How I got MY wife into sex

[Floridaman]

Your wife doesn't have to have any sexual desire whatsoever in order to have sex with you. Desire is not necessary for a woman to have sexual relations with a man.

 

Not to compare your wife in any way to a prostitute, but prostitutes have sex numerous times a day with different men, that doesn't mean they do so because they are expressing their libido.

....

If your wife wanted to make you happy, she would have sex with you more frequently even if she didn't feel like it.

Therefore the conclusion is that it's not important to your wife that you be happy.

So, divorce is the only realistic option for you, too.

Agree with the first part and the bolded parts. Disagree with the last statement.

 

EDIT: I didn't closely read Venerable's post... so I see there's a lot to it with counseling. That's a different and a difficult case.

 

 

I urge the OP to buy a copy of Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.

http://www.amazon.com/Sheet-Music-Uncovering-Intimacy-Marriage/dp/0842360247/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294775923&sr=1-1

It deals with low desire/ lack of desire/ withholding, etc. I just finished reading it and think it could help you.

 

The reviews should give you a good idea of what the book is about... improving your marital sexual relations.

Edited January 11, 2011 by Floridaman

[Honorable_Venerable]

It's good that's she's in therapy, if that's what she needs; but it's very bad that she has a therapist who is encouraging her to be celibate. It sounds like she, or the therapist, or both, are selling you a bill of goods. Or perhaps the chosen therapist is incompetent.

 

You're part of the equation here, too, aren't you?

 

Why don't your needs and desires matter?

 

Let me ask you something: If I changed the words "therapy" and "therapist" to "surgery" and "surgeon" or "treatment" and "oncologist", would you consider that my desire for sex overrode her medical needs? Would this be a "bill of goods"? Just because YOU don't like the advice a TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives, it doesn't make it wrong, or you competent to make a diagnosis and treatment.

 

See this is the whole problem. Your spouse is incredibly selfish. She uses every excuse in the book to deny you sex. Now she's just using therapy as her most recent crutch to continue denying sex to you.

 

I don't know what horrible revelations were made recently (sex abuse as a child perhaps? that's the worst thing I can think of), but it doesn't matter. Nothing in her past, present, or future justifies her imposing a celibate existence on YOU.

 

Can I ask where you obtained your medical training? Let me put it very simply: NO ONE has a "right" to sex at a cost to their partner's physical or mental health.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But maybe right..... Giotto has a wife with "issues", but again who does like sex when she has it with Giotto, but it is solely her choice to have it every 2-4 weeks or less. But she too would probably say it is much more then she'd like to, even though she does enjoy it and has orgasms..... Remember I state that orgasm=enjoyment=good, so what is so bad about it.

 

As for HV, if I remember correct, I am brought to tears hearing his story and upset that at every turn he is denied. How a therapist can recommend celibacy to a relationship that is sexless is inane (unless we are talking only 2-4 weeks).....

 

Anyone proclaiming it is a man's world, does not read about sexless marriages on LS.......

[giotto]

well, the medical aspect is a very delicate one. I can obviously understand the claim that my happiness is not important to my wife, but then I'm not the one with the issues and the one who had to suffer the consequences of these issues. The whole situation is complicated and has been for the last 15 years. Sometimes I can put myself in my wife's shoes and perfectly understand why she is happy with little sex. Then I think I'm a man (with sexual needs) and that our marriage is not like it used to be. Of course I have an option: divorce. But then, as a human being with a brain, I'm able to see the bigger picture. Some people have said she doesn't respect me. Maybe. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not 100% happy, but I do care for my wife and she has reasons...

[Honorable_Venerable]

As for HV, if I remember correct, I am brought to tears hearing his story and upset that at every turn he is denied. How a therapist can recommend celibacy to a relationship that is sexless is inane (unless we are talking only 2-4 weeks).....

The psychiatrist told her than she shouldn't (at this time) concern herself with the sex aspect, but concentrate on the underlying issues. Since she doesn't seem to feel like doing ANYTHING except getting through her days one at a time, sex is off the agenda.

 

I suppose it's a bit like finding yourself waking up in a hospital after a car crash with all four limbs in plaster. You can't walk, feed yourself or wipe your own backside, so the doctor is going to tell you than worrying about your training for the marathon is not your current priority.

Edited January 12, 2011 by Honorable_Venerable

[giotto]

The psychiatrist told her than she shouldn't (at this time) concern herself with the sex aspect, but concentrate on the underlying issues. Since she doesn't seem to feel like doing ANYTHING except getting through her days one at a time, sex is off the agenda.

 

I suppose it's a bit like finding yourself waking up in a hospital after a car crash with all four limbs in plaster. You can't walk, feed yourself or wipe your own backside, so the doctor is going to tell you than worrying about your training for the marathon is not your current priority.

 

This is common practice, I believe. Your wife has sexual problems, so she needs to abstain in order to put everything in perspective and start solving the issues. Sex cannot interfere at this stage. The problem is: it can take months - or even years - to solve the issues, if they are solvable. This is a reason why I'm not pushing my wife into therapy. She claims she's found a way of coping and she doesn't want to disturb the "equilibrium", starting from scratch again. At least your wife's issues are only affecting one side of your marriage, HV, although a fairly important one, IMO.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes HV you certainly have a point, but the therapist should also indicate a timeline and "exercises" to you in private. You've been a proverbial saint, and if his/her course of action after diagnosis is celibacy, they really haven't been given the story we have imo.

 

 

As for you Giotto, I feel terrible too, as you too seem to have just thrown in the towel.

[giotto]

Yes HV you certainly have a point, but the therapist should also indicate a timeline and "exercises" to you in private. You've been a proverbial saint, and if his/her course of action after diagnosis is celibacy, they really haven't been given the story we have imo.

 

Unfortunately, this is the path. Their sexual relationship - the way it was - wasn't sustainable and definitely not enjoyable. So, what other alternative does HV have? Not many. Stay the course and hope that one day his wife will be "cured", or leave. We know that HV won't leave, though. I think this is the right path for them.

 

As for you Giotto, I feel terrible too, as you too seem to have just thrown in the towel.

 

Well, I have! I've come to the conclusion that, if I want a satisfactory sex life, my only option is to divorce my wife, or at least separate. The trauma is far too big for me to go through. Funnily enough, she seems changed, meaning that she is far more open towards me. She tells me she loves me and she kisses me a lot more. Sex frequency is the same though... All of this is quite sad, because a couple of years ago, I would have been very happy about these developments. But I feel my love for her is dead now. It's too late. I care very much for her, but I feel drained and I don't want to be hurt again.

[xxoo]

Unfortunately, this is the path. Their sexual relationship - the way it was - wasn't sustainable and definitely not enjoyable. So, what other alternative does HV have? Not many. Stay the course and hope that one day his wife will be "cured", or leave. We know that HV won't leave, though. I think this is the right path for them.

 

I agree that counseling is the right path for them. I am optimistic that, even if the sexual relationship never improves, counseling will clarify the situation in HV and his wife's mind, and they will mutually agree to divorce. I'm hopeful that counseling will give HV the strength and the opportunity to leave, honorably, if that is what he needs to do.

[tnttim]

Happy New Year fellas. Any developments? I love this thread.

 

My wife read all my posts and she was uber pissed. I thought for a second the cat was out the bag because now she knew my tricks, but low and behold the sex is still awesome. It's just another example of how my perception about our sex life is correct: If you make them feel great, you can do almost anything.

[tnttim]

I suppose it's a bit like finding yourself waking up in a hospital after a car crash with all four limbs in plaster. You can't walk, feed yourself or wipe your own backside, so the doctor is going to tell you than worrying about your training for the marathon is not your current priority.

 

No that's not it, it's called the under issue meaning that she has a problem that's causing another problem. You can fix the secondary problem, but the under still remains. You have to address the under issue and the secondary will usually go away.

 

I'm glad to hear she has opened her mind to counseling, good job HV:)

[Jack & Coke]

My wife read all my posts and she was uber pissed. I thought for a second the cat was out the bag because now she knew my tricks, but low and behold the sex is still awesome. It's just another example of how my perception about our sex life is correct: If you make them feel great, you can do almost anything.

 

 

Also shows that she likes or doesn't mind "playing the game." Had she truly thought you were manipulating her or acting immorally as it's been suggested in the thread, it would have been a wrap. It obviously didn't matter enough for her to stop going with the flow. How'd she end up finding the posts?

[Jack & Coke]

Guess I'll give my update. Good, consistent sex had been on and off for a little while, so I went back to basics and started implementing things that worked before again. Low and behold things are heating back up and I'm loving it. I'm really trying to reinvent myself to keep bettering our sex life and see just how great it can get. It's easy to get in a routine one way or another, so I'll have to be mindful not to let the sex get too scarce again so that I'm not starting back at the beginning each time.

[tnttim]

Also shows that she likes or doesn't mind "playing the game." Had she truly thought you were manipulating her or acting immorally as it's been suggested in the thread, it would have been a wrap. It obviously didn't matter enough for her to stop going with the flow. How'd she end up finding the posts?

 

Actually, she said it sounds like you have me trained like a dog. She was really pissed and begged me not to post our personal life to a bunch of strangers. I told her I would try to leave out details but I was going to continue to post.

 

She found because I told her from day 1 that I was a member of this site, and I had nothing to hide. Gave her my user name and password too.

 

I think we have the same tactics when it comes to generating lust in our wives. I laugh when I hear you say that you have to get her in the mood again because she's acting silly. Beleive me, most dudes just don't get what that means, or do they even know how to do it. About 2 weeks ago I had to turn up the heat on her and it's still paying off.

[Jack & Coke]

I think we have the same tactics when it comes to generating lust in our wives. I laugh when I hear you say that you have to get her in the mood again because she's acting silly. Beleive me, most dudes just don't get what that means, or do they even know how to do it. About 2 weeks ago I had to turn up the heat on her and it's still paying off.

 

Definitely. Early in my marriage it hit me that I had sort of lost my "mojo" from the dating days and had to get it back somehow. Then I started reading message boards and learned that it really wasn't that uncommon in marriages.

 

We get into on again off again at times, it's my goal to really ramp it up so that it has a little more staying power. A lot of that has to do with crazy work hours and not feeling like using certain tactics or bothering with it when I get off. But whenever I make a point to do it, it works.

 

How specifically did you turn the heat up a couple weeks ago if you don't mind me asking? I always like to refer back to threads like this so I don't forget or get complacent. I think a lot more people should take heed to these kinds of things or at least give it a try. It gives you a means and reason to mix things up which is always a good thing.

[tnttim]

I start off by not being so interested in her sexually. Then I make sure I get other females attention while she's around me, I'll make comments like "damn this chick won't stop hitting on me." I'll make sure I go out without her and when I get home I tell her how much fun I had. By now she has already turned it up and she'll start suggesting sex, but I don't give in, she has to completely submit and initiate. When she gets angry and wants a fight I just man up and brush it off, like her anger really isn't effecting me, I act like she's not screaming in my face right now. I usually leave for a couple hours while she cools down, but when I get home, I know what's waiting for at home

[Jack & Coke]

Nice. I find that when I withdraw affection a bit she doesn't take it for granted and begins to miss it a little, which draws her to me. By taking away the "power" of knowing I'll be hovering around waiting/wanting sex, she becomes more needy and drawn to me, which is a good thing. I think I was flooding the market with affection and sexual interest recently so it's time to take it down a notch and restore balance. When you have an understanding of this stuff it's actually pretty fun and empowering, lol.

[tnttim]

When you have an understanding of this stuff it's actually pretty fun and empowering, lol.

 

I know, and I try to convey this to others but they just don't get it. It's simple supply and demand.

 

We should write a book, The Dude's Guide on Being a Dude

[giotto]

I know, and I try to convey this to others but they just don't get it. It's simple supply and demand.

 

We should write a book, The Dude's Guide on Being a Dude

 

 

sure, but as we said before, this really depends on your wife actually wanting to have sex with you generally, not if there are major conflicts which are severely undermining the relationship....

[tnttim]

sure, but as we said before, this really depends on your wife actually wanting to have sex with you generally, not if there are major conflicts which are severely undermining the relationship....

 

If you think like that, and put up road blocks in your brain, then you will never solve the problem.

 

The second you say "I can't do that because........" You're mind stops trying to figure out a solution and starts focusing on reasons why you can't do it, it's trying to justify your feelings.

 

I have trained my mind to think of every solution to a problem, and to never say "I can't do that because...."

 

I also don't let set backs destroy my plan. You think Richard Branson never had any set backs, or failures? Do you think he easily gives up on soemething just because someone tells him "he can't"

 

It's got everything to do with you, and your mind set, and nothing to do with her. She acts like that because you allow it to happen, and you're brain is trained to just give up with her.

[Honorable_Venerable]

I

It's got everything to do with you, and your mind set, and nothing to do with her. She acts like that because you allow it to happen, and you're brain is trained to just give up with her.

Can I ask you, where did you get your professional qualifications is psychiatry, psychology and pharmacology? Just so I know to tell my wife and her medical practitioner that all the issues regarding depression and imbalances in brain chemistry all all to do with me and f*ck-all to do with her?

[mem11363]

HV,

While I understand why you disagree with some of the posters, you seem super angry at them.

 

Thing is there is no "brain chemistry/depression" excuse for being a good sexual partner until you "trap" your partner. And even less for playing these abusive gate keeping games where you trade a small amount of sex for an ever increasing set of sacrifices on their part. And openly admit that it is as if you are the owner of a 17th century textile mill and they are one of your "employees/borderline serfs".

 

If you don't address "THAT" with her honestly you are going to carry around a mountain of unresolved anger over time.

 

This is not an "either/or". I am not suggesting she isn't depressed. I am saying that she easily could be depressed AND is also guilty of some very ugly stuff. Hiding the one behind the other is utter bulsheit.

 

 

 

Can I ask you, where did you get your professional qualifications is psychiatry, psychology and pharmacology? Just so I know to tell my wife and her medical practitioner that all the issues regarding depression and imbalances in brain chemistry all all to do with me and f*ck-all to do with her?

[Honorable_Venerable]

HV,

While I understand why you disagree with some of the posters, you seem super angry at them.

 

Mem, read this

 

"If you think like that, and put up road blocks in your brain, then you will never solve the problem.

 

The second you say "I can't do that because........" You're mind stops trying to figure out a solution and starts focusing on reasons why you can't do it, it's trying to justify your feelings.

 

I have trained my mind to think of every solution to a problem, and to never say "I can't do that because...."

 

I also don't let set backs destroy my plan. You think Richard Branson never had any set backs, or failures? Do you think he easily gives up on soemething just because someone tells him "he can't"

 

It's got everything to do with you, and your mind set, and nothing to do with her. She acts like that because you allow it to happen, and you're brain is trained to just give up with her."

 

Emphasis mine. Apparently there is no such thing as depression or the effect of past history or borderline abuse having any effect on a partner's sexuality. It's all down to what we do. By playing hard to get and bulls**tting about how other women can't keep their hands off us, all the problems will evaporate. A century of psychoanalysis, decades of development in psychotherapy and all the work that has been done on brain chemistry was a total waste of time, and every medical practitioner that buys into it is wasting their time and ours. That entire field of medical work can all be collapsed into the three lines above. Perhaps a similar approach will have 100% effective results in the treatment of PTSD in war veterans. Try reading the above about, for instance, pneumonia and see if it sounds like hooey. The statement above is profoundly insulting to the millions of people world-wide who struggle with psychological problems, and if it sounds like I'm angry about it, there might be a reason for that. This is one stage above telling those with mental health issues to "pull themselves together" and expecting it to suddenly resolve everything.

 

This is not an "either/or". I am not suggesting she isn't depressed. I am saying that she easily could be depressed AND is also guilty of some very ugly stuff. Hiding the one behind the other is utter bulsheit.

 

Others here seem to take the view that it IS an either or situation. That health issues affect sexuality do not exist and that it entirely comes down to the attitude of the other partner - that will to power can achieve anything. Let me point out, very clearly, that this is NOT the case.

[tnttim]

HV, and G You're sex problem happened long before she starting taking meds so what's the basis for your excuses now. You and Giotto are exactly the same mentally when it comes to relationship problems. The first thing your mind does is look for an excuse instead of looking for a solution. If you think I'm lying look at all your posts. Both of you shoot down every bit of advice you get. Then you spread your BS around LS about how nothing works and we should all give up like you guys did.

 

You have been here a year and you are still in the same boat. You haven't changed a thing about yourself, all you've done is pi$$ed people off and b*tched about your W.

 

If I'm wrong then lets hear about 1 peice of advice you've taken or how you have helped someone on here.

 

My W was on libido killing drugs and I still managed to get sex 2-3 times a week. So whats the difference between us then? It's my attitude that's different.

[tnttim]

Others here seem to take the view that it IS an either or situation. That health issues affect sexuality do not exist and that it entirely comes down to the attitude of the other partner - that will to power can achieve anything. Let me point out, very clearly, that this is NOT the case.

 

I bet you talk to your W like this, and then you wonder why she despises you.