My mother's infidelity

[Hop_prophet]

I just want to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this. It is horrible and unfair and the story is truly heat-breaking. It is difficult not to judge your mother as an awful person for putting her family through this. I'm sure she has some good qualities but I think very few people are capable of this level of deception - And for her to expect sympathy is ridiculous.

 

I would feel morally obligated to tell, however I might relax that in this case because of your fathers health. It is such a difficult choice, but I would not want my father's remaining years in life to be unhappy and this would devastate him. If you think he can recover and find someone else then telling is the right thing to do IMO.

[Cinnamon2000]

to turnstone, my mother refuses to talk about it and my dad is fine now. I guess my problem is that I used to have this idealistic look at life and now I'm just questioning my beliefs. I don't know what to believe and I can't tell anyone because I'm just ashamed at what she did. If you knew my mother you wouldn't even imagine that she was capable of an affair. She does A LOT of charity work, supports poor people through college and takes in the poor. I am now wondering how much of that is done out of guilt. I've never met anyone more giving than her. It's all contradictory to me.

 

Your mom is sleeping with another man, who is sleeping with at least another woman who he might marry. Who knows who else your mom's other man and his girlfriend is sleeping with. Do you want to wait until your dad get a STD or two or HIV before you disclose it to him. Don't you think it's selfish of you to not tell him?

 

This is not a distant uncle. This is your dad, your father, your parent.

[jane-mary]

Your mother has done a horrible thing in telling you. Now you're guardian of her secret, which you never wanted to be. And if you keep the secret, you're betraying your father.

 

Please note that the situation is very different compared to say the daughter just suspecting or wondering about an A. In this case she has been provided specific information.

 

I wouldn't be quick to either tell, or decide to never tell, but would think it over. After all, you cannot "untell" your dad.

 

One possibility: When you tell your dad, you don't need to say "Mom is having an affair". After all, you don't have first hand knowledge beyond a reasonable doubt. What you CAN say...and in my opinion, probably should, is "I'm worried about something very strange that Mom told me. She said she is having an affair. Why would she say that to me? I don't know how to deal with this."

 

Yes, it's sad that I'm now a guardian to her secret. My mother knows me very well and she knew that I'd never tell my father her secret. That's the sad part for me that she burdened me. As I said, I don't live with my parents and my father seems to be happy and my mother said she's now stopped (why should I believe that??, she lied that she stopped 9yrs ago). I don't want to be responsible for what happens to my parents' marriage. I think it's up to them to be honest with each other, all I can do is encourage my mom to be honest.

 

Thank you all for the support, it's all very confusing to me and I know that my boyfriend plans on proposing to me later this yr and I'm having some fear about it-My mother's infidelity is a big reason why. I have not talked to anyone about this yet.

 

I' very close to my brother and he's the one who found out about the affair 10yrs ago when he went through mom's text msgs. My brother broke down, he sobbed, im tearing up just thinking about the only time I saw my brother cry. We confronted my mom at the time and she promised to stop- that was ten yrs ago. We never told anyone, my brother changed after that and he became very promiscuous and he started hanging out with the wrong crowd (I don't know if it was the affair that caused this, maybe I'm over analyzing). He's now happily married and he's got 2 wonderful kids, I can't imagine telling him about mom (he loves her so much, it'd destroy him again)

[jane-mary]

Your mother was despicable not only in the A but in telling you.

 

She is, in essence, forcing you to choose one parent over the other.

 

You choose your Mom by not telling. You choose your Dad by telling.

 

No matter which way you choose YOU lose.

 

Disgusting for your Mom to do that.

 

Personally - I'd tell.

 

She knows I wont tell, as I said my father has had a stroke before, he's fine and healthy and happy now. I hate to be the noone to take that away from him. What if he starts having health issues after I tell him??? Mom says she's now stopping (hard to believe). I think this has also managed to go on for so long because the boyfriend lives in another town (5hr drive away)

[jane-mary]

I despise this guy soo much, he pretends to be christian and he's got a lot of political power. He knows my mom is a married woman, why does he violoate that? WHat king of a man is he? My mom says she'll never divorce my dad (I think she knows how good she has it, she even talks about how blessed she is to have a husband like my dad!). It's comical that she told me that she's having a heartbreak because of the ultimatum and she expected me to feel sorry for her! She even told me that she now understands why I cried a lot when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend!!! The nerve. She was surprised that I was angry with her, she thought I'd sympathize with her, now she avoids talking about it.

[karnak]

It's comical that she told me that she's having a heartbreak because of the ultimatum and she expected me to feel sorry for her! She even told me that she now understands why I cried a lot when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend!!! The nerve. She was surprised that I was angry with her, she thought I'd sympathize with her, now she avoids talking about it.

 

By the things you describe, your mother seems a very selfish and self-centered woman. I'm sorry.

 

I'll give you my last advice on your situation. Put yourself in "your father's shoes". How would you want things to develop if you were him?

[jane-mary]

It might be easy to judge my mother but she's done a lot of good. SHe's helped A LOT of people. Everyone loves her and they couldn't imagine that she'd have an extra-marital affair. She's put many people through college and she's taken in people going through hard times to live in our houses. She's always giving and I remember growing up I'd just ask her how she did it because I could never be THAT giving. She's a very loving person and she's behaving like a confused teen. Maybe because she got married young (19)?? I just don't know what to make of this, I hope she's really stopped this time

[Darth Vader]

I despise this guy soo much, he pretends to be christian and he's got a lot of political power. He knows my mom is a married woman, why does he violoate that? WHat king of a man is he? My mom says she'll never divorce my dad (I think she knows how good she has it, she even talks about how blessed she is to have a husband like my dad!). It's comical that she told me that she's having a heartbreak because of the ultimatum and she expected me to feel sorry for her! She even told me that she now understands why I cried a lot when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend!!! The nerve. She was surprised that I was angry with her, she thought I'd sympathize with her, now she avoids talking about it.

 

 

Just goes to show you what kind of person your mother really is! She wouldn't tell if her life depended on it, because I suspect that since she has it sooo good, it's for financial reasons. She can't give up her paycheck with legs!(your Father!)

 

Like someone else here suggested, drop subtle hints here and there, write, (type) a note to your Father, addressed like: From a friend who really cares, or to whom it may concern Mr. ------ wish to inform you of blah blah blah.............

 

Just a nudge in the right direction, you need not give your name or address (My God, I sound like Unsolved Mysteries!) OK, what I'm saying is, you don't need to be there for WWIII! You're not starting anything, just finishing it!

[karnak]

It might be easy to judge my mother but she's done a lot of good. SHe's helped A LOT of people. Everyone loves her and they couldn't imagine that she'd have an extra-marital affair. She's put many people through college and she's taken in people going through hard times to live in our houses. She's always giving and I remember growing up I'd just ask her how she did it because I could never be THAT giving. She's a very loving person and she's behaving like a confused teen. Maybe because she got married young (19)?? I just don't know what to make of this, I hope she's really stopped this time

 

I know precisely what you're talking about. My father is considered by many to be a wonderful human being. I also know that he has helped many, many people throughout his entire life.

 

Intersting enough, he was always an ******* towards me and my mother. He was seldom a good father for me. And he was always a lousy husband. He abused and made my mother miserable for many years.

 

Yet, to almost everyone else, he was a wonderful man, almost like a saint.

 

Tuth is, Jane-Mary, that he is a very selfish individual. And has severe emotional issues as well. And me and my mother both reached the conclusion that he does all those wonderful, generous and kind actions as a way to get social validation. A sort of "repetence" for all the wreck he causes in his own home.

 

He is a very selfish man, really. And so "empty" inside that he makes miserable those who love him the most. While at the same time trying to get the admiration of those he comes across. Weird, huh? But a case many pshycologists know all to well...

 

He acts almost like a sinner giving money to the church in order to save his soul from the fires of Hell I'd say...

 

Yet, I think Jesus is right when he said that "charity begins at Home".

 

Doing good to other is worth "jack ****", when we don't do it those that are closer to us.

 

I'm not saying my situation is similar to yours, Jane-M... just venting here.

[Darth Vader]

BTW, there's no judgementalness, it's just that your mother has put you right in the middle of her inmature actions. Sure your mother has helped a lot of people, that's the exact kind of person who does these things! I've seen stuff like this countless times over the years. Hearing such and such a person would never do this or that, then, come to find out the person did way worse than what people could have ever thought possible. Seems almost like a disguse of some sort to mask their true selves.

[Darth Vader]

I know precisely what you're talking about. My father is considered by many to be a wonderful human being. I also know that he has helped many, many people throughout his entire life.

 

Intersting enough, he was always an ******* towards me and my mother. He was seldom a good father for me. And he was always a lousy husband. He abused and made my mother miserable for many years.

 

Yet, to almost everyone else, he was a wonderful man, almost like a saint.

 

Tuth is, Jane-Mary, that he is a very selfish individual. And has severe emotional issues as well. And me and my mother both reached the conclusion that he does all those wonderful, generous and kind actions as a way to get social validation. A sort of "repetence" for all the wreck he causes in his own home.

 

He is a very selfish man, really. And so "empty" inside that he makes miserable those who love him the most. While at the same time trying to get the admiration of those he comes across. Weird, huh? But a case many pshycologists know all to well...

 

He acts almost like a sinner giving money to the church in order to save his soul from the fires of Hell I'd say...

 

Yet, I think Jesus is right when he said that "charity begins at Home".

 

Doing good to other is worth "jack ****", when we don't do it those that are closer to us.

 

I'm not saying my situation is similar to yours, Jane-M... just venting here.

 

 

Ok, I rest my case! It's like a Mask that she puts on in front of other people! I've had one parent do it to us as well! I speak from experience! You're not alone Girl!

 

This poster above has it ALL RIGHT! Jane-Mary, you're not the first, certainly not the last.

 

Oh, you said something to the effect of being proposed to by your boyfriend this year, because of your mothers infidelity? That's a good thing for you to consider, because it will effect your future relationships. You need Individual Counseling before you get married, or suffer the same you will! I don't know if you'll be cheated on, or the cheater, hard to say, but you better get that Counseling and right fast, real quick and in a hurry!

[Samantha0905]

So Sam, you think that it's perfectly all right for Jane to aid her mom"s infidelity, by not telling. So you would have Jane be deceitful with her father, as well? Should Jane lie and deceive one parent , to protect the parent who has done horrible wrong, and continues to do so? Jane, your future self-respect is more important than you MOM's anger. If your father ever finds out about the affair and learns that you knew and did not tell him , how will you feel then? Your Mother is the person in the wrong, you need to protect your relationship with the parent who isn't a cheater and betrayer, because your MOM has also betrayed you, by putting you in this position.

 

Joe, I don't think Jane is aiding her mother's infidelity. Her mother should have never told her in the first place, in my opinion. She doesn't have to lie to her father. I don't think it's her place to tell.

 

I think Jane would be fine to tell her mother she's made her feel angry and uncomfortable and she thinks the situation is unfair. Perhaps her mother will tell if she does. If not, it is not Jane's fault. Jane is in no way aiding.

[Darth Vader]

Joe, I don't think Jane is aiding her mother's infidelity. Her mother should have never told her in the first place, in my opinion. She doesn't have to lie to her father. I don't think it's her place to tell.

 

I think Jane would be fine to tell her mother she's made her feel angry and uncomfortable and she thinks the situation is unfair. Perhaps her mother will tell if she does. If not, it is not Jane's fault. Jane is in no way aiding.

 

 

It wasn't her mother's place to tell her daughter about her screwing other guys! One good betrayal deserves another!

[Cinnamon2000]

Your mom is sleeping with another man, who is sleeping with at least another woman who he might marry. Who knows who else your mom's other man and his girlfriend is sleeping with. Do you want to wait until your dad get a STD or two or HIV before you disclose it to him. Don't you think it's selfish of you to not tell him?

 

This is not a distant uncle. This is your dad, your father, your parent.

 

Don't you worry about your dad's health?

[califnan]

In my mother's case, it was noticeable when I was a kid .. She is very pretty, flirtatious, childlike, glued to the mirror and with great vanity.... Started working at at an early age, and then married young.. My father's and her working shifts accomodated her fooling around ..

 

Now that she is 90, I have gotten used to the fact that I was always the adult in our relationship .. She still hasn't stopped looking at the men, but fortuneatly she has finally slowed down.

[califnan]

So Sam, you think that it's perfectly all right for Jane to aid her mom"s infidelity, by not telling. So you would have Jane be deceitful with her father, as well? Should Jane lie and deceive one parent , to protect the parent who has done horrible wrong, and continues to do so? Jane, your future self-respect is more important than you MOM's anger. If your father ever finds out about the affair and learns that you knew and did not tell him , how will you feel then? Your Mother is the person in the wrong, you need to protect your relationship with the parent who isn't a cheater and betrayer, because your MOM has also betrayed you, by putting you in this position.

 

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No reason for longsuffering Jane to tell her father.. He would only take it out on Jane. The mother will have to live with herself and her sin.

[White Flower]

In my mother's case, it was noticeable when I was a kid .. She is very pretty, flirtatious, childlike, glued to the mirror and with great vanity.... Started working at at an early age, and then married young.. My father's and her working shifts accomodated her fooling around ..

 

Now that she is 90, I have gotten used to the fact that I was always the adult in our relationship .. She still hasn't stopped looking at the men, but fortuneatly she has finally slowed down.

(((califnan)))

I can't imagine having to deal with being the adult in your mother-daughter R. Well I can because my mother had a massive stroke but at least she had an excuse.

[JustJoe]

Sam , if a person is aware that a crime has been committed, and doesn't report it, they could be considered accessories. You know this. While adultery is not a crime , legally, it is a crime morally, so yes, if Jane doesn't tell her Dad she is actively aiding in the deception. Jane , my advice to you is to find some way to force your mom to tell your Dad about the affair. You should treat him with the respect he deserves, and not lie to him by omission. I urge you to be an honest adult and treat him as you would want to be treated. Your mother's charitable works are fine, but not an excuse for infidelity. Deception is never the answer, whatever other posters may say, they are mostly deceivers , themselves, and think that lying is an acceptible form of behavior. YOU BE HONEST. Your father most likely will, at some point , find out about the affair, and that you and your brother knew and did not tell. What will you do then? Do you want to feel as guilty as your mother?

[Cinnamon2000]

Sam , if a person is aware that a crime has been committed, and doesn't report it, they could be considered accessories. You know this. While adultery is not a crime , legally, it is a crime morally, so yes, if Jane doesn't tell her Dad she is actively aiding in the deception. Jane , my advice to you is to find some way to force your mom to tell your Dad about the affair. You should treat him with the respect he deserves, and not lie to him by omission. I urge you to be an honest adult and treat him as you would want to be treated. Your mother's charitable works are fine, but not an excuse for infidelity. Deception is never the answer, whatever other posters may say, they are mostly deceivers , themselves, and think that lying is an acceptible form of behavior. YOU BE HONEST. Your father most likely will, at some point , find out about the affair, and that you and your brother knew and did not tell. What will you do then? Do you want to feel as guilty as your mother?

 

I am impressed that you've grown. Is your ex-wife still gettng married? What about you? Are you still in touch with the OW or involved with any woman?

[Samantha0905]

Sam , if a person is aware that a crime has been committed, and doesn't report it, they could be considered accessories. You know this. While adultery is not a crime , legally, it is a crime morally, so yes, if Jane doesn't tell her Dad she is actively aiding in the deception. Jane , my advice to you is to find some way to force your mom to tell your Dad about the affair. You should treat him with the respect he deserves, and not lie to him by omission. I urge you to be an honest adult and treat him as you would want to be treated. Your mother's charitable works are fine, but not an excuse for infidelity. Deception is never the answer, whatever other posters may say, they are mostly deceivers , themselves, and think that lying is an acceptible form of behavior. YOU BE HONEST. Your father most likely will, at some point , find out about the affair, and that you and your borther knew and did not tell. What will you do then? Do you want to feel as guilty as your mother?

 

Joe!! I almost told you this earlier. Stop calling me out. WTH?!! Stop being mad at whoever you are mad at. Jane does NOT need to be involved in the sex life of her mother and father. OMG!!

 

Stop encouraging that crap. And stop trying to make Jane feel she has to do what you think is MORALLY correct. Stop with the moral police BS.

 

You think because you showed up on the doorstep of your lover's house, that makes you a proponent of acceptable behavior? Hardly. Run around with your honesty flag in their yard forever. It's still bull****.

 

I urge you to stop bothering me.

 

And stop trying to guilt the OP into doing what YOU think is best. Let her work it out for herself.

 

"Do you want to feel as guilty as your mother?" WTFIT???!! Just stop it. That's being a jerk. That really ticks me off. Be a nicer person.

[Samantha0905]

Just listen to what califan said here:

 

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No reason for longsuffering Jane to tell her father.. He would only take it out on Jane. The mother will have to live with herself and her sin.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Samantha0905

[JustJoe]

Jane, I strongly disagree with those posters , who advise you to be silent. I know that you did not involve yourself in your parents issue , voluntarily, but was forced into it by your mom's disclosure to you. Whatever others may say, I am more concerned about you and your future life , with BOTH of your parents. Your mother will not hate you for being an honest person, and your father will appreciate your love and respect. Think long and hard about this, and do what you feel is the best for ALL parties involved, I wish you the very best of Luck.

[Samantha0905]

Edit. Delete. Probably calling Joe out in this post and I certainly think he should stop doing this.

Edited May 11, 2010 by Samantha0905

[JustJoe]

Jane, the one good thing about this is that you are an adult and can make your own decisions about this. It is far worse if you're a kid and the decisions are made for you. believe me, I know.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello Jayne-Mary, I'm someone who has walked in your shoes. My mother didn't tell me about her affair, rather I caught her one day

 

I was young, in my teens and didn't know what to do and couldn't sleep or eat for thinking about it. What a fantastic position to be in whilst in the middle of school exams eh?

 

My dad already had suspicions and put a voice activated recorder near the phone to catch her out so the dilemma of telling or not was taken out of my hands.

 

BUT...............I feel bad that I never told him and will always have to live with that guilt. I have told myself if I was ever in that position again I would give an ultimatum to tell and if they didn't then I would.

 

I'm a firm believer in the truth and honesty.