My mother's infidelity

[White Flower]

perhaps her mother dropped the baggage on her hoping that she would tell her father so she wouldn't have to?

 

I mean really, If her mother doesn't want her own husband to find out, then why tell their child? How stupid is that?

It's not stupid Dex. It goes to show that most children can be trusted not to disown their parents.

[Dexter Morgan]

Please keep in mind that perfect fathers don't always make perfect husbands.

 

oh here we go:rolleyes:

 

how about we not assume things in an effort to stick up for a cheater

[Dexter Morgan]

I didnt know love came at the expense of your loved ones.

 

I also didn't know that there were subliminal messages in wedding vows that said, "to love and honor, to forsake all others (*unless one falls ill*)"

 

Sorry jane, not making light of this. Its just disgusting how some people try to justify cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

All I can say is if you haven't been there then you don't know. Experience folks, it teaches you something, and the lesson may surprise you.

 

 

and what lesson would that be WF? don't sell yourself short sexually if the one you claim to love falls ill?

 

disgusting

[Dexter Morgan]

No you wouldn't. But think what you want.

 

yes I would, you can think what you want.

 

hell, I even have a friend that won't speak to his mother to this very day

 

and gosh darn it, if he can do it, I can do it!!

[SoleMate]

Your mother has done a horrible thing in telling you. Now you're guardian of her secret, which you never wanted to be. And if you keep the secret, you're betraying your father.

 

Please note that the situation is very different compared to say the daughter just suspecting or wondering about an A. In this case she has been provided specific information.

 

I wouldn't be quick to either tell, or decide to never tell, but would think it over. After all, you cannot "untell" your dad.

 

One possibility: When you tell your dad, you don't need to say "Mom is having an affair". After all, you don't have first hand knowledge beyond a reasonable doubt. What you CAN say...and in my opinion, probably should, is "I'm worried about something very strange that Mom told me. She said she is having an affair. Why would she say that to me? I don't know how to deal with this."

[Dexter Morgan]

It's not stupid Dex. It goes to show that most children can be trusted not to disown their parents.

 

wasn't talking about the mother telling the daughter thinking she won't disown her, its stupid of the mother to think she will NEVER tell her father.

[White Flower]

I also didn't know that there were subliminal messages in wedding vows that said, "to love and honor, to forsake all others (*unless one falls ill*)"

 

Sorry jane, not making light of this. Its just disgusting how some people try to justify cheating.

Once again Dex, sigh, it is not about justifying cheating. Stop confusing people just to make your immature comments. You are stuck in anger and you will never get over your own betrayal until you accept the sadness of it all.

 

Anyway, when we make vows we actually mean them. The only wrong thing about vows is that WE CANNOT PROMISE LOVE IN THE FUTURE even though we mean it now. I am sure the Church will catch on to this one day but for now, even though the the D rate is 50-60% we go on attending weddings and listen to these false promises as if we actually believe all these couples will stay M forever. What a paradox, actually.

 

People change. And when they do they should make adjustments such as separate or D but they don't. Our society makes it too difficult to do that. Just look at LS or SI. It happens every day of the week to at least 50-60% of all couples yet we sit here in anger and shock as if it were the first time we're hearing about it.

 

Especially you Dex, because you're still stuck in anger.

[Dexter Morgan]

Once again Dex, sigh, it is not about justifying cheating.

 

bulls##t WF. first thing out of your mouth in this thread was all of a sudden trying to make people think that her father could be at fault. Rather than deal with her mother's OBVIOUS lousy actions and unloading this crap onto her dauther...first thing you focus on is that the father must not be enough for her, and such along those lines. Nothing the OP said indicated her father wasn't a good husband, other than getting sick. You just assumed that.

 

 

Stop confusing people just to make your immature comments.

 

funny how my comments are immature, but sleeping with another woman's husband is not.

 

 

You are stuck in anger and you will never get over your own betrayal until you accept the sadness of it all.

 

sorry babe, you can believe what ya like. over it a long time ago. doesn't mean i don't despise people that betray and hurt others in real life.

[dangerouslydead]

JM, here are some questions for you to answer. We do not know the relationship that your parents have but there are some basic requirements for a husband-wife relationship to be fulfilling

 

1. Do you think your mother respects your father less because of the affair? It is often seen that cheating spouses look at their partners as "Clueless" and take pleasure in pulling a fast over over. Do you think there was this contempt in your mother's mind when the affair was on?

 

2. If the answer of the first question is yes, do you want your father to go on being looked down upon and not respected by the most important person in his life?

 

3. If you were being cheated upon by your spouse and your child was in the know would you want to know or happily be the "Clueless"

 

4. It is sure that OM in your mother's wife had nothing but contempt for your father because he was taking something away from him that was legally and spiritually his. Do you think your mother should get away with making your father a laughing stock in the OM's eyes?

 

5. Does your father deserve to be cheated upon and made into a cuckold? Does he deserve a chance to make a choice for his own? Right now, your mother chose to make him a cuckold and you are choosing to keep in the dark! Do you think he should have a choice in making his own destiny?

 

Once you answer these the course of action will become clearer to you.

[dangerouslydead]

 

People change. And when they do they should make adjustments such as separate or D but they don't. Our society makes it too difficult to do that. Just look at LS or SI. It happens every day of the week to at least 50-60% of all couples yet we sit here in anger and shock as if it were the first time we're hearing about it.

 

I agree with you that people change. Now, if you have subscribed to a scheme on your mobile connection and the scheme changes do you want to be informed? If yes, then why shouldn't someone who has signed a contract of marriage be informed if the rules of marriage have changed? Right now, one part of the contract has been thrown out and one party to the contract has not even been informed. Do you think he has a right to be informed about the change in the contract?

 

Sorry for the simplistic example but look at it, with D rate as high as 50-60%, marriage has turned into a cold contract anyway!

Edited May 8, 2010 by dangerouslydead
Wrong word used

[White Flower]

and what lesson would that be WF? don't sell yourself short sexually if the one you claim to love falls ill?

 

disgusting

No Dex. The lessons are that you never know how you'll react in a situation until you're in it for one.

 

You must think that I automatically accepted my dad's A right away. Wrong! I was angry at him for years. Then I looked at the entire process for a long time from every possible angle and realized that nobody is perfect. Had he left when he was unhappy he wouldn't be a cheater. But very very few people actually do this. Again, our society makes it pretty difficult to D with all the assets, life insurance, stocks, etc. You can say how easy it is all you want but it's pretty hard.

[Dexter Morgan]

No Dex. The lessons are that you never know how you'll react in a situation until you're in it for one.

 

You must think that I automatically accepted my dad's A right away. Wrong! I was angry at him for years.

 

given the way you turned out, of course you can't be angry at your dad. it would be rather hypocritical.

 

I'm different. I despise such behavior and will never become that which I despise. i know this about myself....you didn't.

[White Flower]

bulls##t WF. first thing out of your mouth in this thread was all of a sudden trying to make people think that her father could be at fault. Rather than deal with her mother's OBVIOUS lousy actions and unloading this crap onto her dauther...first thing you focus on is that the father must not be enough for her, and such along those lines. Nothing the OP said indicated her father wasn't a good husband, other than getting sick. You just assumed that.

 

 

 

 

funny how my comments are immature, but sleeping with another woman's husband is not.

 

 

 

 

sorry babe, you can believe what ya like. over it a long time ago. doesn't mean i don't despise people that betray and hurt others in real life.

Once again you see what you want. That's ok Dex, you'll mature and finally see things differently one day, I believe in you.

 

I never said her father was at fault! I said her father might be a perfect H FOR HER MOTHER. That isn't to say that he wouldn't be a perfect H for somebody else. Understand now? Not all Ws are perfect for you and not all Hs are perfect for their Ws no matter how wonderful they are. One day you will understand this concept, I have faith in you.

 

It doesn't matter how the OP sees her dad. She wants to know why her mother sees him that way. Sometimes wonderful people just aren't right for us. That goes for you too.

[White Flower]

given the way you turned out, of course you can't be angry at your dad. it would be rather hypocritical.

 

I'm different. I despise such behavior and will never become that which I despise. i know this about myself....you didn't.

Well it didn't work out in that order because I didn't have my A before I learned my lesson. The lesson was learned years before the A.

 

I did know this about myself. Then it changed. See how that works Dex? People change. Thier feelings change. And sometimes even their acrtions change. I'm sorry you live in a world where all these people change but now that you know this I think you should accept it.

[White Flower]

I agree with you that people change. Now, if you have subscribed to a scheme on your mobile connection and the scheme changes do you want to be informed? If yes, then why shouldn't someone who has signed a contract of marriage be informed if the rules of marriage have changed? Right now, one part of the contract has been thrown out and one party to the contract has not even been informed. Do you think he has a right to be informed about the change in the contract?

 

Sorry for the simplistic example but look at it, with D rate as high as 50-60%, marriage has turned into a cold contract anyway!

You're absolutely right and I think you're preaching to the converted! I DID D when I knew my EA was going to turn PA, I just couldn't live the double life. My dad even left at that point too but when my mom's health got worse instead of better he came back. Only difference between the OP's mom and my dad is my dad disclosed his A. My mom had to accept that it was still ongoing because she needed support during PT, Speech therapy, doctor and hospital visits, surgeries, and so on. It was a practical matter at that point but that didn't mean he wasn't caring and it didn't mean that they didn't have good times and laughter. I guess you can't imagine that if you haven't experienced it.

[karnak]

I don't want to offend anyone, but this particular story really made me sick.

 

I think we can take this as a "final proof" that, in the end, cheaters really are selfish people.

 

Imagine... a woman living a lie for more than 10 years, lying to her husband and her own kids.

 

People, if you have stronger feelings for another man/woman, then do the only honourable thing and admit it. Try to work on your marriage/relationship OR LEAVE.

 

Would anyone like to invest in a "business venture", knowing their partner would be stealing the company's profits behind their back? I know this may sound like a stupid example. But cheating is stupid too.

 

Why do people invest in emotional/sexual partners without leaving their official ones? Too worried that the relationship will degrade or fizzle and they will be left with nothing? That's why society uses the term "have the cake and eat it too", I guess.

 

In my past relationships I had the opportunity to cheat several times. I never did. Why?

Because i knew it meant disrespect towards the person i was living with.

 

I've been tricked several times throughout my life. And I've known many, far too many cheaters. One thing they all share in common: their own interest and happiness is far more important than the happiness of others around them.

 

I'm not saying one should stay in a ****ty relationship. No-one should. No-one must.

But, for God's sake... don't lie to anyone. IT'S WRONG!

 

Be a Woman or a Man and assume your feelings and desires before your spouses and the world. Give yourselves and the people you really love (i.e. the OM / OW) an opportunity to live a spotless love - A love relationship without trace of shame, guilt or cowardice.

 

Love isn't about fear of being discovered, sexual lust, filling emotional voids or validation needs. It's about GIVING.

 

Crime and corruption are made in the dark and behind people's backs. Not love.

 

Be honest, just as you want everyone else to be as honest with you.

 

Sorry, people. I had to vent. Otherwise i felt like I would explode. I'm tired of so much hypocrisy and politically-correct **** in today's world.

 

 

 

My advice to you, Jane-Mary: tell your father what's happening. He has the right to know what is happening in his life. And if your mother will not forgive you for revealing such an obscene behaviour, that means she's an hypocrite and that she doesn't really love you (if your father had been having an affair, would she want you to hide it from her as well ?)

 

I know this must be a very hard situation for you. Trust your feelings and do what you think is the right thing to do.

 

All the best to you in this difficult hour.

[road]

The dad is being harmed and his daughter won't stop him from the harm continuing.

 

This BH needs the truth. The Daughter must tell. The mom will get over it.

[jnj express]

Your mother doesn't wanna be her scumbag BF's mistress---what does she think she has been for 10 long years. Now this guy is giving your mother an ultimatum, so she is now gonna stop spreading her legs---and grow old with your father---do we have this right!!!!!

 

Jane-Mary, too bad your mother told you, cuz now this deep dirty dark secret is yours and will fester in you

 

Tell your mother either she tells, or you will tell---bottom line your father needs to know that for most of his married life he has been 2nd best, and his mge. is a lie, and a hoax

[Samantha0905]

Jeez, WF, I can't believe your last paragraph. With all due respect, the selfishness and duplicity of it is astounding.....Listen, OP Your mom, contrary to WF, isn't Mother Teresa, loving and supporting your father, while screwing behind his back. She is a selfish cheater, who only loves herself and her image as a mother and wife , but betrays her husband and now her daughter. My opinion stands, tell her to tell your Dad the truth, or you should.

 

I highly doubt her mother only loves herself Joe. What she has done (the affair) is selfish. It doesn't make her entirety of life selfish.

 

I also hardly think jane-mary should tell.

 

I can't tell my dad, my mom would never forgive me and I don't think it's the right thing for me as their child to do so. My dad loves and worships my mother (moreso after the stroke because she 'stood by him' at the time). He would choose not to believe me. He had suspicions in the beginning of the affair(9yrs ago) but she denied it and they would fight about it and I guess he decided to trust her. I don't know

 

I'm so sorry your mother shared this information with you. It was a very selfish thing to do. People who are in affairs are not thinking straightly. She is in a confused and awful situation -- and yes, she put herself there. I'm sorry your idealistic outlook on life has been shattered, but life is not ideal. People aren't perfect and they do make horrible mistakes.

 

Your mother is not a bad person. She's done a horrible thing. I'm sure she has some redeeming qualities also. Perhaps after your father's stroke she felt vulnerable. Or perhaps there were other things in the marriage which made it difficult. It doesn't mean it's a bad marriage as a whole. It means your mother made a very bad choice. I'm not excusing what she has done, but people aren't infallible.

 

If she's still having the affair after your knowledge of it, I don't know what to think. It sounds like she needs a reality check if that's the case.

 

In any event, I don't think you should take it upon yourself to tell your father. Your mother should be ashamed for telling you and I'm truly sorry you have had to experience all of this. Perhaps you should seek some IC to deal with your pain.

[Owl]

In my case, I'd point blank tell my mom that she needed to go have a sit down discussion, and disclose the affair to dad.

 

Or else I would.

 

Point blank.

 

But that's how I am...others may choose differently I guess.

[jnj express]

For those of you say her mom is not a bad person---that is pure BS---A.'s are the worse thing possible---but a 10 YEAR A.----It has been like she is a bigamist, and that is a CRIME.

 

Jane--Mary---if you't wanna tell fine---but start dropping hints, or send anonymous things that will point your father in the right direction.

 

No one deserves to come home every night for 10 years , see their supposedly loving spouse, and have that spouse look them in the eyes for EVERY DAY OF 10 YEARS, and tell them everything is fine. Jane--Mary give your father a break

[Samantha0905]

For those of you say her mom is not a bad person---that is pure BS---A.'s are the worse thing possible---but a 10 YEAR A.----It has been like she is a bigamist, and that is a CRIME.

 

Jane--Mary---if you't wanna tell fine---but start dropping hints, or send anonymous things that will point your father in the right direction.

 

No one deserves to come home every night for 10 years , see their supposedly loving spouse, and have that spouse look them in the eyes for EVERY DAY OF 10 YEARS, and tell them everything is fine. Jane--Mary give your father a break

 

Didn't see the 10 years part -- yes, that is quite a while.

[JustJoe]

So Sam, you think that it's perfectly all right for Jane to aid her mom"s infidelity, by not telling. So you would have Jane be deceitful with her father, as well? Should Jane lie and deceive one parent , to protect the parent who has done horrible wrong, and continues to do so? Jane, your future self-respect is more important than you MOM's anger. If your father ever finds out about the affair and learns that you knew and did not tell him , how will you feel then? Your Mother is the person in the wrong, you need to protect your relationship with the parent who isn't a cheater and betrayer, because your MOM has also betrayed you, by putting you in this position.

[jwi71]

Your mother was despicable not only in the A but in telling you.

 

She is, in essence, forcing you to choose one parent over the other.

 

You choose your Mom by not telling. You choose your Dad by telling.

 

No matter which way you choose YOU lose.

 

Disgusting for your Mom to do that.

 

Personally - I'd tell.