Suspicious or paranoid?

[usernamehere]

Ok. Just as a disclaimer, this is probably going to end up pretty long, and pretty confusing. And I apologise for that. Also, I'm trying very hard not to unintentionally sound pompous, arrogant and paranoid.

 

Some background.

 

I'm 17, 18 in August. I live in New Zealand, in Hamilton, which is about 100 kilometres away from where she lives, in Auckland. Google Maps it . Honestly I'm quite intelligent, and I'm quite a worldly person. I've been around. I've done my fair share of good and bad things, and have been through a lot more than most 17 year olds. I was clinically diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder two years ago, and while I have progressed a lot, I still do have occasional breakdowns. I've had my fair share of relationships, and I have been stung quite a bit. The girlfriend I had before my current one cheated on me with my (then) best friend, and strung me along, and screwed me about for a year. Long, long story. I haven't had much experience being loved. I'm not the most trusting of people. Mainly because every time I've been cheated on or screwed over in any regard, I've seen it coming. My paranoia has been right. Anyway.

 

I've been with this girl for 5 months now (she's 18). Now I know that doesn't seem long, but I've known her for 5 years, and we've always cared about each other very much. Somehow, we just decided to fall in love last year. And yes, I know that sounds stupid, and I sound naive and young and everything...but no. It's not like that. It's the deepest, most amazing, incredible relationship I've ever been in. She's amazing. I love her more than I could ever imagine to get across via a forum. And so you ask, well why are you posting here?

 

Well...

 

3 months ago, I moved down to Hamilton for University. After much painful debate and discussion, and her failure to get her life sorted out in time, she did not join me. We talk online and text every night. She comes down to visit quite regularly (about every 2 or 3 weeks), at her expense, and I can see she makes a very conscious effort to see me. We have great conversations. We make each other laugh, and cry. She's opened up to me more than to anybody else, and her last boyfriend was abusive, mentally and sexually. She cheated on him with her ex to feel liked by someone, more than anything, and I thought that was understandable. I'm pretty damn sure she really does love me...most of the time

 

Truth is, I don't think too much of myself physically, and sometimes as a person. I don't hate myself, but I know that I'm nowhere near the best she can get. And therefore, I think that she's going to someone else to seek the satisfaction she requires, even though she incessantly tells me that I am more than enough, and this is probably evidenced by the fact that we do have a healthy sexual relationship, and I'm not forceful in any respect. Even I'll admit, I'm a bloody good boyfriend when I'm feeling happy.

 

She says she's happy with me. She says she loves me. She accepted my proposal (yes I did it, please don't flame me for it, it felt right).

 

A couple of months ago, she started texting her ex, the guy she cheated again. This guy, Matt, lives in Rotorua, which is another 100 km's away from Hamilton. She always said she had a respect for him, and that she found him "irresistible" and according to her it was inevitable that they'd hook up. Sure, she said this before we officially got together but it was still said.

 

*Note: I'm very paranoid when it comes to minding her privacy, and it was a big question for me to ask her who she's talking to, what about etc. I feel like I'm being clingy and paranoid. The problem is, I am both of those things.

 

So he started talking to her. At first, when I asked who she was talking to and she wouldn't tell me. At that stage, I knew it was him. I preceded to sulk. I went to bed early. I know, I'm a [insert derogatory term here]. She told me that night, and my suspicions were confirmed. When I asked what they were talking about, she said he was having girl problems. No doubt, to her, this was the truth. To me there was already an ulterior motive. Essentially, it's a sympathy trap.

 

Apparently, in their time together, he was very clingy and obsessive, and obviously cared about her a lot, which she got very sick of, even though she'd always described him as a really nice guy. So I was thinking there's still something there on his behalf. This, along with the "irresistible" etc. comments, made me pretty paranoid.

 

Turns out, I was right. About a month and a half ago, he said he should come and visit her. To which she (apparently) replied "maybe". To which he (apparently) said something along the lines of "I don't think I'd be able to see you without kissing you". Apparently, she said "ok", to which he apologised, and she broke off contact.

 

Thing is, she told me this last night. After lying to me about it. I was having a depressive moment, and was quizzing her about any possible affairs. I know, I'm a horrible person, I don't need that reinforcing. After about 5 or 10 minutes of telling me there weren't any, and she hadn't even had any offers, she finally told me Matt had made the move detailed above.

 

This doesn't seem right to me. There must be something more. It doesn't make sense that someone would say THAT out of the blue. It annoys me that she didn't tell me about it when it happened. Surely there was some kind of precursor, a stimuli, something like a "you were the one that got away" conversation. Such conversations were happening halfway through last year, apparently, but she says they don't talk like that anymore.

 

She isn't the type that is upfront about how she feels (and only really started opening up with me 2 months into the relationship). She doesn't give blunt answers. She's very protective and quite introverted, which is mainly down to the abuse she has suffered. She is an incredibly kind person. Sometimes too nice. She has coped with my issues really well. And she says she can handle the pain I must bring her sometimes, and I truly, truly hate doing that to her. I have no doubt that she loves me, and she says I make her happy, but sometimes stuff like that just makes you wonder, doesn't it?

 

I mean, she cheated on someone before, with this guy. Yes, totally different circumstances, but she still did it. A couple of days before we were 'officially' together, and I'd already confessed to her how I felt (and it was a pretty intense confession), she hooked up with some guy she barely knows, apparently just to make me jealous. Does that even make sense? She even said that she wouldn't be able to stop herself if the situation arose. What if he did visit? I wouldn't know. I have no evidence to think she's cheating (apart from the above, which isn't really evidence), and just her word to think she's not. If I had it my way, I'd know every word they ever said to each other. And I know, that's a terrible thing to say.

 

I love her. The relationship is promising. We're pretty much engaged for God's sakes. Even my ever skeptical friends see it as something special. I'm skeptical but I think deep down I know that this is it. But all I want is for her to be happy, with me or without me.

 

My problem is, I don't know. I sway between thinking she's cheating (in general, not just with Matt) and thinking it's just me being paranoid again. I came here looking for advice. Whether I'm just being paranoid, whether you think she is cheating, or any other opinions/advice. Just please don't call me a naive, dramatic teenager. Sorry if that's how it comes across, but I'm not here for abuse, I'm here for advice.

 

Thanks for reading,

Cullen.

 

EDIT: Also, over the past couple of days, when I've asked her what she's done, she's said stuff. When I ask what kind of stuff, she says something like "just stuff". Just another thing that drove me crazy.

Edited May 6, 2010 by usernamehere
Extra info.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Ha. I laugh not at you, but at the fact you sound like you're in the exact same situation as me.

 

When they give answers such as "stuff", it says "I don't want you to know". Being kept in the dark is never a good thing as it stirs the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. You aren't wrong for feeling these feelings.

 

Is your girlfriend dispraxic?

 

Also, you said the reasons your girlfriend cheated on her ex and you sound like the complete opposite to him, so chances are, she's not cheating on you as you do everything you can for her. We can't help being clingy and protective because of how past relationships have treated us. My 3 previous relationships screwed me over and I'm still reeling from it, which sadly means it's spilling over into my current relationship.

 

I cannot provide too much advice, sadly, as I posted a problem very similar to this one. But what I will say is this... You proposed to her and she said yes (congratulations by the way). I highly doubt she would have said yes if she wasn't commited to you and only you because a) It's a very big commitment and b) If she did have feelings for this Matt guy, she would feel she was betraying him by marrying you. As she's marrying you, I would say she didn't have strong feelings for Matt.

 

We all take some feeling of our ex's into our next relationship, that's what being in love does, but this doesn't mean they're anything more than just memories. Try not let your mind delve too much into these things. Also, ask her to be more informative with you because it will help your paranoia. Try not let her know your paranoia, as I do with my girlfriend, because as you said, it makes you feel horrible.

 

You could always try and get some councelling, that might help, but first off, find out if your girlfriend is dispraxic. Dispraxia (depending on how bad) could be the reason she isn't telling you so much information. Dispraxia affects the brain so that the carrier cannot always form ideas and expressions properly. I know this as my girlfriend is suspected to have it. Secondly, let your girlfriend know that you feel uncomfortable with her talking to her ex and that you wish for her to be more informative, as saying "stuff" just promotes feelings of devious behaviour.

 

Remember, communication, trust and honesty all need to be there to help a relationship stay strong. Trust comes with time and your girlfriend can help this by communication more and always being honest. Just make sure you do the same back.

 

P.S. Sorry, just read

 

She even said that she wouldn't be able to stop herself if the situation arose. What if he did visit? I wouldn't know. I have no evidence to think she's cheating (apart from the above, which isn't really evidence), and just her word to think she's not. If I had it my way, I'd know every word they ever said to each other. And I know, that's a terrible thing to say.

 

Ex's are ex's for a reason. One or both people no longer want to continue the relationship. Relationships are a 2 way thing and so is cheating. If she was going to cheat, she'd play just as much part as Matt and if Matt sounds like he wants your girlfriend, he couldn't have been the one to end that relationship. This means your girlfriend wanted to end their relationship, therefore her heart's not with him. You can be pretty sure of that. I don't quite understand what she was trying to say by not being able to "stop herself if the situation arose"..

Stop what? The meeting of them two? Them kissing? What did she mean?

 

Unfortunately you have to take her word for it and unless you have a real good reason to suspect her of cheating, keep it to yourself. Otherwise you run the risk of destroying the relationship. Sounds like you both have some issues (yours with bi-polar and past relationships, hers with her immediate ex's abuse). You two should sit down and talk about what you want from the relationship and from each other. She shouldn't really be talking to her ex either, social law says that's a big no no. You can't stop her, but you can ask her to be more open with you. She might say no, but it will come with time. Ofc if she still has feelings for Matt, it's your choice whether to stay with her or not...

[usernamehere]

Thanks for the reply mate. It's cleared up a lot. Made me think more rationally.

 

@Your P.S., she said that she can't stop herself (basically from just making out, they didn't have sex) before we were together. And she was the one who broke off the relationship in the first place, so I think you're right.

 

Basically they only started talking again because he asked her for help with his girl problems. Apparently he was having trouble with a relationship. She of course tried to help by talking to him, and helping him as a friend (from what I know). She didn't know that he had an ulterior motive.

 

I, on the other hand, know what men are like.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot. I'm really grateful for you giving me the light of day.

 

All the best with your issues too my friend.

[ICouldSayTheSame]

Ah cool man, that's great. I'm glad I could help.

 

I know what you mean about the ulterior motives, my girlfriend's talking to a guy called Tom who I know has ulterior motives. Great thing about being a guy is that we know when someone is a threat. It's not a bad thing to always be a little bit weary of people (I mean, we gotta be protective right?), just try not let it get to your head too much. There's normally a rational explanation.

 

I'm so glad I could help. Best wishes to you too mate!