 5 minutes' tasks already on my list," is basically the same explanation he gave.

 

Well, it's my turn to travel, so I am booking the tickets to go down there. I am waiting for him to give me the OK to buy them, because he still doesn't what the "best time" is for me to come, because he has to figure out "everything else" out.

[Kamille]

That's hilarious, K. Your, "Yes, it only takes 5 minutes, just like everything else I have to do right now only takes 5 minutes. So, it's not the amount of time it takes, just the list of 'only 5 minutes' tasks already on my list," is basically the same explanation he gave.

 

It's almost like my brain currently cannot think that far ahead. My brain turned to jello when she asked me to look into dates because looking into "dates" is a level of detail I can't handle right now (it involves me looking at my dayplanner, trying to imagine the next few weeks (figure out everything else), make sure I have everything figures out at the new job, etc etc. It's hard to explain I think.

 

Well, it's my turn to travel, so I am booking the tickets to go down there. I am waiting for him to give me the OK to buy them, because he still doesn't what the "best time" is for me to come, because he has to figure out "everything else".

 

Ok, I get it a bit better - so there is a potential cost issue (is it a plane ticket?). But, at the same time, couldn't you simply suggest him some dates? "Hey honey, the 18th of May would work great for me... Could that work for you?"

[Jilly Bean]

This is the first argument we've had that is based on a fundamental way of viewing things. If I continue to see this as a pattern, then maybe this relationship isn't the best one for me. But all relationships, LDR or not, have these problems, so I need to see if we can communicate and work it out first, before I jump to conclusions.

 

Wasn't the last fight about him not calling you? It seems to be the same trend. You want/need more attention/time, and he feels what he does is enough.

 

I dunno, PG. I just wouldn't bother to "fight" with someone about trying to get him to commit to seeing me. People prioritize what's important, so I think his excuses are just that. Excuses. Nothing keeps an interested man away from a woman.

 

I don't think healthy relationships have this problem at all. It's not like you're not seeing each other because schedules don't match up, which is understood. He's just not even bothering to make an effort. You sent him flights, he ignored it. You told him you were upset, he said he'd do it tomorrow, then blew you off.

 

When guys do this, then continue to tell you they're "super busy", I think the reality is clear, no?

[zebracolors]

Wasn't the last fight about him not calling you? It seems to be the same trend. You want/need more attention/time, and he feels what he does is enough.

 

I dunno, PG. I just wouldn't bother to "fight" with someone about trying to get him to commit to seeing me. People prioritize what's important, so I think his excuses are just that. Excuses. Nothing keeps an interested man away from a woman.

 

I don't think healthy relationships have this problem at all. It's not like you're not seeing each other because schedules don't match up, which is understood. He's just not even bothering to make an effort. You sent him flights, he ignored it. You told him you were upset, he said he'd do it tomorrow, then blew you off.

 

When guys do this, then continue to tell you they're "super busy", I think the reality is clear, no?

 

I agree with Jilly. And I can relate to you in some ways PG, but it sounds like this is not the first time he's done this kind of thing. All you can do is just figure out how much more of this you are willing to put up with. But be honest most of all with yourself.

 

I'm sure you've come to love him a great deal, and from what you say, he does show you he loves you. However, just don't make excuses to yourself to tell yourself that you're still happy in the relationship. Now if you are willing to endure this from him because you really do love him, thats wonderful. Just don't let it bother you because you know his situation better then any of us.