Husband upset about me having ex's as Facebook friends?

[witabix]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

You have answered it yourself MickeyM, "because he feels jealous about it". Why are you happy for him to be jealous? Why do you require these contacts?

 

I am afraid you do not have to give permission for his feelings. Try to understand them, yes. Talk to him about them, yes. Respond to them, if you want to. But you can't just do something that annoys him and expect him to be cool about it, he won't be, no one would.

 

The only issue here would be if he were controlling you in any other way. No male friends, checking up on you and the like.

[SummerLady]

OP, have your and H's ex'es over for a party. I think it would be great fun and he'd get to know these ex'es, have a beer or two with them and perhaps be more accepting of the past. Get those invitations out today

 

 

Sarcasm goes a long way;)

[carhill]

Sarcasm goes a long way;)

LOL, having met two of stbx's 'ex'es' (one exH and one exBF), and coming, over the years, to genuinely like them as men, I should have seen a commonality. Oops...

 

Still, transparency is a great equalizer. I would think the OP would be all about equality...

[redtail]

...

Sorry to disagree, but I do think women and men can be friends. Everyone just needs to know the boundaries.

 

"Can be friends" indicates an ability. We all have the ability to be a lot of things and I agree men and women can be friends. But in practice we all know what sometimes happens.

 

I think the issue here is whether or not trust has been established. The answer aslo is situational and is different for each couple, there is no "one size fits all" answer. Anecdotal evidence of a situation where it may have been okay doesn't mean it will work for someone else. Communication, trust and care for each other's boundaries and feelings are, as always, key.

[seibert253]

I see this is a hot topic LOL here is my 2 cents I have exes on my FB friends list BUT if my wife wanted me to take them off I would with out question! Because it would be the right thing to do..

 

Already done that Maxx. Problem solved

[crazycatlady]

I see this is a hot topic LOL here is my 2 cents I have exes on my FB friends list BUT if my wife wanted me to take them off I would with out question! Because it would be the right thing to do..

 

See, it would greatly depend on the situation.

 

If these were friends I never lost touch with, he had always known I were friends with, and suddenly started having issues when nothing had changed - like no flirting, nothing to be suspicious about etc - then no I wouldn't do it without first wanting a darn good reason.

 

Now if its just people I recently added to my friend's list, then i could see his point maybe, and probably would delete them. Actually, I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't secure enough to deal with it so it never would have happened for me personally but I can see from another's point of view.

 

See when where why and how changes the dynamics of the situation greatly.

 

CCL

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I have been married for three years. I have several ex boyfriends as friends on facebook. These are guys that I had serious love and sexual relationships with, but we are now friends. My husband does not like the fact that we are "friends" on facebook. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

 

 

Yes you are. Get those "exes" off facebook so that your husband feels better, why would you choose your exes as friends over your husbands feelings? How often do you talk to them?

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I can't believe the people here thinking its such a huge deal. WTH. I'm friends with ummm 5 or 6 ex lovers/boyfriends on facebook. I talked to some of them on a regular basis through chat on there, mostly politics. While my husband would never care - and we never would have gotten married if he hadn't been secure enough to handle my being friends with exes - never even occured to me that their girlfriends or wives would be upset. Mainly because if I still wanted to be with them, I wouldn't have ended it in the first place.

 

I wouldn't want to cause anyone grief like this poor girl is getting from both her husband and everyone here. I personally think its rediculous to react in this manner about it. Most exes are exes for a reason, but other then 1, I've managed to remain friends and in some cases good friends with all of mine.

 

 

CCL

 

 

Dont you and your husband have an open marriage? Well then Id say you two have an outstandingly trusting relationship and that is fabulous...BUT that doesnt mean everyone else is like that as well. There are tons of reasons why its perfectly normal and natural for someone to feel insecure with their sig other being friends with exes. And if and when they decide to express this, if their sig other loves and cares about their feelings they will have to respect that and do what it takes to make their sig others more secure. Now Im not saying that there are sometimes that this is unfair and or controlling...but after reading her first two posts in this thread, I think SHE is being silly and rude not listening to how uncomfortable it makes him and doing the appropriate thing.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

If it were me and my wife asked me to not do this, personally I would not hesitate, I would drop them off and not contact them again. End of story.

 

But, I value my marriage, I value my wife's feelings and it's important to me that she know and understand where my priorities are, her.

 

Of course, your mileage may vary...

 

BINGO...you may not necessarily agree...BUT you care and value your wives feelings (good for you!) and do the right thing, make her feel more secure!

[sally4sara]

I have been married for three years. I have several ex boyfriends as friends on facebook. These are guys that I had serious love and sexual relationships with, but we are now friends. My husband does not like the fact that we are "friends" on facebook. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

 

You want to have your exes as at least facebook friends. As long as it is nothing else beyond that, your want is not a WRONG want.

He is not comfortable with you being friends with exes at least on facebook and likely not IRL either. He is not really WRONG to feel that way (though I'd hope he had more trust in you to not cheat).

You need to either be able to respect his comfort level or find a more compatible person to be with.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I just don't understand why I should have to give up friends because he feels jealous about it. We're not doing anything wrong and they're just friends, that's all. Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

 

First of all just how tight of friends are you with your exes? Do you hang out? Talk on the phone? What???? Why the neeeeed to keep them in your life when you know it upsets and makes your husband uncomfortable? Whats more important to you? Your husbands feelings of security and comfort OR you being friends with guys you used to love/screw???? Thats how HE feels, he feels hurt that he has expressed to you (his wife) that he doesnt like that you are friends with exes and you want to fight him on the right to keep these exes as friends? WTH? Maybe you should have stayed single as to not worry about someone elses feelings, only your own?

[stace79]

I have an ex boyfriend and his wife as friends on my list. Another man, who was my roommate and whom I dated briefly, is on the list too. His wife is fine with it. I don't think it is tacky in the least. My husband knows and doesn't care at all. In fact, he met the ex-boyfriend once and we, and he and his wife went to lunch together. I like his wife a lot. I don't chat with him much, but do exchange messages with her. She and I have a lot in common (not the ex).

 

My marriage comes first. If my husband were to express any concerns about it, I would delete them.

 

I have no plans to keep ANY options open. Both of these guys are married. I chose another man, they chose other women. It is what it is. I don't regret my past at all. I would likely not be where I am now, if I had not known my ex-boyfriend. However, I have NO designs on him. Not in the least. We were not meant for each other. His wife was THE one meant for him.

 

To the OP: Delete the exes.

 

This is a great response. I think it has to be taken on a case-by-case basis. The fact that you AND your husband have lunch with your ex AND his wife is very upfront and open and honest. If you have a R with an ex like that, where you transform it into a couple's friendship, then that works great.

 

But the fact that if it bothered your H you'd delete them also shows where your true priorities lie.

 

I agree with you, the OP should delete the friends.

 

And kudos to whoever mentioned the line about "forsaking all others" in the wedding vows! I'd totally forgotten that.

[Krytie TV]

I think the fact that the OP doesn't give a sh*t what her husband has to say about the matter speaks louder than anything else.

[magda]

Yeah, there seem to be more problems here. I don't think I have anyone threatening on my facebook. There are a couple exes on there, but we weren't too serious and don't really talk on there.

 

He might be too controlling, I don'tknow. Based on the fact that you evidently talk to these guys frequently, they are exes, and you don't want to let them go, I think that he can tell that you are loving the attention given to you from these guys and it worries him to see you lapping it up.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think the fact that the OP doesn't give a sh*t what her husband has to say about the matter speaks louder than anything else.

 

LOL, and that's why he defriended her azz on facebook. Now she knows how it feels.

[BubbleFreak]

I think the fact that the OP doesn't give a sh*t what her husband has to say about the matter speaks louder than anything else.

 

I think the fact that this thread is still alive but the OP has only posted 2 or 3 times in the beginning shows she has probably moved on from this. Or has gotten enough attention from us.

[Frontliner]

I think the fact that this thread is still alive but the OP has only posted 2 or 3 times in the beginning shows she has probably moved on from this. Or has gotten enough attention from us.

 

Very true. It seems she has moved on.

[califnan]

I have been married for three years. I have several ex boyfriends as friends on facebook. These are guys that I had serious love and sexual relationships with, but we are now friends. My husband does not like the fact that we are "friends" on facebook. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to understand that we are just friends and to not be bothered by this?

 

----------------------

 

Mickey, Forgive me for not reading the 5 pages.

 

Could you tell me, why do you wish to keep them as friends on your Facebook, now that you are married?

[califnan]

I know another married couple who correspond with those of both sexes (as friends) .. I am just trying to figure out the mindset..

 

On another thread, I think I pretty much discovered that it is done for the antsy married couple to ingratiate their marriage..

[Blindsidedagainalive]

It's hard to imagine someone so ignorant to ask such a stupid question.

 

PLEASE don't listen to SAMANTHA0905's advise......she is a cheater.

 

Of course a spouse will be upset about you being friends with ex's.

 

That's the way it was, that's the way it will always be.

 

It's about protecting what's yours.

 

You ****ED these men, and want to chat with them.

 

Do you get it?

 

If not.....ask some OLD PEOPLE about this.

[DaisyLeigh]

Not everyone has had sex with an ex. I didn't.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

Not everyone has had sex with an ex. I didn't.

 

 

Um...ok Daisy...but she has already clearly stated that she DID have sexual relationships with these guys...so its kind of a moot point.

[sally4sara]

I know another married couple who correspond with those of both sexes (as friends) .. I am just trying to figure out the mindset..

 

On another thread, I think I pretty much discovered that it is done for the antsy married couple to ingratiate their marriage..

 

No, you assumed it to be the case because you have a tawdry mind. It is just the only reason YOU would have platonic friendships.

[stace79]

My opinion is that if exes are so important to you, and for that matter having tons of friends of the opposite sex, then you just shouldn't get married. Maybe you aren't the type of person who does well with commitments and monogamy, or perhaps the person you're considering it with is not the right person for you. If he was, you would have no qualms about dropping some exes off your FB friends list for the love of your life.

[sally4sara]

I think a lot of it has to do with intent and courtesy. I am friends with a few of my exes, tho I wouldn't say close friends. Facebook is so ridiculous, I would think having them on your friends list to be rather benign.

 

Alot depends on how long ago you dated them, the nature of that past relationship, and whether or not both people have truly moved on.

Someone you had a handful of dates with 4 years ago - are they really an ex or just a friendly acquaintance? Someone you broke up with last week that still wanted to date you?

I don't understand why people try to be friends so quickly after a break up. I can't see that working.

 

But I've had exes from years and years ago contact me or pop up. I'm glad to hear from them if they've moved on and have nice things to share since we last spoke. But they have to be respectful. And your partner has to be cool with it too. If you ended up not compatible with these people in the past, what is the sense in upsetting someone you are compatible with for them?

 

If you cannot tolerate any kind of ex as friends scenario, date and marry people who feel the same.

If you would like to have some sort of ex as friends scenario, date and marry someone who feels the same.

But if you ended up marrying someone who can't deal with it, it is not cool to expect them to change just because you ran into one of your exes and now want them on your dumb a$$ facebook list.