How I got MY wife into sex

[Honorable_Venerable]

Basic human kindness and respect doesn't require her to engage in a sexual relationship with you, but it does require her to CARE about your desires, needs, and experiences as an individual she loves. Dismissing your sexual needs, knowing that it causes you misery and pain, is ultimately very unkind It would be different if she clearly cared, respected your needs as an individual, and was open to working on the problem.

 

If you are going to stay married (and apparently you are), I agree with Giotto that marriage counseling is the only reasonable choice. Focus on the lack of mutual care and love in the relationship, rather than the lack of sex. The sex is just a symptom, imo.

Not withstanding my level of complaint, my life in general versus my sex life is a classic Pareto analysis (90% effort for 10% of the results), or the old saw (I've read it here) that when it's good, sex is 5% of the relationship, but when it's wrong it's 95%.

 

But I have plan...

 

I cannot credit myself entirely for the plan, but I think some of the credit is mine. People here are due a large slice of said credit, but I couldn't begin to divide up it fairly. XXOO, MEM, J&C, Giotto and even TNTTIM (I am eating crow as I write) all deserve an honourable mention.

 

I can't say it will work, but it will have an effect. I have only one thing to say:

 

"Fire in the hole, fire in the hole, fire in the hole!!!"

[Jack & Coke]

Not withstanding my level of complaint, my life in general versus my sex life is a classic Pareto analysis (90% effort for 10% of the results), or the old saw (I've read it here) that when it's good, sex is 5% of the relationship, but when it's wrong it's 95%.

 

But I have plan...

 

I cannot credit myself entirely for the plan, but I think some of the credit is mine. People here are due a large slice of said credit, but I couldn't begin to divide up it fairly. XXOO, MEM, J&C, Giotto and even TNTTIM (I am eating crow as I write) all deserve an honourable mention.

 

I can't say it will work, but it will have an effect. I have only one thing to say:

 

"Fire in the hole, fire in the hole, fire in the hole!!!"

 

So what's the plan?

[silverfish]

"Fire in the hole"....sounds painful

[xxoo]

HV, I wish you and your family the best. I'll be hoping for an update

[mem11363]

Love is too broad a term and saying ILY is too easy - talk is cheap. The first step to repair is gaining/regaining the high level of respect needed in a successful marriage.

 

I have found that a mix of humor, firmness and consequences works best. I only apply anger when all else has failed and even then try to use it sparingly.

 

For HV, when his W speaks to him in a way that he would not speak to her he has many reasonable responses that might work. For instance:

 

Last night while we slept the peasants climbed the walls, burned our castle to the ground and announced that henceforth all interactions between adults in the kingdom will be "equal to equal and will follow the golden rule". So how about this - pretend I am you and you are me. And interact with me, the way you would want me to interact with you.

 

After that he can compress this to "Wife - that was an egregious golden rule violation"

 

There have been many snide/sarcastic comments in this thread about the immorality of lying, intimidation, deception etc. In general I AGREE with those comments. AND I also believe that part of my responsibility is to preserve the beautiful, loving and healthy marriage that I have. To do that sometimes I believe that the best course of action is to behave in a way that shows my wife that I respect myself, am worthy of HER respect and in fact DEMAND that she show me the same respect I show her. So when she violates the golden rule - I directly tell her AND if needed I am less helpful, warm and loving until she addresses the issue.

 

And she does the exact same in reverse. One of the many reasons I love her. This is not a "game" to me, it is a very intentional pattern of behavior focused on maintaining balance in a lifetime long relationship.

 

 

HV, I know where you are coming from, because I too believe there is no point in "forcing" anybody to do what you would like them to do... since you don't want to threaten divorce or play other little games (suggested here), you are only left with one option: reasoning with your wife, maybe through marriage counselling? I don't really know your exact situation: do you still love here? Do you want to fix your marriage? Does your wife say she loves you? You only talked about the sex side of it, but we don't have enough info regarding the rest...

[tnttim]

I can't say it will work, but it will have an effect. I have only one thing to say:

 

"Fire in the hole, fire in the hole, fire in the hole!!!"

 

It's good to see that you are finally going to try something. I hope you all the luck in the world.

[tnttim]

Let me clear the air here. I do not run my game on my wife all the time. It's like starting a business, lots of work in the beginning and then later you can sit back and enjoy the benefits.

 

As of right now, I have to do very little because my sexual stock is very high. Now I just try to stay away from anti-seductive behavior. This is the way every relationship should be, but for some of us it takes work to undo what we've done. I think some people here are missing the fact that all these men have messed up the sexual side of our relationship. What works for someone who didn't ruin her sexual side will not work for us. It is like we have to start all over with her so we can re-establish that we are in fact MEN. Once we are established as real men again, then it's just maintenance.

[giotto]

Not withstanding my level of complaint, my life in general versus my sex life is a classic Pareto analysis (90% effort for 10% of the results), or the old saw (I've read it here) that when it's good, sex is 5% of the relationship, but when it's wrong it's 95%.

 

But I have plan...

 

I cannot credit myself entirely for the plan, but I think some of the credit is mine. People here are due a large slice of said credit, but I couldn't begin to divide up it fairly. XXOO, MEM, J&C, Giotto and even TNTTIM (I am eating crow as I write) all deserve an honourable mention.

 

I can't say it will work, but it will have an effect. I have only one thing to say:

 

"Fire in the hole, fire in the hole, fire in the hole!!!"

 

well, we are happy you are taking action...

[Honorable_Venerable]

A bit of background - back in April I tried XXOO's suggestion of lasting less time in order to provoke a reaction.

The first time I did, lasting ten minutes, I got "Is that it?"

I repleid that I was quite happy to do anything she wanted to get her where she wanted, but she declined (coldly).

 

A few days later I did the same thing again, and again got the same reaction, with an added "You'll have to do better than that". Thinking this was my chance, I suggested we try some other, different things to make it more fun for both of us. She threw a blue fit and told me that after all these years I ought to have got the idea of what she wants, and anything more than me thrusting in missionary isn't it!

 

Well, that was April and nothing has happened since. She hasn't initiated (but that isn't unusual - every other year is her usual cadence!) I've made no effort to do anything - just withdrawn. This has not been easy. A bit of jerking and putting some of the energy into other things (I'm playing my guitar for the first time in about ten years) helps a bit but isn't a long-term solution.

"Fire in the hole" was what the artillerymen used to yell when I was a civil war re-enactor when they lit the cannon. It suggested getting out of the way as something was going to happen and no one could predict exactly what!

One thing she has always been solicitous about is my physical health, and if I go to the quack's, she wants to know what's up.

She brought up this morning that I hadn't tried to have sex with her (as opposed to we hadn't had sex together) for a couple of months.

I told her that I couldn't make it work, that despite my best efforts it didn't work, and I didn't enjoy sex when it didn't work for her, so I'd given up. That got her attention but the next bit really lit the fire.

 

I then said that I find sexual frustration very hard to deal with - it affects my concentration, makes me bad-tempered and difficult to live with. She said she'd noticed! So I told her that since having sex with her wasn't an option and I refuse to have an affair, I was going to the doctors. She paid attention then, not quite knowing what was coming next.

I told her I was going to discuss whether he could prescribe something to reduce my sex drive. I explained that this was an entirely rational option and a logical choice - since I cannot address the "supply side" of the issue, I would have to do something to control the "demand side". I told her this was serious - this wasn't a ploy. I had an appointment booked for this week.

 

She absolutely hit the roof. I have NEVER seen her react like that, not to anything. It looked like a mixture of anger, incredulity, worry, shame and confusion, with all of those coming to the top at different times. She yelled and screamed and cried, told me she couldn't understand why I'd do such a thing, how could I do such a thing to HER, how had it got so bad, why I hadn't said something before, how could I think it was her fault, what would the doctor think (we both have the same GP) and a slew of other things, going on for the best part of half an hour. She stormed off crying and spent all day up at the top of our garden staying out of everyone's way. She has been monosyllabic this evening so far, but I can't tell what's at the back of it.

 

I hope I haven't gone too far.

[mem11363]

That is a totally rational and smart thing to do.

 

 

A bit of background - back in April I tried XXOO's suggestion of lasting less time in order to provoke a reaction.

The first time I did, lasting ten minutes, I got "Is that it?"

I repleid that I was quite happy to do anything she wanted to get her where she wanted, but she declined (coldly).

 

A few days later I did the same thing again, and again got the same reaction, with an added "You'll have to do better than that". Thinking this was my chance, I suggested we try some other, different things to make it more fun for both of us. She threw a blue fit and told me that after all these years I ought to have got the idea of what she wants, and anything more than me thrusting in missionary isn't it!

 

Well, that was April and nothing has happened since. She hasn't initiated (but that isn't unusual - every other year is her usual cadence!) I've made no effort to do anything - just withdrawn. This has not been easy. A bit of jerking and putting some of the energy into other things (I'm playing my guitar for the first time in about ten years) helps a bit but isn't a long-term solution.

"Fire in the hole" was what the artillerymen used to yell when I was a civil war re-enactor when they lit the cannon. It suggested getting out of the way as something was going to happen and no one could predict exactly what!

One thing she has always been solicitous about is my physical health, and if I go to the quack's, she wants to know what's up.

She brought up this morning that I hadn't tried to have sex with her (as opposed to we hadn't had sex together) for a couple of months.

I told her that I couldn't make it work, that despite my best efforts it didn't work, and I didn't enjoy sex when it didn't work for her, so I'd given up. That got her attention but the next bit really lit the fire.

 

I then said that I find sexual frustration very hard to deal with - it affects my concentration, makes me bad-tempered and difficult to live with. She said she'd noticed! So I told her that since having sex with her wasn't an option and I refuse to have an affair, I was going to the doctors. She paid attention then, not quite knowing what was coming next.

I told her I was going to discuss whether he could prescribe something to reduce my sex drive. I explained that this was an entirely rational option and a logical choice - since I cannot address the "supply side" of the issue, I would have to do something to control the "demand side". I told her this was serious - this wasn't a ploy. I had an appointment booked for this week.

 

She absolutely hit the roof. I have NEVER seen her react like that, not to anything. It looked like a mixture of anger, incredulity, worry, shame and confusion, with all of those coming to the top at different times. She yelled and screamed and cried, told me she couldn't understand why I'd do such a thing, how could I do such a thing to HER, how had it got so bad, why I hadn't said something before, how could I think it was her fault, what would the doctor think (we both have the same GP) and a slew of other things, going on for the best part of half an hour. She stormed off crying and spent all day up at the top of our garden staying out of everyone's way. She has been monosyllabic this evening so far, but I can't tell what's at the back of it.

 

I hope I haven't gone too far.

[giotto]

HV. she knows now... I don't think you've gone too far... she needed to know how bad things were for you... funnily enough, you need to be understanding and careful now, because I guess it was a bit of a shock to her... but I would remain firm...

[linwood]

I hope I haven't gone too far.

 

I don`t think you have at all.

 

It sounds like a creative intelligent response to a tough situation.

 

I`m sure the reaction is priceless.

 

Thank you for teaching me something.

 

[silverfish]

that's funny and I bet the make up sex is great - only thing is that will only work once and once only so how does that help things long term?

[giotto]

that's funny and I bet the make up sex is great - only thing is that will only work once and once only so how does that help things long term?

 

will see... but it seems to me that she has to re-learn how to express herself sexually... that won't be easy and I suspect she might bury her head under the sand and find some kind of reasoning for her behaviour... it will be easier for her to ignore it and stay sexless than to be proactive. I also believe she will be wanting to "punish" HV for the humiliation received...

 

HV, the doctor will say you are depressed and he/she will give you antidepressants... they always do that. My doctor offered them to me and I took them because they are great at killing the libido... also, a nice glass of red wine in the evening will finish the job... no more sex to worry about!

I'm off them now, but they do work...

[Jack & Coke]

Definitely stick it out. Remain open and compassionate but firm in your stance. If you let her off the hook things will go right back to normal in a flash. Allow the balance of power to shift in your favor a little.

[tnttim]

HV, I think you'll get some pity sex, but is that what you really want. It's only a matter of time before she goes back to the same cold wife she's always been. It's like Giotto's divorcing ploy to get sex, it only works short term. In both cases the women now feel obligated, and feel sorry for you. Your wives also think it's her fault for not giving you enough sex, that's not what sex is supposed to be like.

 

I don't understand why you call what I do a game, and a ploy, but what you did is perfectly fine. All you did was bold face lie, and the gp might bust you out. He could say there is no such drug that lowers you sex drive unless you are suffering from a mental condition.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am glad you are at least trying something, but......

[xxoo]

HV, I think your approach is a good one as long as your aren't bluffing in order to force her hand.

 

It is great that you are focusing on what you can do to improve your situation, rather than what she can do. It is fine that your actions are making her uncomfortable, since you have been uncomfortable for too long.

 

But, will you honestly accept a pill as a solution, if it comes to that?

[tnttim]

that's funny and I bet the make up sex is great - only thing is that will only work once and once only so how does that help things long term?

 

 

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[giotto]

 

But, will you honestly accept a pill as a solution, if it comes to that?

 

I did, until I got fed up with it and reclaimed the rights to a proper sex life...

 

I don't agree with people who say that this might not work. It's definitely a wake-up call for his wife and it might lead to a constructive outcome. Unfortunately it depends on his wife. HV is playing the only card he's got, since he won't contemplate divorce.

 

tnttim says it didn't work with my wife, but it did. I know for sure now it's not pity sex, because I'm not seeking it. So, when we have sex, I know it's for real. She is quite explosive in bed at the moment...

 

My only fear is that, without a forceful statement like asking for a divorce, the threat (if HV allows me the word) might not be powerful enough...

[tnttim]

tnttim says it didn't work with my wife, but it did. I know for sure now it's not pity sex, because I'm not seeking it. So, when we have sex, I know it's for real. She is quite explosive in bed at the moment...

 

You said it only worked short term.

[Jack & Coke]

I agree Gio. This move was the catalyst. We won't know if it works or not without knowing how he plans to follow through. What you do with it is really what counts.

[giotto]

You said it only worked short term.

 

yes, but that was before I showed no interest in sex... now it's better and the sex is better. Will it last? I hope so...

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

I don't understand why you call what I do a game, and a ploy, but what you did is perfectly fine. All you did was bold face lie, and the gp might bust you out. He could say there is no such drug that lowers you sex drive unless you are suffering from a mental condition.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am glad you are at least trying something, but......

No, I intend to go through with it - it's no lie. If the issue cannot be solved from the supply side, then the demand side is, inter alia, all that can be addressed. He may say there is no such drug, but I am asking with the intent of obtaining what is available. If he suggests that I should try other avenues again first, so be it.

[Honorable_Venerable]

She remained monosyllabic all night, and this morning. She hasn't said anything in connection with my plan, but interestingly, she won't make any sort of eye contact with me at all. My appointment is tomorrow morning and I'll take it from there.

[mem11363]

You have done nothing wrong. In fact, just the opposite. I do think your W fears losing the leverage she had over you when you were chasing her sexually. Scary loss of power/control for her.

 

She remained monosyllabic all night, and this morning. She hasn't said anything in connection with my plan, but interestingly, she won't make any sort of eye contact with me at all. My appointment is tomorrow morning and I'll take it from there.