What would you do?

[spacysam]

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years this year.....we have been married for 5 years.

Recently our relationship has gone downhill, and we are currently sleeping in separate rooms.

When we first got together it was exciting and he was wonderful, I know the excitement doesn’t last but I don’t think our relationship is normal.

He does have an anger problem, and if he gets really angry can throw things, smash things, and sometimes throw me out of his way.

He has always said to me that he would like to try an open relationship, and I know over the years he has sent emails & messages to people on the internet....I’ve asked him to stop and he does for a while, but then he goes back.

We never seem to have any money (unless he wants something), he quit his job to start his own company (even though I didn’t think it was a good idea) and he currently spends most of this time watching day time TV.

I have been filling some time in the evenings by playing my playstation online with other people, and a few months ago I started playing with an American chap.

He was really friendly & I got a headset so we could communicate during the game and coordinate better.

We have been playing almost every night, and we clicked (not sure why as I wasn’t looking for anything) our friendship has grown & now we consider that we are more than friends.

So about 1 1/2 months ago I said to my hubby he can have his open relationship & that I could have a bit more fun with my American.

He loved it at first, as he could email & chat to whom ever he wanted, but he still wanted me to come to bed when he told me to & he wanted me to wake up when he said.

So I suggested moving into the other room, that way I can get up & go to bed when I like.

That was fine for a while, but then he said I was still keeping him awake & that he didn’t like me playing on my PS3 every night...he wanted me to do what he wanted even though the PS3 was the only fun I was having.

He has been very angry these past few weeks, demanding I stop what I’m doing and go back to doing what he wants...but since talking to this American I can see how women should be treated

He makes me watch the programs that he wants, but he won’t watch any of mine (if I want to watch something I have to do it when he’s asleep)

I feel like for the past 10 years I’ve done nothing but compromise, and he has just taken - I wish our relationship was an equal one, but I can now see it’s not.

So I don’t know what to do.... I know I don’t feel the same about him, I think I still love him but not as much as I used to. He’s controlling, he treats me like a child (even though I’m 3 years older than him!), he’s patronising & narcissistic

He only is nice when he wants to be

I’ve told him to get anger management help & he said he would if I stop telling my mum everything about our relationship (I have no one else to talk to about this)

If I leave him I will be on my own with my mum, I’ll be 30 in September and it scares the hell out of me..... I’m not sure if anything would happen with the American (mainly because he lives so far away) but I know I cant give him up.

Another thing that has bugged me is that I’ve been over weight all my life, I’ve tried so many diets I cant remember & I have tried to lose weight so many times.......I’ve tried just to be slimmer, I’ve tried for my wedding (I lost 3 stone but it was hell), I’ve even tried so we could have children but it never seemed to work

I am losing weight now, in fact I’ve lost 3 stone in the past 3 months......but doc asked me what changed in my life & the only thing that did was that I started talking to this American. Now alarm bells are ringing that in 10 years I could never lose weight just put more on with my husband, but now it’s just falling off because of this other guy.

So now I don’t know what to do, hubby has realised that me talking to other people hurts & he wants the open relationship to end.....he wants me to break all contact with my American & he says he wants to work on making me happy again.

When the American & I met it was very weird....he was about to go to bed but thought Id play 1 more game, that when he met me. I didn’t have a headset then but he could talk to me & I was new at the game. Normally he only plays 1 game with new people as he prefers to stick with more experienced people but he decided to give me another go.....by then I had my headset and we have been talking ever since.

We sometimes log on to play a game but we end up just chatting for hours, he makes me feel so happy like I’m full of sunshine, I get butterflies in my tummy when I think about him & he feels the same, he misses me when I’m not on, and he thinks about me all the time.

I’m not sure what to do, or what I want - I know I don’t want the relationship I currently have with my hubby, he says he’s going to change but I’ve heard it all before, he changes slightly and then before I know it we are back where we used to be.

Maybe him feeling how much it hurts will stop him talking to other people, but I don’t really want to give up the thing I have with the American, as it feels like it was fate we were supposed to meet, I also know that if he lived in this country I probably would have left already.

Hubby & I have a week’s holiday in June & his birthday is this month.....I’m reluctant to do anything before these have happened, but I just don’t know anymore

I have so many things going around in my head, he keeps asking me to move back in bed with him & he is trying to change, but then I have the American who is always so sweet and makes me feel fantastic, and I have exams coming up that I really need to study for.

I know hes trying like he took me out to lunch yesterday & got me some flowers but instead of me feeling warm & fuzzy at the whole thing like I normally would have done, I just felt it was nice…. Like I was having lunch with a friend, not my husband.

Its just such a mess and I thought maybe if someone else could just see this maybe they can help me make some sense of it all.

[You Go Girl]

All I can tell you is that internet relationships are fantasy. I "fell in love" on the internet 10 years ago. The reality of being with that man would be very different. So, one thing you do need to do is get grounded realistically on what this internet relationship is--fantasy. It's like porn for guys. There's little about it that is real.

Were you to meet and spend a month with the American, you would quickly find out who he really is--and it wouldn't be who he pretends to be online. People put their best image forward online--think about you and what you say to him--you don't tell him every little truth, and probably, have told a few whoppers. And as much as you think the two of you get along, there is no way to test that on the internet.

You're married. You know that living with someone day to day is not butterflies all day long. That's reality, and it would be reality no matter who you were with--this internet man, your H, or somebody else. The butterfly stage, although can last years, doesn't last forever.

So, the truth is, your fantasy life aside (and I do know how enticing it is) that your marriage, the real relationship you have, is suffering in many ways. This internet relationship only distracts you from your reality. It is probably painful to compare them. The marriage at this point I'm sure makes you depressed. But it is your only true reality.

You and your H need to go to counseling. I can see from the list of your grievances that he needs to grow up a lot.

But he has--finally--albeit rather late--realized that he cares for you. Now the work of finding out if you can grow together, grow up together, and find a happy place is just that--WORK.

All relationships are work. Doesn't matter who the man is, how terrific the butterflies were/are.

[Gunny376]

I posted to your SO's thread ~ so its only fair that I post to yours.

 

First off Internet fantasy is exactly that ~ FANTASY!

 

Open relationships? They just don't work ~ PERIOD!

 

I knew a guy in the Corps that liked to watch his wife have sex with other men. He was find with it, until she started going solo!

 

New Mexico and your being from England? You would melt! Texas in the summer is bad enough, Alabama? At the same thermostat as Hell. New Mexico?

 

This whole thing about a so called "open relationship"? They never ever work out! I mean never! OK, maybe .00000001% of the time.

 

The DH as you've described has anger management problems and needs professional help. And its only a matter of time before he begins to abuse you.

 

Look I'm a retired United States Marine on antidepressants and anxiety drugs seeing a psychologist for depression, anxiety, post-traumatic-stress-syndrome, and survivors guilt.

 

I'm not going off on people, punching holes through doors nor walls, throwing things at people. (OK granted before I got on the meds? I wanted to ~ but didn't)

 

Best thing for you you to do is break it off with New Mexico, get some counseling for your gaming addiction, and move back in with Mom. Meanwhile BF does the same ~ get some IC and some anger management counseling, get off of the dope, get a steady job, learn how to be a responsible adult.

 

Then take it from there!