My mother's infidelity

[Samantha0905]

Jane is their daughter ... Not an accomplice, Joe. No reason for her to tell anyone anything..

 

Very good advice.

 

So Cal, if her Dad asks her, is she supposed to lie?

 

I'm not Cal , but hopefully Jane's father would not ask Jane. That would be more bad parenting. If he did ask Jane she could say, "Dad, I'm not comfortable with you asking such a question. You should ask mom. Your marriage vows were made to each other." That would be respectful and the truth!!

[Cinnamon2000]

I can't believe how I'm now the bad person here. I'm not responsible for my mother's actions and my parents' marriage. I love my father but i believe it's not my place to tell. my mom says she accepts responsibility and the affair is over

 

Put yourself in your father's shoes? Don't you feel betrayed? Think about it.

 

What if he caught some STD or HIV from this affair? Do you think, if you're in his shoes, be happy with his daughter's decision to not to tell him anything?

[califnan]

So Cal, if her Dad asks her, is she supposed to lie?

 

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No. Questions should be answered in a truthful manner.

[White Flower]

I can't believe how I'm now the bad person here. I'm not responsible for my mother's actions and my parents' marriage. I love my father but i believe it's not my place to tell. my mom says she accepts responsibility and the affair is over

You are NOT the bad person. You were put into the middle of a situation unfairly. Your mom may even regret telling you now but all these people are focusing on something you were told 10 years ago today. Let them get over it sweetie. Hugs to you.

Very good advice.

 

 

 

I'm not Cal , but hopefully Jane's father would not ask Jane. That would be more bad parenting. If he did ask Jane she could say, "Dad, I'm not comfortable with you asking such a question. You should ask mom. Your marriage vows were made to each other." That would be respectful and the truth!!

And you give very good advice Sam.

 

M vows are made between man and woman. If Jane's father wants to know he will ask his wife. If he asks his daughter, she'll tell him then and only then if she feels convicted in her heart. We are not all Jane and her path doesn't have to mimic our own. We give her advice based on what we would do but that doesn't make it the right advice including my own.

 

Jane, do whatever feels right to you. This is your journey.

[JustJoe]

Jane, like most other posters, I say that it's your decision to make. Where we differ, is that I have personal experience of this issue and most of the others , don't. I didn't tell, at first, only later, but now I wish I had told, as soon as I knew for sure. When I found out about my parent's affair, If I had told then, my unfaithful parent would not have become as emotionally involved with the OP, and I would have shown loyalty to my faithful parent , and to my family. That is why I counsel you to either tell your Dad, or make sure that the affair is over, and will never be repeated. I know it sucks to be in this position, it sucked for me, too. I got over it and you can too.

[califnan]

I had the experience too, Joe. As with anytime you see sin, you can counsel the sinner - but you should not go out of your way to hurt the others..

 

(I say this with infidelity, only.)

[JustJoe]

I understand your position, Cal, but I respectfully disagree. 10 years of infidelity, and the burden that Jane has had to bear , and that her Dad has been the victim of, is much more than enough. If he were to ever find out, her family would be destroyed, like mine was.... what would all of the posters, who counsel Jane to "cover", for her Mom , say then?

[califnan]

Joe.. It looks as if the mother is about to be dumped by the boy friend. She has no choice, but to try to work on the marriage - and make things right again.. I think in time she will realize how wrong it was - and try to make it up to the father.

[JustJoe]

Cal, that's why I like you, ever the optimist!!:)

[califnan]

Cal, that's why I like you, ever the optimist!!:)

 

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Thank's .. But I have had the opportunity to see how God works

 

You know, after my mother finished sowing her oats, she was devoted to my father - for 40 more years .. and to this day, mourns his death very much ..

[JustJoe]

Sorry Cal, I don't see it that way. Your mother maintained a false image of herself to you father.

[califnan]

Sorry Cal, I don't see it that way. Your mother maintained a false image of herself to you father.

 

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Yes she did. But marriage is between two people.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I could literally puke right now. I can't believe this story. If her dad finds out, you can BET her mom will let it spill that the kids knew. Her father will feel betrayed by all of them. How will you look your father in the face and let him know that NONE of you loved him enough to be honest. To respect the love he has shown you all of these years.

 

Your mom is a sick individual. Affairs are bad enough, but to burden her kids, drive a wedge between them and their father??? I can promise you, that you father will NEVER see you in the same light if he found out that you knew and kept this from him. If its so understandable, then tell your mom's constituents and see how understanding they are and how respected she is in her community.

 

The respect ends when she is found to be unrespectable. All the good in the world cannot undo bad nor does it dismiss or trump it. Sounds like your mother is quite full of herself and that the respect has gone to her head. People like her lose their followers as quickly as they gain them. What would be terrible is for you to lose your own father's respect to protect your cheating, using mother. :sick:

 

I'm so enormously sorry that you have been put in this position.

[karnak]

It's interesting that it seems the answers change according to gender.

 

It appears men are the ones most suggesting that she should tell her father the truth.

 

Women , on the hand, appear to be more keen on suggesting that she should keep things the way they are.

 

Maybe I'm wrong here.

 

But psychology do tells us that women are more prone to secrecy than men.

[califnan]

It's interesting that it seems the answers change according to gender.

 

It appears men are the ones most suggesting that she should tell her father the truth.

 

Women , on the hand, appear to be more keen on suggesting that she should keep things the way they are.

 

Maybe I'm wrong here.

 

But psychology do tells us that women are more prone to secrecy than men.

 

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I have noticed the gender to Karnak ..

[karnak]

Maybe that's why communication and life-sharing is so difficult between men and women. We're neurologically different.

 

I think it was D.H. Lawrence who said that, in the long run, men and women would never be able to really "get along". Because us men are the "science-cold-rational" part, while women are the "emotional-wild-sensistive part".

 

Who knows?

[califnan]

Jane, I realize your mother is full of herself to the extent that she thinks You are supposed to console her.

 

And yes she has put you in a difficult position. All I can say is - if she brings it up again (and I am sure she will), you should tell her to make every effort to be honest with your father, and to make things right with him ... If she does not do this, then she will have good reason to know why relations are strained between the two of you.

 

As far as your father is concerned - it isn't as if you have known for the whole ten years - she only reinterated it to you recently ..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

t appears men are the ones most suggesting that she should tell her father the truth.

 

Women , on the hand, appear to be more keen on suggesting that she should keep things the way they are.

 

And I thought it was the people who were in or just out of A's that said don't tell.

 

As a woman, I say tell. I can't believe a mother could EVER put her own child in a situation like that.

[karnak]

 

And I thought it was the people who were in or just out of A's that said don't tell.

 

That is also an interesting point. That would mean we really do create our views and opinions on things and actions based on our own status quo of the moment.

[Ann_Igma]

It's interesting that it seems the answers change according to gender.

 

It appears men are the ones most suggesting that she should tell her father the truth.

 

Women , on the hand, appear to be more keen on suggesting that she should keep things the way they are.

 

Maybe I'm wrong here.

 

But psychology do tells us that women are more prone to secrecy than men.

 

I just had to go back and look over the thread to confirm what you've said, and... wow! It's an almost perfect disparity.

 

I do have a question about your final comment though - do you think that women are in general more devious, or do you think it's due to other factors?

 

IE as one of the few women in the 'tell' camp, I was still very wishy-washy with my advice about telling ("I think you should.. but you don't have to.. etc") and I wonder how much of that is a product of girls growing up being taught that they need to be "nice" and not to rock the boat. And with that sort of logic, Jane-Mary would think that she is actually being "nice" to both of her parents by holding in her mother's secret, instead of helping her mother to be destructive.

 

So yeah, after thinking about it a bit further:

 

Jane-Mary: I want to revise what I last said to you - I still don't think you're a bad person for not telling your father yet, and I still think that it is best you go to IC to help deal with your own personal issues which have arisen from your mother's infidelity.

 

I would like to say though that I very strongly feel you'd be best off telling your father and giving him freedom to make an informed choice in his life, instead of allowing your mother to strip him of that.

 

If you have ever seen the movie 'The Matrix' I think it's a good analogy. Your father is currently like a 'battery' in the matrix, and your mother is acting like an agent keeping him from knowing the truth about his own life. Without that knowledge, he can't *truly* live his life.

[califnan]

That is also an interesting point. That would mean we really do create our views and opinions on things and actions based on our own status quo of the moment.

 

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No. I am afraid I have seen both sides.. As earlier discussed: with my mother and father..

 

But - before, or at the time of my husband's separation from me, I am reasonably sure that his family knew of his girlfriend. Maybe even my aunt and uncle, as well. A few may have been encouragers - but none were participants.. I think the best family/friends can do - is to attempt to discourage.. They are put into the position as to not wish to hurt the BS.

[karnak]

I just had to go back and look over the thread to confirm what you've said, and... wow! It's an almost perfect disparity.

 

I do have a question about your final comment though - do you think that women are in general more devious, or do you think it's due to other factors?

 

(...)

 

If you have ever seen the movie 'The Matrix' I think it's a good analogy. Your father is currently like a 'battery' in the matrix, and your mother is acting like an agent keeping him from knowing the truth about his own life. Without that knowledge, he can't *truly* live his life.

 

- I really think women are neurologically different from men. You "think" and "feel" different from us (your brain is even phisically diferent). You're not "devious" or "machiavellic", it's just the way your rational/emotional pattern is.

 

- I loved your Matrix analogy. Brilliant. Really brilliant.

[karnak]

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No. I am afraid I have seen both sides.. As earlier discussed: with my mother and father..

 

But - before, or at the time of my husband's separation from me, I am reasonably sure that his family knew of his girlfriend. Maybe even my aunt and uncle, as well. A few may have been encouragers - but none were participants.. I think the best family/friends can do - is to attempt to discourage.. They are put into the position as to not wish to hurt the BS.

 

 

I wasn't saying that as an absolute truth. But many people do change their point of view/"moral code" according to the outcome that suits them best.

[califnan]

- I really think women are neurologically different from men. You "think" and "feel" different from us (your brain is even phisically diferent). You're not "devious" or "machiavellic", it's just the way your rational/emotional pattern is.

 

- I loved your Matrix analogy. Brilliant. Really brilliant.

 

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I am totally in agreement. Women are the emotional talkative ones, Men are matter of fact and to the point.

[jane-mary]

There are many reasons that I feel that I should not tell:

 

-It's not my place to tell, im only their child

-my mom seems remorseful and she said she stopped

-what if I cause my dad to have another stroke or health issues?

-she said she stopped

-what if my dad ends up resenting me for telling considering that 1) he loves my mom a lot and he does a lot to protect her, he's the best dad ever but i wouldn't be surprised if he loves her more than me 2)my mom says she's stopped

-i do not want to play a hand in destroying our family, my brother will be crushed if he found out again, my younger sister might have issues (she's in her late teens). My parents do a lot of good in the community, i don't want to jeopardize that

-it's really not my place, my mother is responsible for this, I can only offer advice, she seems remorseful and she's stopped

-again, i'm just a child in this

-my dad was suspicious and he confronted my mom about this in the beginning but I guess he decided to believe my mom .

Edited May 14, 2010 by jane-mary
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