Great. A fight on my birthday.

[pandagirl]

So he's embarrassed by his living conditions and doesn't have the money to improve on them before you show up.

 

If you're determined to make this work pandagirl, you're going to have to take his pride into account.

 

Either give him time to improve on those conditions by giving him another month to try to get it together which should help to alleviate his stress level or let him know none of that matters, as long as you get to see him.

 

Pressuring someone who's not ready for your visit can be deadly to a relationship. BTDT but I was the one being pressured, albeit money wasn't the problem. It did not end well.

 

Well, his living conditions are fine -- he lives in a nice hotel room, because it's his job to renovate the building. It's more he's very unsettled and needs time to decompress from all the life changes. But you make a good point. In the last couple of weeks, I've really been trying to make more of an effort to understand what his life is like right now. I do understand his POV, but I guess I've been feeling, as his girlfriend, I should somehow rise above everything else.

 

But yes, I think his ego is a bit fragile right now. Today he had to take the bus to the laundromat to do laundry, and he was like: "Ugh, once I have car, this won't be as painful." He makes decent money, but he is paying off grad school loans, and his father does very well for himself, so I think that puts the pressure on him, too.

 

This just stood out to me. He feels he is trying his best and that he truly cares for you, but this is not enough for you and is not meeting your needs as you're obviously not happy. This would be the breaking-point. Either he changes and adjusts to your expectations or you accept that this will not happen and that this is the way it is. Something has got to change. Not? You break it off or maybe he'll get fed up and do so.

 

I was unhappy when my LDR SO wouldn't call. 3x a day would be amazing to me, even a tad bit too much. But he wouldn't change and I wasn't happy. So that was our breaking-point and that ended it. I'm learning that my happiness comes from within me.

 

He really does put in effort, and he has changed to accommodate my needs in many ways, which makes me think: have I been selfish and not accommodating to his needs? Which, in this particular case, is to give him some space in order to figure things out? I was asking him every other day to plan this trip, and it started to stress him out. And then it almost became associated as a stressful thing, instead of fun.

 

I know he cares about me. And I know he does want to see me. I am comfortable in knowing these things. I'm realizing that the fight we had is based on the thought: "If you really loved me, you would do this," which isn't very fair or mature. Almost like a test I set up.

 

When it's all said and done, we'll see what happens. I've got my own back, so I'll be fine no matter what. I can handle whatever comes. But, I've gotten some good advice here, so thanks y'all.

[Els]

So he's embarrassed by his living conditions and doesn't have the money to improve on them before you show up.

 

If you're determined to make this work pandagirl, you're going to have to take his pride into account.

 

Either give him time to improve on those conditions by giving him another month to try to get it together which should help to alleviate his stress level or let him know none of that matters, as long as you get to see him.

 

Pressuring someone who's not ready for your visit can be deadly to a relationship. BTDT but I was the one being pressured, albeit money wasn't the problem. It did not end well.

 

I think this is great advice. While it's probably easier said than done, what I would ideally try to do in your place is just tell him, "I understand the problems you're having now, so maybe you can let me know when you've an idea for when a good time for the visit would be. However, it has to be within such and such a timeframe otherwise I won't be able to make it."

 

I think a large issue here, though, is the fact that he just kept saying he would do it until things came to a head, and then FINALLY he explained his true difficulties to you. This difference in communication styles may bring some future problems unless you find a way to resolve it, IMO.

[pandagirl]

I think this is great advice. While it's probably easier said than done, what I would ideally try to do in your place is just tell him, "I understand the problems you're having now, so maybe you can let me know when you've an idea for when a good time for the visit would be. However, it has to be within such and such a timeframe otherwise I won't be able to make it."

 

I think a large issue here, though, is the fact that he just kept saying he would do it until things came to a head, and then FINALLY he explained his true difficulties to you. This difference in communication styles may bring some future problems unless you find a way to resolve it, IMO.

 

I pretty much said that already. It's only been a few days since we last has a discussion about it, so I'm going to give it a little more time.

 

I just talked to him earlier today. He said: "It's funny how much more I miss you when I'm relaxed, and not stressed out with a million things. When I have a moment to myself, I'm always like, 'I wish Panda was here.'"

 

Hopefully, we'll figure this out soon and the next time will be smoother sailing.

[Els]

Great. Hope you guys get it sorted out.