Husband upset about me having ex's as Facebook friends?

[MickeyM]

I have been married for three years. I have several ex boyfriends as friends on facebook. These are guys that I had serious love and sexual relationships with, but we are now friends. My husband does not like the fact that we are "friends" on facebook. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

[Citizen Erased]

Not unreasonable but it still bothers him. What are you prepared to do about it? Are they such good friends you'd prefer keeping them as facebook pals over your husband being happy?

 

I say pick your battles. Unless they're close friends, if they don't add much to your life, why bother fighting this?

[SarahRose]

Delete them off. Your husband's feeling should come first. Did you vows have something about forsaking all other in them?

[BubbleFreak]

Your husband doesn't want you to be "friends" with your exes but obviously it is important for you to keep them. Talk to each other about your reasons as your opinions are equally important.

 

Your husband is likely jealous or threatened by your exes, and heck why wouldn't he be. You were in meaningful relationships with these men and staying friends with them (even if it is just on FB) means you are still putting time and effort towards them that could be spent on your husband instead. He can also empathise more with other men and have a good idea of what they are thinking, because he is one.

 

I can also see from your point of view that your exes don't mean anything to you anymore other than as friends (and if they do mean more to you than that, you really have to prioritise what relationships matter most). I can also see that your husband demanding you get rid of "friends" could perhaps show controlling behaviour, which most people find intolerable. And I know that it is not easy to just completely cut people out of your life that have meant something special to you in the past.

 

 

The decision to keep your exes as friends or remove them is yours, but be ready to accept the consequences of whatever you choose.

[MickeyM]

Wow! Now I REALLY feel like I"m in junior high school. I just realized he deleted me from his facebook account. He said that since I insisted on maintaining contact with my exes he didn't want to be reminded of it.

[Iconoclast]

Well, he's clearly communicating to you that this hurts him, damages his trust in you, and there will be consequences.

 

He is having a common reaction. What is your relationship like?

[Dexter Morgan]

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

 

in my opinion, yes. these are guys you had intimate relations with. And X's are X's for a reason.

 

I know you'll deny it or say it isn't the case, and you may not consciously intend for it to be this way, but in my opinion, when people stay good friends with X's, they are leaving the doors and options open for the future...just in case.

 

That may be a tad extreme to say that is set in stone, but i think there is just a little truth to that.

 

but again, these are guys you were intimate with...how would you like it if he had women as good friends that he played hide the sausage with?

[Dexter Morgan]

and let me just clarify, there is nothing wrong with being the kind of "friends" with X's that say hi and bye, and are simply civil to each other.

 

but the kind that stay in contant contact and chat alot, and possibly hang out together....not appropriate for a committed person as far as I'm concerned.

[quankanne]

agree – enlisting your exes as facebook friends is a no-no. And a bit tacky, IMO.

[Feelin Frisky]

Delete them off. Your husband's feeling should come first. Did you vows have something about forsaking all other in them?

 

I pretty much agree. You're keeping alive through technology what should naturally fall away and become distant memories. It can certainly feel like a betrayal to do what you're doing and apparently that's what your HUSBAND is justifyingly feeling.

[Laurencia]

You're keeping alive through technology what should naturally fall away and become distant memories. It can certainly feel like a betrayal to do what you're doing and apparently that's what your HUSBAND is justifyingly feeling.

I agree with that. Facebook is often about your personal life, and why are they a part of that?

 

As someone who came VERY close to leaving her husband due to facebook "girl buddies" (plus chatting online), I ask you, which is more important? Sometimes people have a reason to be suspicious. Maybe YOU don't see it as being too intimate, but what about the ex's? Maybe they consider that a little attachment to you that, like FF inferred, should have been severed. Maybe your man sees your attachment to them as a "just in case" backup?

[DaisyLeigh]

I have an ex boyfriend and his wife as friends on my list. Another man, who was my roommate and whom I dated briefly, is on the list too. His wife is fine with it. I don't think it is tacky in the least. My husband knows and doesn't care at all. In fact, he met the ex-boyfriend once and we, and he and his wife went to lunch together. I like his wife a lot. I don't chat with him much, but do exchange messages with her. She and I have a lot in common (not the ex).

 

My marriage comes first. If my husband were to express any concerns about it, I would delete them.

 

I have no plans to keep ANY options open. Both of these guys are married. I chose another man, they chose other women. It is what it is. I don't regret my past at all. I would likely not be where I am now, if I had not known my ex-boyfriend. However, I have NO designs on him. Not in the least. We were not meant for each other. His wife was THE one meant for him.

 

To the OP: Delete the exes.

[northstar1]

I've only had 1 ex on my facebook, from years ago. It really did bother my most recent ex, even though our only contact was a bday wish every year. I hadn't seen this old ex in years, and she was married and living far away. I thought it was silly to be worried, but I did delete the old ex after a chat.

 

I think it can sometimes come a place of insecurity, if your gf/wife etc had maybe been cheated on etc or has had a problem with esteem.

 

But ultimately you should think about your partners feelings more than keeping an ex on there.

 

If the insecurity is part of a bigger problem, then maybe something to keep an eye on, as it can manifest in other ways.

[SummerLady]

I have been married for three years. I have several ex boyfriends as friends on facebook. These are guys that I had serious love and sexual relationships with, but we are now friends. My husband does not like the fact that we are "friends" on facebook. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

 

I am not sure where you are confused? You are married your husband comes first, if he is not comfortable with this, then delete the ex. Its not worth fighting about. Reverse the situation and how would you feel if he insisted on keeping an ex on his facebook. I would be concerned about the not wanting to take it off. Is it that important, Really? an ex. I am in my late 30's and I do not keep in contact with my ex boyfriends, why bother? They were important in your life in the PAST, they served a purpose in your life and now its over. Nice to have a memory here and there but when its done its done...I know your motives may be innocent by the past is the past. Let it go..In the scheme of things in life its just a memory....Move on..No biggie

[seibert253]

Delete them off. Your husband's feeling should come first. Did you vows have something about forsaking all other in them?

 

Sarah's words run true.

 

If your husband has a problem with it, no matter why, then you should too. He should come first, not a couple of ex's you wish to chat with every once and awhile.

[Citizen Erased]

Wow! Now I REALLY feel like I"m in junior high school. I just realized he deleted me from his facebook account. He said that since I insisted on maintaining contact with my exes he didn't want to be reminded of it.

 

Because it causes him pain to see you interacting with them. I fail to see why you would be ok on inflicting that on your own husband.

[witabix]

I agree with above posts about why argue over it. How important are your exes? Are you doing the ego boost thing?

 

I was questioned about a FB friend, because of her picture. My then GF got quite upset about it. She wrongly assumed that the order that friends appear in the panel are the order they were added. I explained and demonstrated that this was not the case. I had never met the girl, she was married with children. We had become friends on the internet years ago and hadn't 'talked' to each other for years either.

 

I deleted her immediately once I realised she was annoyed by it. It turned out to be a bad move really, because it didn't stop there. It just got worse.

 

So be careful about choosing your battles, as was said above, not choosing to stand up can make it worse too.

[BubbleFreak]

Wow! Now I REALLY feel like I"m in junior high school. I just realized he deleted me from his facebook account. He said that since I insisted on maintaining contact with my exes he didn't want to be reminded of it.

 

I don't think what he did was immature. It just shows how much you are hurting him by keeping those exes as friends. The act of him deleting you and the act of you keeping exes as friends is the same level of maturity imo.

 

If you are hurting too by his demands, you gotta tell him exactly why you are feeling that way so at least he can understand where you are coming from. We still don't even know why exactly you are keeping your friends as exes despite the trauma it is inflicting on your husband, so I can only assume it is an extremely important reason...

 

I avoided saying this earlier (because you could end up feeling resentful if you don't make this choice on your own), but if you love your husband more than anyone else, THE "RIGHT" THING TO DO IS OBVIOUS.

 

But what do you want to do?

Edited May 9, 2010 by BubbleFreak

[crazycatlady]

I can't believe the people here thinking its such a huge deal. WTH. I'm friends with ummm 5 or 6 ex lovers/boyfriends on facebook. I talked to some of them on a regular basis through chat on there, mostly politics. While my husband would never care - and we never would have gotten married if he hadn't been secure enough to handle my being friends with exes - never even occured to me that their girlfriends or wives would be upset. Mainly because if I still wanted to be with them, I wouldn't have ended it in the first place.

 

I wouldn't want to cause anyone grief like this poor girl is getting from both her husband and everyone here. I personally think its rediculous to react in this manner about it. Most exes are exes for a reason, but other then 1, I've managed to remain friends and in some cases good friends with all of mine.

 

Are these new additions to your fb, Mickey? Or have they always been on there? If they have always been there and he's just now throwing the flag down on it, I would be questioning why he's suddenly so insecure - often a sign he himself is doing something he shouldn't be. We see in others what is most often in ourselves.

 

CCL

[SummerLady]

I can't believe the people here thinking its such a huge deal. WTH. I'm friends with ummm 5 or 6 ex lovers/boyfriends on facebook. I talked to some of them on a regular basis through chat on there, mostly politics. While my husband would never care - and we never would have gotten married if he hadn't been secure enough to handle my being friends with exes - never even occured to me that their girlfriends or wives would be upset. Mainly because if I still wanted to be with them, I wouldn't have ended it in the first place.

 

I wouldn't want to cause anyone grief like this poor girl is getting from both her husband and everyone here. I personally think its rediculous to react in this manner about it. Most exes are exes for a reason, but other then 1, I've managed to remain friends and in some cases good friends with all of mine.

 

Are these new additions to your fb, Mickey? Or have they always been on there? If they have always been there and he's just now throwing the flag down on it, I would be questioning why he's suddenly so insecure - often a sign he himself is doing something he shouldn't be. We see in others what is most often in ourselves.

 

CCL

 

I disagree with you completely. There is no reason to be friends with ex boyfriends or girlfriends. Zero. I don't care if you threw a mutual party the day you broke up and it was the best thing that happened since the invention of cream cheese. It has nothing to do with being insecure. I am not saying if you saw the person out you can't be pleasant but to go out of your way to chat or sign them on to your facebook page is a little much. I think its insensitive and immature. No reason to be chatting up ex's. If you want to chat up an ex, go back to them. End of story!

[redtail]

Wow! Now I REALLY feel like I"m in junior high school. I just realized he deleted me from his facebook account. He said that since I insisted on maintaining contact with my exes he didn't want to be reminded of it.

 

If it were me and my wife asked me to not do this, personally I would not hesitate, I would drop them off and not contact them again. End of story.

 

But, I value my marriage, I value my wife's feelings and it's important to me that she know and understand where my priorities are, her.

 

Of course, your mileage may vary...

[MickeyM]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

[Hop_prophet]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

This is actually irrelevant. It doesn't matter how he should feel, its how he DOES feel. How would you feel if you husband told you that you should feel or act a certain way?

 

For what it's worth, my girlfriend talks to some of her exes on FB and it bothers me a lot. She feels the same way that you - that I should just get over it and be more secure. All this does is create resentment. In fact I almost broke up with her over this since she insists on meeting one of them despite how I feel about it. It is causing major problems in our relationship to say the least. Now I just feel like I have to shut my mouth and deal with it on my own. It sounds like that is what your husband is doing.

[SarahRose]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

Do you want to be happy or right?

 

You should delete them off. Why should you give them up? Because you took vows forsaking all others and this makes him uncomfortable and YOUR HUSBANDS FEELING COME FIRST.

 

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to understand???? I don't understand why you want to cling to this friend so much?

[crazycatlady]

Its not so much the friends, its the fact that her husband is dictating who she can and can't have contact with....I personally would object to that. If its exes today, who will it be tomorrow? Every time I've seen this happen, its always moved on to same sex friends as well. Controlling is controlling.