My mother's infidelity

[jane-mary]

Hello everyone,

 

I recently found out that my mother has been having an affair with a widower. This has caused me soo much pain and I've lost faith in what I've believed in my whole life. I never expected my mom to cheat on my father who's been a wonderful father to us. I want to point put that my mother has been a good mother and she's very respected in our community. It started after my dad had a stroke and she was spending time working with this guy.

 

My question to married women who've cheated on good husbands is why? Our family seemed perfect and my friends always envied how close we were and it all now seems to be a lie.

 

My mother will not confess to my father and I honestly don't want to be involved. I'm angry as to why my mom would put me in this position (telling me about it). It just seems selfish that she dumped her baggage on me. I'm trying to make sense of what has happened. The affair has been going on for 10 years (My brother and I found out when I was 16 and she promised us that she'd stopped, she'd take us to hotels where she'd meet with her boyfriend but she said that they were only friends).

[Rosie428]

I can understand how upsetting this is to you! I would tell your mother how this has upset you and you do not want to be involved. Explain to her that it has put you in a very awkward position and now you feel you are keeping something from your father and ask her what does she expect you to do now. I would urge her to come clean with him and take the consequences, and if she won't then ask her never to mention it again.

[Got it]

I found out about my mother's affair though her's had been over for decades. I had a rush of anger but it was more towards the complete bs that my parent's marriage was and how it was obviously apparent even early on they should have divorced. I was anger at my mom for not taking the opportunity to be true to everyone and instead played it safe.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. You should not be in the middle of it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would drop dime. The only way to take yourself out of the equation is to make it no equation at all...

 

Simple as that.

[JustJoe]

I agree with Chrome. She told you and put you in the middle, and so now you're supposed to choose between her and your Dad? F**K that!! If I were you, I would be honest with the parent who was honest with you. Tell your mom to tell your Dad the truth, or you will. Your MOM is the cheater, she should have to face the music.

[sally4sara]

What state has your father's stroke left him in?

[White Flower]

Please keep in mind that perfect fathers don't always make perfect husbands. Even if he was a perfect H, that doesn't mean he is perfect for her. But that doesn't make it right to cheat and it certainly doesn't make it fair that she brought you into the middle of it.

 

I would tell her that you don't want any details and that she needs to figure things out on her own. I'm sorry she took you to the hotels, wow. I can't even imagine what a picture that puts in your head.

 

I was an OW who was M at the time the EA with a MM began and only confided in my eldest daughter when confronted. She had clues but going through my cell phone was the clincher. MM said he loved me in a text and sentimental me kept it. But I never told her anything unless she asked me. That continues to this day, today being the last as we broke up.

 

My D knowing was another reason that drove me to finally file for D even though we were living separately in the same house. It just couldn't go on much longer and since my D knew I needed to make it right, as well as the fact that MM and I were going from EA to PA.

 

My father had an A after my mother had a stroke too. I think what happens is the surviving spouse sees death at their door and needs one last chance at real happiness. Life is short and something as devastating and real as a stroke reminds us of this. She could leave him, but who the he** is going to take care of him? This was my dad's problem. We all took care of her as his A continued to grow. I hated him at first, but then I realized that this was tough work and God did he need some fun. Eventually, his happiness became important to me and my siblings and we could kind of understand it.

 

It is a paradox really. The one who is supposed to love us most should be there when we need them most but what if that person isn't strong enough without love in their life to carry it through? I think your mother may be filling herself with love and strength from the OM which then helps her to carry on with the work of rehabilitating your dad? I could be off but that is how it worked at my house.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The one who is supposed to love us most should be there when we need them most but what if that person isn't strong enough without love in their life to carry it through? I think your mother may be filling herself with love and strength from the OM which then helps her to carry on with the work of rehabilitating your dad? I could be off but that is how it worked at my house.

 

That statement is totally disgusting and dispicable, WF. Her husband is sick or had a stroke and she's off F-ing someone else and you call it love, but let me guess if the situation was reversed and the man was doing it, you'd hang him from his balls and lynch him right???

 

What this woman is doing is wrong plain and simple and for you to sit up here and to call it love is totally inapporpiate and downright stupid.

 

I didnt know love came at the expense of your loved ones. Stepping on others to make yourself feel better is nothing more than a bully who torments you because they have low self esteem, and they focus all their crappy aspects on those they deem weak.

 

GTFO. that's just nor right!!!! Period!

[JustJoe]

Jeez, WF, I can't believe your last paragraph. With all due respect, the selfishness and duplicity of it is astounding.....Listen, OP Your mom, contrary to WF, isn't Mother Teresa, loving and supporting your father, while screwing behind his back. She is a selfish cheater, who only loves herself and her image as a mother and wife , but betrays her husband and now her daughter. My opinion stands, tell her to tell your Dad the truth, or you should.

Edited May 8, 2010 by JustJoe

[cyabye]

Please keep in mind that perfect fathers don't always make perfect husbands. Even if he was a perfect H, that doesn't mean he is perfect for her. But that doesn't make it right to cheat and it certainly doesn't make it fair that she brought you into the middle of it.

 

I would tell her that you don't want any details and that she needs to figure things out on her own. I'm sorry she took you to the hotels, wow. I can't even imagine what a picture that puts in your head.

 

I was an OW who was M at the time the EA with a MM began and only confided in my eldest daughter when confronted. She had clues but going through my cell phone was the clincher. MM said he loved me in a text and sentimental me kept it. But I never told her anything unless she asked me. That continues to this day, today being the last as we broke up.

 

My D knowing was another reason that drove me to finally file for D even though we were living separately in the same house. It just couldn't go on much longer and since my D knew I needed to make it right, as well as the fact that MM and I were going from EA to PA.

 

My father had an A after my mother had a stroke too. I think what happens is the surviving spouse sees death at their door and needs one last chance at real happiness. Life is short and something as devastating and real as a stroke reminds us of this. She could leave him, but who the he** is going to take care of him? This was my dad's problem. We all took care of her as his A continued to grow. I hated him at first, but then I realized that this was tough work and God did he need some fun. Eventually, his happiness became important to me and my siblings and we could kind of understand it.

 

It is a paradox really. The one who is supposed to love us most should be there when we need them most but what if that person isn't strong enough without love in their life to carry it through? I think your mother may be filling herself with love and strength from the OM which then helps her to carry on with the work of rehabilitating your dad? I could be off but that is how it worked at my house.

 

Being in an affair yourself, I can see how you would find this situation "UNDERSTANDABLE" and possibly "NORMAL" or "OK". Unbelievable.

 

cya

[turnstone]

Jane-Mary, you're in an impossible situation and its very understandable why you're angry with your mom. She's done you no favors by telling you about her affair. Because of your father's health, the situation both your parents are in is delicate and there is no way anyone can second guess your mother's reasons or motives.

 

Are you able to talk to your mother about this? Are you able to ask her why she's doing this, why she told you and express your own disappointment to her?

[jane-mary]

What state has your father's stroke left him in?

 

It was bad for about 3 months in the year 2000 and then he became fully functional after a year. In my naivete, I thought it brought my family closer because my mom was a trooper, she worked very hard to make my dad feel better.

[jane-mary]

I agree with Chrome. She told you and put you in the middle, and so now you're supposed to choose between her and your Dad? F**K that!! If I were you, I would be honest with the parent who was honest with you. Tell your mom to tell your Dad the truth, or you will. Your MOM is the cheater, she should have to face the music.

 

I don't live with my parents and I actually found out through a text msg from my mother last week. We're very close(or so I thought) and so, I could feel when I was talking to her that something was wrong and so, I kept asking her what was wrong and she said nothing. She then texted me to say that she was heartbroken because her boyfriend was pressuring her to divorce my dad or he'd marry another woman. My mom of course doesn't want to divorce my dad and she was angry at her bf for putting her in that position.

 

I think bf is about to get married to someone else and so he said he wants my mom to be his mistress since she won't even tell my dad. She also told me in the text that she had too much 'dignity' to be a mistress! I sent a text back to her letting her know that my sister and I will be learning from her example. She admitted lying 9 yrs ago that she had ended the affair. Now she's avoiding the topic altogether and says that if she'd known that I'd scold her, she wouldn't have told me! How she was just confiding her heartbreak to me . She thought I was going to sympathize and now she says she's done with the affair for good (why should I believe that?)

[jane-mary]

Thank you whiteflower for sharing but it's hard to swallow. My dad was functional(walking without support) after 3 months and fully functional(back to work) after a year. He's priorities sort of changed after the stroke because he used to work a lot and now he was spending more time with us. I don't get why this wasn't enough for my mom and she's a well respected person in society.

[jane-mary]

Jeez, WF, I can't believe your last paragraph. With all due respect, the selfishness and duplicity of it is astounding.....Listen, OP Your mom, contrary to WF, isn't Mother Teresa, loving and supporting your father, while screwing behind his back. She is a selfish cheater, who only loves herself and her image as a mother and wife , but betrays her husband and now her daughter. My opinion stands, tell her to tell your Dad the truth, or you should.

 

 

I can't tell my dad, my mom would never forgive me and I don't think it's the right thing for me as their child to do so. My dad loves and worships my mother (moreso after the stroke because she 'stood by him' at the time). He would choose not to believe me. He had suspicions in the beginning of the affair(9yrs ago) but she denied it and they would fight about it and I guess he decided to trust her. I don't know

[jane-mary]

to turnstone, my mother refuses to talk about it and my dad is fine now. I guess my problem is that I used to have this idealistic look at life and now I'm just questioning my beliefs. I don't know what to believe and I can't tell anyone because I'm just ashamed at what she did. If you knew my mother you wouldn't even imagine that she was capable of an affair. She does A LOT of charity work, supports poor people through college and takes in the poor. I am now wondering how much of that is done out of guilt. I've never met anyone more giving than her. It's all contradictory to me.

[JustJoe]

Jane, this is a horrible thing your MOM has done to your family. Will you keep it from your Dad for the rest of his life? You should not have been put in this position, but now that you are, you have a choice to make. Be honest with your father, who is always honest with you, or by not telling, help your MOM to deceive and shame your father. You are young, please make the honest choice. You be the honest person, that you wish your MOM was. Tell him the truth. And make sure that your MOM's affair is over. You can do this by outing the OM to his fiance, if necessary.

[Bryanp]

I just want to make sure I understand this fully. Your father has been functionally since 2000. Have they continued to be sexually intimate? If this is the case then your father must be told. Your mother continues to put him at risk for STD's. Your father deserves to know. If the OM is married I would contact his spouse also. Your mother has not only humiliated and disrespect your father but your entire family as well. Your story is so sad.

[scatterd]

Im sorry you know this but your father needs to know.That is being kicked when your already down.They had vows where the promise was through sickness and health.He does not have to say where he heard it he would not let you be hurt.Im so sorry you have this to deal with.

[sally4sara]

It was bad for about 3 months in the year 2000 and then he became fully functional after a year. In my naivete, I thought it brought my family closer because my mom was a trooper, she worked very hard to make my dad feel better.

 

Then I got nothing. I thought (without trying to make an excuse) maybe your father was physically dependent on your mother and the family and worried telling him would just bring misery.

 

But not the case - carry on how you will.

[Darth Vader]

I don't live with my parents and I actually found out through a text msg from my mother last week. We're very close(or so I thought) and so, I could feel when I was talking to her that something was wrong and so, I kept asking her what was wrong and she said nothing. She then texted me to say that she was heartbroken because her boyfriend was pressuring her to divorce my dad or he'd marry another woman. My mom of course doesn't want to divorce my dad and she was angry at her bf for putting her in that position.

 

I think bf is about to get married to someone else and so he said he wants my mom to be his mistress since she won't even tell my dad. She also told me in the text that she had too much 'dignity' to be a mistress! I sent a text back to her letting her know that my sister and I will be learning from her example. She admitted lying 9 yrs ago that she had ended the affair. Now she's avoiding the topic altogether and says that if she'd known that I'd scold her, she wouldn't have told me! How she was just confiding her heartbreak to me . She thought I was going to sympathize and now she says she's done with the affair for good (why should I believe that?)

 

 

You need to just tell your father, after all, if you were being cheated on (you are by your mom), wouldn't you want to know?

 

I can't tell my dad, my mom would never forgive me and I don't think it's the right thing for me as their child to do so. My dad loves and worships my mother (moreso after the stroke because she 'stood by him' at the time). He would choose not to believe me. He had suspicions in the beginning of the affair(9yrs ago) but she denied it and they would fight about it and I guess he decided to trust her. I don't know

 

It wasn't right for your mom to tell her child that she's riding some other man! She basically shoved it right in your face, almost like taunting you in some sick way, Don't let your mother waste any more years of your father's life, because that's exactly what she's doing. As far as your mom never forgiving you, well, that's not her place, it wasn't her place to tell you and put you in the middle like that. Just comfirm his suspicions that he had years ago.

[White Flower]

My father had an A after my mother had a stroke too. I think what happens is the surviving spouse sees death at their door and needs one last chance at real happiness. Life is short and something as devastating and real as a stroke reminds us of this. She could leave him, but who the he** is going to take care of him? This was my dad's problem. We all took care of her as his A continued to grow. I hated him at first, but then I realized that this was tough work and God did he need some fun. Eventually, his happiness became important to me and my siblings and we could kind of understand it.

 

It is a paradox really. The one who is supposed to love us most should be there when we need them most but what if that person isn't strong enough without love in their life to carry it through? I think your mother may be filling herself with love and strength from the OM which then helps her to carry on with the work of rehabilitating your dad? I could be off but that is how it worked at my house.

All I can say is if you haven't been there then you don't know. Experience folks, it teaches you something, and the lesson may surprise you.

 

The one who is supposed to love us most should be there when we need them most but what if that person isn't strong enough without love in their life to carry it through? I think your mother may be filling herself with love and strength from the OM which then helps her to carry on with the work of rehabilitating your dad? I could be off but that is how it worked at my house.

 

That statement is totally disgusting and dispicable, WF. Her husband is sick or had a stroke and she's off F-ing someone else and you call it love, but let me guess if the situation was reversed and the man was doing it, you'd hang him from his balls and lynch him right???

 

GTFO. that's just nor right!!!! Period!

You GTFO Chrome! j/k.

 

It sounds so passionate, your statement, and very indignant. There are different kinds of love and she displayed a passionate one to her b/f and a caring one to her H. It sucks, I know, but it is what it is. She actually stood by her man even if she was with someone else. I couldn't do it, that is why I D'd, but had my H been sick I might have found myself making the same sacrifice. You can call it F'd up all you want but if 'doing the right thing' (leaving the M for someone she really loved) when her H was down would have been even more F'd up if you ask me or anyone who's been there. Why do you think she has all this respect in her community? Because she actually does the work. Jane-Mary is right, she probably does the work to overcome her grandiose sense of guilt.

 

Jeez, WF, I can't believe your last paragraph. With all due respect, the selfishness and duplicity of it is astounding......

It IS unbelievable to most of us because most of us are not duplicitous. Even I left my H because I couldn't be duplicitous, but many people can be. I'm just showing Jane-Mary what her mother must be thinking since that is why she started this thread.

Being in an affair yourself, I can see how you would find this situation "UNDERSTANDABLE" and possibly "NORMAL" or "OK". Unbelievable.

 

cya

No longer in an A sweetheart because I don't want 'this normal' to be 'my normal'. But I did want to answer Jane-Mary's question as to what her mom was thinking because my dad was in the same boat.

Thank you whiteflower for sharing but it's hard to swallow. My dad was functional(walking without support) after 3 months and fully functional(back to work) after a year. He's priorities sort of changed after the stroke because he used to work a lot and now he was spending more time with us. I don't get why this wasn't enough for my mom and she's a well respected person in society.

I'm so happy your dad recovered fully. My mom never did. She lived with 7 years of hell and at the end more heart attacks and strokes took her. My dad left for the OW, but came back to see my mom through to the end. It was hard on his R with OW and us because he was trying to 'do the right thing'. But when my mom's health didn't progress he came back for the 'through thick and through thin' and did his part. It wasn't unloving, you must know that. They had 35 years of love and caring and his affection for her was genuine even if there was no romantic love and passion. She knew of the OW and accepted it. She also knew that he was fulfilling a duty and accepted that.

 

Your dad is luckier. I think, if he could handle a D your mom should finally make her break. But if she has a tendency to be overly guilty I wonder if she has other issues she has not shared with you and she would need IC for that. You might want to suggest that to her before she makes any further decisions.

 

Best,

WF.

 

ps

Your dad's stroke was probably measured as 'golf ball' sized or smaller. My mother's was unusually massive, the size of a lemon. It was horrible; therefore, needed much more support. Had my parents D'd before this stroke my dad wouldn't have been the bad guy, right? Hedging folks, stop hedging.

[Dexter Morgan]

If my mother had cheated on my father, I'd disown her.

[White Flower]

If my mother had cheated on my father, I'd disown her.

No you wouldn't. But think what you want.

[Dexter Morgan]

I would drop dime. The only way to take yourself out of the equation is to make it no equation at all...

 

Simple as that.

 

perhaps her mother dropped the baggage on her hoping that she would tell her father so she wouldn't have to?

 

I mean really, If her mother doesn't want her own husband to find out, then why tell their child? How stupid is that?