Husband upset about me having ex's as Facebook friends?

[FryFish]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

Well, given the choice between your husband or your facebook friends which would you choose?

[FryFish]

Every time I've seen this happen, its always moved on to same sex friends as well.

I doubt you have ever seen it actually happen but your argument is based on the slippery slope fallacy anyways....

 

That and you should preface your posts wit hthe fact that you are ok with your husband cheating on you.

[redtail]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

Of course you don't have to, you can and most likely will, do whatever you want. You asked the collective minds here their opinion and most, with some exceptions, feel that given the choice, they'd choose to honor the wishes of their SO.

 

There are no "shoulds" there are only choices and consequences...

 

Good luck with the choices you make.

[BubbleFreak]

Of course you don't have to, you can and most likely will, do whatever you want. You asked the collective minds here their opinion and most, with some exceptions, feel that given the choice, they'd choose to honor the wishes of their SO.

 

There are no "shoulds" there are only choices and consequences...

 

Good luck with the choices you make.

 

Exactly my point.

[Samantha0905]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

Insecurity and jealousy. Immature deleting you.

 

Its not so much the friends, its the fact that her husband is dictating who she can and can't have contact with....I personally would object to that. If its exes today, who will it be tomorrow? Every time I've seen this happen, its always moved on to same sex friends as well. Controlling is controlling.

 

Yes, it's controlling and insecure behavior.

 

People can and are friends with their ex-boyfriends. I believe my daughter is still friends with several of hers and her husband is aware -- both are on facebook -- and he is not jealous.

 

I think it's nice when people who have had relationships -- and have moved on to new relationships, are still civil enough to remain friends.

[Chrome Barracuda]

WHY DO YOU FEMALES NEED TO HAVE YOUR EXES AS FRIENDS ANYWAYS!?

 

WTF YOUR MARRIED! YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

it's not so much insecurity its about protecting your marriage. I guess if you ladies are cool with your husband having some smoking hot exes on facebook and then it goes downhill. they leave messages, the flirt alot, they talk crap about you, because that's the way it always go. so to prevent that events from going in motion, taking the exes off is the right thing to do. in this day and age marriages are hard to maintain, we dont need past exes and PAST relationships throwing monkey wrenches into the marriage.

 

I've never saw a reason to stay friends with an ex. Platonic or otherwise.

 

The only reason girls are friends with an ex is to keep a quick connection to a possible booty call, guys too. People are not stupid. How many people, have we known that still sleep with their exes on occasion?

[crazycatlady]

I doubt you have ever seen it actually happen but your argument is based on the slippery slope fallacy anyways....

 

That and you should preface your posts wit hthe fact that you are ok with your husband cheating on you.

 

 

First off, right now I'm in danger of losing one of my best friends because of her husband's desire to limit her contact with other people. She argues with him about it, and insists we get time to hang out, but he throws up road blocks every chance he gets, its not so bad as its been for her in the past because me he at least kinda likes (as a friend) but he's still jealous of our friendship.

 

This is not the first time this has happened to people I know. In fact every time a boyfriend or husband has told their SO to not talk to someone it has snowballed into more people. First its the exes, then all opposite sex, then same sex they aren't fond of until by the end they basically have no friends at all they can visit with. Usually after they have broken up that friend comes back going "I can't believe I let it get to that point". My sister's ex tried to do it with her family! Which was pretty much the final straw thankfully.

 

OP - like I asked before, is this a new behavior? Or have you newly added these guys to your facebook friends list?

 

CCL

Oh one more thing...

 

As for your other personal comment about me, you are so very wrong. Cheating and open are not the same thing. And I'm so not ok with his cheating. Just because We are reconciling our marriage doesn't make it mean I am ok with it. You have no idea what we went through over it. I just am not like most other BSes and don't keep dwelling on it over and over and over. Its a useless way to handle it. And open is not cheating. It also has nothing to do with this situation. Do me a favor and don't try to speak for my emotions or experiences again, will ya?

[2sunny]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

depends. have you EARNED his trust? or have you ever given him the slightest reason not to trust you.

 

these are your exes for a reason. IF you show him with your actions that they hold a bigger priority over your marriage - then that is not usually a healthy sign for your marriage.

 

so i ask, does he have any reason to wonder about you? is the marriage perfectly healthy and his request completely out of line?

 

is it worth disrespecting him and disregarding his feelings and comfort zone?

[seibert253]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

OK, let's say your H is insecure. What's more important to you, easing his insecuring, or your own selfishness. Yes IMO I think you are being selfish. You are putting your feelings ahead of your H's. If he has a problem with something in your M, whatever it is, then it is also your problem.

 

You can approach this from two angles:

1. Continue with your me first approach and add to your husband's insecurities and put undue strain and stress on your relationship, or

2. Do something that will put him at ease, and will show him he is first in your eyes, heart, and feelings, and lose the ex's.

 

If you do #2, he will feel less insecure in the future, and more abt to trust.

It's really troubling that you would even consider purposely doing something he doesn't approve of.

[Green]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

Really, you don't understand? So do you have no rules in your mariage? Is it cool if one of your ex lovers posts on your wall " What have you been up to?"

 

You are married you should respect certain boundaries, one of those boundaries should be avoiding intimate contact and communication with lovers from your past.

 

This is actually irrelevant. It doesn't matter how he should feel, its how he DOES feel. How would you feel if you husband told you that you should feel or act a certain way?

 

I don't think she cares how he feels.

 

Its not so much the friends, its the fact that her husband is dictating who she can and can't have contact with....I personally would object to that. If its exes today, who will it be tomorrow? Every time I've seen this happen, its always moved on to same sex friends as well. Controlling is controlling.

 

So you should be able to have contact with anyone you want while in a marriage including past and future lovers... all is good right, no rules in mariage.

 

OK, let's say your H is insecure. What's more important to you, easing his insecuring, or your own selfishness.

 

Looking at her ex's pictures and status updates is more important to her.

[xxoo]

You are married you should respect certain boundaries, one of those boundaries should be avoiding intimate contact and communication with lovers from your past.

 

I'll agree that married couples should respect certain boundaries, but I don't agree with the boundaries you suggest. Your boundaries aren't universally appropriate for every couple by a long shot.

 

The important thing is that they couple agrees to boundaries they can both support and live with. For me and my H, that definitely includes friendships with people of the opposite sex. Neither of us has any serious exes, but I'd be fine with him facebook friending his ex if it came up.

[Green]

I'll agree that married couples should respect certain boundaries, but I don't agree with the boundaries you suggest. Your boundaries aren't universally appropriate for every couple by a long shot.

 

The important thing is that they couple agrees to boundaries they can both support and live with. For me and my H, that definitely includes friendships with people of the opposite sex. Neither of us has any serious exes, but I'd be fine with him facebook friending his ex if it came up.

 

Well her husband isn't fine with it. So is it her job to only follow the boundaries she believes in. WHY does she need them as FB friends so much.

[xxoo]

Well her husband isn't fine with it. So is it her job to only follow the boundaries she believes in.

 

No, it is their mutual job to find something that works for both of them.

 

WHY does she need them as FB friends so much.

 

Good question for her partner to ask her.

 

And she could ask her partner, WHY do the facebook friends make you so uncomfortable? Communication is vital.

[Green]

No, it is their mutual job to find something that works for both of them.

 

 

 

Good question for her partner to ask her.

 

And she could ask her partner, WHY do the facebook friends make you so uncomfortable? Communication is vital.

 

Well he has told her why, he doesn't like the idea of her ex's being her fb friends... what else is there to understand? Its the title of this thread. Is it that offensive for a husband to have this as his stated reason?

[2sunny]

i will tell you - i am not and have never been a jealous gal.

 

when i was married- IF my husband had a FB page - and his old lovers from years ago were there... i would have been uneasy. i would have felt a small intrusion on our private life. in some small way shape or form - it seems like anything your private life contains could potentially be common knowledge for pals that used to love each other and have sex together.

 

IF he were unwilling to give up that friend on a computer - i would view this as him having her as a priority over me and my marriage.

 

that isn't within my comfort zone.

 

i think you're out of line if this is the case.

[xxoo]

Well he has told her why, he doesn't like the idea of her ex's being her fb friends... what else is there to understand? Its the title of this thread. Is it that offensive for a husband to have this as his stated reason?

 

But that isn't a stated reason. Why doesn't he like the idea? Why does it bother him? If he could tell her understand these things, she might understand his POV better--and it might help them find a compromise (a way to meet her wants/needs within his comfort zone).

 

It seems obvious to you, Green, because you share his discomfort. But I don't....so I honestly don't "get" it. I'd want to know exactly what the concern is.

[BubbleFreak]

OP, I still don't understand why you have been making such a big deal out of your husband's request.

 

You still haven't said why it is so important for you to maintain these friendships. If it is that important, then the reasons must be very good. If you "need not justify yourself", then what's all this husband bashing about, saying his actions are immature. I'd be more worried when he stops caring whether or not you have exes as friends.

 

So much drama.

[Green]

But that isn't a stated reason. Why doesn't he like the idea? Why does it bother him? If he could tell her understand these things, she might understand his POV better--and it might help them find a compromise (a way to meet her wants/needs within his comfort zone).

 

It seems obvious to you, Green, because you share his discomfort. But I don't....so I honestly don't "get" it. I'd want to know exactly what the concern is.

 

I can't speak for him, but if I were in this situation I would say it really upsets me. Then she might says something like "its all inocent, they are great friends to me, I don't want you controling me" Then I would say "I'm not trying to insult you by saying you will cheat on me it would just really mean a lot to me if you would just do this for me."

 

At a minimum I would unfriend my spouse if they refused to unfriend ex's I had a problem with. I mean what next, do we have to invite her ex's to our parties and get togathers?

[xxoo]

I can't speak for him, but if I were in this situation I would say it really upsets me. Then she might says something like "its all inocent, they are great friends to me, I don't want you controling me" Then I would say "I'm not trying to insult you by saying you will cheat on me it would just really mean a lot to me if you would just do this for me."

 

At a minimum I would unfriend my spouse if they refused to unfriend ex's I had a problem with. I mean what next, do we have to invite her ex's to our parties and get togathers?

 

To the bolded, I would respond: It really upsets me when I feel untrusted, because I have always been competely transparent and trustworthy. It would mean a lot to you I she defriends; it would mean a lot to me to be trusted enough to friend. Neither standpoint is more "correct".

 

Believe it or not, neither of us would have any issue with an ex coming to a party or get together. It isn't going to happen, because we aren't in touch with exes (although I locate one on facebook last night, inspired by this thread, lol!). But we've been together decades, and those relationships were so long in the past--and so lukewarm compared to our fire--and we just remember them with warm feelings. I'd love to know if they are married....have children...see photos of their babies....all that stuff!

[Maxxx]

I see this is a hot topic LOL here is my 2 cents I have exes on my FB friends list BUT if my wife wanted me to take them off I would with out question! Because it would be the right thing to do..

[SummerLady]

WHY DO YOU FEMALES NEED TO HAVE YOUR EXES AS FRIENDS ANYWAYS!?

 

WTF YOUR MARRIED! YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

it's not so much insecurity its about protecting your marriage. I guess if you ladies are cool with your husband having some smoking hot exes on facebook and then it goes downhill. they leave messages, the flirt alot, they talk crap about you, because that's the way it always go. so to prevent that events from going in motion, taking the exes off is the right thing to do. in this day and age marriages are hard to maintain, we dont need past exes and PAST relationships throwing monkey wrenches into the marriage.

 

I've never saw a reason to stay friends with an ex. Platonic or otherwise.

 

The only reason girls are friends with an ex is to keep a quick connection to a possible booty call, guys too. People are not stupid. How many people, have we known that still sleep with their exes on occasion?

 

 

Chrome always tells it like it is!!!

[Hop_prophet]

Believe it or not, neither of us would have any issue with an ex coming to a party or get together. It isn't going to happen, because we aren't in touch with exes (although I locate one on facebook last night, inspired by this thread, lol!). But we've been together decades, and those relationships were so long in the past--and so lukewarm compared to our fire--and we just remember them with warm feelings. I'd love to know if they are married....have children...see photos of their babies....all that stuff!

 

Well I can give lots of reasons. One of them being what you mentioned above. That does not pertain to friendship in any way shape or form. It is pure curiosity and nothing more. You are curious about your Ex and willing to introduce the possibility of trouble into your relationship rather than prioritizing the relationship. This is what it usually comes down to. It is really NOT a friendship situation, and very rarely platonic on both sides. Now that is fine if your H/bf is okay with it (like in your case), but with the OP he was was clearly not.

 

Another reason is that males are highly visual and when their gf is off contacting their ex (usually for very frivolous and trivial reasons - mine actually gave me the reason that she just wanted to see a familiar face in a new city) it conjures up all types of images of them having sex. Again not at all healthy for a close relationship.

 

Really, if two people breakup and move on then why is there such a need to reconnect with these people? It is a strong emotional investment to keep these people in your life. Unless the friendship is strong and there is no attraction whatsoever on either end (rare IMO), why is it necessary to reach out to an EX and cause probems with your SO? I think there is an element of 'what if' and some rekindling of the prior relationship (even if it is subconsious).

 

Compound the above with any other problems in a relationship (and we all have them) and it may look very much like something inappropriate is going on when a SO reaches out to an EX. Almost like they are looking for something that is lacking in their own relationship. It does not foster and encourage trust, but erodes it.

 

Now my gf has some EXes that she talks to and I don't mind at all because I can tell that it is water under the bridge and the contact is truly harmless mainly information sharing and they never really fell out of contact for long and have known each other for years. They were around when I met her and I am not threatened by it.

[KikiW]

Just for the amusement of throwing gasoline on the fire...

 

If a bi-sexual is in a committed relationship and that partner is insecure, should the bi-sexual not have any friends at all?

 

[KikiW]

WHY DO YOU FEMALES NEED TO HAVE YOUR EXES AS FRIENDS ANYWAYS!?

 

WTF YOUR MARRIED! YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

it's not so much insecurity its about protecting your marriage. I guess if you ladies are cool with your husband having some smoking hot exes on facebook and then it goes downhill. they leave messages, the flirt alot, they talk crap about you, because that's the way it always go. so to prevent that events from going in motion, taking the exes off is the right thing to do. in this day and age marriages are hard to maintain, we dont need past exes and PAST relationships throwing monkey wrenches into the marriage.

 

I've never saw a reason to stay friends with an ex. Platonic or otherwise.

 

The only reason girls are friends with an ex is to keep a quick connection to a possible booty call, guys too. People are not stupid. How many people, have we known that still sleep with their exes on occasion?

 

I am friends with 3 ex's on Facebook. I do not stay friends with them for "booty calls". They are ex's for a reason. One ex is my ex-husband - we are awesome friends! Not so great spouses, but great friends... we have a lot in common like movies and tv shows, we have similar sense of humor, we have a wonderful kid. But I don't want to sleep with him.

 

Another ex was a guy I dated for 5 months when I was like 17 years old. He was my cousin's best friend, and we hooked up shortly after my cousin passed away. He was a sweet boyfriend, but I knew we weren't meant for the long run, so I ended it. He's got a darling girlfriend and we catch up through our FB statuses every once in a while.

 

I think the key is really making sure your SO has full access to all the information. At first mine was a little suspicious of my ex-teenage flame, but once I explained our history and he saw how little we actually communicated, he was just fine. And of course he's gotten to know my ex husband very well so he knows all about that.

 

Sorry to disagree, but I do think women and men can be friends. Everyone just needs to know the boundaries.

[carhill]

OP, have your and H's ex'es over for a party. I think it would be great fun and he'd get to know these ex'es, have a beer or two with them and perhaps be more accepting of the past. Get those invitations out today