White Flower Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Sam , if a person is aware that a crime has been committed, and doesn't report it, they could be considered accessories. You know this. While adultery is not a crime , legally, it is a crime morally, so yes, if Jane doesn't tell her Dad she is actively aiding in the deception. Jane , my advice to you is to find some way to force your mom to tell your Dad about the affair. You should treat him with the respect he deserves, and not lie to him by omission. I urge you to be an honest adult and treat him as you would want to be treated. Your mother's charitable works are fine, but not an excuse for infidelity. Deception is never the answer, whatever other posters may say, they are mostly deceivers , themselves, and think that lying is an acceptible form of behavior. YOU BE HONEST. Your father most likely will, at some point , find out about the affair, and that you and your brother knew and did not tell. What will you do then? Do you want to feel as guilty as your mother? Do you remember your thread, 'Disclosure, Datclosure'? Well in it a lot of people suggested to 'be honest' if and only if asked. A sort of 'Don't ask-Don't tell' attitude, a concept I'm sure your military background pounded into you. Her dad may already know and just be so grateful to save face, we just don't know. He also may be grateful that his W served him well after his stroke and allows her a bit of discretion; again we don't know. But IF he wants to know HE will start asking questions. He may not want to involve his daughter in all of this. He may already know his daughter knows. Let's give him a little credit.
JustJoe Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I agree WF, that we don't know anything except what the OP tells us, and you have made a valid point about her Dad maybe knowing more than we think, but I wouldn't count on the "discretion", idea. I think that any man , who would "allow", his wife to have a 10 year affair , you could count on one hand.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I agree WF, that we don't know anything except what the OP tells us, and you have made a valid point about her Dad maybe knowing more than we think, but I wouldn't count on the "discretion", idea. I think that any man , who would "allow", his wife to have a 10 year affair , you could count on one hand. Did you see my prior post to you on this thread?
Darth Vader Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Hello Jayne-Mary, I'm someone who has walked in your shoes. My mother didn't tell me about her affair, rather I caught her one day I was young, in my teens and didn't know what to do and couldn't sleep or eat for thinking about it. What a fantastic position to be in whilst in the middle of school exams eh? My dad already had suspicions and put a voice activated recorder near the phone to catch her out so the dilemma of telling or not was taken out of my hands. BUT...............I feel bad that I never told him and will always have to live with that guilt. I have told myself if I was ever in that position again I would give an ultimatum to tell and if they didn't then I would. I'm a firm believer in the truth and honesty. You can still tell him, if he hasn't passed away. You can tell him what happened, but didn't know how to tell him what you heard or saw(being so young). I think I'm gonna be sick!
White Flower Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I agree WF, that we don't know anything except what the OP tells us, and you have made a valid point about her Dad maybe knowing more than we think, but I wouldn't count on the "discretion", idea. I think that any man , who would "allow", his wife to have a 10 year affair , you could count on one hand. Yeah, and that would be the BH of your MW! <laugh intended as comedic relief on serious thread--please no bashing>
califnan Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hello Jayne-Mary, I'm someone who has walked in your shoes. My mother didn't tell me about her affair, rather I caught her one day I was young, in my teens and didn't know what to do and couldn't sleep or eat for thinking about it. What a fantastic position to be in whilst in the middle of school exams eh? My dad already had suspicions and put a voice activated recorder near the phone to catch her out so the dilemma of telling or not was taken out of my hands. BUT...............I feel bad that I never told him and will always have to live with that guilt. I have told myself if I was ever in that position again I would give an ultimatum to tell and if they didn't then I would. I'm a firm believer in the truth and honesty. -------------------- I disagree. We are responsible to Confess our Own sins ... Not that of others.. Anything between your parents - should have remained between the two of them ..
Samantha0905 Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Yeah, and that would be the BH of your MW! <laugh intended as comedic relief on serious thread--please no bashing> I needed the comedic relief before I posted. I just don't get why anyone would turn this around to be a responsibility for Jane. -------------------- I disagree. We are responsible to Confess our Own sins ... Not that of others.. Anything between your parents - should have remained between the two of them .. I agree. I feel like Jane has endured enough just carrying this burden of knowledge around. If she tells her dad, he will be hurt, he may or may not resent her for it, her mom will be hurt, everyone will be awkward. I know Jane has been involved by her mother. That was her mother making yet again another bad decision. I simply don't think a child should ever feel responsible to participate in the marital dynamic. Since her mother put her in this position, I think she should say anything she has to say to her mother. Then, as I said before, I think counseling would be helpful to Jane.
White Flower Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 I should have mentioned this earlier Jane-Mary. A few weeks ago and daughter of a friend came to me for advice. She found out her mother had a ONS with a man. Her mother is separated after years and years of emotional abuse at the hands of her H and also suffered many, many years of his infidelity. Three times this poor woman had diseases come home to her. All her kids knew about their father's infidelity. And when she stumbled upon the information about her mother she wanted to go and out her to the father. Keep in mind my friend's H confided in me that he feels she DESERVES to be playing the field right now, sowing her oats, and getting her revenge on him for what he did to her. I don't even agree with him. I think this man is truly repentant and I told my friend she needs to be in MC with him. My friend's daughter said that whenever they would bring up sexual issues before their parents would say it's none of your business. So when her daughter asked me what she should do, keeping in mind this was a ONS and knowing how her H already feels I told the daughter that it is none of her business. Don't confront your mother, don't tell your father. If they ever get back together it will be your mother's decision and duty to tell, not yours. She really felt better after our talk. She felt like a huge burden was lifted. This is the parents' matter and should be kept there. I'm only sorry that in your case Jane-Mary, your mother shared the info with you. But I wouldn't feel it neccessary for you to tell your dad unless he asks you.
JustJoe Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 (edited) Cinn, I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never been married, just engaged, but yes I do have a new lady in my life, and she's just what the doctor ordered. Witty, attractive, and earthy. Sooo much fun to be with............. Jane, you do what you feel is best. Almost every poster here has an axe to grind , one way or the other. Those who counsel not telling, have their issues, and those who say to tell, have theirs. Your decision should be made by you and your conscience. Believe me, I know where you are coming from, and my heart is with you.:D WF, your story was about a ONS brought on by abuse, Jane's is a 10 YEAR affair, behind the back of a seriously ill husband, a little different, don't you think? Edited May 12, 2010 by JustJoe
U2RockZz Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 10 yrs of affair,you kept quite ....in this 10 years it never occurred to your head one idea which would make your father aware of you mother's affair....come on you do not have to mention directly to your father....mail,letter,hints it really amazes me that you are concerned abt your fathers health...according your mother and her BF's reputation.. your whole town might have already knows about their long lasting affair....you knew,your bro knows...every one might have been laughing behind his back.... your mother doesn't really respect your father let alone love him.... she and her lover are disrespected your entire family..you kept quite why...???? try imagining yourself in your fathers position....do you really wanted to be in his shoes 10 yrs down the line..if you like that i can't say any thing else.... my wild guess she is still there cause she doesn't want to disturb her status quo, and reputation....not cause she loves your father ....she is just a user, cheater....and please do not let him waste another day on a person like that
dangerouslydead Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Has anyone noticed that Jane has already left the building? And for all of you who were in favor of keeping the affair a secret from the father. You are right, he has been clueless for 10 years and had a pretty nice life. Why change it? I am sure that he will never find out on his own just as I am sure someday Jane will be able to look back on this and able to laugh on her father. And Jane, the alpha male that your mom is seeing on the side is ten times the man your father is, I think you will be better off calling him dad. You are already showing more respect for him by allowing him to regularly cukcold your father. I wholeheartedly agree with the silent approach.
Author jane-mary Posted May 12, 2010 Author Posted May 12, 2010 No, I'm still around and I regularly check the thread. I appreciate all your support (and backlash)
White Flower Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 It's not your responsibility Jane-Mary, not unless your dad asks you personally. And it seems he is too loving to put you in that position. Hugs.
jnj express Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Hey Jane---you really are disrespecting, (according to your words), a loving, caring, wonderful, family provider----who got up from a major medical problem, where others would have just lain, and moaned take care of me---your father got himself back together and continued to provide for you kids, and his wife. So your mother is gonna take her deep, dirty, dark secret to the grave with her----and you are gonna go along with it. Well you do have another problem----Your mother and her scumbag 2nd husband cuz basically that is what he is----have supposedly just ended, cuz she doesn't wanna be known as a mistress (the last 10 years I guess we could call her this guys wife) You know what ---10 YEAR RELATIONSHIPS DON'T JUST END COLD TURKEY----This guy at some point is gonna want her back---he has had her for 10 years---this is not gonna go away, any time soon. What happens if he gets rejected, and decides to become nasty, and threatens to/or actually tells your dad. What then instead of softly coming from you, or coming from your mother---scumbag could hit him with a ton of bricks-----what then---how will the 2 of you deal with that???????? YOU OR YOUR MOTHER NEED TO TELL YOUR DAD
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 It's not your responsibility Jane-Mary, not unless your dad asks you personally. And it seems he is too loving to put you in that position. Hugs. Coming from a former cheater, Oops! Left out that little tidbit, did we?!
dangerouslydead Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Most cheaters do not realize how infidelity looks in the eyes of the deceived. The naughty and exciting things in life that feast on the darkness of infidelity are nothing but ugly and repulsive when seen under the clear light of reason and faithfulness. What is happening here is quite simple actually. The father/husband is being cuckolded. Let a man have some level of pride. Yeah, I know, its none of your business who your father's wife sleeps with, and yet, pride comes before a fall. And sometimes you have to take the fall if you want to be able to live with yourself. Jane if you are happy seeing your father cheated and deceived please do not tell him anything. You do not owe him anything - at last not the truth about his wife. All that you owe him is your respect and love. If you are giving him your respect and love, you are doing your bit. Personally, I would beat the sh** out of anyone who is disrespecting my father. I think you are a much bigger person than I am, forgiving your mother and the OM for disrespecting him. I hope when time comes my children do not have as big a heart as you have. Reagrds.
White Flower Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Coming from a former cheater, Oops! Left out that little tidbit, did we?! Um...well when I was asked outright I actually told my daughter. Had my exH asked me outright I would have told him too even though we were already separated. Cheater, former cheater or not I still don't believe it is Jane-Mary's obligation to tell. I believe it is only her duty to tell if asked. My experience as an OW has no bearing on this belief. I have believed that way my whole life and my years as OW are only the last 4 and a half.
Author jane-mary Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 I can't believe how I'm now the bad person here. I'm not responsible for my mother's actions and my parents' marriage. I love my father but i believe it's not my place to tell. my mom says she accepts responsibility and the affair is over
JustJoe Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Jane , those people who are ragging you , need to get a life. If the affair is truly over, then you need for your MOM to prove it to you. She was the one who laid this crap on you, so she needs to show that it will never happen again. If you are satisfied, then you only need to tell your Dad, if he asks. If he does, then you need to tell the truth. If he does not, then you should never allow you MOM to put you in this kind of position, again. Good Luck!!:)
JustJoe Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 BTW, Jane, you should tell your MOM, that this is a "one time", thing, and if the affair resumes, then you will go straight to your DAD.
califnan Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Jane is their daughter ... Not an accomplice, Joe. No reason for her to tell anyone anything..
Ann_Igma Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 I can't believe how I'm now the bad person here. I'm not responsible for my mother's actions and my parents' marriage. I love my father but i believe it's not my place to tell. my mom says she accepts responsibility and the affair is over You aren't the bad person at all. I think that most of the people here (myself included) have very strong opinions on As and disclosure based on which side(s) of the A they have experienced. Because of those strong feelings, a lot of people will try to put their opinions across in a forceful way to try and get their opinions through to others. I don't think most here necessarily think you're a bad person, but I wouldn't take it personally even if they did - most of the opinions expressed on here (again, mine included) about other peoples' situations, are only based on part of the story anyway, and are quite often coloured by the personal experiences of the opinion-giver. Also - it's a lot easier to see things/express opinions in black and white when you're not actually in the middle of the situation and don't truly see/feel/understand all the intricacies and complications to your particular situation. Whilst I am in the 'tell your father' camp, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right decision for you and your situation, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean that you're a bad person if you don't tell. The one thing I do think you definitely should do is get a bit of IC to deal with your feelings in this situation and to help ensure that YOUR Rs don't suffer.
road Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 WW's cheat and lie. This mom/WW can not be trusted when saying the affair is over. Many WW's just take a time out till they feel they are no longer being checked up on then go right back to banging the OM. Your dad is ill does he not deserve to be be taken care of? His marrieg is ill and he needs his daughter to take care of him and tell.
road Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 "Joe!! I almost told you this earlier. Stop calling me out. WTH?!! Stop being mad at whoever you are mad at. Jane does NOT need to be involved in the sex life of her mother and father. OMG!!" This is not about being involved in their sex lives. This is not about what a husband and wife are doing with each other. It is about how the dad is being attacked. How the daughter knows her dad is being attacked and refuses to warn her dad. This is the issue. If her dad was being robbed would she not call the cops. Fell ill, not call an ambulance. About to be swindled out of money, call a lawyer. Her dad is being attacked in the worst way possible and she won't save him. This dad needs to be told so he can do what he then needs to do.
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