somebody clear my head plz!

[yes]

here's a circle i think i've been walking for a long time, perhaps somebody can kick me out of it? i see a lot of faulty statements in it, but i don't see WHY they're faulty well enough to discard them.

 

if a man is seriously pursuing me, he must think i'm amazing, etc - i'm going to use cool as a loose term of greatness.

now, i know many women who i find more amazing than myself (not to say that i don't think i'm cool, but there're cooler!). so in my mind, the man either

1- has "issues" that make him choose me over these "cooler" women, or

2- can't get any of these "cooler" women, hence settles for me, or

3- doesn't see these women as "cooler", i.e. sees me as "the coolest"

 

none of the three options sound good - i don't want a man with issues, nor a man who's "settling" for me, nor somebody who needs glasses (metaphorically, i'm not boiling it down to looks, certainly). so it comes down to - if a man is pursuing me, i don't want him!

 

now, i know the first major fault is the whole idea of comparing people. but in this culture, i doubt it's possible to shake that off - there simply are people who're smarter and kinder and better looking and etc than i am - i think accepting that is a necessity.

 

the second major fault is assuming that people love those who they deem to be the "coolest" - i'm not sure about this, it seems at least initial stages of love imply an irrational fondness of the object ... i dunna, this point is a dark corner for me.

 

so - help!! =) the above reasoning works in reverse for men who want me as the other woman, or as his 5th girl, or some other unhealthy arrangement - these are the men i end up wanting! (not solely b/c of this, there're other factors, but anyway...)

 

thanks,

-yes

[moimeme]

You wouldn't belong to a club who would have you as a member, right?

This sounds like it relates to your own self-esteem. Basically, you have no respect for someone stupid enough to like you. Until you like yourself and welcome others to the club with you, you'll continue to feel the same way.

[yes]

moimeme, you understood me perfectly well, but - i don't think liking myself means thinking i'm better than everyone else. i think i do like myself, but also realize that i ain't THE best. so the above reasoning stands.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

But, yes, there is no 'best'. Every decision of what is 'best' is equally valid, is it not? Or is yours the only valid such assessment on the planet? And it is arrogant of you to decide for someone else what he may or may not consider to be the 'best'!!! Or to fail to accord him respect for it. Ever think of it that way?

[yes]

Ever think of it that way?

 

no

 

i guess it's a good idea to just dismiss thinking about WHY he's pursuing (except for ruling out unhealthy cases!) and let the guy decide. hmm hmm. head slowly clearing up, merci

 

-yes

[moimeme]

let the guy decide.

 

Nice of you to be so generous

[yes]

yeah, i was stuck in one perspective, but yours is shaking me out of it.

 

-yes

[Marty_McFly]

I'll add a fourth possibility to your list.

 

4. He recognizes you're not the "coolest," but sees the things that prevent you from being the coolest as things he can "help" you with, which fulfills a desire inside him to be wanted/needed for things that he can provide.

 

I think most humans inherently want to help others, or at least want to feel like they have attributes or talents that are desired or needed by others. As such, if a man feels he can help you complete yourself, it would help fulfill his natural desire to feel useful.

 

I see lots of "eye candy" all the time that I'm not attracted to emotionally, because I feel like I could bring nothing to the table in the relationship. That's not something that I would find fulfilling.

 

I think all of this applies to both the male and female. But I'm male so I'm biased. What do you think?

[yes]

i think there're definitely girls out there w/ that mindset -- he's almost perfect, just needs a lil help from me!

 

but my mindset is that people don't change much, and surely it's upto them to change, not upto me to change them - so if i naturally bring out smth in someone - cool, but i can't do it intentionally. so i guess my version of your #4 would be:

 

doesn't see me as "the coolest", but thinks he can bring out aspects of me that will make me "the coolest".

 

smth like that. people are more selfish though, so more likely it'd be a

 

doesn't see me as "the coolest" but thinks i can bring out aspects of him that'll make him complete

 

 

thanks for your input,

-yes

[moimeme]

He recognizes you're not the "coolest," but sees the things that prevent you from being the coolest as things he can "help" you with, which fulfills a desire inside him to be wanted/needed for things that he can provide

 

Ew!

 

As such, if a man feels he can help you complete yourself, it would help fulfill his natural desire to feel useful.

 

I hope to God that most men aren't out looking for 'fixer-uppers'!!! Then what? You find your 'not coold enough' person, work your magic to make her 'cool' and then when she is - this means you're not needed? I guess then you sell that one off and get another fixer-upper!

 

Truly, Marty, I think you have a slightly off-base idea of what finding someone to love is about. It's not a science project or a new version of Pygmalion! You can be loved and desired for your attributes and talents without having to wield them upon the object of your love.

[Marty_McFly]

It's not about "fixing" someone, it's about someone having a need you can fulfill. A real basic example is if the guy is good at numbers, and the girl totally isn't, so the guy is the one who keeps the checkbook balanced every month. Of course, I'm really talking about all the levels of human emotional and physical need that can fulfilled, I'm just not very good at articulating those things so I use a basic example.

 

People want to feel wanted and needed. So the different character traits should be complementary to each other. I'm also not talking about an extreme case of being with someone who's needy (although that does work for some people), I'm just talking about how it's important to find someone who has certain needs or desires that only you can fulfill.

[yes]

there's a big difference between fixing somebody vs. thinking you can be of help in their areas of weakness (teaching them math vs. balancing the chequebook for them).

 

in the latter case brings out that nobody wants someone "perfect" - because that means not feeling needed. hmm, sounds true enough.

 

-yes

[Arabess]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

I hope to God that most men aren't out looking for 'fixer-uppers'!!!

 

Moimeme....tooo funny!

 

Yes,

It's an old saying but 'Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'. It's not even just about how someone looks....it's what they are on the inside...how they smile....how they make you feel....which makes someone think the object of their affection is the most beautiful person in the world.

 

You don't have to 'become' anything else....just be who you are. Accept love by knowing the person looking at you....may be seeing more within you than you will ever see in yourself.

[moimeme]

You don't have to 'become' anything else....just be who you are. Accept love by knowing the person looking at you....may be seeing more within you than you will ever see in yourself.

 

Now there's wise words, especially for all our friends with self-esteem issues. Great words, Barbie!

[meanon]

Rating scales (of coolness, beauty, whatever) go out the window when you fall in love - they only come into play when you are asking "what does he see in me?". Had I rated my husband when I met him he would not have been a high scorer. But he made me laugh all the time except when we were kissing and he was so different to me I found him fascinating.. I know this is nauseating - I'm just trying to demonstrate Arabess's wise words about it being how they make you feel, what they see in you and you in them (not always the obvious).