Medgirl Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Hi everyone, I don't know if you've seen my posts before but I've been having some issues with my sig other. Well, we finally broke up or "decided to be just friends". I'm actually glad. I feel more free, and I don't feel as trapped. However, we both live in a pretty small town and odds of us seeing eachother are way high. In fact, we have a math class together that's an hour a day Mon-Thur. I'm still hurt and I don't know if I'll be able to stand seeing him with another girl. On that note, he still wants to be friends and still date. I don't know if I'll be able to resist getting back together with him. When I'm with him I'm not happy and I dream about having a better relationship with someone else, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of being apart. What am I going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 this isn't the most constructive suggestion but ... how about moving to a bigger town? -yes Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Take it one day at a time. Try to limit contact or limit topics you talk about (the weather is good, Math might be acceptable). Hang in there! When you start to backslide, mentally review the things he did that made you feel trapped. Stay busy with your own stuff - someone will soon come along who will make you much happier. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHW Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 "When I'm with him I'm not happy and I dream about having a better relationship with someone else, but at the same time I can't stand the thought of being apart" i don't personally understand that situation but it seems like you need to have a significant other, if you are not happy with him you cannot possibly be with him, you are possibly the type that could move on very quickly if you find someone else you maybe even like not like seeing your ex with another is perfectly naturally yet a horrible situation, it can take years for that feeling to pass if you were truly in love with them you seem very young judging by your photo so moving away is probably very difficult for you right now and WHY SHOULD YOU ANYWAY? good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Originally posted by BrainRightHW i don't personally understand that situation but it seems like you need to have a significant other, if you are not happy with him you cannot possibly be with him, you are possibly the type that could move on very quickly if you find someone else you maybe even like I personally feel like this is bad advice. No one "needs" an SO. The trouble with people who feel that way, is that when they rapidly move on into another relationship, they'll either be moving into something they know isn't a good relationship, or sabotage it so that it isn't. You should always be over #X before you move on to #(X+1). Enjoy yourself, you're special. No one can make you special, you just are, it just feels good to share that with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Medgirl Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 Thanks for all your replies. Luckly I am moving to a bigger city, but unfortunatley that's next fall. I was also very surprised by some of your advice. Especially the advice that I seem like the kind of person that needs a SO and that moving too quickly into another relationship is bad news at all. I'm almost 20 years old and have jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 15 years old! The longest I've been single since 15 was for 3 months. I've had 2 semi serious relationships and 1 serious relationship. Before the guy I just broke up with I was in a 3 year relationship and was planning to get married! I know that I don't need a SO especially since I'm 20 and moving to a bigger city next year but it almost seems like I'm addicted to having a SO. However, I've decided NOT to get involved with someone at least until I move. So it's funny that you mentioned that I seem like the type of person that needs an SO because that's what it seems like to me too, but I also agree that moving into another relationship so quickly is a bad idea. It just hurts you know. I mean I feel like I'm out of control. I feel like all I have to look forward to is hurting over this guy. I still have very deep feelings for him but at the same time I KNOW he's not the right one. I don't know what I'll do when I see him with another girl. I don't know what to do to make the pain go away, and I'm afraid it'll take a long time to heal. I'm just really scared right now and I don't know what to do. I want to move away right now. If I had it my way I'd never ever see him again. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I just reread your original post where it sounded like you might continue to date him. I don't think I would if I were you (having read this recent post). You should definitely date other guys between now and moving, but not with the thoughts of getting serious again so quickly. You're going to be sad for a little while. Be sad (but don't let him know), cry it out a little, pick yourself up and then enjoy your independence. Big hug! Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHW Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 dyermaker i wasn't offering advice... i was just trying to comprehend Medgirl's situation and as she posted so it seems i was kind of accurate in a sense! nobody needs a significant other but then why is it probably the most common human characteristic to pursue a potential partner???? i honestly think Medgirl is of the advantageous disopsition of able to move on far more quickly than the average loveshacker... lucky girl! i am 29 and throughout my life in total i have been in 3 relationships totalling 1 1/2 years so there is quite a contrast there alright it is probably a bad idea to jump from one partner to another as this is quite possibly emotionally impossible and you are maybe only having pretentious relationships ( from my perspective anyway ) "I still have very deep feelings for him but at the same time I KNOW he's not the right one" this again is quite alien to someone like me, i seem to only have feelings for someone who i do think is the one, i could probably have serial relationships like yourself but i know after 1 or 2 dates that i don't want to continue, and it is very rare that we really meet people who are truly special ( well for me anyway!!!! ) "If I had it my way I'd never ever see him again." that statement says to me your pain won't last very long, of all my exes i have never thought this of any of them i believe if you truly love somebody you will always want to know them and see them, there is never any hatred of ill thoughts whatsoever that is what i believe and probably the reason why i haven't had 35 girlfriends so far! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Medgirl Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 "'I still have very deep feelings for him but at the same time I KNOW he's not the right one' this again is quite alien to someone like me, i seem to only have feelings for someone who i do think is the one, i could probably have serial relationships like yourself but i know after 1 or 2 dates that i don't want to continue, and it is very rare that we really meet people who are truly special ( well for me anyway!!!! )" When we first started dating it was great... then he turned into someone else.... "'If I had it my way I'd never ever see him again.' that statement says to me your pain won't last very long, of all my exes i have never thought this of any of them" Quite the contrary. I don't want to see him ever again because I DO love him and it'll kill me to see him again. It'll especially kill me to see him with another girl. I could hardly sleep last night. I kept thinking of how much I miss him. I MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY. But I can't deal with certain things in our relationship. I can't deal with his depression (he has clinical depression), I get jealous about his ex wife, I get jealous about his other female friends, to sum it up I have a hard time trusting him. Plus, he's pretty lethargic and I'm more driven. He's 27 and I'm only 20 (almost). I still want to party, he's pretty much done. Not to mention our perspective on things are way different. I don't know what to do. I'm a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Medgirl, As I was reading your postings, I thought of my situation. I am 27 myself, and married a 20 yr old. We were together 2 1/2 yrs. We married last may and we are in the process of divorce - she found another guy after 4 months. With the limited background in mind, I can sort of see where things may be. You want to expereince life and go out and then add the trust issue on top of that and it is a pretty difficult situation. I too was married once before, but I got messed around on in that one too. Trust and honesty in any relatioship is crucial. If you don't trust him, then there would always have been problems. You are young. You have the rest of your life to meet the one. Shound like you need to be YOU right now without him. It will be tough, but so goes life. I have had a difficult time realizing that with my situation, but at the same time realsized that she did not get the opportunity to grow for herself before me and during our time together. I wish I would have seen this before marriage, but hind sight is 20/20. I was the driven one in our relatioship. I am abotu to graduate from grad school in the spring. She was in school too, but never took is very seriously. My advice is to take care of yourself. Go out, have fun, experience life. You do not want to get committed and then look somewhere down the road and wonder what is out there. When you are ready, the ONE will be there. Until then, don't worry about it. Just my two cents though... Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Letting go of something familiar is scary. Its human nature to want to remain in your comfort zone. What you are feeling -- the can't stand the thought of being without him -- is probably more of fear of being alone and the fear of the unknown future---you are stepping out of your comfort zone. That is normal and I can understand how someone else might say that needing a new SO will help. It won't -- you will just end up transferring whatever made you comfortable to the new person and trying to impose behaviors (couple behaviors) to him. When that doesn't work the new guy becomes the re-bound guy. Try to avoid him. Stay busy with others. Date some other guys. Don't sit near each other in class. Just tell him that its not anger that is making you stay apart - but you just need the space to get over him. Who knows, someday you may be able to be friends with him -- but for now you both need the distance. The comfort zone is probably why he still wants to be friends and date -- you are his comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
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