How I got MY wife into sex

[desertIslandCactus]

Dropped in to say that I think 17,003 Views for a thread is miraculous .. :bunny:

 

Just goes goes to show the universal interst in this subject ..

[Floridaman]

Dropped in to say that I think 17,003 Views for a thread is miraculous .. :bunny:

 

Just goes goes to show the universal interest in this subject ..

There's A LOT of interest in this as many men AND WOMEN end up marrying partners who don't want to frequently ML with their spouses.

 

Many of us tasted intimacy with our spouses before getting married and that was great so didn't have any worries about how it would go once we made our love official.

 

There's a whole discussion group on refusal with many subtopics at

http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/

 

Refusal there isn't just a subforum as part of many topics like at

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/ which also covers sexual positions, engaged, weddings, adultery, childhood sexual abuse, masturbation, resources, etc., but a whole group.

 

NOTE ABOUT LINK: this is not a questionable website with nudity, etc., but resources many suffering from refusal might find interesting. I am in no way affiliated with said board.

Edited November 1, 2010 by Floridaman

[Bec_downunder]

I agree with everything you've said and if you think you are contradicting the OP then you didn't read carefully enough.

 

The OP is not advising game-playing. He's merely telling guys to stop supplicating to their women. Does that make sense?

 

Believe it or not, what you said SUPPORTS the original poster's stance. Read more of the thread and I think you'll be pleased.

 

EDIT - your situation is also completely different from the OP's. He was being too needy whereas your guy was being too distant. Make sense? The OP is advocating a healthy middle ground, which sometimes requires some initial overcompensation to achieve.

 

 

Hi Phateless, yes, I do support some things the OP said. I just didn't agree with things like when his wife is fishing for compliments, not giving them and when they're out, flirting with another woman as this gives him sex appeal. This would just annoy MOST women. I'm sure it works on some.

 

I'm in a huge rush again today. I'm dying to get back here and read the whole thread when I have time! It's such an interesting topic.

 

It's your turn to give me some advice, guys. This whole thing has got me thinking about how I can improve my sexual relationship. Here's the problem, I know exactly what I like and don't like and I am completely comfortable talking about it. My man is not used to talking about that, because his wife of 15 years was very prudish and never wanted to discuss sex. I really want to tell him exactly what I want, but because he's uncomfortable talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable and I never end up saying my whole piece. I would love to just write him a list of my turn ons and turn offs, concentrating more on the turn ons and saying it like 'I love it when you....'. Does this seem a little over the top to you guys? Would you be offended if your wife did that or would you soak up the information and learn from it? Is there anything I should not say that won't go down well?

 

After our amazing weekend, I sent him an email (because he is away on business) and told him how much I enjoyed it. I told him that it is a real turn on getting dressed up, feeling sexy and having fun together and that our relationship felt fresh again. He really appreciated the email and responded really positively, exactly how I wanted.. 'muuuuuaaaaaaah... thanks baby, me too :-)

I promise i'll try be more motivated to do stuff, especially if it's gonna have that effect (6)

 

One thing we must all remember is that it's so easy to only bring up things that your partner does to p*** us off. I'm going to take a more positive approach and start showing my appreciation a lot more for the good things he does, hopefully he'll do the same for me! That's my 2nd lesson, APPRECIATION! There's not a lot that I need to say about it really... Some nights I've spent 2 hours cooking an extravagant dinner, only for him to finish it, saying little more than 'thanks'. Grrrrr!! My partner, by nature is an 'under-thanker' and me being generally an 'over-thanker' it's very frustrating!! If someone spent 2 hours cooking me a meal I would say 'that was absolutely delicous, thanks so much, you're a wonderful cook'! Pay attention to detail guys. If your wife has spent the whole day making the house spotless, don't chuck your shoes in the hallway and dump your stuff everywhere! It's not hard to put things away! After I clean the house from top to bottom, I look around with satisfaction. It's so annoying when him or his kids are like hurricanes after I've just cleaned. Yes, I know, with children, it can't be avoided, but you get my drift right? Don't make your woman feel like she is a slave there to pick up after you. Men don't see how that can possibly have anything to do with your sex life, but believe me, it does! My girlfriends and I complain about this all the time! It's the most wonderful feeling to feel appreciated

 

Gotta run, I'll try to get back later. Have fun

[Bec_downunder]

This sounds great, Bec_downunder.

I am going to look forward to your post.

 

This is true, guys, as I've learned this weekend.

 

 

Thanks Floridaman! It's great for me also, hearing male opinions. We can all help each other. I don't claim to be an expert, I'm just sharing information about what my personal turn ons are. The things I am sharing with you are common feelings my girlfriends and I and women in general share.

[Floridaman]

Here's the problem, I know exactly what I like and don't like and I am completely comfortable talking about it. My man is not used to talking about that, because his wife of 15 years was very prudish and never wanted to discuss sex. I really want to tell him exactly what I want, but because he's uncomfortable talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable and I never end up saying my whole piece. I would love to just write him a list of my turn ons and turn offs, concentrating more on the turn ons and saying it like 'I love it when you....'. Does this seem a little over the top to you guys? Would you be offended if your wife did that or would you soak up the information and learn from it? Is there anything I should not say that won't go down well?

No, this is not over the top. I would in fact welcome it if my wife would be as verbally expressive as I am.

I want to hear more from her, even if it's not what I want to hear.

 

In a post I made on anothe board, (under a diff. screen name), I talked in more detail about the experience I posted above... the tightness of my wife's V while entering her. (She was so tight I for a minute thought she was a VIRGIN!)

 

She shook when I went in deep. She said it hurt, so kept going in and out of her at her entrance, and only went deeper when she didn't shake.

I asked her if it hurt, and she told me.

 

Later, as I went deeper (all the while telling her I loved her and kissing the heck out of her), I kept asking if she was comfortable.

She never answered and later ended it bec. it was too painfull.

I never climaxed. Funny bec. I usually am a "5 min. man." I was in her a long time and still enjoyed it.

I wish she would have told me what she was feeling as I was clearly interested in her feelings...

 

 

One thing we must all remember is that it's so easy to only bring up things that your partner does to p*** us off. I'm going to take a more positive approach and start showing my appreciation a lot more for the good things he does, hopefully he'll do the same for me! That's my 2nd lesson, APPRECIATION! There's not a lot that I need to say about it really... Some nights I've spent 2 hours cooking an extravagant dinner, only for him to finish it, saying little more than 'thanks'. Grrrrr!!

....

If your wife has spent the whole day making the house spotless, don't chuck your shoes in the hallway and dump your stuff everywhere! It's not hard to put things away! After I clean the house from top to bottom, I look around with satisfaction. It's so annoying when him or his kids are like hurricanes after I've just cleaned. Yes, I know, with children, it can't be avoided, but you get my drift right? Don't make your woman feel like she is a slave there to pick up after you. Men don't see how that can possibly have anything to do with your sex life, but believe me, it does!

Guilty on the leaving my shoes in the entry way and other inconsiderate things. Thanks to your posting, I will not do that anymore.

 

( My wife has nagged me about this frequently. Why couldn't I just listen to her??? _

 

Bec_downunder, this is a load of great advice!

Esp. for a new poster here!

Welcome aboard from Down Under.

BTW,... do you get the Aussie reference in my sig?

No one has commented or said anything about it.

It is lyrics from a popular song...

Edited November 2, 2010 by Floridaman

[Bec_downunder]

Sorry! I don't know the song!

 

I'm glad that I've succeeded in getting one man on this planet to put his shoes away lol

[Bec_downunder]

Next lesson lol. I am turned off by men who watch porn. Yes, I know that nearly every man likes it and all that, but to MOST women, it's a turn off. Yes, there are women who don't mind and even watch it with their man and blah, blah, blah, but for the majority of us, WE DON'T LIKE IT!

 

Now, I'm not going to tell you not to do it, I'm just telling you my turn ons and turn offs. I suggest if you do like it and your partner is ok with it, don't flaunt your habit to her. We simply don't like it because we want to be the centre of your attention. We don't like to think about you fantasizing over other women. We know it's there and it's normal, but we don't want to hear about it.

 

My man isn't into watching porn. Having said that, yes, I'm sure if he stumbled across some he would sit and watch it and would probably love it if I wanted to watch it with him. He doesn't download it and certainly doesn't buy it and I love that about him.

 

The same thing goes for when you see a hot woman walking down the street, yes you're going to look, just don't make it obvious and ESPECIALLY DON'T TELL US! Save that for your mates. I loveeeee looking at hot men too, but I bet if you asked my man if I perve much, he would say 'no way!'. I do it on the sly. I look and move on.

 

My man certainly looks as they all do and in the beginning he made it so obvious. Not that it would be something that I would get angry at, it's just a little turn off. For eg. we were on holidays in tropical north queensland and we went to a very secluded beach. It was supposed to be a romantic outting on our own. When we got there, there were 4 of the hottest women I've seen in a long time all sunbathing topless. My man nearly tripped over when he first spotted them, which I thought was funny lol. We were lying there together and every 10 seconds or so he looked over at them and made it soooo obvious. Well, I didn't get angry, but it did turn me off and he did not get any that evening lol. And no, I don't 'withhold' sex to punish him. A lot of men think that women do that. All it takes is for you to do something that's a turn off and we're not going to be in the mood. Happy wife = happy life

 

You guys are going to feel sorry for him, because you know in that situation it would be really hard not to keep looking. Hey, I have been in the situation with hot men all around me, but i still manage to be sly about looking and my man still has most of my attention. I try to show him respect at all times. It is kinda disrespectful towards your partner when you can't focus on them.

 

So I probably sound like a prude and very conservative, but I'm not really, I do have an open mind to certain things...

 

We did used to go into a webcam site and I was a 'cam girl' (not the kind that sits there with the cam between her legs lol. I liked being seductive and always left something to the imagination). This is actually how we met. I was single for 2 years before I was with him. I was soooo over dating. At that time, I thought there were no good men left. I used to go to this site and 'flash' and dance etc. on cam and the guys would go nuts. It made me really horny and I kinda used it as my sexual release, instead of going out and sleeping around. It was a lot of fun. I certainly didn't expect to meet anyone there. We were online friends for about 2 years before we met. We go to the site occasionally on a Friday night and I dress up in lingerie and sit on his lap. The guys go nuts and he sits there with a smart ass grin typing 'she's all mine' lol. I was never interested in getting to know any of the guys there. I really didn't want to know who they were, I liked to think they were all hot (lol) which certainly was not the reality. I was attracted to my guy because he was really funny and not sleazey and pervey towards me. Anyway, I thought I would tell you that story as it may be a good alternative to porn, if your lady doesn't like it. You may be able to convince her to go to a chat room like that with you, first with no cam to see what it's all about

[Floridaman]

We did used to go into a webcam site and I was a 'cam girl' (not the kind that sits there with the cam between her legs lol. I liked being seductive and always left something to the imagination). This is actually how we met. I was single for 2 years before I was with him. I was soooo over dating. At that time, I thought there were no good men left. I used to go to this site and 'flash' and dance etc. on cam and the guys would go nuts. It made me really horny and I kinda used it as my sexual release, instead of going out and sleeping around. It was a lot of fun. I certainly didn't expect to meet anyone there. We were online friends for about 2 years before we met. We go to the site occasionally on a Friday night and I dress up in lingerie and sit on his lap. The guys go nuts and he sits there with a smart ass grin typing 'she's all mine' lol. I was never interested in getting to know any of the guys there. I really didn't want to know who they were, I liked to think they were all hot (lol) which certainly was not the reality. I was attracted to my guy because he was really funny and not sleazey and pervey towards me. Anyway, I thought I would tell you that story as it may be a good alternative to porn, if your lady doesn't like it. You may be able to convince her to go to a chat room like that with you, first with no cam to see what it's all about

That's quite a revelation, girl.

[Phateless]

Hi Phateless, yes, I do support some things the OP said. I just didn't agree with things like when his wife is fishing for compliments, not giving them and when they're out, flirting with another woman as this gives him sex appeal. This would just annoy MOST women. I'm sure it works on some.

 

I'm in a huge rush again today. I'm dying to get back here and read the whole thread when I have time! It's such an interesting topic.

 

It's your turn to give me some advice, guys. This whole thing has got me thinking about how I can improve my sexual relationship. Here's the problem, I know exactly what I like and don't like and I am completely comfortable talking about it. My man is not used to talking about that, because his wife of 15 years was very prudish and never wanted to discuss sex. I really want to tell him exactly what I want, but because he's uncomfortable talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable and I never end up saying my whole piece. I would love to just write him a list of my turn ons and turn offs, concentrating more on the turn ons and saying it like 'I love it when you....'. Does this seem a little over the top to you guys? Would you be offended if your wife did that or would you soak up the information and learn from it? Is there anything I should not say that won't go down well?

 

After our amazing weekend, I sent him an email (because he is away on business) and told him how much I enjoyed it. I told him that it is a real turn on getting dressed up, feeling sexy and having fun together and that our relationship felt fresh again. He really appreciated the email and responded really positively, exactly how I wanted.. 'muuuuuaaaaaaah... thanks baby, me too :-)

I promise i'll try be more motivated to do stuff, especially if it's gonna have that effect (6)

 

One thing we must all remember is that it's so easy to only bring up things that your partner does to p*** us off. I'm going to take a more positive approach and start showing my appreciation a lot more for the good things he does, hopefully he'll do the same for me! That's my 2nd lesson, APPRECIATION! There's not a lot that I need to say about it really... Some nights I've spent 2 hours cooking an extravagant dinner, only for him to finish it, saying little more than 'thanks'. Grrrrr!! My partner, by nature is an 'under-thanker' and me being generally an 'over-thanker' it's very frustrating!! If someone spent 2 hours cooking me a meal I would say 'that was absolutely delicous, thanks so much, you're a wonderful cook'! Pay attention to detail guys. If your wife has spent the whole day making the house spotless, don't chuck your shoes in the hallway and dump your stuff everywhere! It's not hard to put things away! After I clean the house from top to bottom, I look around with satisfaction. It's so annoying when him or his kids are like hurricanes after I've just cleaned. Yes, I know, with children, it can't be avoided, but you get my drift right? Don't make your woman feel like she is a slave there to pick up after you. Men don't see how that can possibly have anything to do with your sex life, but believe me, it does! My girlfriends and I complain about this all the time! It's the most wonderful feeling to feel appreciated

 

Gotta run, I'll try to get back later. Have fun

 

Wish I had the time to read all this. Your perspectives on sex are very welcome in this thread, but for advice on your own issues you really should post your own thread. It's less confusing that way.

 

Also, not sure how familiar you are with message boards but it's considered poor etiquette to "thread-jack" or turn someone else's thread into a discussion of your own issues.

 

Not trying to chastise or any of that nonsense, just making you aware. Post your own thread, link me to it, and I'll be happy to chime in.

[Bec_downunder]

Yep, will do (start my own thread). I got a little carried away and ended up typing a lot more than I had planned to. Yes, new to the forum thing. Sorry, didn't mean to be rude

[Phateless]

Yep, will do (start my own thread). I got a little carried away and ended up typing a lot more than I had planned to. Yes, new to the forum thing. Sorry, didn't mean to be rude

 

Not to worry, you didn't know! I'm not trying to be a hall monitor either, just wanting to keep everything on track.

[Floridaman]

BTW,... do you get the Aussie reference in my sig?

No one has commented or said anything about it.

It is lyrics from a popular song...

 

Sorry! I don't know the song!

 

I'm glad that I've succeeded in getting one man on this planet to put his shoes away lol

It's from the LITTLE RIVER BAND...

 

"Take It Easy on Me," from the early 80s, a major heartbreak song like "The Other Guy" and "We Too..."

 

Those were there later hits (their better songs were "Reminiscing," "Lady" and "Help is on its Way" all from the late 70s.

 

LRB was a big Aussie band (one of the biggest- bigger than Men at Work and many others) who also made it big in the U.S.

 

But... that era may have been before your time.

[Bec_downunder]

It's from the LITTLE RIVER BAND...

 

"Take It Easy on Me," from the early 80s, a major heartbreak song like "The Other Guy" and "We Too..."

 

Those were there later hits (their better songs were "Reminiscing," "Lady" and "Help is on its Way" all from the late 70s.

 

LRB was a big Aussie band (one of the biggest- bigger than Men at Work and many others) who also made it big in the U.S.

 

But... that era may have been before your time.

 

 

I know LRB, yes a wee bit before my time .

[mohdhm]

Let us know your experiences after you find a wife.

 

I thought I had a PhD on women until I actually married one. It is one thing to know basic woman skills and utilize them in college or the workplace or life to attract a woman. It is quite another thing to actually have to use them full time with someone who learns your every vulnerability...and utilizes her own "man" skills.

 

Tntim has some great points, but I would say they are not just basic skills to attract a woman. It is quite one thing to attract a woman. It is a whole different ballgame when it comes to actually living with a woman for many years.

 

Just a thought or two.

 

goodness it is a scary thought that is it possible for a woman to use her "man" skills. I agree with you but i still stand by my point. I'm not a good enough communicator to explain what i have in mind right now unless I type out 1000+ words, and i'm unwilling to do it to clarify my thoughts and stance on the matter.

[mem11363]

Mohdhm,

Your answer below says it all.

 

 

goodness it is a scary thought that is it possible for a woman to use her "man" skills. I agree with you but i still stand by my point. I'm not a good enough communicator to explain what i have in mind right now unless I type out 1000+ words, and i'm unwilling to do it to clarify my thoughts and stance on the matter.

[phillyfan]

Be the nicest ashole your wife could ever need.....................

 

WEIRD. Ive had my time of being an azzhole, it is respect all the way to the girl I marry. Azzhole, no - straight up respect love and lust, yes, thats all I need, thats all a girl needs and she will neva get azzhole from me.

 

Jeez people make their lives freakin complicated. No disrespect man, but a girl really just wants a strong pair of arms, love, protection, and to know her man finds her dam sexy, thats it. Works for me anyway

[mem11363]

Philly,

How long have you been married?

 

 

 

WEIRD. Ive had my time of being an azzhole, it is respect all the way to the girl I marry. Azzhole, no - straight up respect love and lust, yes, thats all I need, thats all a girl needs and she will neva get azzhole from me.

 

Jeez people make their lives freakin complicated. No disrespect man, but a girl really just wants a strong pair of arms, love, protection, and to know her man finds her dam sexy, thats it. Works for me anyway

[phillyfan]

Not married dude, but til recently with the same girl for a long time...we ended when she pushed for the big M and I realized I couldn't see that with her - she's awesome and a great girl but I'm not right for her and she deserves a guy who thinks she is the One, and thats not me. Sucks to be the better man and do the right thing lol, I miss a lot of being with her, but I am all about respect to the girl these days so its the way it has to go. Its kinda why I found this site.

[tnttim]

WEIRD. Ive had my time of being an azzhole, it is respect all the way to the girl I marry. Azzhole, no - straight up respect love and lust, yes, thats all I need, thats all a girl needs and she will neva get azzhole from me.

 

Jeez people make their lives freakin complicated. No disrespect man, but a girl really just wants a strong pair of arms, love, protection, and to know her man finds her dam sexy, thats it. Works for me anyway

 

 

I totally agree. Some times men in a long term relationship start to give in to their wives nagging, and complaining. They give up the fight and just always agree with what she says. Then you find yourself doing things to prevent her from complaining and you lose your manhood in the process. Then the snowball effect happens and before you know it you're on LS wondering why your in your current situation.

 

I found what works for me, my point always has been to find out what works for you. You have to try new approaches and attitudes for that to work though.

[tnttim]

Not married dude

 

As they say "now theirs your problem."

[Jack & Coke]

Happy New Year fellas. Any developments? I love this thread.

[Honorable_Venerable]

My wife was referred for psychotherapy. Given that there is a 20 month wait between referral and treatment on the NHS in our area, we opted to go private (we can afford it, just, at the moment).

 

She's been told to put sex to one side for now, to deal with underlying issues of which the sex arguements are merely symptomatic. Therefore, we now don't have sex. This actually started back when all the family secrets came out (in the autumn), but has now become a medically-advised open-ended period of celibacy. I'm getting a lot of trout flies tied and wargame figures painted, so some good's coming of it:sick:.

[giotto]

My wife was referred for psychotherapy. Given that there is a 20 month wait between referral and treatment on the NHS in our area, we opted to go private (we can afford it, just, at the moment).

 

She's been told to put sex to one side for now, to deal with underlying issues of which the sex arguements are merely symptomatic. Therefore, we now don't have sex. This actually started back when all the family secrets came out (in the autumn), but has now become a medically-advised open-ended period of celibacy. I'm getting a lot of trout flies tied and wargame figures painted, so some good's coming of it:sick:.

 

ah, yes... my wife has psychological issues, which have ruined our sex life in the long term. But she refuses to seek help, or, better, she says she will, but never does. We do have sex, occasionally, but the anti-depressants have killed her libido... so, she would be happy with once maybe every 2 months or even 3 months... expect a very long haul...

[NoLongerSad]

My wife was referred for psychotherapy. Given that there is a 20 month wait between referral and treatment on the NHS in our area, we opted to go private (we can afford it, just, at the moment).

 

She's been told to put sex to one side for now, to deal with underlying issues of which the sex arguments are merely symptomatic. Therefore, we now don't have sex. This actually started back when all the family secrets came out (in the autumn), but has now become a medically-advised open-ended period of celibacy. I'm getting a lot of trout flies tied and wargame figures painted, so some good's coming of it:sick:.

 

It's good that's she's in therapy, if that's what she needs; but it's very bad that she has a therapist who is encouraging her to be celibate. It sounds like she, or the therapist, or both, are selling you a bill of goods. Or perhaps the chosen therapist is incompetent.

 

You're part of the equation here, too, aren't you?

 

Why don't your needs and desires matter?

 

See this is the whole problem. Your spouse is incredibly selfish. She uses every excuse in the book to deny you sex. Now she's just using therapy as her most recent crutch to continue denying sex to you.

 

I don't know what horrible revelations were made recently (sex abuse as a child perhaps? that's the worst thing I can think of), but it doesn't matter. Nothing in her past, present, or future justifies her imposing a celibate existence on YOU.

 

No amount of therapy is going to change anything, either.

 

You need to divorce this woman if you ever want to have a reasonable kind of sex life again. Or, get her to agree to an open marriage. Or, just tell her that until she gets herself together enough to have sex with you when YOU want it, you will find it elsewhere.

 

Then go and do that.

[NoLongerSad]

ah, yes... my wife has psychological issues, which have ruined our sex life in the long term. But she refuses to seek help, or, better, she says she will, but never does. We do have sex, occasionally, but the anti-depressants have killed her libido... so, she would be happy with once maybe every 2 months or even 3 months... expect a very long haul...

 

This misses the point too.

 

Your wife doesn't have to have any sexual desire whatsoever in order to have sex with you. Desire is not necessary for a woman to have sexual relations with a man.

 

Not to compare your wife in any way to a prostitute, but prostitutes have sex numerous times a day with different men, that doesn't mean they do so because they are expressing their libido. They have sex with men because they want to (in exchange for being paid, of course).

 

If your wife wanted to make you happy, she would have sex with you more frequently even if she didn't feel like it.

 

Therefore the conclusion is that it's not important to your wife that you be happy.

 

So, divorce is the only realistic option for you, too.