How I got MY wife into sex

[mem11363]

This has worked for me for years and years. I DATE my wife. I AM conscious of the balance of effort. And I find that when we both give each other a hard time in a fun and playful manner - that makes for a great day.

 

I do a lot of kind, thoughtful things for my wife. But I mix in enough rough play - verbal - physical - hey she gives every bit as good as she gets - that it does feel like we are still dating. And not 2 hours a week Friday night - it feels like a date more days than not.

 

A little conflict - ok - sometimes more than a little - and a little space - sometimes more then a little - creates a lot of passion.

 

 

 

I'd also like to also go over a few other things I threw in the mix that appear to have gotten some reaction.

 

Creating separation:

 

 

When we were dating/engaged, she would always long for me to cuddle her while we went to sleep. I'd do it, but sometimes it just got too uncomfortable (hot, arm falling sleep,etc.) so it wasn't like it was an every night thing. I have no idea how that changed, but after we got married I was all about cuddling her every night and it didn't bother me at all anymore.

 

So I decided about a week or so ago to stay on my side of the bed and let her come to me. I also cut down the frequency of kisses and hugs and let he breathe for the most part. I stopped saying "I love you" so much, and sometimes when she said it to me I'd just smile or give her a wink instead of saying it right back. We aslo text pretty frequently, so I'd go hours at a time without responding unless it was a pressing matter.

 

I gotta say...this worked WONDERS. Don't get me wrong now, I didn't turn into some *******. I love my wife and whenever I express it or give her time I do it sincerely. I just felt like I was doing the "good husband" thing and cuddling her every few minutes and asking for kisses and saying I love you a lot, so by creating that seperation it gave these displays of affection more power and meaning and gave her time to miss me.

 

These past few days she's been clingy (In a very good way), more attracted to me (looked like she wanted to eat me alive when I popped up at her job to bring her lunch and whispered what she wanted to do to me later), and a lot more affectionate. She now comes to me and cuddles up instead of me being the one to initiate it.

 

She texted me a few days ago saying she wanted sex tonight and I didn't respond for a few hours so when I finally did, she said the mood passed so she didn't wanna do it anymore. My response? "Your loss." She didn't know how to act! She was used to me asking and jumping at opportunities so by not sweating a missed opportunity I think the balance of power begins to even out so that I'm not such a sad little horny puppy.

 

 

Another point, STOP MASTURBATING! (Or cut down...):

 

If you think of your wife as your only means of release then it'll mean more to you so there will be no wishy washy half-hearted attempts at initiating sex because you're not really all that horny. (These type of half ass, passive aggressive attempts aren't going to turn her on. That's like offering a cold balogna sandwich for lunch).

 

It'll also keep the testosterone levels high which she'll sense and will help you out in the confidence department (which is key). And when the sex does happen it'll be raw and animalistic instead of ehhh, I'm not really horny but why not? And if you knock her socks off and dominate her in bed then she'll be turned on and remember that.

 

Results may vary, but these two things have been working for me. Even outside of the bedroom I just get a vibe that we're connecting more much like we did in the beginning of the relationship. I'm going to keep implementing techniques and listening to ways to please her while also making her more drawn to me.

[Jack & Coke]

JamesM,

 

Don't misunderstand my use of the word "games." We don't torment each other or mentally abuse each other, I guess what I mean is that I'm taking it back to the dating days, much like MEM said. You know, the little things like playing hard to get, not appearing too anxious, etc.

 

I honestly don't see a problem with that every now and then when needed. It keeps the passion in the relationship and makes you both feel like you need to earn it and don't take each other for granted. Meaning just because we have rings on our finger doesn't mean we should forget the things that got us here, and we should still do little things to turn each other on instead of sex just being a requirement. Sure, it IS a requirement, but keep the environment like you are still dating and the passion stays.

 

And trust, I'm not just doing this in an attempt to "get sex" from my wife, so I don't think it's unhealthy. I think it makes us more attractive to each other.

[Jack & Coke]

Just a thought, these last two tips are merely passing on what I noticed might work and without a second thought you chose to see the possible negative side or how they could get shot down. Why so pessimistic?

[Honorable_Venerable]

Just a thought, these last two tips are merely passing on what I noticed might work and without a second thought you chose to see the possible negative side or how they could get shot down. Why so pessimistic?

First, because we KNOW how they WILL get shot down;

Second, if someone says "I know a tip on robbing peoples' houses that I found works really well", doesn't mean that robbing houses is right. Similarly, just bcause there's a way of scamming, cheating and conning someone into doing sexual things for you, it doesn't make it something to do in a relationship you want to exist on the basis of love and trust.

[Jack & Coke]

First, because we KNOW how they WILL get shot down;

Second, if someone says "I know a tip on robbing peoples' houses that I found works really well", doesn't mean that robbing houses is right. Similarly, just bcause there's a way of scamming, cheating and conning someone into doing sexual things for you, it doesn't make it something to do in a relationship you want to exist on the basis of love and trust.

 

You know they will get shot down by YOUR wives. You're speaking for everyone as if the advice won't work for anybody. I shared those tips not as fool-proof methods that will work for any and every relationship, but as something I've seen work for me that may work for someone else.

 

And I don't see how giving your wife some space and not whacking off are examples of "scamming, cheating and conning."

[JamesM]

Just a thought, these last two tips are merely passing on what I noticed might work and without a second thought you chose to see the possible negative side or how they could get shot down. Why so pessimistic?

 

First off, I did give them more than one thought.

 

Second, I do believe that they will work for some.

 

Third, I honestly can say that I have done similar "games" and have found some short term success. Read my past threads and you will find one back in 2006 where we had passionate sex for about six months. And yet eventually, the "games" became the norm and things went back to as they were almost. The root of the problem had not been changed for us...which I grant certainly may not be you.

 

My concern is that with every technique and "game" time is the best measure of success. Short term success does not guarantee long term success. Marriages that make five years are not guaranteed to make twenty years. And twenty year marriages are not guaranteed to make fifty. The point is...IMO when sharing things that have worked, it may be wise to indicate how long such a method has been used and shown success. It is helpful to your readers.

 

I see the negative only as a way to add caution.

[JamesM]

JamesM,

 

Don't misunderstand my use of the word "games." We don't torment each other or mentally abuse each other, I guess what I mean is that I'm taking it back to the dating days, much like MEM said. You know, the little things like playing hard to get, not appearing too anxious, etc.

 

I honestly don't see a problem with that every now and then when needed.

 

Games people play may be helpful if they are utilized for the benefit of the marriage and not necessarily the individual. If changes are made and methods are tried as a way for an individual to get what he or she wants without concern for the desires or needs of the partner, then these "games" will be detrimental to the long term success of the marriage even if they show short term success.

 

And I say that from experience.

 

Using "games" as a way to enhance the marriage for both partners is not only good but necessary. However, if secrecy is used more than honesty and openness, then I question whether it is more beneficial than a heart to heart talk.

[mem11363]

J&C,

Perfect. Very similar to my MO. I do want to briefly address the testosterone issue as it is really important. Married men on average have lower testosterone levels than unmarried men. This tends to reduce that edgy masculinity she first found so attractive in you. Thing is - it drops gradually so she isn't sure what exactly is happening. In fact - she is conflicted - you are nicer - which in a way she likes. But you are not so edgy/aggressive which causes her desire to fade. Almost impossible for her to tell you what she wants - because she isn't sure. She doesn't want to tell you to be difficult/argumentative. But she actually DOES want you to be less dependent - for sure less clingy.

 

Over loving someone seems to result in a gradual loss of passion and frankly in many cases a loss of respect as well. Mildly "under loving" someone in quantity (while keeping the quality high) seems to produce exactly the opposite effect in many women.

 

As for whether this is a "game" - I have a simple view of that. We all want to be loved. We all want to desire our partners and be desired by them.

 

If being a little reserved, giving my wife space, restraining myself so that I am saying "I love you", hugging her, etc. a little less frequently than she does - produces desire in both directions. Than it is good for my marriage. If saying "I love you" or hugging her whenever I "feel like it", makes my wife feel emotionally claustrophobic, than it is selfish for me to act that way.

 

I view this as a strategy - not a game. It is no different than consciously deciding when to share more "intimate" information in the early part of dating. It is simply about restraint.

 

 

I'd also like to also go over a few other things I threw in the mix that appear to have gotten some reaction.

 

Creating separation:

 

 

When we were dating/engaged, she would always long for me to cuddle her while we went to sleep. I'd do it, but sometimes it just got too uncomfortable (hot, arm falling sleep,etc.) so it wasn't like it was an every night thing. I have no idea how that changed, but after we got married I was all about cuddling her every night and it didn't bother me at all anymore.

 

So I decided about a week or so ago to stay on my side of the bed and let her come to me. I also cut down the frequency of kisses and hugs and let he breathe for the most part. I stopped saying "I love you" so much, and sometimes when she said it to me I'd just smile or give her a wink instead of saying it right back. We aslo text pretty frequently, so I'd go hours at a time without responding unless it was a pressing matter.

 

I gotta say...this worked WONDERS. Don't get me wrong now, I didn't turn into some *******. I love my wife and whenever I express it or give her time I do it sincerely. I just felt like I was doing the "good husband" thing and cuddling her every few minutes and asking for kisses and saying I love you a lot, so by creating that seperation it gave these displays of affection more power and meaning and gave her time to miss me.

 

These past few days she's been clingy (In a very good way), more attracted to me (looked like she wanted to eat me alive when I popped up at her job to bring her lunch and whispered what she wanted to do to me later), and a lot more affectionate. She now comes to me and cuddles up instead of me being the one to initiate it.

 

She texted me a few days ago saying she wanted sex tonight and I didn't respond for a few hours so when I finally did, she said the mood passed so she didn't wanna do it anymore. My response? "Your loss." She didn't know how to act! She was used to me asking and jumping at opportunities so by not sweating a missed opportunity I think the balance of power begins to even out so that I'm not such a sad little horny puppy.

 

 

Another point, STOP MASTURBATING! (Or cut down...):

 

If you think of your wife as your only means of release then it'll mean more to you so there will be no wishy washy half-hearted attempts at initiating sex because you're not really all that horny. (These type of half ass, passive aggressive attempts aren't going to turn her on. That's like offering a cold balogna sandwich for lunch).

 

It'll also keep the testosterone levels high which she'll sense and will help you out in the confidence department (which is key). And when the sex does happen it'll be raw and animalistic instead of ehhh, I'm not really horny but why not? And if you knock her socks off and dominate her in bed then she'll be turned on and remember that.

 

Results may vary, but these two things have been working for me. Even outside of the bedroom I just get a vibe that we're connecting more much like we did in the beginning of the relationship. I'm going to keep implementing techniques and listening to ways to please her while also making her more drawn to me.

[mem11363]

You cannot help some people. For some reason the men getting the MOST jerked around by their wives often have the least willingness to do anything more than tell their wives they are frustrated.

 

Those guys try to twist anything you suggest into something that seems nasty.

 

 

You know they will get shot down by YOUR wives. You're speaking for everyone as if the advice won't work for anybody. I shared those tips not as fool-proof methods that will work for any and every relationship, but as something I've seen work for me that may work for someone else.

 

And I don't see how giving your wife some space and not whacking off are examples of "scamming, cheating and conning."

[xxoo]

I just felt like I was doing the "good husband" thing and cuddling her every few minutes and asking for kisses and saying I love you a lot, so by creating that seperation it gave these displays of affection more power and meaning and gave her time to miss me. .

 

If being a little reserved, giving my wife space, restraining myself so that I am saying "I love you", hugging her, etc. a little less frequently than she does - produces desire in both directions. Than it is good for my marriage. If saying "I love you" or hugging her whenever I "feel like it", makes my wife feel emotionally claustrophobic, than it is selfish for me to act that way.

 

I view this as a strategy - not a game. It is no different than consciously deciding when to share more "intimate" information in the early part of dating. It is simply about restraint.

 

It is so interesting reading these from a male perspective.

 

You are correct. It isn't a "game" to cut back on hugging, kissing, admiring, etc her if all that constant attention is bugging the crap out of her. And, yes, it can be too much. Easily.

 

That does not mean, of course, that we don't love to be hugged, kissed, admired, and wanted. It just means that, after a point, it ceases to feel sincere to us, it ceases to feel special to us, and we just need a little space. It stops feeling good, and actually becomes irritating. Do men really not feel the same way?

 

Backing off from unwanted attention-giving is not playing a game. It is being respectful, loving, and paying attention. And it is darned smart!

 

Now, I'm not sure about some of the other things I've read on this thread. But this part is 100% true fact

[giotto]

nah, it's still a game and if the wife has half a brain, she'll spot it after 22 seconds...

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

And I don't see how giving your wife some space and not whacking off are examples of "scamming, cheating and conning."

That's a fair point and you're absolutely right - it's the scamming about telling your wife the lies dressed up as truth to make her do things she doesn't want to to appear "normal" is what I was referring to.

[mem11363]

If only it were that simple. I do think that is a BIG piece of it. But typically part of the problem is a large imbalance in priorities. In many of these relationships she is by far his highest priority and he is very much NOT her highest priority. If you think about sex - on any given night each partner starts out in one of 3 states:

 

1. Aroused - they feel desire even though their partner has not done anything specifically to get them turned on

2. Sexually Neutral but arousable - they are not aroused, but if approached in the way they like, they can get aroused

3. Sexually impaired - they are either dead tired or in a bad emotional state or they flat out have a sexual aversion to their partner

 

Lets ignore the sexual aversion situations - they are rarely solvable. So most of the guys posting here about sexual starvation:

- They cannot read their wives well enough to know when W is in (3) and should be left alone sexually.

- They have not gotten their wives to teach them how to turn her on when she starts out in state 2. Sometimes because they haven't asked, sometimes because when they ask they get stonewalled.

- Their wives have the attitude that unless they start out in state 1, they are simply not going to have sex.

 

That last bullet tends to wreck the sexual interaction because the average wife is not in state 1 anywhere near as often as the average husband.

 

IMO - a good husband makes the effort to please their W. And vice versa.

 

"I'm tired" is a fine thing to say when it is sincere. But when it really means "I don't feel like making the effort to please you" - whole different story.

 

 

 

 

 

It is so interesting reading these from a male perspective.

 

You are correct. It isn't a "game" to cut back on hugging, kissing, admiring, etc her if all that constant attention is bugging the crap out of her. And, yes, it can be too much. Easily.

 

That does not mean, of course, that we don't love to be hugged, kissed, admired, and wanted. It just means that, after a point, it ceases to feel sincere to us, it ceases to feel special to us, and we just need a little space. It stops feeling good, and actually becomes irritating. Do men really not feel the same way?

 

Backing off from unwanted attention-giving is not playing a game. It is being respectful, loving, and paying attention. And it is darned smart!

 

Now, I'm not sure about some of the other things I've read on this thread. But this part is 100% true fact

[Jack & Coke]

First off, I did give them more than one thought.

 

Second, I do believe that they will work for some.

 

Third, I honestly can say that I have done similar "games" and have found some short term success. Read my past threads and you will find one back in 2006 where we had passionate sex for about six months. And yet eventually, the "games" became the norm and things went back to as they were almost. The root of the problem had not been changed for us...which I grant certainly may not be you.

 

My concern is that with every technique and "game" time is the best measure of success. Short term success does not guarantee long term success. Marriages that make five years are not guaranteed to make twenty years. And twenty year marriages are not guaranteed to make fifty. The point is...IMO when sharing things that have worked, it may be wise to indicate how long such a method has been used and shown success. It is helpful to your readers.

 

I see the negative only as a way to add caution.

 

OK, I hear where you're coming from then. Makes perfect sense

[Jack & Coke]

Games people play may be helpful if they are utilized for the benefit of the marriage and not necessarily the individual. If changes are made and methods are tried as a way for an individual to get what he or she wants without concern for the desires or needs of the partner, then these "games" will be detrimental to the long term success of the marriage even if they show short term success.

 

And I say that from experience.

 

Using "games" as a way to enhance the marriage for both partners is not only good but necessary. However, if secrecy is used more than honesty and openness, then I question whether it is more beneficial than a heart to heart talk.

 

The bolded sums up my point for everything I've said in this thread. I'm doing it to create the feel that we're dating again, which in turn makes things hotter for both of us hopefully.

[Jack & Coke]

MEM,

 

Glad you feel where I'm coming from. These types of things should seriously be taught to every man who is about to get married.

 

I definitely believe the testosterone drop aspect you mentioned, because early on I felt like I lost my "mojo" and couldn't quite figure out why or how to get it back. And being a newlywed of course you want to start off on the right foot and be the "good husband" like I mentioned, so mix that with an expectation of "COOL, we're married now so this means I'm about to get all the sex in the world" (without putting in the same type of work that got you there) and it's a formula for disappointment.

 

And I also couldn't agree more about women not knowing how to express what she wants or even knowing what she wants. Though the quantity dropped, we still had good sex. My wife would even ask from time to time why we aren't having more, even though I was getting rejected left and right.

 

Now that I know what I know it seems so much like common sense that it's scary.

[Phateless]

Some know my story and some don't, but here is a brief breakdown that pertains to this thread.

 

I turned my sex life with wife into a scheduled task. I would demand sex, make her feel like it was her fault, and get mad if she said no. I was convinced that my wife had a low sex drive, or just accepted that 12 years with same person just does that to you.

 

That was the first thing I did, I smashed all of my old beliefs and ideals. I started to look at my wife as a date instead. Then I would think of all the ways I approached her for sex and decide if it would work on a date. Well after 50 no's in a row, I started to see a trend. It was me, not her, my deeper thought was it was her perception of me, and my view towards sex. Sex was very important for me, it defined me as a man in a way. I was very centered around pleasing my wife which to me meant I was a better man. It gave me a lot of sexual hang ups, and ideals that I really could not measure up to. I was missing the female factor in the sex equation, feelings. Sex for a woman goes far beyond the O, and your technique. Yes both are important but are far from the whole picture for women.

 

So with that insight I started to change my thoughts and actions on sex. First I put it on the bottom of my mental list, meaning I could live without sex. I stopped initiating sex, and waited for my wife to do it because sex was the last thing on my mind for now. She held out for a few days then asked me why I didn't want to have sex, she thought it was her fault. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and it had nothing to do with her. Here's the wow factor, she started amping up her approach for sex, the same way I would when I got turned down. I wondered how could this be when I had no sexual value because of my past with her. Then I realized that since our separation I had changed a lot, and in essence I was a new man to her.

 

Then I thought besides the obvious what else is she getting out of sex, feelings. I think we all have the same feelings before, during and after sex. We accomplished a goal, we satisfied the other person, we felt accepted, we felt loved, we felt in control, we felt control from the other person, we felt sexy, we felt great. For sex to be good a lot of those feelings have to be felt, or then it's just average. Why am I mentioning this? Because often after a long relationship we forget about these feelings, and we forget about making the other person feel those feelings. So that was the second step, increase the good feelings before, during or after. You can learn a lot more about your sex life if you pay attention to your spouses feelings, and attitudes before and after. If they are not in high spirits then they may have an issue with sex with you. They might have old feelings attached to the act, and it actually depresses them after sex because those bad feelings are now a habit. So try your best to break that habit for them, use suggestions and praise. Find something they love doing and start talking about how great they are at it right after sex. Be consistent and then you'll notice they will start to be happier and happier after sex. Never stop paying attention at the critical times, you will learn a wealth of information, and can use the information to increase your response from sex.

 

Her little games, and how you can maximize your appeal. I used to think my wife was crazy, I know we all think that. I noticed that a lot of times my wife would do something off the wall, or say something I didn't understand. I used to react in a negative way, then I realized it was all a game to test me. She wanted to know where she stood and where I stood in the M, so she would give me little tests. So the third thing I did was stopping playing her games, when I knew it was a test. The best way to win a game like this is to not participate in the game at all. Women love men in control, power is a turn on for most, that's why when they have A's it's usually with a boss, or someone with power. So I took control in the relationship, and the only thing I could control was my feelings, and my actions. I stopped over reacting, I stopped trying to control her, and I took control when she wanted me to take control.

 

Turning her on. The final piece was turning her on, and getting her to initiate sex. I already mentioned how not wanting made her want it more, and made her increase her approach. but what's the thought process behind that. She felt that for the first time she was not worthy of having sex with me, her actions spoke the words. So now I turn her down from time to time, or I say that I was in the mood yesterday and then she did something to turn me off. I would be more social when I went out, and try to talk to at least 1 new person. This gave me the power of acceptance from my wife because if other people like me, than she wants to be associated with me. If the new person was female then I also gained sex appeal, because if another person wants your spouse, you naturally want them more. Also by having sex with me it proved she was sexier than the other female. I made a lot of friends and reconnected with some old ones, this also helped because it showed other people like to be my friend, and I mattered to other people. It showed I had compassion.

 

During sex I would make sure that it was a great performance, and I would change it up from time to time. Then every once in a while after a great performance from her I would say "damn you made my balls tingle, I'm not going to able to go to sleep now. I knew I picked a winner when I met you, I can just see it in you, you're glowing." Sorry so graphic but there is a point, women do not know what balls feel like, akin to men not knowing what a g spot orgasm feels like. So it levels the field because when a man has an orgasm the evidence is literally right in front of you, but she doesn't know if she made them tingle, get it. If the sex was lack luster I never commented on it, or expressed it to her. I knew that there were forces beyond my control and I let it be. I would also ignore all the presteps to sex, when she was fishing for a sexual comment from me. She might wear small shorts and prance around me waiting for me to react, I would just keep on doing what I was doing. Sometimes she would ask me directly, "Am I sexy." It was the hardest thing to do but I would not comment on it, and if I did I would be vague. That question is a game, and by not answering the question, I beat her at her own game. Women on deep level love men that can out game them, it's a turn on, it's a challenge. Remain steadfast in your approach and you will reap the benefits. I would also let her know that sex with me was a challenge, it had to be earned in a way. So I would say things like "if you keep that up I'll let you show me your seduction skills later." At first she would get pissed, but as time went on she would start taking on these challenges. Now when I say something like that she giggles like a school girl, she loves the feeling of the silly challenge.

 

support her when she wants support, leave her alone when she needs the time to think. Support her actions when she makes a decision, comfort her when she needs comfort. Compliment her on her passions, be in control of your emotions. Don't let every little speed bump in life slow you down. Don't let anyone change your mind, remain steadfast. Don't be scared to speak up, or put her in her place when she needs it.

 

Be the nicest ashole your wife could ever need.....................

 

Fact of the matter is that gender roles comfort people, and MOST (not all) women like a man who acts masculine. Congrats on getting your relationship on track.

[mem11363]

Jack,

And couple that with THIS little puzzle - no wonder so many divorces:

- Most of the time my W likes/wants me to be dominant in bed

- Mid-cycle she ALSO likes me to be rough

- When her desire is lowest - she wants totally gentle

 

Over time I learned all this stuff - but in the beginning I didn't have a clue.

 

 

MEM,

 

Glad you feel where I'm coming from. These types of things should seriously be taught to every man who is about to get married.

 

I definitely believe the testosterone drop aspect you mentioned, because early on I felt like I lost my "mojo" and couldn't quite figure out why or how to get it back. And being a newlywed of course you want to start off on the right foot and be the "good husband" like I mentioned, so mix that with an expectation of "COOL, we're married now so this means I'm about to get all the sex in the world" (without putting in the same type of work that got you there) and it's a formula for disappointment.

 

And I also couldn't agree more about women not knowing how to express what she wants or even knowing what she wants. Though the quantity dropped, we still had good sex. My wife would even ask from time to time why we aren't having more, even though I was getting rejected left and right.

 

Now that I know what I know it seems so much like common sense that it's scary.

[Jack & Coke]

 

Now, I'm not sure about some of the other things I've read on this thread. But this part is 100% true fact

 

What other things aren't you sure about? This thread is starting to heat up again so please share

[Jack & Coke]

Fact of the matter is that gender roles comfort people, and MOST (not all) women like a man who acts masculine. Congrats on getting your relationship on track.

 

 

Exactly. I think the wake up call for me was during a fun night of drinking with the wife, she playfully did something to mess with me and I responded by grabbing her arm and giving her a look. She said, "That's right, that's what I want! Don't ask, just take it!" or something along those lines.

 

It let me know to go back to my roots when I had that "edge." I haven't looked back and don't plan to.

[Phateless]

Exactly. I think the wake up call for me was during a fun night of drinking with the wife, she playfully did something to mess with me and I responded by grabbing her arm and giving her a look. She said, "That's right, that's what I want! Don't ask, just take it!" or something along those lines.

 

It let me know to go back to my roots when I had that "edge." I haven't looked back and don't plan to.

 

Mm hmm... when I was younger I was always afraid to be aggressive because I thought it was disrespectful or something like that. Now I know that if you read the signs correctly, women find it HOT when you can be dominant, push them up against the wall, gently pull their hair, kiss them hard, etc... I think my ex just wanted me to take control instead of being the whiny, insecure little bitch that I was.

[xxoo]

nah, it's still a game and if the wife has half a brain, she'll spot it after 22 seconds...

 

I gotta disagree, giotto. Paying attention to a person's personal boundaries, and backing off when attention is too much, is not playing games. To me, it is simply being kind, considerate, and confident (as opposed to needy, which is never appealing).

 

What other things aren't you sure about? This thread is starting to heat up again so please share

 

Mostly it is the attitude in some of the posts, but that may be a male/female thing.

 

I'm reading "create distance"--which sounds a bit like "punish her and she'll crave you more". What I feel is "give me some space!" (not a problem in my relationship, but something I realize H does well, and to his advantage). The space is a gift, not a punishment. I approach after some space because I feel refreshed and ready for intimacy....not because I am feeling rejected and need to feel wanted.

 

This is not the same thing as saying that you can treat a woman "too well", which sometimes overlaps with ideas to intentionally treat her poorly. The ideas copied from the book are disgusting to me. There is never a reason to treat a woman poorly.

[Jack & Coke]

Mm hmm... when I was younger I was always afraid to be aggressive because I thought it was disrespectful or something like that. Now I know that if you read the signs correctly, women find it HOT when you can be dominant, push them up against the wall, gently pull their hair, kiss them hard, etc... I think my ex just wanted me to take control instead of being the whiny, insecure little bitch that I was.

 

Haha right. And it takes a real man to admit these things to himself and make the right changes. It's a lot easier to just blame it entirely on the wife.

[mem11363]

I do not create space to punish. I create space so she doesn't feel crowded. She can have as much or as little space as she likes. Punishment would be if she approached me and asked me to do something and I brushed her off. I never do that. I like spending time with her - when she approaches me at night I smile at her.

 

Same with sexual attention. It would turn her off if I was constantly radiating sexual desire at her. It would make her anxious if I did it on the nights she was really tired or feeling emotionally off. Body language is every bit as real as the spoken word. So radiating body language that equates to saying: I want you, I really want you, when your spouse is clearly in a bad place, well that is very selfish. When younger and suffering a chronic case of testosterone poisoning I committed that sin frequently -

 

That said my wife has a little counter in her head keeps track of how many days since our last tryst. If it gets to day 5 she will initiate out of kindness. And if I can tell she is in a bad place - I make up some ludicrous excuse that makes her laugh and then usually the next day we connect.

 

 

 

I gotta disagree, giotto. Paying attention to a person's personal boundaries, and backing off when attention is too much, is not playing games. To me, it is simply being kind, considerate, and confident (as opposed to needy, which is never appealing).

 

 

 

Mostly it is the attitude in some of the posts, but that may be a male/female thing.

 

I'm reading "create distance"--which sounds a bit like "punish her and she'll crave you more". What I feel is "give me some space!" (not a problem in my relationship, but something I realize H does well, and to his advantage). The space is a gift, not a punishment. I approach after some space because I feel refreshed and ready for intimacy....not because I am feeling rejected and need to feel wanted.

 

This is not the same thing as saying that you can treat a woman "too well", which sometimes overlaps with ideas to intentionally treat her poorly. The ideas copied from the book are disgusting to me. There is never a reason to treat a woman poorly.

[xxoo]

Punishment would be if she approached me and asked me to do something and I brushed her off. I never do that. I like spending time with her - when she approaches me at night I smile at her.

 

That sounds like a very healthy approach.

 

The OP and the book he is recommending, however, recommend brushing off approaches sometimes, refusing to give compliments when directly asked, as well as strategically commenting on the attributes of other women, etc. I don't recommend those approaches.