Mothers day OW hug

[bittersweet memories]

You asked and so here it is.

 

 

Summary: lilagirl missed the past in which her H would get her kids all excited about Mother's Day. This made her wonder how her MM treats his BW on Mother's Day. This is normal thinking, it's called relating. I wonder if you ever wonder what your WH did for his exOW on Mother's Day if she is in fact a mother; if you did that would be normal but that is beside the point. Finally, lilagirl is going through a major transition in life as she is D'ing her H and hoping that her MM comes through on his end. Since you took your WH back, your thoughts never had to be quite as jumbled as lilagirl's. Almost but no cigar, you can't compare the two.

 

And even though she is going through so much stress in giving a betrayed H his freedom, in hoping her MM will come through, and wondering how much he is faking it at home she is still gracious enough to come here and send all of us including you hugs. Nice lady. I think we call that grace under pressure.

 

 

And here begins the cuts.

 

You never thought about your WH when you threw him out after D-day? You only thought about your kids that day. I thought most women multi-tasked but maybe that is just me.

 

I'm not even going to address that.

 

Doesn't sound real sincere but if you say so. Oh, and I think you DO understand multi-tasking because I see the word 'mostly' above.

 

Because her heart is full for all people, not just her own kind.

 

That sounded kind of trite. Sorry.

 

She didn't have to mention her kids and we don't have to know that she spent quality time with them. The OP wasn't about spending quality time with her kids, it was after her day with them, and after her day she had some time to reflect on how much she missed her MM and how his W's day might have been special at the hands of a liar/faker. Again, multi-tasking. She may have also spent the day on the phone with her mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, sisters who are mothers, etc., etc. There are more people in our lives even on Mother's Day than just our precious children.

 

Perhaps it is easier for you to wave off people who hurt us than others. If so, I don't know how you forgave your WH so easily but you did. You don't seem to focus so much on the present in your posts as much as the past but for a lot of OW our posts are current and not in the past.

 

You asked and so I'm telling you that your posts seemed to be attacking in nature toward lilagirl. You questioned her motherhood, her character, and even how she spent her holiday. And all she did to you was offer a hug.

 

Wow....Seriously, you are no better than bashers. Just reading your post lately you sound like a basher yourself. Don't you have some healing to do?

[CrayonAngel]

I am new to this site and I must say....WOW. We are all entitled to our own opinions and wether you like someones opinion is your own thing obviously whats right and wrong for someone elese to think/act/feel or speak. This isn't a lecture forum so quit acting like your appaled by one or 2 peoples response...BTW don't actions speak louder than words? Lilagirl has posted her story. She is with a MM who wants his M to work, who would dump her in a flash (her words not mine) if there was any spark he would work on it...yet she is a willing detour?!? She doesn't deserve the pain, no one does. But she is a participant in a wreckless relationship that she knows isnt going anwhere. I feel for her, some may not. that is what makes us different. wouldnt it be a sad world if we couldn't say what we thought?

[White Flower]

Wow....Seriously, you are no better than bashers. Just reading your post lately you sound like a basher yourself. Don't you have some healing to do?

Hey BS please don't worry about my healing ok? I'm doing just fine.

 

I am in no way bashing anyone. I am standing up for the right of lilagirl to post about her feelings and concerns. And when somebody asks me please, by the way, to explain myself I will do it. Otherwise I will keep it to myself which is what I was going to do until I was asked.

 

jthorne, I'm pretty sure that we're still keeping on topic even though we are having our dispute over lilagirl's right to post. Most of her OP is being hashed out in our conversation.

[White Flower]

I am new to this site and I must say....WOW. We are all entitled to our own opinions and wether you like someones opinion is your own thing obviously whats right and wrong for someone elese to think/act/feel or speak. This isn't a lecture forum so quit acting like your appaled by one or 2 peoples response...BTW don't actions speak louder than words? Lilagirl has posted her story. She is with a MM who wants his M to work, who would dump her in a flash (her words not mine) if there was any spark he would work on it...yet she is a willing detour?!? She doesn't deserve the pain, no one does. But she is a participant in a wreckless relationship that she knows isnt going anwhere. I feel for her, some may not. that is what makes us different. wouldnt it be a sad world if we couldn't say what we thought?

Crayon Angel I like your avatar. Did you create that drawing/painting yourself? Sorry for the t/j but I've been wanting to ask for a while now.

[herenow]

You asked and so here it is.

 

And here begins the cuts.

 

You never thought about your WH when you threw him out after D-day? You only thought about your kids that day. I thought most women multi-tasked but maybe that is just me.

 

I'm not even going to address that.

 

Doesn't sound real sincere but if you say so. Oh, and I think you DO understand multi-tasking because I see the word 'mostly' above.

 

Because her heart is full for all people, not just her own kind.

 

That sounded kind of trite. Sorry.

 

She didn't have to mention her kids and we don't have to know that she spent quality time with them. The OP wasn't about spending quality time with her kids, it was after her day with them, and after her day she had some time to reflect on how much she missed her MM and how his W's day might have been special at the hands of a liar/faker. Again, multi-tasking. She may have also spent the day on the phone with her mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, sisters who are mothers, etc., etc. There are more people in our lives even on Mother's Day than just our precious children.

 

Perhaps it is easier for you to wave off people who hurt us than others. If so, I don't know how you forgave your WH so easily but you did. You don't seem to focus so much on the present in your posts as much as the past but for a lot of OW our posts are current and not in the past.

 

You asked and so I'm telling you that your posts seemed to be attacking in nature toward lilagirl. You questioned her motherhood, her character, and even how she spent her holiday. And all she did to you was offer a hug.

 

First, I'm all about the kids on Mother's Day and no matter how you try to twist my words, I'm sad that the OP was thinking about a MM on that day.

 

I did spend a Mothers Day separated from my H and, for me, they were all I needed to make me happy on that day. I remember it well. I was nothing but thankful that I have such beautiful children and nothing was going to bring me down. It actually helped me realize that I was happy with my life with or without my H.

 

BTW, go back and read her post with an open mind. Does she really sound like a person with a "heart full for all people" when she is stating that MM are faking being a family man on Mother's Day? I think not.

 

As far as forgiving my H. It was far from easy. And yes, I speak in the past on this forum because that part of my life has past. Based on PM's I get, my situation and how it turned out has helped others. I may not have helped you, but that doesn't mean my posts aren't valuable additions to someone else. So, as long as I can be of help to BW's and some OW's on this site, I will continue to share my views when I can.

 

As far as the OP, I'm glad she spent quality time with her kids as she has now told us. I hope that she is able to find what she is looking for in the future so she can focus on being happy with her life and her kids.

[White Flower]

First, I'm all about the kids on Mother's Day and no matter how you try to twist my words, I'm sad that the OP was thinking about a MM on that day.

 

I did spend a Mothers Day separated from my H and, for me, they were all I needed to make me happy on that day. I remember it well. I was nothing but thankful that I have such beautiful children and nothing was going to bring me down. It actually helped me realize that I was happy with my life with or without my H.

 

BTW, go back and read her post with an open mind. Does she really sound like a person with a "heart full for all people" when she is stating that MM are faking being a family man on Mother's Day? I think not.

 

As far as forgiving my H. It was far from easy. And yes, I speak in the past on this forum because that part of my life has past. Based on PM's I get, my situation and how it turned out has helped others. I may not have helped you, but that doesn't mean my posts aren't valuable additions to someone else. So, as long as I can be of help to BW's and some OW's on this site, I will continue to share my views when I can.

 

As far as the OP, I'm glad she spent quality time with her kids as she has now told us. I hope that she is able to find what she is looking for in the future so she can focus on being happy with her life and her kids.

I'm glad your Mother's Day is all about the kids and I'm glad that in no way whatsoever were you sad at all during that brief separation you endured. You are quite amazing and I applaud you.

 

I did, however, already read lilagirl's OP with an open mind. It was yours that I thought was closed but we can agree to disagree.

 

Many MM ARE faking at home and many have the ability to be happy wherever they are. The latter are scary and we can never really know them; however, many OW are privy to this kind of man sooner than their W's are, sadly. Lilagirl knows what she is talking about and extends her heart out to both sides. I think she is kind of nice actually and yes I would say her heart is full.

 

I didn't need for her to post later that she had a nice day with her kids because having an open mind I could see that already. Again, her focus was not about the day it was an afterthought about how somebody else's day might not have been so sincere and how she missed the person who's sincerity is in question.

 

I will never twist your words or say your posts are unvaluable. I felt your thoughts on this were misunderstood, causing the OP to feel bashed. I didn't see it as helpful but then again we can agree to disagree.

[Spark1111]

Jeez, I do not know what it is like to miss a MM, but I do know what it is like to miss a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, and a WS who may have been faking it during the holidays.

 

But I know this much is true for me: I am a wonderful, fiercely devoted, giving and caring mother.

 

And NO ONE can take that away from me....ever! Not with a lack of presence, or presents, or cards, or gifts, or fanfare.

 

Lilagirl, feel that, own it, believe it.

 

Your children will only ever have one mother, and it is you!

 

Men may come and go, but for your children, you are it.

 

Do not let anyone ever, no man, no parent, no friend, or circumstance EVER ALLOW YOU TO FEEL LESS THAN in that role.

 

Happy Mother's Day to all.

[CrayonAngel]

Thank you WF. No, it is not my work (I wish my work looked that good) it is a favorite of mine tho..I love to paint.

[herenow]

I'm glad your Mother's Day is all about the kids and I'm glad that in no way whatsoever were you sad at all during that brief separation you endured. You are quite amazing and I applaud you.

 

I find this to be sarcastic and uncalled for. I never said in no way whatsoever was I sad at all during my separation from my H, and I'm sure you know that. I was talking abut the topic of THIS thread, Mothers' Day, but you know that too.

 

If you think I was closed minded in posting my thoughts about Lila and the fact that she was in the situation of thinking about a MM on Mother's Day, so be it. If Lila feels bashed by me, that was not my intention. I must have missed where Lila stated that she felt I was bashing her. Please show me where that fact is so that I can apologize to her.

 

I just went back and read Lila's response and she thanked everyone for their posts on this thread, good and bad. She said she spent quality time with her kids and I'm happy for that. Please stop putting words into her mouth. If she felt bashed she could have said it herself, but she didn't.

 

Back to the topic. Again, LIla I hope you find happiness and next Mother's Day will be a great one.

Edited May 13, 2010 by herenow

[fooled once]

Many MM ARE faking at home and many have the ability to be happy wherever they are. The latter are scary and we can never really know them; however, many OW are privy to this kind of man sooner than their W's are, sadly. Lilagirl knows what she is talking about and extends her heart out to both sides.

 

FA was talking about assumptions and WF, I really think you are making some assumptions here.

 

Yes, some MM fake things at home, but some MM fake things with the OW too I find it very hard to believe that many OW know these MM better than their wives...wives they have spent years with compared to months (which aren't consecutive months) with a MM. Many of these OW get stolen moments, an hour here, a few hours there. Yet they know these MM better than their wives? I don't believe that. Why is it so hard to believe that these MM fake things to the OW (unhappy home, no sex, wife is mean, etc)?

 

They know a man who cheats. They know a man who lies. They know the side of him that he is showing to them in their limited time. They don't know him day in and day out. Yes, I know these MM call and text their OW during the day ... but again, that isn't giving them a true picture of this guy.

 

When people date, they spend time getting to know each other in various surroundings and during various events - family time, work things, parties, etc. OW for the most part aren't invited to Thanksgiving dinner, the 4th of July BBQ with the neighbors, etc. They are presented with a small window of the person. They aren't there day in and day out -- with all the stress life brings on a daily basis.

 

The OP knows a side of the MM, a side the wife obviously doesn't know. A side that will upset and tear apart the wife, more than likely. These are men sneaking around on their wives, cheating on their families. I am not saying these are bad men, but their actions and behaviors are less than honorable and I would guess many of us with kids would NEVER want to see those behaviors and actions in our kids. We don't raise our kids to model that behavior.

 

Sorry for the T/J but I just had to state that I really don't believe that OW know the MM better than the wife. If I misunderstood your post, I am sorry.

[White Flower]

FA was talking about assumptions and WF, I really think you are making some assumptions here.

OK, I'll bite. I'm always ready to hear another side...as long as it's with good intention.

Yes, some MM fake things at home, but some MM fake things with the OW too I find it very hard to believe that many OW know these MM better than their wives...wives they have spent years with compared to months (which aren't consecutive months) with a MM. Many of these OW get stolen moments, an hour here, a few hours there. Yet they know these MM better than their wives? I don't believe that. Why is it so hard to believe that these MM fake things to the OW (unhappy home, no sex, wife is mean, etc)?

So far, no argument. All true. The only thing you are assuming is that we don't know this but that's ok.

They know a man who cheats. They know a man who lies. They know the side of him that he is showing to them in their limited time. They don't know him day in and day out. Yes, I know these MM call and text their OW during the day ... but again, that isn't giving them a true picture of this guy.

They also know he is pretending...on both sides. It sucks for all of us. I just think we're on to it quicker because of our position in the triangle. That doesn't make us smarter, it just makes us onto him earlier that's all.

When people date, they spend time getting to know each other in various surroundings and during various events - family time, work things, parties, etc. OW for the most part aren't invited to Thanksgiving dinner, the 4th of July BBQ with the neighbors, etc. They are presented with a small window of the person. They aren't there day in and day out -- with all the stress life brings on a daily basis.

Very true. And for an OW who is new in the game I would admonish her to read the above over and over until it sank in. Good call FO.

The OP knows a side of the MM, a side the wife obviously doesn't know. A side that will upset and tear apart the wife, more than likely. These are men sneaking around on their wives, cheating on their families. I am not saying these are bad men, but their actions and behaviors are less than honorable and I would guess many of us with kids would NEVER want to see those behaviors and actions in our kids. We don't raise our kids to model that behavior.

Another excellent point! THIS is why lilagirl, if I may speak for her, was saying she'd like to offer a hug to the BW on Mother's Day. That is how I took it anyway.

Sorry for the T/J but I just had to state that I really don't believe that OW know the MM better than the wife. If I misunderstood your post, I am sorry.

I don't feel that all OW know the MM better than the BW. Certainly that can't be the case, at least not in most situations. I know my MM pretty darn well though and that he's shared things with me that would make Tiger Woods blush that he simply would never share with his BW but that is just our R and not the norm. Sometimes MM have true intimacy with an OW and others (although later, after remorse and reconciliaton) find true intimacy with their BW. I believe this is the case for Herenow if I'm allowed to post what I remember about her story.

 

Which brings up another thought. Maybe I'll start my own thread on it but if they did find true intimacy after his A, why wouldn't a BW be on here asking OW if they feel they have that with their MM and make suggestions accordingly such as trying to get him to leave his W, etc. Hmm, I'll think about that. t/j over.

 

So, FO, you're right. Not all OW truly know their MM as well as the W and I will add that not all W know their H as well as his OW does. Can we agree on that? Because all this really boils down to is that lilagirl offered a hug to those who don't really know what their guy is up to.

[fooled once]

OK, I'll bite. I'm always ready to hear another side...as long as it's with good intention.

 

So far, no argument. All true. The only thing you are assuming is that we don't know this but that's ok.

 

I think we all tend to assume things in a post and depending on each of our experiences, that is where we assume and how our thought process goes.

 

They also know he is pretending...on both sides. It sucks for all of us. I just think we're on to it quicker because of our position in the triangle. That doesn't make us smarter, it just makes us onto him earlier that's all.

 

Totally agree it sucks for all

 

Very true. And for an OW who is new in the game I would admonish her to read the above over and over until it sank in. Good call FO.

 

Another excellent point! THIS is why lilagirl, if I may speak for her, was saying she'd like to offer a hug to the BW on Mother's Day. That is how I took it anyway.

 

I don't feel that all OW know the MM better than the BW. Certainly that can't be the case, at least not in most situations. I know my MM pretty darn well though and that he's shared things with me that would make Tiger Woods blush that he simply would never share with his BW but that is just our R and not the norm. Sometimes MM have true intimacy with an OW and others (although later, after remorse and reconciliaton) find true intimacy with their BW. I believe this is the case for Herenow if I'm allowed to post what I remember about her story.

 

I know you don't feel that ALL OW know the MM better ((hug)). You are usually really great about not making generalizations, and in fact, it was a PM between us many months ago where we both did the "not all" lines and I remember it well

 

Of course, now you have me curious about the things xMM shared that would make Tiger Woods blush

 

I think many OW like to believe that the MM finds true intimacy with them. Heck, I was in an affair, I understand that feeling. But, now that I am years out of it, I realize that at the time, I NEEDED to believe that. I NEEDED to think that. Thankfully, for my situation, it has no bearing on anything in my life whether he did or didn't. Our relationship didn't work. Anytime a relationship brings you more loneliness than togetherness, for me, that means it isn't the right relationship. If the relationship brings more questions than answers, more sadness than joy, more anxiousness than ease, more hurt than happiness....for me, that means time to move on. I spent 2 years getting the lonely end of the stick and I never want to go through that again. I would rather be alone and lonely than in a relationship and lonely.

 

Which brings up another thought. Maybe I'll start my own thread on it but if they did find true intimacy after his A, why wouldn't a BW be on here asking OW if they feel they have that with their MM and make suggestions accordingly such as trying to get him to leave his W, etc. Hmm, I'll think about that. t/j over.

 

Not understanding your thoughts here.... are you saying a wife should ask OW if they feel have true intimacy with the MM, what are they doing to get the MM to leave the marriage? I don't think I am following...could be because it is Friday after a long hard work week and I haven't gotten all my strength back yet since my surgery

 

So, FO, you're right. Not all OW truly know their MM as well as the W and I will add that not all W know their H as well as his OW does. Can we agree on that? Because all this really boils down to is that lilagirl offered a hug to those who don't really know what their guy is up to.

 

We can totally agree on that WF! Totally!

[White Flower]

We can totally agree on that WF! Totally!

Very cool FO!