hopesndreams Posted June 25, 2010 Share Posted June 25, 2010 That's true as well HV. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 26, 2010 Share Posted June 26, 2010 Guys, if you have to fight with and play games with your SO to do the deed, she just isn't feeling it. black and white stuff is fine... but what about when she is feeling it, but not always or rarely? My wife likes sex (I can tell when we have it!), but for some reason (or many reasons, all of which I know), she only feels like sex once in a blue moon... at least now I know why, so I can rationalise it, but as HV said, it's terrible when it's been a pretence all along it. I just wish my wife were honest with me, instead of shutting down... I would have saved myself 15 years of hell... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 You guys really need to read your own posts again. You all keep blaming your wife for not giving you sex. It's not about getting sex, it's about getting her to want sex with you, a huge difference. Also, your negativity towards your wife is glaring in each post. This is how you feel deep down inside about her and she can sense that, no matter how much you try to hide it. Stop blaming her for what you can't accomplish, and do not feel resentful towards her. You guys have this attitude that sex is an obligation for her to fulfill, and then you wonder why she doesn't like it with you. Woman can see right through to your inner feelings, they have 6th sense for picking up on, neediness, weakness, and lying. If you want what I suggested to work, you have to change your attitude about your wife, and about sex with your wife, first. If you have the attitude of failure in your mind, then you will fail. If you have the attitude of, it's her fault, then you will fail. As you can see, all the attempts to rekindle that flame inside will be extinguished by your attitude. So you have to lose the attitude first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted June 27, 2010 Author Share Posted June 27, 2010 I never said start a fight to get sex, I don't know where you got that from. What I meant was that some people think a marriage without fighting is a good marriage, it's not. Men and women have to stand there ground once in a while, or you become a push over. What's attractive about a person that lets other people push them around. It shows weakness when that's all you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 You guys have this attitude that sex is an obligation for her to fulfill, and then you wonder why she doesn't like it with you. Woman can see right through to your inner feelings, they have 6th sense for picking up on, neediness, weakness, and lying. Does that include the lowlife underhand lies suggested in the CR James books, or are they somehow "exempt" from the sixth sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 27, 2010 Share Posted June 27, 2010 I never said start a fight to get sex, I don't know where you got that from. What I meant was that some people think a marriage without fighting is a good marriage, it's not. Men and women have to stand there ground once in a while, or you become a push over. What's attractive about a person that lets other people push them around. It shows weakness when that's all you do. No, not a fight. Treat them like ****, lie to them, pull their strings, be hypocritical, all of those things, but not a fight. So that's all right then. Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted June 28, 2010 Share Posted June 28, 2010 The sex life has really heated up. I'm finding new little ways to build sexual tension. These tips have been lifesavers. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 (edited) HV, After reading and writing a lot of stuff - I actually think that by far and away the best strategy is to identify her triggers. And - next time she wants to trade one night of sex for a huge amount of work - have some fun with her. Smile and tell her that for X nights of pleasure you will be happy to accommodate her - AFTERWARDS. Nothing sacred about negotiating sex. Actually you already are, just not very assertively. Meaning you are letting her price your labor/stress at whatever she chooses. I think she might respond to this more favorably than you expect if you are playful AND firm. No, not a fight. Treat them like ****, lie to them, pull their strings, be hypocritical, all of those things, but not a fight. So that's all right then. Edited June 29, 2010 by mem11363 Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 HV, After reading and writing a lot of stuff - I actually think that by far and away the best strategy is to identify her triggers. And - next time she wants to trade one night of sex for a huge amount of work - have some fun with her. Smile and tell her that for X nights of pleasure you will be happy to accommodate her - AFTERWARDS. Nothing sacred about negotiating sex. Actually you already are, just not very assertively. Meaning you are letting her price your labor/stress at whatever she chooses. I think she might respond to this more favorably than you expect if you are playful AND firm. BTDT. I get her stock response: "It's not a buyer's market". If I carry on, she'll turn around and do all the scut work herself, complaining like all get out before, during and after, and I'm left potless again - for longer. After all, she can do the jobs and the complaining herself without me, but I can't do the sex on my own! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 BTDT. I get her stock response: "It's not a buyer's market". ah, lol, yes... she's got the goods you want to buy and they are too expensive or it really takes a lot of convincing... she just doesn't want to part with them! mmm... all of a sudden, the goods in the window next door are starting to look quite appealing... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 BTDT. I get her stock response: "It's not a buyer's market". That's pretty crude So, she considers her services for sale? She gets no intrinsic rewards from sex? Intrinsic rewards tend to decrease as extrinsic rewards increase. As an example, I don't pay my child for good grades, because good grades are their own reward. What would happen if you took the rewards off the table? Sex is for mutual enjoyment only, or it isn't happening? Just refuse sex unless she is wanting it for her own pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Just refuse sex unless she is wanting it for her own pleasure. ah, yes, xxoo... he will be waiting forever... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 That's pretty crude So, she considers her services for sale? She gets no intrinsic rewards from sex? Intrinsic rewards tend to decrease as extrinsic rewards increase. As an example, I don't pay my child for good grades, because good grades are their own reward. What would happen if you took the rewards off the table? Sex is for mutual enjoyment only, or it isn't happening? Just refuse sex unless she is wanting it for her own pleasure. Everything you do around the house, gifts, dinners, cleaning, cooking..... Is considered expected..... and certainly not "rewarded" with sex..... Now a woman puts on lingerie, snuggles up to a spouse, brings some drinks to him, plants a kiss and plays with his body and is turned down, should really wonder what's wrong with him. Vice versa, man in skivvies, kissing and caressing his spouse, it would be a joke and she'd laugh at him...... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 ah, yes, xxoo... he will be waiting forever... Well, that's tragic. But if he KNOWS she truly doesn't enjoy sex, how can he enjoy it with her??? How can he enjoy himself knowing that she'd rather be doing something else? Everything you do around the house, gifts, dinners, cleaning, cooking..... Is considered expected..... and certainly not "rewarded" with sex..... Now a woman puts on lingerie, snuggles up to a spouse, brings some drinks to him, plants a kiss and plays with his body and is turned down, should really wonder what's wrong with him. Vice versa, man in skivvies, kissing and caressing his spouse, it would be a joke and she'd laugh at him...... The bolded--do you mean women in general would laugh? Or just a certain type of wife? (the low libido wife) Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 All those hours with the weights and my W is secretly laughing at me when I am stripped down to my shorts caressing her. How sad. On the bright side at least she puts on a good act externally. :) Stop telling me the truth TDP - I prefer my comforting bubble of self delusion. I think I am going to go watch the first 10 minutes of the "Truman Show". Not the whole thing, just the first part before he realizes he is living in a totally artificial construct. Well, that's tragic. But if he KNOWS she truly doesn't enjoy sex, how can he enjoy it with her??? How can he enjoy himself knowing that she'd rather be doing something else? The bolded--do you mean women in general would laugh? Or just a certain type of wife? (the low libido wife) Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Yeah, I dont know. Why anyone would take advice from a man who considers it this side of a miracle that he got his wife to have sex with him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Well, that's tragic. But if he KNOWS she truly doesn't enjoy sex, how can he enjoy it with her??? How can he enjoy himself knowing that she'd rather be doing something else? The bolded--do you mean women in general would laugh? Or just a certain type of wife? (the low libido wife) Wearing the male equivalent of lingerie, maybe doing a pole dance for you and a silk bathrobe, maybe light some candles, show off his assets....:laugh: Come on, outside our pal mem11363, is there a man in his 40's who's ever tried to seduce a woman like that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 TDP, IRL WAY too shy for any over the top antics. Pole dancing - LOL. As for non-verbal behavior, a certain brief look with a half smile is about as crazy as I get. And a light caress of my inner thigh is about her high water mark. I asked her to wear lingerie for me on fathers day. She looked in her closet and then remembered she had put it in the girls "dress up box" upstairs many years ago. I didn't feel like asking her to wade through the whole box so - no lingerie. Wearing the male equivalent of lingerie, maybe doing a pole dance for you and a silk bathrobe, maybe light some candles, show off his assets....:laugh: Come on, outside our pal mem11363, is there a man in his 40's who's ever tried to seduce a woman like that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 This: Now a woman puts on lingerie, snuggles up to a spouse, brings some drinks to him, plants a kiss and plays with his body and is turned down, should really wonder what's wrong with him. Vice versa, man in skivvies, kissing and caressing his spouse, it would be a joke and she'd laugh at him...... and this: Wearing the male equivalent of lingerie, maybe doing a pole dance for you and a silk bathrobe, maybe light some candles, show off his assets....:laugh: Come on, outside our pal mem11363, is there a man in his 40's who's ever tried to seduce a woman like that!!!! are two completely different things! Who said anything about pole dancing??? Both of us initiate with well-placed caresses and kisses and little clothes. Both of us receive it well The male equilvalent of lingerie, to me, is nice boxer shorts. Very, very sexy Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 This: and this: are two completely different things! Who said anything about pole dancing??? Both of us initiate with well-placed caresses and kisses and little clothes. Both of us receive it well The male equilvalent of lingerie, to me, is nice boxer shorts. Very, very sexy means I'm ready for it...... True, but certainly not received that way.... Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 That's pretty crude So, she considers her services for sale? She gets no intrinsic rewards from sex? Intrinsic rewards tend to decrease as extrinsic rewards increase. As an example, I don't pay my child for good grades, because good grades are their own reward. What would happen if you took the rewards off the table? Sex is for mutual enjoyment only, or it isn't happening? Just refuse sex unless she is wanting it for her own pleasure. See my thread re improving my sex life without improving anything! She expects there to be an intrinsic reward for laying there and somehow having me make magic, and then after I've worn myself ragged for half an hour to accuse me of not trying. Hence, she sees no intrinsic reward in having sex since it doesn't work the way she plans it. Therefore any reward has to be extrinsic by definition, unless you're counting on an outbreak of altruism (I'm not). Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 ah, lol, yes... she's got the goods you want to buy and they are too expensive or it really takes a lot of convincing... she just doesn't want to part with them! mmm... all of a sudden, the goods in the window next door are starting to look quite appealing... Like I said, it's the Industrial Revolution model of management - bind the worker to you, then pay them barely enough to prevent rebellion / insurrection whilst taking them for all you can... Added to this, I am bound by oath and honour not to shop elsewhere. As I noted above, you take an oath not not shop anywhere else, whilst taking on trust the one market left to you will supply:( Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 ah, yes, xxoo... he will be waiting forever... I predict it will happen around the time that the original lineups of The Who and Led Zeppelin reform and play a double-header on my village green:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Well, that's tragic. But if he KNOWS she truly doesn't enjoy sex, how can he enjoy it with her??? How can he enjoy himself knowing that she'd rather be doing something else? WAAAAAAAY back my first(-ish) post was asking how to make it enjoyable for her (without changing what I do or how I do it!) for this very reason. The bolded--do you mean women in general would laugh? Or just a certain type of wife? (the low libido wife) Women in general, I fear. Although not all express the market view as bluntly as my W, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a monopoly on the sentiment. Link to post Share on other sites
Honorable_Venerable Posted June 29, 2010 Share Posted June 29, 2010 Everything you do around the house, gifts, dinners, cleaning, cooking..... Is considered expected..... and certainly not "rewarded" with sex..... Now a woman puts on lingerie, snuggles up to a spouse, brings some drinks to him, plants a kiss and plays with his body... Does this happen to married people - real married people, outside works of fiction or on the TV? I have to or else I'd Link to post Share on other sites
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