Would you ever give a cheater a second chance if they claimed it was partly ur fault?

[confuuuuuused]

Hi everyone

 

I've posted a couple of times before on this site about me and my (now) ex and got good advice but I am wavering! To cut a long story short I was in a relationship for about 5 months, then for 4 months it became an other-side-of-the-world LDR due to my gf's job (only supposed to be 6 weeks but she kept extending it), then about a month ago she broke up with me citing all kinds of reasons including fear of commitment, settling down and so on but the kicker was when she admitted she had been kissed by some guy she knew when drunk and not pushed him away. Even worse, she didn't so much apologise as say she knew it was wrong and didn't want to cheat on me again but could see that kind of thing happening again since she was away for an indefinite period so that's why she wanted to break up - because she didnt want to make promises she couldnt keep. She wanted us to stay friends, to be able to call me etc and said she hoped in the future we could maybe get back together. I didnt think much of all this and told her so and then stupidly ignored the 'no contact' advice (which I have been giving out myself) and we had this long email discussion about the relationship and it turns out she felt neglected by me and that I was too casual, too much like a friend in the way I talked to her (I never told her I loved her or anything like that, and apparently, though I didnt realise this, my emails were really impersonal).

 

So basically she had doubts about my feelings for her and we couldn;t be in touch that much since she was working in the middle of nowhere and so as she puts it she was vulnerable. I don't know, to be honest, how I feel about her now but I replied that when we were bf/gf I did love her and just had a hard time expressing it. I didnt ask to get back with her because I was so hurt by the cheating and I still am.

 

But now she has started saying things like she doesn't know what she thinks about 'us' and she doesn't know what she wants and she might want a relationship with me but she's not sure and basically she managed to use the words 'I don't know' about six times in two sentences when I had never even asked her what she wanted to do, I was assuming she just wanted to be friends like she said in the first place and I was having enough trouble deciding if I still wanted that.

 

It was all pretty hypothetical since I had no idea when she would be back but suddenly it has all come to a head because her company has suddenly gone bust and she's coming back probably this weekend and she's going to want to meet up soon and I have no idea what to do! There are three options as I see it - don't see her at all, see her and be friends or see her and get back together if that's what she wants too. On the one hand I can't even be friends with someone who could cheat, on the other from our discussions I am starting to blame myself in part for what happened. I want to believe in the "good and innocent and in love with me but confused and insecure and hurt" line she is giving me as the reason she cheated because that is the kind of person I always thought she was and I guess I'm still in love with her despite myself. But I imagine from the outside looking in I'm some kind of naive moron who's setting himself up to get kicked down again. I read the other posts on here and see people idolising their cheating partners and I wonder how they can be so blind. Solemate, I know if you're reading this you're going to tell me I'm being a complete idiot.

 

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before, of giving an ex who cheated a second chance and if so how did it work out? Did they betray your trust again or were you glad you swallowed your pride?

[tattoomytoe]

i would meet up with her as a friend, see what happens, and go from there. if anyone is to swallow pride it should be her, not you, so do not think you are a sucker for even seeing her.. maybe she will redeem herself when ya'll get together.

[lost lamb]

it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for you to get back together, however, it seems you are both confused and though you care about eachother, she doesn't seem too stable. basically, you don't seem desperate to get back together and she is not begging for you to get back together, so maybe you shouldn't. it's so hard to give advice online because i don't really know how you are feeling, but i hope all goes well.

[Marty_McFly]

First of all, a cheating partner is never your fault. Yes, you could have neglected them, made them not feel loved, etc., but when someone is in a committed relationship with you, it is their fault if they break that commitment by cheating, and it is their fault for not first breaking up with you or trying to fix the problem if they are having feelings that would allow them to cheat in the first place.

 

That being said, there's always room for forgiveness and understanding. It sounds like in this instance, she was in a particular state of vulnerability, and if it was just kissing, she didn't allow it to go very far before addressing the issue with you, and the good news is that she admitted it to you, which should allow you to keep most of your trust in her. I don't think she's a bad or untrustworthy person for this event. You can usually tell pretty easily if someone is a serial cheater, and it sounds like she is not.

 

I know very much how you feel. I too have a tough time expressing love and affection, and it caused my ex of 6 years to finally lose her feelings for me when someone else started showing her the attention she needed. She didn't actually cheat on me, but she recognized where her feelings were going and broke up with me so she could start dating the new person. So it feels almost as bad as if she cheated on me, because I feel like she at least cheated in her heart even if she didn't carry it through until she had broken up. But I would still take her back if I could because she didn't break my trust through her actions.

 

I think when she returns, you guys should start over from the beginning. You definitely should see her. Make sure she knows your ultimate goal is to be back together, but when you see her, go out as if it's your first date again. No pressure on her, just being friends with conversation in the same mood and tone as if you were on a first date. You have to show her that you know how to love now (if you've learned) and that all the good things she loved about you are still there. It will be tough to show this at first, since you won't be having too intense conversations for awhile so you're not pressuring her. When you first go out, just talk about all of her experiences (not the romantic ones) over the last several months, like she's an old friend who just got back. It's a good thing that she still at least thinks she may want to be with you. I can't promise things will work out, but I think you have a shot.

[confuuuuuused]

Thanks for that. I guess I have to see her just to know for sure. Something else I'm thinking about is, lots of advice I have read on this site is that girls want what they can't have, that if I am seeing someone else she will want me more instead of just thinking that I'm hanging around always available for her while she ummms and ahhhhs and maybes. She's the one who said lets be friends in case we end up seeing other people. There's a girl I like who likes me, not serious at all on either part and certainly not comparable to how I guess I feel for the ex. We already had a brief fling a year or so ago (before I met the ex). I could start seeing this other girl casually, let her know the situation that I am still confused over my ex and so on but I think she knows that already and doesn't mind, she's not looking for a relationship with me as such.

 

What I am thinking is I have waited, faithful, five months for the ex and meanwhile she cheated and broke up with me, here's this other girl interested in me and maybe I've been single for long enough.

 

But would seeing her ruin any chance with the ex or maybe actually improve my chances? Convince the ex she's missing a good thing or just convince her I was lying about being in love with her in the first place?

[Steve2usa]

This will be the third time I posted this today in various threads. There comes a time (Which sounds like your in now) when you must choose between what your heart tells you and what your brain tells you.

 

In your case, your never gonna fully know until you and the ex sit down face to face and talk about the issues. As for the other girl, I'm in the exact same position, the other girl knows my heart is still with my ex and is standing by my side, letting me figure it out on my own.

 

Do not and I repeat...DO NOT...use this new girl as ammunition to sway your ex's decisions. It works both ways, she may realize she's losing you and want you back because she does not want you to be with another. But this is usually for selfish reasons and not always Love. And second, she may see this as you have moved on and will just cut the ties with you. Your best bet is to let her come to a decision about your relationship based on you and her and not outside influences to include her meaningless kiss with another man.

 

It's gonna be hard, I know I'm there with you....But you will in the end come to the right conclusion for yourself and hopefully you will find peace and happiness.

 

Good Luck,

 

Steve

[Angel]

They ALL claim it was partly your fault. Don't buy it. It was their choice---something THEY were lacking not something YOU were lacking or did.

[confuuuuuused]

Yeah see that's what I think Angel, I think she should be the one apologising and so on but I really get the impression she thinks it's all my fault, its like she's talking about maybe wanting to get back together now I told her I was in love with her the whole time but she's almost acting like she will still need convincing I love her, I feel like I need to walk on eggshells or something. If I'm honest I do want to get back with her, a lot, until this happened I really thought she was the one but I want her to see how I was hurt and I guess I want her to be the one asking for forgiveness, whereas somehow I'm getting the vibe from her that she's the one who needs to be convinced that I am sorry and that I need to ask her to take me back? And I'm baulking at that I guess!

 

To forgive her first I need her to see she was wrong, otherwise how can I ever trust her again, but she seems to be implying that we can only get back together if I really lay on the romance (not as in spending loads of money, she's really not bothered about that, in fact she always tried to stop me paying for meals etc) and I'm finding it hard to be romantic and act as if we are on our first date after what happened, it feels like then she might lose all respect for me - if I 'teach' her that if there is a problem she can cheat and I will still come running, I don't think that's too healthy? I suppose that's it really, to take her back I need to be able to trust her again, and to do that I need to make a stand and get her respect. But from her point of view it seems if I take a stand and act indifferent it just proves what she feared all along, that I don't love her?!!? It's a Catch-22!!

[Marty_McFly]

OK, Confused, I think you're definitely CONFUSED! I think you are way off base on your last post.

 

 

Should she apologize to you? Probably. Is there anyway you can or should make her apologize? Absolutely not. When you truly love someone, you understand their feelings, forgive, and forget unconditionally. You say that you need her to see that she was wrong in order for you to forgive her. That is not true forgiveness. Yes, it would be nice for her to say she was wrong, to apologize. And if she truly loves you, then she will probably at some point profess that she is at fault too. But you cannot tell her that she needs to do those things for you to forgive. Besides, in the best case scenario, if she has a "forced" repentance, you will get back together and then you will break up again down the road because it was not true love. However, it could also blow up in your face and end up even much worse.

 

Also, there's no "teaching" to be done. If she loves you, she will know that she shouldn't cheat on you, and she won't WANT to cheat on you. If she cheats on you again, then it's obvious that it's not true love, at least on her part. But like I said before, it sounds to me like she's not like that anyway, and simply had a moment of human failure.

 

You have to forgive her in your heart, regardless of what she says or does from here on out. That is the only way that you can possibly move forward in a healthy manner in this relationship. Once you've forgiven her, you can then feel the way you did when you first went out. Only then will you be able to be the person she fell in love with, and only then will you ever have a possible chance at a healthy relationship.

 

I know this sounded harsh, but believe me, I know how you feel because there was a time where I would have thought those exact same things. But I know now that true love forgives, and a relationship based on any of the other things you mentioned in that post will never work.

[Marty_McFly]

I thought of a few more things, and I'm totally feeling a connection with you because I know how you're thinking because like I said I have tendencies to want to feel the same way.

 

She knows that what she did was wrong. She called you soon after and told you about it. She may not have said it she was wrong or apologized, but her actions showed that she recognized the problem. It is very possible that YOU need to apologize and admit you were wrong first. I don't know all the details of your relationship, but 99% of the time when these things happen, both parties are in the wrong in some manner. Maybe it was simply that you didn't make her feel loved, which was wrong and deserves an apology on your part(I know, I have a tough time showing love and affection too). Or maybe there were other things that you know that you did wrong. If you really love her, you have to have the humility to admit those things to her. That may be all she's waiting for, and she'll apologize too and everything will be all right. Or maybe it will only get the ball rolling, and it may be a while before she's willing to let her own guard down and admit she made mistakes as well. Either way, you have to be the one to step up first. And you don't have to do it in a beggin or pleading manner, but you just have to say sincerely, and in a manner like you've realized inside what you've done, and understand more about relationships and how to love.

 

If you read some of my original posts, the replies may help you realize more about what I'm saying.

[confuuuuuused]

Thanks Marty. I think your advice is very sound. This might help other people on this site at various stages of no contact and trying to get back with their ex. At least it seems to have got the dialogue going again.

 

A week or so ago we sent each other some emails going over the relationship and explaining how we felt about things, but it was still i guess accusing each other about things, though i also said to her I was in love with her the whoel time we were together. We agreed it looked like there were misunderstandings on both parts. I didnt apologise but just reiterated my points and then she said she didntwant to go over the past any more.

 

Yesterday I decided I couldnt leave it like this, there are things I know I did wrong, for me they still dont justify her cheating but i know still that I could have done more to show her i loved her and acted less casual. If it were the other way round, I wouldnt have cheated in her shoes but I'm not her, she seems quite insecure sometimes.

 

Anyway so yesterday I sent her quite a short email saynig I know I was wrong, that I dont need to go through every occasion again now but I know i did things wrong and I am sorry and gave one or two examples and i understand why she was angry and split up and even why she cheated. I said I agree we should split up now because of the distance and all these problems though I said I wish it was different and we had talked more before. I said I dont think we can be friends becuase I dont want to hear if she is seeing someone else and I think maybe we should move on.

 

So then tonight she called me for the first time in a month to tell me she is back in the UK, we had a non-serious chat about stuff for 10-15 mins and then I said I had to go bcos I was in the bar with my friends and they were waiting for me to play pool (true). I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do or not, but I was feeling a bit awkward and weird, we broke up on email a month ago and this is the first time we spoke off email.

 

So she apologised for interrupting my night and said she'd call again. When I got home she had also just emailed me a short reply to my big apology email, saying it was good to talk and she jjust wanted to say 'hi' and see how I was doing and we would speak soon.

 

I don't know what to make of this, the last thing she really said about us was, she didnt know when she would be back from working abroad (her choice) and didnt know how she felt about us, suddenly her company goes bankrupt and she gets sent home and she calls me up? I don't wanna get used (though again, its not for money, she lives with her rich folks and has earned heaps while away). But I mean, she's bound to be bored living at home again in her small town so I don't wanna be just Mr Diversion. Or is she calling me becuase I apologised yesterday (after all, she's been back a week already and not called until now)? Or bcos I acted like I was finally ready to move on and that freaked her out? I just don't know. If I keep acting casual she wont belive my apology email, I will be going right back into the Mr Casual thing which she hated. BUt then theres all this advice I keep seeing about don't scare her off and don'tact all lovey dovey and let her work a bit too and chase me and create some mystery for her since it w3as her who dumped me and I guess I'm a bit lost still. But it looks like the saying they were right thing and saying sorry first at least gets the dialogue going agian. The hard part is deciding if I can handle that dialogue or even want it any more.

[onfuuuuuused]

OK so here's an update, when she got back to the uk she called and texted a couple of times, I kept it light and friendly and was the one to come off the phone first. Anyway, I found out theres a concert on where I live with a band we both love, on one day only on the 13th ie just before Val Day. We live in different towns.

 

A few days ago I suggested we meet up on the 13th, to catch up from her travels and also there was this thing I wanted to take her to, a surprise I said that we could only do that day. I really had doubts about asking her because of the date, I didn't want to seem to be coming on too strong, but I thought what the hell. She was supposed to be going out with her friend (girl) to celebrate the friend's recent birthday, on the 13th but also they are going out as a bigger group for the birthday again the 14th.

 

So anyway, now she's coming to see me instead and go to this concert, though she doesn't even know that's what we are doing, just that its a surprise. And staying at mine overnight (though I offered up front to sleep in the lounge).

 

My question is, really, is this something an ex girlfriend would do only six weeks after breaking up with me if she definitely only wanted to be friends? I mean, she's gonna go out with me, alone, not knowing where, the night before Val day instead of with her friends for their birthday s she planned and then wake up in my bed - if not necessarily right next to me on Val day. Girls, would you do that? I mean, if you really only wanted to be friends, wouldn't you avoid like the plague doing anything like this with a recent ex that could be misconstrued around Val day?