Author tnttim Posted August 3, 2010 Author Share Posted August 3, 2010 8 months and it's still working................ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 3, 2010 Share Posted August 3, 2010 8 whole months eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted August 20, 2010 Author Share Posted August 20, 2010 8 whole months eh? Yes 8 whole months. When you read the whole post a lot of people were saying that their techniques fall short after a month. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 20, 2010 Share Posted August 20, 2010 Yes 8 whole months. When you read the whole post a lot of people were saying that their techniques fall short after a month. I must say I'm glad it worked for you... did for me for a short time and then wife got used to that as well and we are back to square one... it's not me, it's her head... Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted October 2, 2010 Share Posted October 2, 2010 Anyone have any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 I have learned that my W really likes mild physical violence. It is some hard wired sexual thing with her. She likes to punch - fortunately she focuses on upper body - arms - chest - etc. She does the occasional stomach shot - but I do enough situps for that to be workable. However she did come close to a "below the belt" shot last weekend. I just looked at her and said: "If you hit me below the belt I will pull your shorts/panties down and spank your bare ass. I know our parental generation had this saying that "this will hurt me more than it will hurt you" but I guarantee you that will not be the case here". All said with a completely normal volume and tone of voice. She just looked thoughtful for a moment. And proceeded to aim her punches higher. I will say - looking back that in terms of sexual value the last five years have yielded a gold mine of information: - The 20/25 pounds of upper body muscle mass I added creates some Harlequin romance sexual reaction in her - When she has been hammering me verbally for some perceived fuvkup or other and a specific situation arises where it is clear she had been being mildly hypocritical or it becomes crystal clear she has been flat out "in the wrong" on this topic - a gently humorous depiction of the situation resulting in both of us laughing hard is FAR superior to my prior approach which was: "sincere and intense righteous indignation mainly manifested as anger" - Encouraging her to be playfully violent, and letting her go for a while before totally overpowering her For the avoidance of doubt when we box, SHE is the only one throwing punches. I would NEVER EVER punch my W under any circumstance. Spanking is different. Absent a punch/kick to the balls she can stop me from spanking her simply by saying "stop I am not kidding". If she ever does connect with my groin area then she will get what she deserves. Hey I warned her. So if I had to summarize: - Muscles + humor instead of anger + playful violence = an amazingly amorous partner Anyone have any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted October 4, 2010 Author Share Posted October 4, 2010 3-4 times a week speaks for itself I guess. What I've learned about my W: Like Mem, my W likes to beat on me, I had to smerk when I read his post because it's a lot like us. I have noticed that she fights with me more when she is horny, I also noticed it gives her a release of sexual tension. So when I want a fireworks display in bed, I try my hardest to dodge attacks, even running away so she can't hit me, damn women are slow. The ability to cut her off now, damn I wish I would have done this years ago. When you deny them sex, it;s like the price of gold hit the roof. You can cash in on Monday and make a small profit, or wait til Tuesday for a huge return. But I warn you it's always met with a fight, but if you keep it clean, and stand your ground, she'll knock your socks off for it. Woman need to fight, or least everyone woman I've met does. My W will argue with me simply to get some emotional charge. I don't understand it, and I don't care why, I just know she needs to argue. So now when she wants to argue I go along with it, and argue back. I keep in mind that she just wants to fight, so I keep it clean and vague. Gone are the days where I get nasty or physical. Put her in check when she needs to be put in check. I can honestly say I used to be a push over when it came to this. I was too busy complaining about stupid sh%t to even notice when she really needed to be put in place. Plus now, the fact that I hardly complain anymore puts more emphasis on the checking. Just like men, women do stupid, ignorant, selfish crap, and you need to put them in place when they do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 Nice words fellas. I check back to this thread from time to time for a bit of a refresher course. Seems like you guys are doing it up. Any thoughts on how you break hum drum weeks where you both are slammed at work or doing your own thing? I'm sure football season has altered my post-work attention span a little in recent weeks, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
jmsclayton Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 Hi You are so right. That is what couples need to do is to find out what is causing the lack of and see waht they can do to make it work. Thank you for writing what you did. Judith Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 Hi You are so right. That is what couples need to do is to find out what is causing the lack of and see waht they can do to make it work. Thank you for writing what you did. Judith Emphasis mine. The word "couples" is the key. Even if one partner has the ideas and makes the running, makes the changes etc, the other partner has to at least be receptive to the concept of change / improvement. For an example of trying to mend it unilaterally (and how well that doesn't work), see my thread... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 For an example of trying to mend it unilaterally (and how well that doesn't work), see my thread... That was my point too... in the title of the thread, "MY" is capitalised, so the OP is not obviously making generalizations about every couple, but I still believe he assumes that every wife actually wants to have sex in the first place and that she will once you've manipulated her the way the OP describes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted October 6, 2010 Author Share Posted October 6, 2010 Honorable and Giotto, you have no faith in yourself or your W. That's why everything you try doesn't work out. You need to have your heart and your mind convinced that it will work. You are the first and last step in the process. But when it fails instead of trying again, you give up and say I told you so. THAT'S THEDIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I HAVE FAITH! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 That was my point too... in the title of the thread, "MY" is capitalised, so the OP is not obviously making generalizations about every couple, but I still believe he assumes that every wife actually wants to have sex in the first place and that she will once you've manipulated her the way the OP describes... absolutely... I'm the first one to admit I get disheartened very quickly and then give up... but lately I haven't even tried, because I've come to the conclusion I'm actually quite "off" my wife... I don't know if I can find that special love in myself again. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I HAVE FAITH! Definition of faith..... Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/faith Is THAT the difference? Perhaps it is. Or perhaps you simply have a wife who is willing to kick in and do her part, and this success is not all about what you have done but also about what she is willing to do. SHE may be the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Definition of faith..... Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/faith Is THAT the difference? Perhaps it is. Or perhaps you simply have a wife who is willing to kick in and do her part, and this success is not all about what you have done but also about what she is willing to do. SHE may be the difference. but tim says that if we do our part and don't give up easily, she will do her part too, eventually... I don't think I'll ever find out! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 but tim says that if we do our part and don't give up easily, she will do her part too, eventually... I ...and I guess that is where faith is the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 ...and I guess that is where faith is the difference. lol... :D Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Wife and I started working out together. The sex has jumped up a notch and we're closer because we have a goal to reach together. She wants to drop a few pounds and I'm already pretty athletic but want to get more buff/cut for next year's vacations. Loving it so far. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 Once you have "etched" a super dysfunctional sexual behavior pattern the ONLY way to fix it is to "rebalance" the overall relationship. Because the dysfunctional pattern creates a HUGE power imbalance. The only way to rebalance is to threaten to leave and then proceed with the process until the other person either totally freaks and comes to you with the crazed apologetic promise to CHANGE, or they quietly let you go and you are divorced. And that belief has ALWAYS driven my behavior when I felt W was trying to assert total dominance on the board. My strategy tends to focus on the only 3 things in life that matter: TIME, MONEY and LOVE. I typically start with time as I have the good fortune to be able to directly and quickly alter my travel schedule. So I don't have to use the D word. Instead I can (and have) implemented a "soft" virtual separation when her behavior is unacceptable. I just start travelling 3-4 nights a week and then splice in a few weekend visits to friends. This is all bracketed with me saying "we should both really think about what our priorities are." If the issue is sex, than I immediately offer up a solution that totally removes the stress of having sex with me - being that I will take a GF. And ALL of this is wrapped in: I love you and want this to work. I am perfectly fine being around a lot less for a while if that helps. As for sex, I am not going to be celibate, so if she wishes to keep our marital bed just for us, she can play nicely. If not, I will find a GF and be discreet. Not secretive - oh no - she would no. I simply wouldn't put it in her face. If her position is: I don't want sex AND you are forbidden sex with others, than my response is a long laugh followed by nothing. BUT - I will also note that W completely agrees this is fair - and fair in both directions. So a fractured outcome seems minimal. And each of these conversations are conducted in a very low affect, conversational manner. Honorable and Giotto, you have no faith in yourself or your W. That's why everything you try doesn't work out. You need to have your heart and your mind convinced that it will work. You are the first and last step in the process. But when it fails instead of trying again, you give up and say I told you so. THAT'S THEDIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I HAVE FAITH! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted October 10, 2010 Author Share Posted October 10, 2010 mem I agree with what you're saying. What I meant was that Giotto and Honarable let a road block stop them and then they say "it must not work." Then they blame their wives, or their situation to justify the failure. Then their thought process stops on the whole manner. Where as I find a way around the road block because I have faith in myself. I either climb over it, steer around it, go back or blow the f*cking thing up. Either way I keep working on my original plan. I also never blame anyone but myself, since I am the only one I can control. The person I was a year ago is dead and gone and buried. He will not be resurrected! Link to post Share on other sites
OhGeesh Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) tnttim, here is one for ya!! I have sex about 2-3 times a week and have tried the "not go for it gameplan" and yeah she'll come around after about 10-12 days while I'm going freaking nuts wearing my hands out!! For me it's not just about SEX. I can whack off if it was :-) it's about closeness, emotion, foreplay, holding, kissing, sex is just the icing on the cake..... For me it's her making a move showing that she "Wants it too" the fact is she doesn't "want it" very much. She says "You say it's not about sex, but it is, because if we don't have sex I now you're disappointed. She is right!! While 2-3 times is cool...........I would want more, longer, more variety then we even have now. You read threads every so often about women who get tired of there men doing the 15 minutes and roll over routine!! That is what my wife prefers!! I want the prelude, the touching, carressing, nibbling, kissing, I often feel like she feels that it is too much work! I know I need to be grateful for the good sex life that I have now........gosh I feel hornier physically and needed affection her inititiating and being more into it.....now then ever. Glad you and your wife are doing well!! Faithfully married both sides, 3 kids, married 10yrs+ together 16yrs+. Edited October 10, 2010 by OhGeesh Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Realizing that I have selectively emphasized a small number of "extreme events" in my marriage I would like to add some balance and also some clarity. I am definitely not into this "fuvk me or else" mode unless provoked in an extreme way. For instance we had a series of schedule conflicts - a little travel on my side, W got her period, just as it was ending she got a nasty cold. So we have connected once in 12 days. My reaction to that is - absolutely no reaction. This is just life. Yes I am feeling a bit amorous. But not ignored. We have snuggled, spooned, given each other some nice back massages etc. She has offered to connect 3 or 4 times but I could tell she was sick, or a couple times it was going to be a bj because she was on her cycle and I don't like one way sex that much. If you asked her whether my behavior has been any different than it normally is she would say no. And this is my normal reaction to "life happening". Why make her feel guilty or worse be a prick to be around. If I get to that point can resort to "manual override" for temporary relief. I make a sharp distinction between normal life disruptions and indifference to my needs. I have great patience for the former and no tolerance for the latter. And I think that is part of the reason my W generally has a positive emotional association with sex. mem I agree with what you're saying. What I meant was that Giotto and Honarable let a road block stop them and then they say "it must not work." Then they blame their wives, or their situation to justify the failure. Then their thought process stops on the whole manner. Where as I find a way around the road block because I have faith in myself. I either climb over it, steer around it, go back or blow the f*cking thing up. Either way I keep working on my original plan. I also never blame anyone but myself, since I am the only one I can control. The person I was a year ago is dead and gone and buried. He will not be resurrected! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 What I meant was that Giotto and Honarable let a road block stop them and then they say "it must not work." Then they blame their wives, or their situation to justify the failure. Then their thought process stops on the whole manner. Where as I find a way around the road block because I have faith in myself. I either climb over it, steer around it, go back or blow the f*cking thing up. Either way I keep working on my original plan. I also never blame anyone but myself, since I am the only one I can control. The person I was a year ago is dead and gone and buried. He will not be resurrected! The road block, at least for me, is a totally uncooperative wife. Your wife was/is cooperative, because obviously she still give a sh*t about sex... for some wives sex is dead and buried and doesn't matter what you do. It's not "us", it's them not wanting it because it's not important anymore. We can do whatever we like, nothing works because what we are trying to regain is not there anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 The road block, at least for me, is a totally uncooperative wife. Your wife was/is cooperative, because obviously she still give a sh*t about sex... for some wives sex is dead and buried and doesn't matter what you do. It's not "us", it's them not wanting it because it's not important anymore. We can do whatever we like, nothing works because what we are trying to regain is not there anymore... Didn't you get the memo? If you follow the CR James' Book of Snake Oil , you W will automatically awaken sexually, sex, which has even if it has not crossed the radar IN HER ENTIRE LIFE will become hugely important, she will overnight, and as if by magic, understand your "sexual value" and everything will be wonderful. Oh, and at the same time take a large, strong umbrella with you - flying pigs can make a right old mess of you suit;) Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Didn't you get the memo? If you follow the CR James' Book of Snake Oil , you W will automatically awaken sexually, sex, which has even if it has not crossed the radar IN HER ENTIRE LIFE will become hugely important, she will overnight, and as if by magic, understand your "sexual value" and everything will be wonderful. Oh, and at the same time take a large, strong umbrella with you - flying pigs can make a right old mess of you suit;) what I'm trying to explain to tim is that we are talking about two completely different scenarios, but he is convinced that we are not trying hard enough... personally, I've kind of given up... after threatening divorce twice, I've left it now in the hands of my wife (literally... )... after 13 days, last night my wife kindly communicated to me that we are going to have sex tonight... well, that's very nice of her... at least I don't have to perform for half an hour... Link to post Share on other sites
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