I miss her.

[UCFKevin]

It's going on three months since I've seen or talked to my ex. I don't know who knows my story or who doesn't, it's just way too long to tell again, but to sum up, I lost the love of my life back in November for good, and it ended really quite horribly.

 

Of course, at first, it affected me really badly, but I eventually got on with my life. I had to.

 

I mean, I AM doing fine, I'm not really dwelling on it or anything...not completely anyway, but...lately...I've just been thinking about her. I miss her. I miss her so damn much. I look at the space in my bed where she'd normally be. I look next to me in my car or in the movie theater, and I don't see her. I cook certain things that I used to cook for her and...I dunno. It just sorta makes my shoulders sag. I hear songs or see shows or movies that we used to listen to or watch...I know that's a very typical thing to happen, but just because it's so common doesn't make it any less distracting or painful.

 

I know there are plenty of fish in the sea...but her personality...what it was BEFORE all the drama and BS happened, was just...beyond perfect. I really doubt I'll ever meet a girl like her again, someone who's just so happy and bright and sweet. I hope I do. Of course I hope I do. Even after all the pain, sorrow and heartache she put me through, it...doesn't really blacken anything. For some reason, I don't hate her. Maybe it'd be easier for me to hate her, but I can't. That's not me. It would be fake. I try not to think about "What if I did this differently" or "I shouldn't have said or done that", because that's just a one way street, it's not helpful to be like that, unless you apply it to the future. I needed to change...I hate that it took me losing her to realize that, but...life has it's little earthquakes, doesn't it?

 

I dunno. I was waiting for her to be done with her school before moving to California, and she was going to go with me, happily, willingly, so that's one of the reasons I'm going in March, because all that was keeping me here was her.

 

There's really nothing I'm looking for here, no advice or solace...I just felt like talking for a little bit about this. Getting it off my chest...or my heart, specifically.

 

I still miss her...and I will for a while. There will be a day, though, when I wake up and don't miss her anymore. And I probably won't even realize it. But until then...I can do nothing but remember the good times and look to the future for more good times...better times...with someone who would never in a million years hurt me like she did.

 

Here's hoping...here's to the future.

[lostforwords]

There will be a day, though, when I wake up and don't miss her anymore. And I probably won't even realize it. But until then...I can do nothing but remember the good times and look to the future for more good times...better times...with someone who would never in a million years hurt me like she did.

 

Here's hoping...here's to the future.

 

 

it does get less and less painful as you may already know.... and the memories get less in the frequency as well... and i can tell you have a very healthy awesome attitude... and you know there will always be that place in your heart for her. kev.... your doing fine.... and its so awesome to hear that. good luck

[Arabess]

I sure do understand Kevin.

 

I broke up with the love of my life last January. We still stayed in contact by email and phone....mainly because he was in the war and I was worried about him. Then, I realized I was never going to get over him if we continued to have contact. My New Year's resolution was to never respond to another email or phone from him or to dwell on what all went terribly wrong.

 

This past month has been soooo damn long. Not being in contact feels like a death. There are times I've just cried for no reason. I MISS HIM! I really DO know exactly how you feel. Even when you don't give into it or let it disrupt your life.....it's like a cloud hanging over your head keeping you from feeling joy to it's fullest. I could win the lottery and still have that sad feeling of great loss. I'm sure you are going thru the same type of feeling. You have everything to look forward to in your life....but yet....a piece of you is missing.

 

When I look back to when we broke up and now though.....I've come a long way....and I'm sure you have too. It's looking at how far you've come....which will give you the strength to plow on thru till it all becomes a faided memory. (or as I call it.....a F*CKED UP memory.)

 

I wasn't trying to make this about me....I just didn't know any other way to convey to you that you aren't alone. I really DO care about what you are going thru.....and I wish I could make it all go away for you.

 

If anyone will pull out of it and get on with their life....it'll be you. You have everything going for you....and this too....shall pass.

 

Your Florida Friend,

Arabess / Barbie

[moimeme]

Sorry you're still feeling that ache, Kevin (and Barbie). It can take quite a while to go away, as you're finding. I've been there and it's horrible. There isn't much that's helpful that one can say other than to confirm that there is life after grief and that, one day, you will no longer feel like a whole piece of you is missing.

[Marty_McFly]

I think it's going to be really good for you to move away. When I finished school, I moved to another city where I knew absolutely nobody. Through my job and other places, I met a lot of new people, including girls, and I even got to a point after a few months to where I was actually questioning to myself whether I really wanted to stay with my girlfriend at the time who lived in another city (the ex who I'm now, like you, missing incredibly). Even though I ultimately decided back then that I wanted to be with her, the point here is that I met a lot of new people that made me raise the question in the first place.

 

However, moving away won't completely make you get over her. At first, you'll be excited to be in a new place but you'll kind of miss her because you won't know many other people and you'll wish she could be there to share all these new things with you. But then, you'll meet new people, and soon the excitement of all of that will probably totally take your mind off of her completely (this was the point where I was questioning my own relationship). After you've been away several months, there will come a time where even though you have a lot of new friends and are having fun, you'll start to miss "home" (wherever you consider home to be right now). At that time, you'll probably think about her some again, just because you're remembering everything about the life you left behind and she was included in that, and you'll kind of miss that life for a little bit. I think regardless of how great your new life is and how much better it is than your life right now, you will still go through this period where you miss the "old days" just because all you remember are the fun times you had with your friends. But then that passes, and finally the new place will really feel like "home" to you, and I think at that point you will possibly never think of her again.

 

At least those are kind of the stages I went through when I moved away.

 

And I guess you couldn't pick a better place than California to get over her. After all, the Beach Boys (and later Van Halen) didn't sing "Wish They All Could Be California Girls" because they're ugly!

[UCFKevin]

Thanks folks...

 

I don't think there will ever be a time when I don't think about her at all. Not this one. This one could've been the one. I don't think you forget about someone you might have spent the rest of your life with.

 

But I'm still young, who knows, maybe I will never think about her one day.

 

I'm not really moving to run away from her and memories and stuff, it's just to start over again, more or less.

 

The thing that kills me is the fact, well its not a fact but an assumption, that she doesn't think about me at all, doesn't miss me at all, nothing. But...such is life, I guess. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I still care very deeply for her. I think a part of me always will.

 

Dammit.

[Kriz]

I don't know what happened between you, but if you really miss her that much, I think you should give her a call instead of trying to forget her.

 

I mean, what is worse? The pain that caused you to break up, or the pain of losing the person that means that much to you? You'll have to get past the first one anyway, but maybe you can avoid the latter.

[julieg]

kevin

she may not realize what she had with you for years. she may think about you, miss you and cry at times now. But she is probably so caught up in herself and her own feelings / agenda right now. she may hide all of this very well. i did all of this.

i know you don't wish ill on her but.... if she has a conscience, one day when she is mature and secure her feelings for you and what she may have gave up may come back to haunt her. sadly, this is not something i would wish on anyone. it is sheer inexplicable mental torture. it is as if the initial period after the breakup of denying and not feeling what i did to him became a mental prison sentence i couldn't escape!!!!!!!

[NotaBadGuy]

I hear what you are saying UCFKevin. I did take the one next step with my girl - marriage. We married after 2 1/2 yrs(last May) only to have her basically leave me for another 4 months later, file for divorce after 6 months (still in process). I have to at least wait until May this year to leave here because I graduate from grad school. This should be a time of praise and a sense of accomplishment, but I instead feel as if it is a time of failure. I had this whole future thing planned and a rough draft in my head of how things were going to progress.

 

Now I can't even convince myself to stay in town for any reason. I run and hide every weekend to different cities across the country so I don't have to chance seeing her. I am a coward in this respect. I know I can't run forever, but I, like yourself, miss this girl, even after she has screwed me over. She doesn't call me and doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. Proabably because she is with him. I can not move on that easy. I married the girl for life, not for 6 months worth. I have had to look long and hard in the mirror to work on myslef and keep myself out of the self blame mode - very tough though.

 

I am not a bad guy, but we all can improve. I may have placed my education to high on my priority list in this instance. It may have been one of the significant factors in my demise. I too have though about getting the hell out of here once school is done. But the problem is, that everything I have worked so hard for networking wise is right HERE, and nowhere else at this time. So, in essence, I would be walking away from that. I also see Marty's counter that once the new wears off that you will still catch yourself thinking about and missing the one you lost.

 

So, to anyone interested in replying, what is the right choice? To leave where you know the other may roam and know you will one day run into them or leave knowing you don't have to worry about running into them but at the same time leaving your networking system behind? I am at a loss. I too came to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

And JulieG , what do you mean about the mental prison that you could not escape? How long did it take for your consiounce to hit you? Did you ever get the closure you needed or does it still haunt you?

[meanon]

I feel for you - I was around when you first posted and was impressed by how strong you were - retaining the best of the relationship but determined not to be bitter and to get over it. You've done so well. I know the ending was horrid but you and this girl really loved each other and you will both always have that for life - no matter what came later. Eventually the ache will ease and you will remember her with pleasure and maybe a pang of regret. Part of being in love is valuing what makes that person special - so yes she was unique. When you fall in love again you will find different things in that person that are special and unique. So your ex may be irreplaceable in one sense (she will always have a place in your heart) but not in the sense that she is the only or even the most important love of your life. Don't try to stop caring, just do what you are doing - acknowledge the pain, articulate it, know it will pass and look to the future. All the best.

[Kriz]

Dude seriously, I've just read the WHOLE (extremely long) story about you and Mary. Call her. You got too comfortable in the relationship, getting her back will be uncomfortable but not impossible. I figure SHE's worth the shot.

 

Come on people, what's with all the 'give up' , 'move on', 'the pain will fade'? I see all of you reading it won't be easy, well I think it's the easiest way to move on. Give it your best, if that's not enough then you'll be able to move on without the what-ifs.

 

I know I'm posting off-key here, maybe there were posts after that very long one that offer new data, but basically what you're saying in your thread here is: I love this girl, I miss her, I wish there was something I could do. Call her or send her a little souvenir of the good things you had by mail.

[UCFKevin]

Did you read the cirumstances on how it ended, though? It ended horribly. She blocked my AOL name from emailing her or anything.

 

I've given her chances to say something, I emailed her from work just to tell her Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas, but got nothing in response. I left her a letter after the break up to clear out my conscience and try to have things end on a better note and never heard a thing from her, I even gave her the movie she loved the most from last summer as an early Christmas gift. Nothing. I've basically given it my best. The only way I could contact her is to call her beeper, that's the only number I had of her since she didn't have a cellphone and moved to a different house in the time we stopped talking, and I'm sure if I beep her, she wouldn't call me back. Even if I HAD the beeper number, which I don't. I could always get in contact with her grandparents, who absolutely adore me, but...I don't want that.

 

If she wanted to talk to me, she would. The truth is, I have no real reason to contact her. I'm leaving soon. I mean, as much as I would love to see her again and have it be so much better having THAT be the last time...I don't think she cares. If she were to somehow find out that I'm moving, I have a feeling she wouldn't give a damn. Or at least wouldn't show it.

 

Maybe, if anything, I'll call her before I leave for Los Angeles but...I dunno. I don't think I should call her. Even my heart says not to call her. In the whole situation, during the break, my heart would say something and my head would say something completely different. I always listened to my heart because that's how I think people should live. But my heart's telling me, "It's done. Move on."

 

But...folks...seeing all your responses...it means quite a bit to me. Especially you, Kriz, I dunno why. So thanks to everyone for saying a little somethign to me, to make me feel a little better. I already do.

 

I'll always miss her. I'll think about her for a long time. Things will always remind me of her. And chances are, a part of me will always love her...but...she changed. I changed too.

 

However....this is probably stupid and ridiculous to admit...but...I'm not entirely sure I'd say no to her if she came to me and wanted to take me back. But that's just the hopeless romantic in me that never likes to give up. But this is the one time in my life that I know I just have to do it. I have to give up. I HAVE given up. It was a battle I couldn't win. I did all I could to do so. Truth be told, I don't feel I did anything too wrong after the break, when I'd contact her or go over to see her. She perceived it wrongly, which is understandable, but nevertheless, everything I did was with the best of intentions. I was, after all, listening to my heart.

 

As painful as this whole experience was, it taught me quite a bit about myself. And her.

 

Best case scenario, in a year, she'll go to the movies with the guy she's seeing at the time and before the movie, a trailer will be shown that has me in it, she'll look at the guy she's seeing and say, "Sh*t!"

 

(Not only am I a hopeless romantic, I'm also very optimistic. But realistic too)

 

Who knows, our paths may cross somewhere down the line, but for now...this is how it's got to be. Unfortunately. I wanted to grow old with her. I would've died for her. It took her breaking up with me for me to realize that. That's my fault. But I would've done everything humanly possible to do everything the right way, to right the wrongs...she didn't want to give me that chance. That's how it goes. That's life. No one ever said it was predictable.

 

All I can really hope for is that she's doing okay. That she doesn't do this anymore. Run away from problems or stress. I just want her to be happy, really. That's all I can want out of this. I'm not a vindictive man who holds grudges. I'm not bitter. I could be but that's the easy way out, the fool's way out. I went down that road once before. It took me a year to get out of that hell. I'd rather not let it happen again.

 

So all I can do is hold my head up high, wish for the best, remember her with fond memories and be on my way.

[Aonz]

You cannot have true grief without true love and you cannot have true love without grief. they go together. Two sides of the same story.

 

"Grief is the price we pay for love"

 

(I read that on a commemorative plaque in the Grosvenor Square Garden Memorial for the vistims of 9/11 in London)

[UCFKevin]

Ain't that the truth.

 

Unfortunately.

[Aonz]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

Ain't that the truth.

 

Unfortunately.

 

One of the great truisms in life.

 

But would we want any other way? After all our existence here is finite, would we love as deeply if we didn't know that one day it would end?

 

Just something to think about.

[UCFKevin]

Well, that all depends on how you look at life and the afterlife.

 

But...I'll tell you one thing. What happened with me and her won't stop me from wanting to love again. It's worth the risk. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it...but it is.

[Kriz]

I wonder if you can find anyone on this forum who can say they have been in an intense relationship for two and a half years and don't care about it anymore. I know I can't. You can't. She's probably scared to death.

 

I'm in a relationship for two years now. Figure by your avatar I'm about your age (21). I recognised a lot of things in your post that I hadn't even thought of. I've been taking her for granted too. Time to shape up...

 

But hey, I'm sorry, I don't mean to make your grief worse or anything. A man's mind is made up, and go for your dreams, whatever dream it be...Good luck!

[UCFKevin]

Nah, you didn't make anything worse.

 

But...I'm glad that I was able to help someone out with my story. Don't let happen what happened with me and her, man. Make her know you love her. Show her. Work at it. Don't get lazy like I did.

 

I wouldn't wish the pain and heartache I went through on anyone.

 

As for her being scared to death, who knows. Could be. Maybe she thinks about me a lot. Or maybe she's able to shut everything out and make herself move on and forget about everything. I don't see how anyone could possibly do that, but...that seems to be what she's doing. Ah well.

[julieg]

to not a bad guy this all happened a long long time ago. ..but it seems like yesterday in so many ways. here is why- i was able to shut down my feelings and deny them so effectively. i basically did what mary did to kevin for my own selfish mental preservation. no returning his letters, calls etc. and no thought to what it was doing to him!! i can't imagine acting this way! i was so selfish and immature. the prison i mentioned is now upteen years later getting mine back in spades as far as guilt is concerned. i have sons and would never want them treated that way by someone they loved.

[GoldfingerCymru]

JulieG,

 

I admire your honesty concerning your feelings, that takes some guts to admit.

 

I too am in Kevin's situation and takes solace from your honest account of how you dealt with your feelings concerning your situation. The girl I love and was going to marry (and still feel for with great love) has not contacted me, even though I have stated my feelings and love for her. I do not wish her to be unhappy and cannot get angry at her early responses of disdain for me, as I understand it must have been a hard decision for her to make. Your account gives me hope that she may still have some feelings for me and is managing to suppress them to protect herself and that makes me feel more love for her as it must be a hard thing to do. Maybe time will bring us back together (hopefully), then maybe not, but she will always hold my heart. You may think that silly to hold someone in such esteem, but at 33 I have been through some relationships and an 11 year marriage and she was the first to really make me happy in love.

 

Once again thanks JulieG, as it places hope in my heart while I get on with my life.

 

GoldfingerCymru

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

I still miss her...and I will for a while. There will be a day, though, when I wake up and don't miss her anymore. And I probably won't even realize it. But until then...I can do nothing but remember the good times and look to the future for more good times...better times...with someone who would never in a million years hurt me like she did.

 

It's alright, dude. We've all felt nostalgic at one time or another. It's nice to look back at the memories and sigh with a smile, but it's also nice to look forward and see what awaits.

 

Hang in there, buddy and keep your head up!

 

~V

[NotaBadGuy]

JulieG,

 

I too, like Goldfinger, admire your honesty and willingness to share your feelings and past with us. I know it is not easy to do, but thank you for doing so. What was it that made you shut down emotionally? At what point in time did you realize that you had done so and when did it start to bother you? I don't believe you should feel guilty anymore about what happened so many years ago. To me, at least, I think you have recognized what you did in the past and show remorse for it. I'm sure you have asked for forgiveness for what was done and that is really all you have to do. And to recognize that you do not want your son's to ever be treated that way speaks volumes about how much this bothers you.

 

Also, to acknoledge the past on a forum such as this to complete strangers also speaks volumes about you. I again agree with Goldfinger in this respect. It sort of gives me a sense of closure. I do not wish the pain I have expereinced on anyone, but I have also used it as a learning tool. Had I not expereinced it, I would have never found or looked for this site. After finding this site, I do not feel as alone out here in the world as I once did. I realized there are many people out there expereincing the same feelings and emotions that I am. I realized that I must move on. I realized that the pain and hurt subsides over time. I realized that complete strangers care enough to listen to others problems, pains, and hurts to give sound and concrete advice with no strings attached. I realized that I and others can all learn from others similar expereinces in relatiosnships.

 

Each day I grow stronger in faith, wisdom, and understanding. I may never have all the answers to why my marriage failed, but I am growing more content with this realization every day. I am instead focusing on who I am and what I have to offer to the next person, what I can do to correct any shortcomings I may have, and to enjoy life as it is given to me, because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. This is not an exhaustive list, but a beginning. You have to begin somewhere, why not yourself. Its easier to do once you figure out you are not as alone out there as you once envisioned. We all hold the key to our own happiness. It is within us. We just have to search for it, find it, and believe in it. Happiness is a state of mind. It is not monetary, not another person, and not given to us. We create it for ourselves. I have for happiness for so long outside myself and have finally realized that it is somthing that I held within myself the entire time. In the end, I guess you have to lose to ultimately win. For all on this posting and all members of LS, thank you. (especially if you have read this far)

[Thinkalot]

Good luck to you..I dont have much to add, other than to say, it will get easier! I wish you all the best.

[fnouri]

UCFKevin, You know, we have similar stories. It gets better, sure, but I think the regret will always be there in future. That little voice that tells you, what if I would have... We only feel that way when we truly love someone. I have ended many happy and unhappy relationships, and I also had others end their relationship with me. After a short period of time, I never thought about it. But this one, the one who is leaving me, I know she is the right person for me. And I am so lost and miserable that she is leaving. Like you, I will always keep her love in my heart, and if she comes back, I will give my heart to her again in a cold minute.

 

To ease the pain, I do two things. I am trying to replace her love with the love of God. And secondly, I talk to anyone I can. That is why you read my blabber here!

 

Best of luck to you. If you want to talk, PM me.

[julieg]

to not a bad guy- i shut down emotionally to the feelings i had for him to keep my sanity. it almost broke me to break up with him after 4 years. i was only 20-21 yrs old and he was 23. i was programed from young age to get married late in life and he the opposite. i didnt want to waste his time and let him go to move on. he met someone almost immediately (rebound) and i shut down communication with him because i didn't want to interfere with his new relationship. he tried to contact me after he was dating her but i ignored his petitions for friendship. at the time i thought it was just normal jeolousy as the reason why i didn't respond to him or intimidation that he was with someone "better" than me.

gradually as the years passed it dawned on me that i had emotionally shut down because i was totally selfish and controlling. i loved him but couldn't accept him as he was faults and all. love is so much more forgiving and this comes with maturity. it took me a long time to see this in myself.