Would you change your beliefs for the right partner?

[asrgal]

My bf and I have been together 4 years, in a serious relationship, both of us a divorced with children and we are very involved with each other families.

Marriage is important to me, and I love to have more children with him.

He on the other hand says children be good with me but he could go without as well, and end of the conversation, he also is not sure about marriage he needs to resolve things and just wants to wait and see.

 

He is very involved in his career and on the top right now and I have a very good job as well.

 

Anyhow I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's and I really feel the clock ticking. As more time goes by I feel as he only says things to me so I get quiet and stop talking about family life.

I am starting to wonder if I need to reconsider my beliefs and maybe pursue a career and give up on the family hopes I have.

Is that the right thing to do? Or would I just be unhappy for the rest of my life, because deep down I really want something else?

He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but this is becoming a huge issue for me, and I don't know how to approach this in a healthy way for both of us.

 

Any advice? Anyone with the same experience, what worked for you?

Edited May 10, 2010 by asrgal
spelling

[witabix]

My bf and I have been together 4 years, in a serious relationship, both of us a divorced with children and we are very involved with each other families.

Marriage is important to me, and I love to have more children with him.

He on the other hand says children be good with me but he could go without as well, and end of the conversation, he also is not sure about marriage he needs to resolve things and just wants to wait and see.

 

He is very involved in his career and on the top right now and I have a very good job as well.

 

Anyhow I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's and I really feel the clock ticking. As more time goes by I feel as he only says things to me so I get quiet and stop talking about family life.

I am starting to wonder if I need to reconsider my beliefs and maybe pursue a career and give up on the family hopes I have.

Is that the right thing to do? Or would I just be unhappy for the rest of my life, because deep down I really want something else?

He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but this is becoming a huge issue for me, and I don't know how to approach this in a healthy way for both of us.

 

Any advice? Anyone with the same experience, what worked for you?

 

Haven't had the same experience.

 

This seems like a big deal, wanting kids vs not wanting kids.

 

I can see how its causing you grief. You need to weigh up being with him and wanting more family. He may change his mind in the future, you are in your 30's not your 40's. Women have children later all the time.

 

To answer the question in the title of your post. I think I would find it very hard to change my beliefs for some one else. Too ingrained, part of me. Unless I had good objective evidence to change them.

[xxoo]

I think it depends on the belief, and on the partner.

 

Sometimes the right partner inspires you to a new belief. You meet someone and see possibilities you never saw before, and grow and change with that person. So, yes, many of my beliefs have changed because of the partner I have, and vice versa.

 

But other beliefs are part of who you fundamentally are, and to try to change these beliefs for another person will only end in mutual misery.

 

Only you can determine where you desires for marriage and more children fall. How happy are you right now in the life you share with this man?

[SummerLady]

My bf and I have been together 4 years, in a serious relationship, both of us a divorced with children and we are very involved with each other families.

Marriage is important to me, and I love to have more children with him.

He on the other hand says children be good with me but he could go without as well, and end of the conversation, he also is not sure about marriage he needs to resolve things and just wants to wait and see.

 

He is very involved in his career and on the top right now and I have a very good job as well.

 

Anyhow I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's and I really feel the clock ticking. As more time goes by I feel as he only says things to me so I get quiet and stop talking about family life.

I am starting to wonder if I need to reconsider my beliefs and maybe pursue a career and give up on the family hopes I have.

Is that the right thing to do? Or would I just be unhappy for the rest of my life, because deep down I really want something else?

He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but this is becoming a huge issue for me, and I don't know how to approach this in a healthy way for both of us.

 

Any advice? Anyone with the same experience, what worked for you?

 

 

I am divorced with children -my SO is divorced with children. I don't mean to sound cold but reading your post made me feel tired. You have kids, he has kids and you want more kids? I love my kids but I have enough on my plate with being divorced with kids, I could not imagine more kid or kids really. Not sure if that is how he feels, that is how I feel. I love the IDEA of having kids with him, it would be really great to see a kid that would be ours but I am done having kids, I am also in my 30's but enough is enough. I just want for us to raise our kids together and move on with my life. Not sure if that makes sense to you...

[califnan]

My bf and I have been together 4 years, in a serious relationship, both of us a divorced with children and we are very involved with each other families.

Marriage is important to me, and I love to have more children with him.

He on the other hand says children be good with me but he could go without as well, and end of the conversation, he also is not sure about marriage he needs to resolve things and just wants to wait and see.

 

He is very involved in his career and on the top right now and I have a very good job as well.

 

Anyhow I am in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's and I really feel the clock ticking. As more time goes by I feel as he only says things to me so I get quiet and stop talking about family life.

I am starting to wonder if I need to reconsider my beliefs and maybe pursue a career and give up on the family hopes I have.

Is that the right thing to do? Or would I just be unhappy for the rest of my life, because deep down I really want something else?

He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but this is becoming a huge issue for me, and I don't know how to approach this in a healthy way for both of us.

 

Any advice? Anyone with the same experience, what worked for you?

 

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Four years is about enough for any man to have the benefits of marriage, while not making a committment.

 

I feel for you that you wish to spend the rest of your life with him.. And it seems that however you force the issue - it could work against your wishes..

 

When you are ready to seriously consider your future, you should set a date, and be prepared to walk away - if need be ..

[ADF]

When I saw the title of your post, I thought "beliefs" referred to religion or politics or something of that sort. However, your case is even more familiar.

 

Frankly, a man in his early 40s who waffles about marriage and children is probably a man who doesn't want to get married or have children. Ever. You've given him plenty of time. You need to press this issue and get a straight answer. If you don't things will likely just drift along as they already have.

[You Go Girl]

Well I'm in my mid 40's. Only had one child and always wanted two. It's a little late now...and I regret it.

You only get one life--decide how important it is for YOU to have another child, regardless of WHO the spouse is, would be.

Marriage is another issue, just as serious imho. If he won't jump into the frying pan of marriage, he's not going to consider children.

The question seems to be do you leave him to find a man who would want another child and be married, or do you keep him, give up having more children, perhaps give up the idea of being married, and pursue your career?

Only you can decide if he is more important to you than being married and having another child.

The toughest decisions in life aren't between good and bad--that's easy. The toughest decisions are between good and good.

BTW--you should check out fertility charts. You are right on the point of the severe downward slide over the next 5 years.

 

I read my post and it appears as if I advocate leaving him. That's not true really, what I suggest you do is go for what you want out of life--what YOU want as an individual.

Different possible futures--busy with career, with this man, no more children, free to travel, etc.

or--busy with career, you and he break up for whatever reason, no more children.

or--he decides that he wants kids too, and marries you--

or--you leave him, find a man who wants marriage and more children, career may take a back seat.

Pick ONLY ONE, there's no parallel universes in one lifetime.