Great. A fight on my birthday.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I agree with Jilly 100%. Soon enough it will be clear to you too PG. Look at the LD couple that are crazy about each other (Pyro and CE). I am absolutely sure that they don't have that problem and have sorted out the dates like 3 months in advance because they miss each other so much that they can't wait to be together.

 

At the very least, he is not missing you as much as you are missing him.

[BWLoca]

I'm trying to see both sides. I think I am justified in my feelings 100%. However knowing him and his general demeanor, this fits into his pattern of behavior, so it's not some *sign* of him not being into me. He's still the same person I met: not very romantic, a workaholic, pragmatic and non-emotional. BUT it is a sign that we have different ways of dealing with things and understanding each other, which is where the problem results.

 

I just want to figure out how to understand each other and resolve the issue.

 

Sounds like there may be a compatibility issue to me. Really, do you think you can handle this in the future? You seem to be someone who likes/needs a lot of attention ( I do as well), and in addition to being a workaholic, he's also unemotional and unromantic?

 

I don't know if this is a sign of his not being that into you. My ex was the same way, and while I do think he was, we were just very different.

[Els]

I agree with Jilly 100%. Soon enough it will be clear to you too PG. Look at the LD couple that are crazy about each other (Pyro and CE). I am absolutely sure that they don't have that problem and have sorted out the dates like 3 months in advance because they miss each other so much that they can't wait to be together.

 

At the very least, he is not missing you as much as you are missing him.

 

While I agree with the possible compatibility issue, I really must beg to differ here.

 

Comparing your SO to another's is a surefire way of destroying your relationship, any relationship. No matter how good your SO is, there will always be someone who has him beat flat in a certain aspect. Especially if that aspect is one that is less than satisfactory (which is the reason you're posting about it here). Think of your SO's worst quality. Then see if you can think of any other couple who have things better in THAT particular aspect. I bet you at least a couple of names will come to mind. If nothing strikes, you either haven't been together long enough or don't know enough couples.

 

If PG is unhappy with the way things are she should definitely leave, but NOT because 'Pyro doesn't treat CE that way' or 'CE doesn't treat pyro that way'. People are different, circumstances are different, and ultimately their relationship is different.

[Kamille]

If PG is unhappy with the way things are she should definitely leave, but NOT because 'Pyro doesn't treat CE that way' or 'CE doesn't treat pyro that way'. People are different, circumstances are different, and ultimately their relationship is different.

 

Great point!

[pandagirl]

I know he is "into me." I'm not really worried about that. People do not really know the dynamic of our relationship and what it consists of.

 

And, yes, I did freak out over that one time he didn't call me back, but wasn't that the same thread where everyone told me I was over-reacting and crazy?

 

I'm more worried about our communication and how we resolve things. I don't really get this "x must equal y" sort of mentality. Yes, if the next time we plan a trip this happens again, I will probably be more pessimistic about things, but hopefully we can learn from this experience and handle the situation better next time.

 

Am I crazy for thinking that?

[electricity]

I don't think it's as black and white as that, though I understand what you're saying. Part of our talk last night was he hates that I correlate his actions with him not caring, and he says this is absolutely not true and that it really bothers him. He said: "I call you three times a day! How can you think I don't care about you!" Fine, he does do that, but it isn't everything.

 

I'm confused. If he calls you three times a day, why don't you look at flights together during one of those calls?

[shadowplay]

I think you are more invested than him and he seems to be backing off. NO matter how busy he is if he was DYING to see you he would have booked the flights already. Sorry, but I feel that is what's at the root of this.

 

Yeah, I'm unfortunately getting the same vibe. I think he was more invested than Panda initially, but the dynamics have shifted gradually since he moved. Maybe he's partly put off by Panda's reactivity. I'm not criticizing you, P. I think your complaint is legit. I understand where you're coming from, and I'd probably be doing the same.

 

But you have to address your needs in a way that couldn't be construed as "nagging" or "demanding." Guys recoil when a woman acts like that, even if her gripes are totally valid.

 

I think the bigger portion of it is just him. He came on REALLY strong from the beginning, which may be a red flag that his feelings don't tend to run very deep and fizzle out once he's in a committed relationship. Not saying this necessarily the case, but keep it in mind.

 

Happy Birthday, btw! I hope you feel better.

Edited May 6, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

First, Happy (Belated) Birthday!

 

Happy Birthday, PG!

 

It seems like you guys keep fighting every few weeks, and it's the same issue.

 

You're feeling needy, and he's not engaged enough.

 

If he's reluctant to even pin down plans to see you, that's not a good sign, IMO. It seems like he's pretty content with having a GF on paper, one he doesn't have to see too often, and you, as I said on the other thread, want a real relationship with all the bells and whistles that come with seeing someone frequently in person.

 

I still maintain that a LDR is all fantasy, unless it's short-term and you know you will be reunited in short time. He seems happy with having you far away, to the point he's not even very focused on making plans to see you. Is this really worth your investment? Personally, if had a long-distance BF, and he couldn't be bothered to make plans to see me, and was using every excuse available, I'd see the writing on wall and proceed accordingly.

 

Wasn't the last fight about him not calling you? It seems to be the same trend. You want/need more attention/time, and he feels what he does is enough.

 

I dunno, PG. I just wouldn't bother to "fight" with someone about trying to get him to commit to seeing me. People prioritize what's important, so I think his excuses are just that. Excuses. Nothing keeps an interested man away from a woman.

 

I don't think healthy relationships have this problem at all. It's not like you're not seeing each other because schedules don't match up, which is understood. He's just not even bothering to make an effort. You sent him flights, he ignored it. You told him you were upset, he said he'd do it tomorrow, then blew you off.

 

When guys do this, then continue to tell you they're "super busy", I think the reality is clear, no?

 

I really have to agree with Jilly, on all points.

 

Most of us strangers on LS are taking more time with you to figure your sh*t out, that has nothing to do with us personally, than your own BF is. Doesn't that tell you something??

 

 

Haha. I feel like it's pretty obvious i'm a Taurus from my posts. I like security and comfort!

 

Obvious to me - Taurus here too! Happy Birthdays to us!!

[shadowplay]

I agree with Jilly 100%. Soon enough it will be clear to you too PG. Look at the LD couple that are crazy about each other (Pyro and CE). I am absolutely sure that they don't have that problem and have sorted out the dates like 3 months in advance because they miss each other so much that they can't wait to be together.

 

At the very least, he is not missing you as much as you are missing him.

 

Add me on as a cosigner.

 

You seem to be in denial a lot of the time, which I think is part of the reason you experience so much inner turmoil (trying to hold two opposing feelings at once leads to anxiety). I notice that when people point out to you possible red flags in your relationship or give you constructive criticism, you get extremely defensive. This suggests to me that you know the way things are deep down, but you're not willing to accept it on a conscious level.

 

I think if you do some soul-searching you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs and maybe he isn't as invested as you'd like. This is hard to accept, but better now than later.

[2sunny]

I know he is "into me." I'm not really worried about that. People do not really know the dynamic of our relationship and what it consists of.

 

And, yes, I did freak out over that one time he didn't call me back, but wasn't that the same thread where everyone told me I was over-reacting and crazy?

 

I'm more worried about our communication and how we resolve things. I don't really get this "x must equal y" sort of mentality. Yes, if the next time we plan a trip this happens again, I will probably be more pessimistic about things, but hopefully we can learn from this experience and handle the situation better next time.

 

Am I crazy for thinking that?

 

yes. his actions don't equal his words.

[Star Gazer]

Add me on as a cosigner.

 

You seem to be in denial a lot of the time, which I think is part of the reason you experience so much inner turmoil (trying to hold two opposing feelings at once leads to anxiety). I notice that when people point out to you possible red flags in your relationship or give you constructive criticism, you get extremely defensive. This suggests to me that you know the way things are deep down, but you're not willing to accept it on a conscious level.

 

I think if you do some soul-searching you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs and maybe he isn't as invested as you'd like. This is hard to accept, but better now than later.

 

Shadow's giving you the exact thing I'd wish I'd heard when my ex moved away. I really think it's spot on, unfortunately. But yes, better to accept now than later.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I just don't think that PG is ready to face the reality just yet.

 

Elswyth, I feel that you are giving PG the advice your giving because you are in a long distance relationship with dynamic that is pretty similar to what PG described. I would also give the same advice to you - your SO is not as invested as he once was, and certainly not as invested as you are but you are trying to pass this off as depression and incompatibility. But I digress.

 

Sure, two couples are never the same etc etc but comparing two couples that are in similar situation i.e. LDR can sometimes help pinpoint the unhealthy dynamic. That is why sub-forums on LS are created, so that couples in similar situations can give advice based on personal expereince.

[RobM]

I guess I don't understand why you can't just book your ticket and show up, why does he have to do it, if you're that stressed over it, just do it.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I guess I don't understand why you can't just book your ticket and show up, why does he have to do it, if you're that stressed over it, just do it.

 

Bacause he won't tell her what dates suit him. From what I understand he just has to approve the dates (which is really a 30 second job and not even a 5 minute one).

[RobM]

Bacause he won't tell her what dates suit him. From what I understand he just has to approve the dates (which is really a 30 second job and not even a 5 minute one).

 

Ok, so next time he calls, give him a choice, pick a date right now or I'm not coming. It sounds like you're just frustrated because he doesn't act like you wish he would and I'm not sure you're going to be able to change him.

Edited May 7, 2010 by RobM

[Jilly Bean]

You seem to be in denial a lot of the time, which I think is part of the reason you experience so much inner turmoil (trying to hold two opposing feelings at once leads to anxiety). I notice that when people point out to you possible red flags in your relationship or give you constructive criticism, you get extremely defensive. This suggests to me that you know the way things are deep down, but you're not willing to accept it on a conscious level.

 

I think if you do some soul-searching you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs and maybe he isn't as invested as you'd like. This is hard to accept, but better now than later.

 

Sad, but probably very true.

 

I know he is "into me." I'm not really worried about that.

 

 

And, yes, I did freak out over that one time he didn't call me back, but wasn't that the same thread where everyone told me I was over-reacting and crazy?

 

But, you *should* be worried about that, PG. Because if he was that into you, he would be jumping to make plans. As it is, you've reported you've tried numerous times to pin him down and commit to plans, and he keeps blowing you off. That's not the actions of a guy who's into you.

 

You over-reacted not by being upset he didn't call when he said he would (that's a fair peeve many people would have!), but when you stalked him by calling/texting repeatedly, and then reaming him out. Your reaction was over the top, but your reasons for being tweaked were relatively justified.

[Citizen Erased]

I agree with Jilly 100%. Soon enough it will be clear to you too PG. Look at the LD couple that are crazy about each other (Pyro and CE). I am absolutely sure that they don't have that problem and have sorted out the dates like 3 months in advance because they miss each other so much that they can't wait to be together.

 

At the very least, he is not missing you as much as you are missing him.

 

I agree on the last part. If Pyro was like that with me, so hesitant about making time for me...well I wouldn't be putting much effort in either.

 

I just moved and changed jobs, at no point would I have been too busy to make a time to see him. Crappy excuse IMO.

[pandagirl]

Add me on as a cosigner.

 

You seem to be in denial a lot of the time, which I think is part of the reason you experience so much inner turmoil (trying to hold two opposing feelings at once leads to anxiety). I notice that when people point out to you possible red flags in your relationship or give you constructive criticism, you get extremely defensive. This suggests to me that you know the way things are deep down, but you're not willing to accept it on a conscious level.

 

I think if you do some soul-searching you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't meeting your needs and maybe he isn't as invested as you'd like. This is hard to accept, but better now than later.

 

I know myself pretty well, and denial is not something I do. I don't experience really any inner turmoil, unless I am in a depressive phase or if it's about career stuff. Of course, by saying this, I do seem defensive, but I'm actually a person who is very self-aware, and have dealt with past issues head-on.

 

I do agree that perhaps my needs aren't being met 100% though. I will take all the advice that has been given here and think about everything.

[threebyfate]

Happy Birthday pandagirl!

 

Try this. Don't make any plans to see him. See how long it takes before he asks why you're not making plans. If he never asks within a reasonable time limit, you have your answer. If he asks, tell him to give you his schedule and you'll try to fit him into your busy life.

[pandagirl]

Happy Birthday pandagirl!

 

Try this. Don't make any plans to see him. See how long it takes before he asks why you're not making plans. If he never asks within a reasonable time limit, you have your answer. If he asks, tell him to give you his schedule and you'll try to fit him into your busy life.

 

Thanks, Mama-to-be!

 

I am not making plans, or even bringing it up anymore. Tonight he called me and was like: "When you come here, I'll take you here and we'll do this and that and meet this person..." I didn't say anything, I was just like, "Cool."

 

Speak of the devil, he just called again to "just hear my voice." He's been extra sweet to me all day, probably because of last night. It doesn't impress me. haha.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Happy Birthday pandagirl!

 

Try this. Don't make any plans to see him. See how long it takes before he asks why you're not making plans. If he never asks within a reasonable time limit, you have your answer. If he asks, tell him to give you his schedule and you'll try to fit him into your busy life.

 

This is a good strategy. I would follow this advice.

[Els]

I just don't think that PG is ready to face the reality just yet.

 

Elswyth, I feel that you are giving PG the advice your giving because you are in a long distance relationship with dynamic that is pretty similar to what PG described. I would also give the same advice to you - your SO is not as invested as he once was, and certainly not as invested as you are but you are trying to pass this off as depression and incompatibility. But I digress.

 

Sure, two couples are never the same etc etc but comparing two couples that are in similar situation i.e. LDR can sometimes help pinpoint the unhealthy dynamic. That is why sub-forums on LS are created, so that couples in similar situations can give advice based on personal expereince.

 

To be honest, I believe my R and PG's are not really alike, for reasons that I will not go into detail here so as not to derail the thread. Frankly, though, my opinion is that if you interpret every singular event as a 'sign that he isn't into you', you will only ever be able to sustain a R with someone who has a perfect life. BF doesn't feel like having sex - he isn't into you. Hubby wants to go out with his friends tonight instead of going out with you - he isn't into you. Bf has been quiet for a couple of days - he isn't into you. REALLY?

 

I could understand if there was a repetitive trend, but in the end the only person who can judge whether the actions speak of problems in your SO's own life, or whether they truly show that he isn't into you, is YOU. And in this case, the 'you' would be PG. There are too many things that outsiders do not know about. Let's use my case as an example. What you do know is the trouble that I tell you about. What you do not know is that my SO is using almost all his savings to finance my move to be with him for 6 months because both he and I know that there is no guarantee I will get a job there during the winter of the highest unemployment his small city has ever seen. And he is nowhere NEAR rich, 6th year med interns who aren't permanent residents in his country earn NOTHING, his savings are in our home country's currency, which is several times less. After coming home from work at 11pm he sometimes still cooks because he wants to save on food prices. When I make the decision whether or not to stay in my R, I consider all of these points, both the good and the bad - many of which you know nothing about, because it would take a small novel to list all of them.

 

But I digress. Point being, even if you make the fallacious assumption that PG's R and mine is similar, I have not once told her that she should stay in hers because I remain in mine. My only point is that she should make her decision based on her overall happiness with her R and NOT because 'someone else has it better'. Because someone else will ALWAYS have it better. CE and Pyro will have their own troubles in time, when their R progresses, and if they ever do post here asking for help I would tell them the same thing.

Edited May 7, 2010 by Elswyth

[Citizen Erased]

The thing about me and Pyro is that neither of us would put the other off about spending time together. The most important part of this rather crappy situation, actually being with each other. And if I had a problem I could go to him without him making lame excuses and starting a fight with me on my birthday.

 

I wouldn't dare to make assumptions about her relationship as a whole, and certainly not in comparison to mine, but if I were in her shoes I would be both upset and pissed off at his lack of care for her feelings and him displaying a lack of interest in seeing her. And that's what this comes across as. And not just this time either, this isn't a one time thing.

 

I guess PG what you really have to do is sit down and decide if him being like this is something you can live with.

 

And for the record, I don't think anyone has it better than me and Pyro. But once things progress I guess we will see if that stays the same.

[Els]

I wouldn't dare to make assumptions about her relationship as a whole, and certainly not in comparison to mine, but if I were in her shoes I would be both upset and pissed off at his lack of care for her feelings and him displaying a lack of interest in seeing her. And that's what this comes across as. And not just this time either, this isn't a one time thing.

I guess PG what you really have to do is sit down and decide if him being like this is something you can live with.

 

Yes, this is very true! Thing is, PG hasn't told us how SOON the dates are (or I missed it if she did?). If they are, say, a month from now and he estimates he will be freer in a week's time, and it isn't peak season so it's highly unlikely tickets will be sold out, he may be procrastinating because of that. He may want to see her, but he may think that he'll have plenty of time to look at the dates later. Of course, there IS also the possibility that he really isn't interested in seeing her. Only she will know.

 

And for the record, I don't think anyone has it better than me and Pyro. But once things progress I guess we will see if that stays the same.

 

You should enjoy this time while it lasts! Seriously though, I don't know anyone in a relationship of more than a year who hasn't thought that her friend's or sister's or whatever's bf is better in a certain aspect than her own, although certainly not as a whole. Assuming they can look at things objectively, of course.

[shadowplay]

 

 

 

You should enjoy this time while it lasts!

 

Heh.

 

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