Husband upset about me having ex's as Facebook friends?

[Laurencia]

You ****ED these men, and want to chat with them.

 

Do you get it?

 

If not.....ask some OLD PEOPLE about this.

I guess I could be classified as old....well, middle-aged anyhow. Here is how I see it.

 

Men that are "acquaintances" that you add to facebook are NOT the same as adding ex's. LIke the poster above said, you have had sex with these guys. That makes it more intimidating to your spouse than if you just know them from work, etc.

 

You are likely always going to have an emotional attachment to them, no matter how slight. That you add them fb means you may have problems letting them go 100%.

[MickeyM]

It just drives me crazy. I mean there are only about 3 guys that I'm talking about. One in particular I consider a very good friend. We were good friends before we dated. we tried dating for a while and it didn't work out. We went back to being friends and have been wonderful friends for 10 years now. That's all we are and all we'll ever be. Why can't he understand that?

[Green]

It just drives me crazy. I mean there are only about 3 guys that I'm talking about. One in particular I consider a very good friend. We were good friends before we dated. we tried dating for a while and it didn't work out. We went back to being friends and have been wonderful friends for 10 years now. That's all we are and all we'll ever be. Why can't he understand that?

 

Well if you explained it to your husband like that I can easily see he understands and those following reasons are why he doesn't like it.

[rewe4reel]

It just drives me crazy. I mean there are only about 3 guys that I'm talking about. One in particular I consider a very good friend. We were good friends before we dated. we tried dating for a while and it didn't work out. We went back to being friends and have been wonderful friends for 10 years now. That's all we are and all we'll ever be. Why can't he understand that?

 

 

The honest answer would be that your husband believes your exes must have ulterior motives in wanting to remain friends with you.

 

Many men, if not a majority of men, in the position of your exes would not waste their time maintaining a friendship with an ex-gf unless they had some sort of hope or fantasy that someday they might be able to reignite the sexual or emotional flames. Your husband, a man, understands that.

 

You cannot honestly state that your exes do not have possibly ulterior motives in maintaining relationships with you. You cannot get inside their heads, you do not know. You cannot even ask the exes about this because obviously they might not be truthful with you about their true intentions.

 

So the only way to resolve this is to do the following (this is a "test"):

 

--Contact each of your 3 or 4 exes that you are maintaining friendships with, tell them (separately of course) that you are having some marital difficulties, you are fighting with your husband, and you would like to get together with that ex to have a couple of drinks and to reminisce over "old times." When you do this, tell them they must be very discreet and not tell anyone about the plans to meet up, because you do not want your husband to know about it, because your husband is irrationally jealous of the friendship with that ex.

 

--Any of your exes who responds positively to such an invitation by you most likely has an ulterior motive and you should immediately cease all contact with that ex. An acceptable response by an ex might be: "I don't think it's appropriate for us to get together without your spouse [or the exe's current spouse or significant other] knowing about it, given that your spouse is making an issue about the appropriateness of our friendship. Even if you and I think your spouse's jealousy is uncalled for, a meeting between us would feed in to that jealousy and might cause further damage to your relationship. As your true lifelong friend, I would never want to do anything to damage your marriage."

 

--If you are still not sure about the ex's intentions towards you, or get an ambiguous response, then actually arrange a real-life meeting for drinks with that ex--without spouse's knowledge of course. Then after having a couple of drinks with the ex and reminiscing, tell the ex that you've never really gotten over him, things are not working out too well with your husband, and that you wouldn't mind having a little fling on the side for old time's sake.

 

The only acceptable response by the ex would be something like: "That's completely inappropriate, you're a married woman. If you are having problems in your marriage you need to work those out with your husband. I feel uncomfortable meeting with you without your husband's knowledge under these circumstances."

 

If you get any other response, then you should immediately defriend and cease all further contact with that ex.

 

Problem solved.

[sally4sara]

Well if you explained it to your husband like that I can easily see he understands and those following reasons are why he doesn't like it.

 

I'm not clear why the way she described it would be why he is against tht particular friend.

 

If they've been friends for years and years AFTER having found they are not good for a relationship - it should make it more okay.

The guy isn't some untested option. He was tried and nixed and then years and years go by without any physical interest, its a pretty done deal.

 

But he is her husband and his feelings should matter.

 

OP. why did you marry someone who thinks you'll cheat?

[2sunny]

It just drives me crazy. I mean there are only about 3 guys that I'm talking about. One in particular I consider a very good friend. We were good friends before we dated. we tried dating for a while and it didn't work out. We went back to being friends and have been wonderful friends for 10 years now. That's all we are and all we'll ever be. Why can't he understand that?

 

he doesn't need to understand anything. the sheer fact that you place having this friend on FB over and above the M speaks volumes. you are purposely disrespecting and disregarding your husband's wishes.

 

if having this friend is more important than having your H be happy - you ought to consider divorcing. selfish on your part comes to mind. are you always this way?

[MickeyM]

I don't think he thinks I'm actually cheating. He just says its "inappropriate and disrespectful"

[Green]

I don't think he thinks I'm actually cheating. He just says its "inappropriate and disrespectful"

 

There is your answer, are you willing to respect that? I think the only problem would be if he is a hypocrate and has a bunch of women friends who he used to kiss or whatever

[rewe4reel]

I don't think he thinks I'm actually cheating. He just says its "inappropriate and disrespectful"

 

 

Because, as a man, he understands that your exes most likely have ulterior motives.

 

In an earlier post on this thread, I told you what you need to do, which is to "test" each of these gentlemen. It is the only way you will know whether they are trustworthy.

[2sunny]

I don't think he thinks I'm actually cheating. He just says its "inappropriate and disrespectful"

 

it's now weeks later...have you removed them? if not, why are you willing to place these friends above your husband's comfort zone?

 

a simple question that requires a simple answer.

[lkjh]

OP, use your common sense. You know that keeping your ex's as friends on fb is wrong. Heck even CNN did a complete piece on fb is ruining marriages because of this exact thing. Why fight over this, you are married so you have to act like it. Your H should go first. If you aren't willing to put him first then don't expect your marriage to last

[ADF]

You're husband need to get over his petty insecurities. Do a lot of your ex's probably wish they could have sex with you again? I am sure of it. But so what? There are probably a dozen or more who past you on the street every day who wish the same thing. It doesn't mean anything. If we take your husbands logic to its conclusion, you would have to break off contact with every man you know who isn't either gay or a blood relative. That's ridiculous. This isn't Afghanistan.

[ComputerJock]

I don't think he thinks I'm actually cheating. He just says its "inappropriate and disrespectful"

 

There is a radio broadcast where a girl, Ashley, told her boyfriend who was planning on asking her to marry him, Chris, that Eric was only a friend. But he found out that her FRIEND was actually having sex with Ashley. She was busted over the air. On the second broadcast it came out that Ashley had been banging Eric for five years. The radio hosts pointed out that male friends often keep being friends with a girl in the hope they could get into her pants. Your husband is smart enough to realize this and feels these FRIENDS are waiting for you to have a fight with your husband and go to them for:

 

Comfort, shoulder to cry on, someone that REALLY cares for them, etc. All reasons for the start of a Emotional Affair that turns into a Physical Affair that gets discovered and your husband, the Betrayed Spouse, is crushed.

 

How many friends have turned into lovers, anyone have an idea? Especiall ex-lovers.

[lkjh]

You're husband need to get over his petty insecurities. Do a lot of your ex's probably wish they could have sex with you again? I am sure of it. But so what? There are probably a dozen or more who past you on the street every day who wish the same thing. It doesn't mean anything. If we take your husbands logic to its conclusion, you would have to break off contact with every man you know who isn't either gay or a blood relative. That's ridiculous. This isn't Afghanistan.

 

Way to blow it over the top. Her H doesn't want her to be friends with her ex's which is pretty common. Flat out if you know another man has sexual feelings about you and you choose to have them as friends while you are married you are asking for trouble. It has nothing to do with insecurities, it has to do with common sense.

 

Why would you purposely put yourself, marriage, and family in a dangerous position

 

By the way I know here in the US anytime you tell a girl that she shouldn't hang out with guys that want to bang them, they love to throw out the "this isn't Iraq" thing but have you ever noticed that here we have a 50%+ divorce rate. Have you also noticed that women from these middle eastern and far eastern cultures tend to have on average master's to phd level educations but women in the USA just barely average at a bachelors degree? Also, these foreign cultures tend to have degrees in something worth while while our women tend to have degrees in bs things like mass com. Im a little curious about how in these very "oppressive" culture do they produce these "poor" women who are more educated and more adaptive to family life than our "advanced" western women.

 

The truth is that these cultures use common sense when it comes to their family. They don't hang out with ex's because they know its disrespectful to the marriage and posses a threat. Unfortunately we don't get that here and that is why we have so many divorces.

 

OP use your common sense and when you come to a conclusion do it from your family perspective not this utlra bs feminist pov.

 

Just think about what you are fighting your h on. You are little fighting with your h over your ex-boyfriends. Come on you know better than this

[ADF]

Way to blow it over the top. Her H doesn't want her to be friends with her ex's which is pretty common. Flat out if you know another man has sexual feelings about you and you choose to have them as friends while you are married you are asking for trouble. It has nothing to do with insecurities, it has to do with common sense.

 

Oh, c'mon. You and I both know that men almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. Pretty much ALL of any woman's male friends have sexual feelings for her. So do plenty of strangers who walk past her on the street every day. You talk about common sense. Well, common sense is that for a woman to limit her social contacts to men who DON'T want to have sex with her is impossible on a practical level. Men are pretty much willing to have sex with any woman who they find attractive and who is not a blood relation of theirs.

[Crazy Magnet]

It's time to introduce yourself to the delete button. Why would you fight so hard to intentionally hurt your husband? It IS about respect for your relationship for for your husband. You made your vow to him and not these other guys. You need to honor that.

[califnan]

It's time to introduce yourself to the delete button. Why would you fight so hard to intentionally hurt your husband? It IS about respect for your relationship for for your husband. You made your vow to him and not these other guys. You need to honor that.

 

----------------

 

I agree.

[lkjh]

Oh, c'mon. You and I both know that men almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. Pretty much ALL of any woman's male friends have sexual feelings for her. So do plenty of strangers who walk past her on the street every day. You talk about common sense. Well, common sense is that for a woman to limit her social contacts to men who DON'T want to have sex with her is impossible on a practical level. Men are pretty much willing to have sex with any woman who they find attractive and who is not a blood relation of theirs.

 

Yes I know that and said that. But you compared her former bf's, men she use to sleep with to her relatives which is flat out bs. These guys are not her friends they are men that she at one point was romantically involved with. You even compared asking your SO to stop contact with ex's to oppressing women.

 

Asking your significant other to forsake all other is pretty common in marriage and if someone can not do that then they don't respect the relationship

 

OP,

be careful about this. You are fighting your H on something that he is right about and the only reason you are doing this is because of your pride. I don't think you realize how much you are hurting him and your marriage

[lkjh]

It's time to introduce yourself to the delete button. Why would you fight so hard to intentionally hurt your husband? It IS about respect for your relationship for for your husband. You made your vow to him and not these other guys. You need to honor that.

 

agreed but I think its because of stupid pride

[linwood]

I`m a man.

 

I`ve been married for ten years.

 

If my wife left me tomorrow my next sexual encounter would most probably be with an Ex as that is my track record and it`s just oh so convenient for so many reasons.

 

This is why I have no unnecessary contact with ex-lovers.

 

It`s completely understandable why your husband doesn`t want the vultures lurking around.

Hell, they`re already causing problems in the relationship and your not sleeping with them!

 

Stop being so dense and delete them, apologize to your husband for your insensitivity and move on.

[Ilovehim]

Then delete them. Your husbands feelings come first. Ex'es are in the past.