How I got MY wife into sex

[tnttim]

Some know my story and some don't, but here is a brief breakdown that pertains to this thread.

 

I turned my sex life with wife into a scheduled task. I would demand sex, make her feel like it was her fault, and get mad if she said no. I was convinced that my wife had a low sex drive, or just accepted that 12 years with same person just does that to you.

 

That was the first thing I did, I smashed all of my old beliefs and ideals. I started to look at my wife as a date instead. Then I would think of all the ways I approached her for sex and decide if it would work on a date. Well after 50 no's in a row, I started to see a trend. It was me, not her, my deeper thought was it was her perception of me, and my view towards sex. Sex was very important for me, it defined me as a man in a way. I was very centered around pleasing my wife which to me meant I was a better man. It gave me a lot of sexual hang ups, and ideals that I really could not measure up to. I was missing the female factor in the sex equation, feelings. Sex for a woman goes far beyond the O, and your technique. Yes both are important but are far from the whole picture for women.

 

So with that insight I started to change my thoughts and actions on sex. First I put it on the bottom of my mental list, meaning I could live without sex. I stopped initiating sex, and waited for my wife to do it because sex was the last thing on my mind for now. She held out for a few days then asked me why I didn't want to have sex, she thought it was her fault. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and it had nothing to do with her. Here's the wow factor, she started amping up her approach for sex, the same way I would when I got turned down. I wondered how could this be when I had no sexual value because of my past with her. Then I realized that since our separation I had changed a lot, and in essence I was a new man to her.

 

Then I thought besides the obvious what else is she getting out of sex, feelings. I think we all have the same feelings before, during and after sex. We accomplished a goal, we satisfied the other person, we felt accepted, we felt loved, we felt in control, we felt control from the other person, we felt sexy, we felt great. For sex to be good a lot of those feelings have to be felt, or then it's just average. Why am I mentioning this? Because often after a long relationship we forget about these feelings, and we forget about making the other person feel those feelings. So that was the second step, increase the good feelings before, during or after. You can learn a lot more about your sex life if you pay attention to your spouses feelings, and attitudes before and after. If they are not in high spirits then they may have an issue with sex with you. They might have old feelings attached to the act, and it actually depresses them after sex because those bad feelings are now a habit. So try your best to break that habit for them, use suggestions and praise. Find something they love doing and start talking about how great they are at it right after sex. Be consistent and then you'll notice they will start to be happier and happier after sex. Never stop paying attention at the critical times, you will learn a wealth of information, and can use the information to increase your response from sex.

 

Her little games, and how you can maximize your appeal. I used to think my wife was crazy, I know we all think that. I noticed that a lot of times my wife would do something off the wall, or say something I didn't understand. I used to react in a negative way, then I realized it was all a game to test me. She wanted to know where she stood and where I stood in the M, so she would give me little tests. So the third thing I did was stopping playing her games, when I knew it was a test. The best way to win a game like this is to not participate in the game at all. Women love men in control, power is a turn on for most, that's why when they have A's it's usually with a boss, or someone with power. So I took control in the relationship, and the only thing I could control was my feelings, and my actions. I stopped over reacting, I stopped trying to control her, and I took control when she wanted me to take control.

 

Turning her on. The final piece was turning her on, and getting her to initiate sex. I already mentioned how not wanting made her want it more, and made her increase her approach. but what's the thought process behind that. She felt that for the first time she was not worthy of having sex with me, her actions spoke the words. So now I turn her down from time to time, or I say that I was in the mood yesterday and then she did something to turn me off. I would be more social when I went out, and try to talk to at least 1 new person. This gave me the power of acceptance from my wife because if other people like me, than she wants to be associated with me. If the new person was female then I also gained sex appeal, because if another person wants your spouse, you naturally want them more. Also by having sex with me it proved she was sexier than the other female. I made a lot of friends and reconnected with some old ones, this also helped because it showed other people like to be my friend, and I mattered to other people. It showed I had compassion.

 

During sex I would make sure that it was a great performance, and I would change it up from time to time. Then every once in a while after a great performance from her I would say "damn you made my balls tingle, I'm not going to able to go to sleep now. I knew I picked a winner when I met you, I can just see it in you, you're glowing." Sorry so graphic but there is a point, women do not know what balls feel like, akin to men not knowing what a g spot orgasm feels like. So it levels the field because when a man has an orgasm the evidence is literally right in front of you, but she doesn't know if she made them tingle, get it. If the sex was lack luster I never commented on it, or expressed it to her. I knew that there were forces beyond my control and I let it be. I would also ignore all the presteps to sex, when she was fishing for a sexual comment from me. She might wear small shorts and prance around me waiting for me to react, I would just keep on doing what I was doing. Sometimes she would ask me directly, "Am I sexy." It was the hardest thing to do but I would not comment on it, and if I did I would be vague. That question is a game, and by not answering the question, I beat her at her own game. Women on deep level love men that can out game them, it's a turn on, it's a challenge. Remain steadfast in your approach and you will reap the benefits. I would also let her know that sex with me was a challenge, it had to be earned in a way. So I would say things like "if you keep that up I'll let you show me your seduction skills later." At first she would get pissed, but as time went on she would start taking on these challenges. Now when I say something like that she giggles like a school girl, she loves the feeling of the silly challenge.

 

support her when she wants support, leave her alone when she needs the time to think. Support her actions when she makes a decision, comfort her when she needs comfort. Compliment her on her passions, be in control of your emotions. Don't let every little speed bump in life slow you down. Don't let anyone change your mind, remain steadfast. Don't be scared to speak up, or put her in her place when she needs it.

 

Be the nicest ashole your wife could ever need.....................

[tnttim]

From another thread, but hammers home my above points, thanks AEH!

 

Wow, I think this is right on target. Very interesting Alpha and Beta stuff. My husband is clearly a beta and becomes even more of a Beta when we aren't "getting along". I totally agree about having both the Alpha and Beta traits. Part of what I love so much about my H is that he is so responsible, caring, thoughtful, etc But there are really times when I want him to take more control, make decisions, etc. For example, we go to lunch together every day. I will ask him, "Where would you like to go?" He defers to me. I defer to him again bc he ALWAYS lets me pick. I tell him, "You choose". This goes back and forth, on and on. Sometimes I give in and just tell him a place bc I am sick of the indecision. But lately I have gone along with it bc there have been times when he finally will say something in regards to how we always do what I want to do...well, helloo......I am trying to let him make the stupid decision!! It annoys the heck out of me. Just make the freaking decision...it's not that big of a deal!!!

 

There are so many times when I really wish he would take charge, make a decision. I definitely appreciate his beta qualities but would definitely find myself even more sexually attracted if some alpha was thrown in there, too.

 

(As an aside, we have sex almost every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, but the other night he reached for me and I was half-asleep and I asked if we could wait for morning. Well, I have had pouty comments about it for two days straight!)

Edited May 7, 2010 by tnttim

[Lecturer]

Glad that worked for you, but I have to say that your advice is far from universal. Not all women play games, and I think you're a bit hypocritical to say your efforts include cessation of her game play, and meanwhile you introduce your own games.

 

Most women I've spoken to might do something like dress sexy and try to seduce their guy - and contrary to your advice, the very best thing for the guy to do is to show how irresistible she is by grabbing her right there and throwing her on the bed or pinning her against the wall. Afterwards she feels sexy and special, and that paves the way for sex again the next day (or after a snack). Guys that ignore their girl make their girl feel like crap, and doing it enough might make them far more receptive to any OTHER guy that happens to think she is sexy.

 

Anyway, I don't play games, and would rather not bother if that is what I'd have to do to get sex.

[JamesM]

I am glad it worked for you. And here is the BUT....most men in sexless marriages don't separate. So a new man we are not. I suppose we COULD separate and hence give an ultimatum of sorts.

 

How long have you been married?

 

How long were you separated and how long were you married before being separated? How long have the two of you been back together?

 

Ages of the two of you and do you have children?

 

How long has it been since you have been successful in getting sex back in your marriage?

 

 

One comment jumped out at me (and I confess I did not read them all thoroughly yet)......

So with that insight I started to change my thoughts and actions on sex. First I put it on the bottom of my mental list, meaning I could live without sex. I stopped initiating sex, and waited for my wife to do it because sex was the last thing on my mind for now. She held out for a few days then asked me why I didn't want to have sex, she thought it was her fault. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and it had nothing to do with her. Here's the wow factor, she started amping up her approach for sex, the same way I would when I got turned down.

 

Having not initiated sex for many days and weeks, I can say that this approach did not work for me. My guess is that others in sexless marriages will say that their wife was more relieved than anxious that the husband did not keep asking for sex.

 

I concede quite readily that this approach WILL work. I have heard it from others. However, if the wife (or husband) doesn't want sex with the one trying this approach, then it may backfire, too.

 

Tntim, you had success. I am glad for you. Sharing this may help others. I always advocate trying any approach. And this one will work for some.

 

BTW

[tnttim]

 

How long have you been married? 10 Years

 

How long were you separated and how long were you married before being separated? 4 months

 

How long have the two of you been back together? 5 months

 

Ages of the two of you and do you have children? me 33, her 30, yes 4 and 9

 

How long has it been since you have been successful in getting sex back in your marriage? Never left, just turned boring, and emotionless

 

 

One comment jumped out at me (and I confess I did not read them all thoroughly yet)......

 

 

Having not initiated sex for many days and weeks, I can say that this approach did not work for me. My guess is that others in sexless marriages will say that their wife was more relieved than anxious that the husband did not keep asking for sex.

 

I concede quite readily that this approach WILL work. I have heard it from others. However, if the wife (or husband) doesn't want sex with the one trying this approach, then it may backfire, too.

 

Tntim, you had success. I am glad for you. Sharing this may help others. I always advocate trying any approach. And this one will work for some.

 

BTW

 

You have to have sexual value before you try to cut her off. You don't cut her off completely, if she fully initiates, then we have sex. In the past I jumped on every opprotunity to have sex, and she knew if she waved her butt at me, I was hers. So she never had to really work for it, and it developed into a bad habit. Since I don't jump on it, she tries harder and harder till I give in. So now she is in the habit of trying harder when she gets in the mood, instead of sending me some messages and waiting for me to join in.

 

My point is to help others, and yes this did work for my wife, but there is a lot of universal advice here. It's counter intuitive thinking, and acting, and the crazy thing is that it works! That's why you should pay attention to your wife and figure out what she wants and needs from sex. I'm basically trying to gets guys to open up their minds to the fact that sex starts outside of the bedroom, especially for women.

[tnttim]

Most women I've spoken to might do something like dress sexy and try to seduce their guy - and contrary to your advice, the very best thing for the guy to do is to show how irresistible she is by grabbing her right there and throwing her on the bed or pinning her against the wall. Afterwards she feels sexy and special, and that paves the way for sex again the next day (or after a snack). Guys that ignore their girl make their girl feel like crap, and doing it enough might make them far more receptive to any OTHER guy that happens to think she is sexy.

Then who did the seducing, you or her? Who initiated sex?

 

When you deny her, she will turn up the heat if you are sexually appealing to her, just like you ramp up your efforts after she cuts you off. I don't ignore her completely, we still have a life without sex, so I'll just put more attention into the non sexual side of our relationship. I usually focus on her poetry, or writing because she takes pride in it. I also tell her that is what makes her sexy, her writing. Now after sex she is usually inspired to write. Is this all a coincidence, or did I change her perception of sex with me.

 

Anyway, I don't play games, and would rather not bother if that is what I'd have to do to get sex.

Then it's not for you, that's fine.

[You Go Girl]

Well guys, I must say we're all different, and different ourselves within different eras of our lives.

What works for one woman won't necessarily work for another, and even the same woman, month to month year to year. Yeah, we're fickle and a pita to nail down a sure thing.

I have only one tiny huge bit of advice for men--and women--LISTEN.

Not just to words--listen to what she is telling you when you hold her, when you kiss her, when you do anything affectionate, sexual, etc.

Sometimes I see a guy has a fantasy, or an idea of how he would like the evening to progress, and the one variable in it is his wife. That's because she doesn't know the script.

Sometimes you can recite the script and see if she likes it. Most of the time though, she doesn't want to know your script. She doesn't want a script at all--

go in with no pre-conceived notions of what is to ensue. Then LISTEN to what her words, eyes, and body tells you. Every second as you are expressing your desire, listen hard to what she is telling you about her desire. She needs to do the same.

I think it's the error married couples make. They stop listening--when they were dating and the early years--they were so IN TUNE.

[giotto]

ah, ah... if I stopped bothering MY wife about sex, we would never have sex... problem solved!

[tnttim]

ah, ah... if I stopped bothering MY wife about sex, we would never have sex... problem solved!

 

Honestly your biggest problem is you have no confidence, it leaks out into your posts. Your wife, or any woman can pick up on that in a second. Confidence is a huge turn on for women. You know those guys that spout out a stupid pick up line and gets the girl not because of what he said, but because he had the balls to say it.

[tnttim]

YYG, you're right listening is very important, but you have to know what to do with the info you get. I've also found out that if I relieve my wife from pain, then praise her about what she's proud of, I score big time. Yesterday she was adamant about no sex, and even asked me if I was mad. I said I was cool, sex was no longer at the top of my list. Then I said How I love how real she is, and how most females are fakes. She ended up cuddling with me, ehich hardly ever happened before. Then I realized another big step I made. Every time in the past I would try to score with her when we cuddled, so she stopped liking it because it was linked to sex always. I used to get mad that we didn;t cuddle anymore, but now I understand why.

[giotto]

Honestly your biggest problem is you have no confidence, it leaks out into your posts. Your wife, or any woman can pick up on that in a second. Confidence is a huge turn on for women. You know those guys that spout out a stupid pick up line and gets the girl not because of what he said, but because he had the balls to say it.

 

you might be right... but you know, I tried that trick and it just didn't work... my wife was just very happy about it... not to have sex for many weeks... I only got the sex back by packing my bags... then the tune changed. Does that count as having balls?

[You Go Girl]

YYG, you're right listening is very important, but you have to know what to do with the info you get. I've also found out that if I relieve my wife from pain, then praise her about what she's proud of, I score big time. Yesterday she was adamant about no sex, and even asked me if I was mad. I said I was cool, sex was no longer at the top of my list. Then I said How I love how real she is, and how most females are fakes. She ended up cuddling with me, ehich hardly ever happened before. Then I realized another big step I made. Every time in the past I would try to score with her when we cuddled, so she stopped liking it because it was linked to sex always. I used to get mad that we didn;t cuddle anymore, but now I understand why.

 

Excellent!

Another thing to do is: when she's at her computer ignoring you--in the internet age we all seem to have long bouts at the puter--

simply walk up behind her, pull back her hair, kiss her neck, give her a shoulder massage.

The female species really loves affection that isn't always tied to sex. My feelings are that this type of affection will result in better sex later. Women really love it when you touch their hair and nape of their neck, it gives them goosebumps. There's some nerve at the top of the spine--wow!

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry, I didn't read all of the OP but just want to make a small comment on what I did read. Pleasing anyone is finding out what they want and trying to learn to do whatever that is in a way that they really value. Pleasing someone else is not about doing what you think they should respond to.

 

For example, I've had women who have given me head but the dynamic seemed to be all about their indulgence of themselves and their "expectation" that what they do "should be" what I want and the way I want it. Some think they were so exciting that I'd just come in their mouth a minute in. I really don't like that. If it persists, I move on. I've only had long term relationships with women who get used to the fact that we both should expect to learn what we like and the way we like it and make progress doing what they want.

 

Personally I wince at cumminmg "inside" the upstairs or downstairs orifices and I love having a girl put a finger or vibrator up my butt and pull it out slow while I come. If she's all fixated on how she likes to swallow and freaks out about the enjoyment of my prostate stimulation through the butt hole, it'd really be all about her having it all her way. So why should I take cues from her and try to be good at what she likes? In other words I expect to change to accommodate her. I deserve to be thought of the same way. Otherwise we're just two people trying to monopolize the experience. That's a power dynamic that gets old fast.

Edited May 9, 2010 by Feelin Frisky

[JamesM]

Honestly your biggest problem is you have no confidence, it leaks out into your posts. Your wife, or any woman can pick up on that in a second. Confidence is a huge turn on for women. You know those guys that spout out a stupid pick up line and gets the girl not because of what he said, but because he had the balls to say it.

 

For many men in a long term marriage that slowly turns sexless, the result is a big blow to his level of confidence. Even the most confident guy loses courage and begins to feel insecure when he is turned down time after time.

 

Saying someone has "no balls" when we have not walked twenty years in his shoes shows little understanding for what he has endured and what has brought him to this position.

 

The best way IMO for someone who has lost his confidence to regain some confidence back is by somehow taking back the control of the sex life. How that can be done is very individualistic to each person's relationship.

 

 

 

Example of why not asking the wife for sex does not mean she will then ask you for sex....it is like not offering food to a person who is not hungry. As long as that person is not hungry, then he or she will have zero interest in food. The only way the person will miss the offer of food is when he or she is finally hungry.

 

So in a sexless marriage. As long as one partner has no desire for sex, then asking or not asking will have little effect on the lack of libido.

 

Perhaps I see it wrong.

[giotto]

Example of why not asking the wife for sex does not mean she will then ask you for sex....it is like not offering food to a person who is not hungry. As long as that person is not hungry, then he or she will have zero interest in food. The only way the person will miss the offer of food is when he or she is finally hungry.

 

So in a sexless marriage. As long as one partner has no desire for sex, then asking or not asking will have little effect on the lack of libido.

 

Perhaps I see it wrong.

 

No, you don't see it wrong... the thing is, we are talking about two completely different scenarios here. The strategy tnttim advocates implies that the wife has libido, but she is not prepared to have sex with her husband for whatever reason (too beta, too alpha, lack of communication, etc.). I'm sure in these cases tnttim's approach can work. But if the wife has no drive, there is no point in letting go hoping that she might all of the sudden desire you. She won't. She will be happy to have sex every 3 months or so (if you are lucky). It's important in these cases to talk frankly and reach a compromise. It's the only solution... apart from packing your bags and leave, obviously...

[tnttim]

No, you don't see it wrong... the thing is, we are talking about two completely different scenarios here. The strategy tnttim advocates implies that the wife has libido, but she is not prepared to have sex with her husband for whatever reason (too beta, too alpha, lack of communication, etc.). I'm sure in these cases tnttim's approach can work. But if the wife has no drive, there is no point in letting go hoping that she might all of the sudden desire you. She won't. She will be happy to have sex every 3 months or so (if you are lucky). It's important in these cases to talk frankly and reach a compromise. It's the only solution... apart from packing your bags and leave, obviously...

 

Whoa, whoa, you think your wife has no sex drive. That's just the easy answer, blaming the other person. So if the man of her dreams walked into the bedroom, your gonna tell me that she would have no sex drive for him, seriously. Do you think your approaches for sex would work on someone else besides your wife? Really?

 

Let me try to break it down for you, this if from a typical wife's perspective, this is over the course of time.

 

My husband keeps approaching me for sex when I am either not in the mood, or there is no place to have sex. I have gotten in the routine of turning him down so much that I think it's turning into a habit. When I turn him down I can tell he's angry. He doesn't realize that sex is fun for me too, but only when there is a good time, and good place to have sex. Now when he approaches me the same old way, I have subconscious negative feelings tied to it, so even if I was horny, the negative feelings turned me off. I love my husband and want to please him, but I don't want sex to define my love for him. I feel like a sexual object when he consistently approaches me, knowing full well I am not receptive. I want to have sex with him sometimes just to shut him up, or so he stops pestering me for it, I fear this will be become a habit as well. He tells me I have no sex drive, and I'm starting to believe it. I guess it happens to everybody in a long relationship.

 

What would you do to try to fix the above situation? You can't leave, or cheat, you have to fix the above problem with your wife.

 

I will break it down, and post my response later. I really hope this helps you see the bigger picture.

Edited May 10, 2010 by tnttim

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

I love my husband and want to please him, but I don't want sex to define my love for him.

This is valid. Do you accept that there are women for whom this is not. That they don't want to have sex with their husband no matter what?

 

I think the "man of her dreams" scenario is unrealistic: it's like saying "Would you have buckets more enthusiasm for your job if it paid ten times as much and didn't have all the mundane bits that you don't enjoy?" Of course you would, but it isn't going to attract ten times the remuneration and the mundane bits have to be there too, so it isn't a helpful, real world solution.

[JamesM]

Whoa, whoa, you think your wife has no sex drive.

 

Yes...or rather a lower sex drive than I have. And I have found that I do not have a high sex drive. If once a week or four times a month is all that I need for a satisfying sex life, then according to most here, I have a low libido.

 

That's just the easy answer, blaming the other person.

 

No, that is the answer reached after many many attempts and many different solutions tried. It is not an easy answer. It certainly is NOT placing the blame only on the other person. In fact, I would rather that I could blame myself for then I could find an answer quicker. Changing myself is not easy, but changing her is almost impossible.

 

So if the man of her dreams walked into the bedroom, your gonna tell me that she would have no sex drive for him, seriously.

 

First of all, the assumption is that her husband is NOT the man of her dreams.

 

Second, it makes the assumption that she is lying about her lack of libido. And this means that she is not trying to fix the marriage or even leave the marriage. She simply retains the control of withholding sex.

 

And seriously....as husbands who ask that question to her and receive the answer that "There is no one else" and "I don't feel that for anyone else"...we can only answer with what we have been told.

 

As a husband who has doubted this answer many times and yet received nothing different, then I can only say yes, I believe this to be true.

 

However, IMO it is cruel of you to play on the insecurities of any man or woman who is in a marriage with a low libido partner. Anyone (man or woman) who faces this issue and who has tried many changes and ways to fix this has questioned him or herself over and over.

 

I am guessing that many of these would almost welcome finding that their partner HAD found another person who satisfied them sexually. It would at least give them an answer.

 

Do you think your approaches for sex would work on someone else besides your wife? Really?

 

Yes....really. And many people in such a marriage do choose an affair because they want an answer to that question, because at least if they discover the answer about their own sexual prowess, then they can move forward with more or less confidence.

 

Let me try to break it down for you, this if from a typical wife's perspective, this is over the course of time.

 

Who is this "typical" wife? Could you provide a link to this story?

 

 

What would you do to try to fix the above situation? You can't leave, or cheat, you have to fix the above problem with your wife.

 

First of all, if my wife actually communicated all of that to me, then I would feel like I have something to go on. Part of the problem in low sex marriages is that the one who controls the sex does NOT communicate the problems from his or her side.

 

Second, if I knew that information, then I have no problem doing what it took to be understanding of my wife and her time of interest for sex. Being that we have great communication about everything else, then the only barrier to great communication in the sex department is either fear or frustration. Fear that the message will not be received openly and with understanding. Frustration that the message is ignored or doesn't bring change.

 

Third, I would give over to her the initiative for sex. She has the choice when we have sex. And yes, I have done that without any expectation of sex...for more than four months at a shot.

 

I will break it down, and post my response later. I really hope this helps you see the bigger picture.

 

There are many "bigger" pictures. Unless you have dealt with a wife who truly has a low libido, then please don't assume that your response will be the cure all for sexless marriages the world over.

 

Read the many stories at the below link. Do you truly think that these are people whose partner simply has no sexual attraction to them? Do you really think that your solution will change their lives?

http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/bsexlessmarriage

 

Again, I am sure that your answer can fix some marriages that have the problems that you had or similar to them, but in a marriage with different reasons (medical, psychological past issues, hormonal) this forgoing of sex will do nothing but bring the low libido partner relief and the one who misses a close sexual and intimate relationship in his or her marriage more frustration.

[tnttim]

James M. nothing will work for you right now, even the greatest technique known to man because you have made up your mind that you can't fix the situation. Every single post you make is about how it's you wife's fault, or women in general, and the fact you believe that is your biggest downfall. You want to be right about your assumption, and your mind will create the facts that you are right. That's how our mind works, we never want to be wrong, that includes me as well.

 

Explain this to me then, I was exactly like you, wife acted like your wife. I said it was her low sex drive, then she affirmed my belief by saying it directly. Then I changed my attitude, my approach, and my view of sex. Now she has turned into the women of my dreams again, why? Because i changed into the man of hers first.

 

The first thing you need to do is wipe the slate clean with her, start acting like she is a prospective date instead of your wife. What do you have to lose.

[mem11363]

In a marriage of equals neither partner casually starves the other of a core emotional need for an extended time period. Because by definition doing so, ultimately ends the marriage.

 

In a sexless marriage one of two things has almost always happened:

1. The emotionally stronger partner has decided that the emotional needs of the weaker partner simply don't matter AND the emotionally weaker partner is willing to tolerate this situation for a long (sometimes forever) period of time. The weaker partner vents/complains but is ultimately not willing to take the steps necessary to regain some semblance of balance in the marriage.

 

2. The LD partner isn't driven by an absence of libido, but rather they have an actual sexual aversion. In this case - like what Lizzie describes from her first marriage - there is true love, but the sexual aversion is so strong it is simply not something the averse partner can overcome.

 

 

 

 

Yes...or rather a lower sex drive than I have. And I have found that I do not have a high sex drive. If once a week or four times a month is all that I need for a satisfying sex life, then according to most here, I have a low libido.

 

 

 

No, that is the answer reached after many many attempts and many different solutions tried. It is not an easy answer. It certainly is NOT placing the blame only on the other person. In fact, I would rather that I could blame myself for then I could find an answer quicker. Changing myself is not easy, but changing her is almost impossible.

 

 

 

First of all, the assumption is that her husband is NOT the man of her dreams.

 

Second, it makes the assumption that she is lying about her lack of libido. And this means that she is not trying to fix the marriage or even leave the marriage. She simply retains the control of withholding sex.

 

And seriously....as husbands who ask that question to her and receive the answer that "There is no one else" and "I don't feel that for anyone else"...we can only answer with what we have been told.

 

As a husband who has doubted this answer many times and yet received nothing different, then I can only say yes, I believe this to be true.

 

However, IMO it is cruel of you to play on the insecurities of any man or woman who is in a marriage with a low libido partner. Anyone (man or woman) who faces this issue and who has tried many changes and ways to fix this has questioned him or herself over and over.

 

I am guessing that many of these would almost welcome finding that their partner HAD found another person who satisfied them sexually. It would at least give them an answer.

 

 

 

Yes....really. And many people in such a marriage do choose an affair because they want an answer to that question, because at least if they discover the answer about their own sexual prowess, then they can move forward with more or less confidence.

 

 

 

Who is this "typical" wife? Could you provide a link to this story?

 

 

 

 

First of all, if my wife actually communicated all of that to me, then I would feel like I have something to go on. Part of the problem in low sex marriages is that the one who controls the sex does NOT communicate the problems from his or her side.

 

Second, if I knew that information, then I have no problem doing what it took to be understanding of my wife and her time of interest for sex. Being that we have great communication about everything else, then the only barrier to great communication in the sex department is either fear or frustration. Fear that the message will not be received openly and with understanding. Frustration that the message is ignored or doesn't bring change.

 

Third, I would give over to her the initiative for sex. She has the choice when we have sex. And yes, I have done that without any expectation of sex...for more than four months at a shot.

 

 

 

There are many "bigger" pictures. Unless you have dealt with a wife who truly has a low libido, then please don't assume that your response will be the cure all for sexless marriages the world over.

 

Read the many stories at the below link. Do you truly think that these are people whose partner simply has no sexual attraction to them? Do you really think that your solution will change their lives?

http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/bsexlessmarriage

 

Again, I am sure that your answer can fix some marriages that have the problems that you had or similar to them, but in a marriage with different reasons (medical, psychological past issues, hormonal) this forgoing of sex will do nothing but bring the low libido partner relief and the one who misses a close sexual and intimate relationship in his or her marriage more frustration.

Edited May 10, 2010 by mem11363

[giotto]

she has no libido because she is on ADs... she takes ADs for her own issues... she is trying to solve them, but she can't at the moment... tell me what you would do...

[tnttim]

H V. Where in my post did I say I stopped having balls in my relationship? Of course we still fight, bicker, and complain about each other. In fact if that part stopped, our M would be over.

 

Have you followed any advice on here yet? If so, has your situation improved?

 

Giotto. My wife is on ADs too. What is your wife taking? I have heard some are really bad libido killers. The only thing I think of is trying supplements that increase libido. I'm sure there is a wealth of information on the web about ADs and sexual dysfunction. Since your wife is game have her look with you and find the solution as a couple. I have a couple of e books that show you how to appeal to her sexual side, and sexual health does have to be there before any of them will work. Since you got nothing to lose I would try one, and there are some pretty eye opening ideas in them.

[JamesM]

James M. nothing will work for you right now, even the greatest technique known to man because you have made up your mind that you can't fix the situation.

 

You misread what I have posted then. I have not given up trying to fix the situation. However, I can say that I have tried many things. Some have worked, and others have not.

 

My mind HAS been made up now that despite or in spite of our sex life, I WANT to stay married to my wife. Since our sex life has been better this year and it shows improvement, then something is helping. And honestly, I am thinking more that my wife has decided to initiate change. Do I base that I something I have done? I wish. The only thing I have done is simply forget about sex with her. I have not treated her any different IMO.

 

So perhaps you are right.

 

 

Every single post you make is about how it's you wife's fault, or women in general, and the fact you believe that is your biggest downfall.

 

Serious? Every SINGLE post?

 

Wow, I have really come off differently than I think if this is the case. I believe that if a woman has a low libido due to medical reasons then yes, it is obviously her "fault," but I do not think that this is the case in general or with all women. I do not think that sexless marriages are the fault of women. If anything, I blame the lack of sex in sexless marriages on the low libido partner.

 

And in many cases, (and I have always believed this including with my own), the lack of sex can be "blamed" also on the person with the high drive. A lack of consideration for the partner beyond simply sex will cause that person to think they are only a receptacle for satisfaction and that sex is not a mutual expression of love.

 

In my own marriage, I can say that I have looked at every possibility including my own lack of sexual prowess. I do not believe that I am some sexual athlete that if with another woman, would be some great stud. In fact, I think I am much less experienced than many men. (of course, I could say that part of this is due to a lack of practice). However, if my techniques have been sufficient in the past to give her orgasms (and still do), then I have to conclude my lack of skills is not the main reason.

 

What I have said is that I can only go by what is told to me. As was said here or on another thread, after awhile the games people play become tiresome. Open communication about all problems in marriage is critical to the success of the marriage.

 

I know my wife has a libido on occasion. Just a couple of nights ago we experienced quite a good time. I also know that many issues do come up that minimize her interest in sex including pain and being tired. If you would take the time to read just part of this link, then you can see that being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, my wife may have less energy for sex than many women. I know that this is at the root of many of OUR problems...not all of the time, but yes, many are the day that reaches the end has nothing left for sex...even if she feels a small desire.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/ds00079

 

 

You want to be right about your assumption, and your mind will create the facts that you are right. That's how our mind works, we never want to be wrong, that includes me as well.

 

If I were wrong, then I would admit it.

 

Seriously, if you go back through my many posts here, then you would find that I have gone from one end of the spectrum to another, and I admit quite readily that I may reach a different conclusion in the future.

 

Explain this to me then, I was exactly like you, wife acted like your wife.

 

You have not been exactly like me. I never have made sex a scheduled task. I have never demanded sex...never. I may have gotten mad after WEEKS or MONTHS without sex but I have never demanded that she simply satisfy. In fact, I didn't want sex if it is was only about me, and that was a problem that I needed to overcome.

 

And while I know you are rolling your eyes and simply ignoring what I am saying, what frustrated me the most is that any approach I tried caused no change and to her seemed to be only about sex even when as you, I put the thought on the back burner.

 

Why you say you are like me, I don't know. And from what I read, your wife is not like mine. Has your wife been sexually abused? Has your wife been diagnosed with an illness that gives her pain every day in smaller or greater amounts? While you say your wife was on ADs, was it for years? Does your wife take pain medications every day just to enjoy life? And I could go on.

 

If I could simply change my approach and cause her libido to return, then I would. And if like you simply not asking for sex (which I don't anyhow) would cause her to wonder why, then I would.

 

Like Giotto said, not asking for sex gives her relief.

 

I said it was her low sex drive, then she affirmed my belief by saying it directly.

 

In my case, I did blame myself. I said over and over that it was how good or bad I was in bed. I can honestly say that since she had had a higher libido, I felt for the longest time...all I needed to be was a better lover. (There are some fascinating techniques out there. )

 

Actually, SHE was the one who first brought up her having a low libido as a possibility, and she was the one who first suggested that I look up antidepressants and low libido. This was an eye opener for me. Since this was a correlation with our slowing sex life, I took this to be the case. Some research has shown that ADs do cause quite an impact on the sex life. I know of a friend (a guy) who takes ADs, and it has lowered HIS libido. It is not just women that experience this.

 

I would much rather that she did NOT have a low sex drive and that it was related to something that I could do. Seriously. Changing me is easier than changing her.

 

 

The first thing you need to do is wipe the slate clean with her, start acting like she is a prospective date instead of your wife. What do you have to lose.

 

Since this is an anonymous forum and what I say will sound as if I have been doing the right thing, then truthfully, the only person who could give you an honest answer to this is...my wife. And she won't be doing that.

 

All I can say is that we do spend as much time together as possible. There are times that I prefer to be at my computer versus talking with her. There are times that she prefers watching some show rather than sitting by me. If we have a weakness in our relationship (and I know there is more), then it would be that we do have our times that we want to be alone.

 

However, at least once a week, we have a lunch date. We do not have many evening dates due to our schedules right now. We both do alot of hugging and kissing. We talk about everything...even the lack of sex on occasion. In a couple of months, then we will be spending twice as much time together as I will be working less. (Although in the past, I can say that more time together has not equaled a better sex life.)

 

She calls me every morning and asks me how I am doing. We talk about our day and what we have planned. We schedule lunches together or plan our evening. She asks what I would like for dinner or she tells me what she has planned. She reminds me of what the kids have going on. And if during the day she has a question, she calls and asks it...as I do her.

 

I will not say that we have a perfect marriage by any means, but I can say that we both would say that we have a great friendship. That is probably our biggest asset.

 

I have no qualms to say here and to her...she is the love of my life, and after being married over twenty years, I see no one else I would rather be with. She is my best friend and the one I can communicate pretty much everything with. I know that she feels the same way.

 

When I look at her, I DO see her as someone I still want to date. If I had an evening free, then I either want to spend it out alone for a couple of hours or better yet, I would like to get a babysitter and take her out.

 

BUT...I am realistic. I know that I could always improve.

 

 

 

If I did not love my wife with all of my heart, then I can say that I would never have gone through all of this "trouble" to solve our problems in our marriage. If she were not my best friend, then I would have found another friend.

 

She may have a low libido and it may be related to past abuse, present medical issues or medications, but I am not stubborn enough to think that I am not contributing to her lack of interest in sex.

 

And I apologize where I have come off appearing that a lack of sex in marriage is the fault of all women in general. I do not feel that nor I don't think I have ever felt that way.

 

What I have said to you and others is....the "treat your wife as a date" method is not always the method that will work when you complicate the situation with medical and past emotional/abuse issues. If sex was used as a control mechanism when a woman was a child, then sex cannot suddenly be thought of as an expression of love as an adult. Even after this many years (and after counseling), it can trigger memories that are not pleasant. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Some of us have literally prayed for an answer that would indicate that a change in how we acted towards the low sex drive partner would bring back the sex life. After reading dozens of books (actually over a hundred) about marriage and sex, and after researching every possible reason for a low libido, I can say that it is a complicated subject.

 

Changing the higher sex drive partner to make the lower sex drive partner feel more desirable or more wanted as a person an not as a sex object certainly works for some, but in other cases, it takes other a totally different approach.

Edited May 11, 2010 by JamesM

[giotto]

 

Giotto. My wife is on ADs too. What is your wife taking? I have heard some are really bad libido killers. The only thing I think of is trying supplements that increase libido. I'm sure there is a wealth of information on the web about ADs and sexual dysfunction. Since your wife is game have her look with you and find the solution as a couple. I have a couple of e books that show you how to appeal to her sexual side, and sexual health does have to be there before any of them will work. Since you got nothing to lose I would try one, and there are some pretty eye opening ideas in them.

 

She is on paroxetine (Seroxat). She says they work for her so she is not at all inclined to change them... I understand... her mental health must come first...

[JamesM]

She is on paroxetine (Seroxat). She says they work for her so she is not at all inclined to change them... I understand... her mental health must come first...

 

paroxetine = Paxil in the US

 

And I agree with the highlighted part. This is part of the frustration when a partner uses an AD and it works. Suggesting that he or she use a different one simply because it will make him or her more interested in sex comes off as selfish and uncaring.

 

My wife did try bupropion/Welbutrin (which is the main one that theoretically doesn't affect the libido), and it did not work as well. I don't think it really made a big difference regarding her libido...maybe some...but it did not work as effectively. (BTW, she doesn't take ADs anymore and hasn't for a year or more. Getting off late shifts made a difference.)

 

This reminds me of a conversation we had once regarding hormone therapy for low libidos. She asked me if I would want her to take hormones for her libido knowing that it increased her risk for cancer. Of course, I answered no.

 

The point is...if a partner needs medication and the medication helps that person either by making them better or helping them cope, then how can a person suggest that they no longer use the medication because he or she wants more sex?

 

Simple...can't. And as someone who should cherish and love the person they married, then as giotto said, her health (mental and physical) should come first. Frustrating as it is, a low libido IMO is much much better than either an unhealthy/unhappy wife or a dead wife.

 

I can say that our sex life has improved gradually (schedules permitting) since she no longer works the late shift. Perhaps it is because she is happier mentally and healthier physically (as she says is part of the reason) or (and I think this plays a role, too), we have had an opportunity to become better acquainted.

 

Sometimes like tntim, a change in personality and behavior is all that is needed. Other times it is more complicated and involves schedule changes, medication changes, and individual counseling for either or both partners.

Edited May 12, 2010 by JamesM