DesperateHusband Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 My wife and I are both 31 years old and we are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary in 3 days. We were high school sweethearts. We have three children, a 7 year old and a set of 3 year old twins. She is a full time stay at home mother. A few days ago my wife told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. She says she still loves me like a best friend and that she will always want me in her life. She said that we have a great relationship, which we do. We never fight, we take care of each other, we know each other's secrets. This past year has been the hardest year of our lives. Her father got sick and spent six months in the hospital. When he got out, we had an addition built and he moved in with us. A few months after he moved in, he died unexpectedly. We have also been dealing with a reduction in my income due to the economy. And for the past six months, my employer has been making me work six days a week. We are also currently being sued by a credit card company that we had to stop paying due to a lack of income. My wife battled depression for years. I knew it and I tried getting her to go see a doctor a few years ago but she never went. After her father died, she finally went and has been taking anti-depressants. They have made a huge difference. She is getting back to the woman I originally fell in love with. Unfortunately, about five years ago I did sleep with another woman one time and my wife found out. I went to counseling for it and she came to a few sessions. She said she forgave me for it. Believe me, i would do anything to go back and not make that mistake again. And she knows that. Last week she told me that she didn't love me like a husband. She told me she felt hollow inside. She told me she wanted her independance and freedom. I do not think there is another person. She has told me there isn't. She told me she wants to know what it's like to be alone. She told me she feels trapped. She told me she has felt this way for a few years now. She has been fighting the feelings and trying to make them go away but sh can't fight them any more. I have never prevented her from doing anything. I support her in everything she does. I help out around the house as much as I can. I enjoy it. I think she's making a mistake and have told her so. She says a part of her left the marriage years ago. She has agreed to go to counseling but she told me she was only doing it for my benefit. She doesn't believe this marriage can be saved because she has felt this way for so long. She told me she doesn't like to hug me or kiss me. She hasn't enjoyed sex in a long time and has faked it to keep me happy. I have told her many times that if ever didn't want to have sex then let me know. But she said she did it because she didn't want to hurt me. I need help. Is there anything I can do to save this marriage? I would do anything. She was the woman of my dreams and she still is. I still love her more than anything else. I'm glad we are going to counseling, but I feel as though she has already made her mind up. I do not want this marriage to end. I do not want to put our children through a divorce. I feel as though we can work through this. I think it would be a mistake to split up, but I think she is thinking that is the only solution to how she is feeling. I am a mess. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. I am on an emotional roller coaster. Is there anything I can do to make her love me again?
reboot Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 What did you do to make her fall in love with you the first time? Do it again. Stop treating her like a wife and mother. Treat her like a high school sweetheart. That said, keep your eyes wide open. Just because she says there's no one else doesn't mean there isn't. They ALWAYS say there isn't. And if there is, nothing you do will bring her back till that someone else is gone.
just_some_guy Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Being that I'm on the other side from you of a similar equation, this is my perspective: The one thing that might save it is to let go. Step back, put the focus on yourself for a while, work on any issues you might have, get yourself into a physically and mentally healthy place. No begging her to come back, no desperate phone calls or emails. When you communicate, keep it about necessary business with your children, finances, whatever. Letting go requires overcoming fear, and fear often leads to controlling, which often happens without our even realizing it. When things become controlling, the other usually wants to escape. It sounds like she's growing and healing long-term wounds. She needs the room to grow. You have to give her that room. She may not come back, just accept it. The best shot at overcoming is letting her go and if she comes back, she will come back on her own.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Hey Desperate..My wife of 17 yrs told me the same thing 2 1/2 months ago..we have 2 daughters 9 and 11..caught me off guard when she moved into her own place 2 blocks from where I work...I tried to get her to hold off a few months but that drove her to leaving even sooner..once a woman has made the decision to go she just isn't thinking about leaving anymore she has already left..it sucks..the hurt,anger,resentment,bitterness,guilt and any other emotion you can think of will come to the surface..good days followed by bad..asking how could I not see it..asking why..all valid questions and emotions but her reasons valid or not are valid to her and you are not going to change that..like was stated before..let her see if it's really what she wants..women turn on those closest to them as reasons for being unhappy..it might be and it might not..only time will tell..hang in there because it really sucks!!..and there are no shortcuts.
TerryV Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Hi there, I can sympathise to a point, have just joined. My wife ended our 14 month marriage 4 months ago now and I am devestated, she said similar things to me, she felt trapped, controlled owned. I did the worst thing I hounded her begged her and it made it worse. Its the hardest thing to do but there is nothing than can be done if she has made up her mind. In hindsight I wish I would have given more time and space, I rushed my wife and she snapped and ended it totally rather than being friends to see how things go. All I can say as hard as it is be as patient as u can and lean on ur family and friends for support. Best wishes.
pedro1 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Been there done that, samething happened to me in feb. Still going through the emotions. All I can say is do a 180 I didn't and it pushed her away even more and faster, there is no reasoning with them at all. Do the 180 mostly for yourself. I wish I had a magic pill or find the switch to change her for you but nobody has ever found it. Hang in there your in for a wild ride, a rollercoaster from hell, some days you think your doing good then Bam another emotion kicks in. All I can say is take care of yourself and the kids you can't change anyone but yourself.
sumdude Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 (edited) You received the old standard issue "I love you but I'm not in love with you." speech. This means - I'm done with our relationship and I don't desire you that way anymore. In fact I'm already either strongly considering, am actively pursuing or am already involved with something/someone new. I'm feeling a little guilty but I'm going to deflect that guilt by saying some nice things about you while i tear your heart out because I know the truth would hurt more than this confusing babble coming out of my mouth, Once a woman gets to this point there is very, very little chance she will change her mind. DESPERATE-H, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Everything she is saying tells me it's time to let her go. You have to accept this.Work on your own life whatever she does is fine with you even if you don't feel that way act that way. The more you try the faster she'll run.. but chances are the writing is probably on the wall. You have to get strong and set boundaries of what you'll put up with from her now. IIOW? She's now on her own, don't do anything for her, iin fact all your conversations at this point should only involve the kids. Ouch, know it hurts. Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt. Edited May 10, 2010 by sumdude
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Unless you both decided at the exact same time to want to be apart, being 'just friends' will not work...screw that...she let you down not the other way around..you have kids man!..you would have never left them in this situation..you are the STRONGER MAN..and in time you will look back and say."what was all the fuss about?"..at least that's what I'm hoping I'll say.
stillafool Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Desperate Husband does she want to take the kids with her?
hopesndreams Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I am a mess. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. I am on an emotional roller coaster. Is there anything I can do to make her love me again? That's how your W felt 5 years ago when you slept with another woman. What work was done after she found out you cheated?
Steadfast Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 The one thing that might save it is to let go. Step back, put the focus on yourself for a while, work on any issues you might have, get yourself into a physically and mentally healthy place. No begging her to come back, no desperate phone calls or emails. When you communicate, keep it about necessary business with your children, finances, whatever. Letting go requires overcoming fear, and fear often leads to controlling, which often happens without our even realizing it. When things become controlling, the other usually wants to escape. It sounds like she's growing and healing long-term wounds. She needs the room to grow. You have to give her that room. She may not come back, just accept it. The best shot at overcoming is letting her go and if she comes back, she will come back on her own. Highlight this message, put it in a Word doc (or whatever) then print it out and put it in your pocket. Better yet, laminate it. Everytime you're tempted to convince/lecture/persuade her of something or find yourself weakening, take it out and read it. Live it. Believe me, it's the best advice you'll get.
trippi1432 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 (edited) I will most likely be hated here....but while you are in hiatus....figure out why you cheated on what you deemed a perfect wife. I'm sorry, but what about this do you men not see?? Women forgive but we do not forget....when it was once about you....it can be about us....a shallow tit for tat.....but sometimes a woman will hold out longer and try harder to make it work than a man will. (Hiding) Edited May 10, 2010 by trippi1432
trippi1432 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I am a mess. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. I am on an emotional roller coaster. Is there anything I can do to make her love me again? That's how your W felt 5 years ago when you slept with another woman. What work was done after she found out you cheated? Sorry.....You go H&D :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: Damn...that's excessive isn't it? LOL!!
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 It's different for a guy when his gal CHEATS..A guy pictures his lady laying down spreading then accepting another man inside..he'll never get that image out of his head..NEVER!!
karnak Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I will most likely be hated here....but while you are in hiatus....figure out why you cheated on what you deemed a perfect wife. I'm sorry, but what about this do you men not see?? Women forgive but we do not forget....when it was once about you....it can be about us....a shallow tit for tat.....but sometimes a woman will hold out longer and try harder to make it work than a man will. I am a man. And I think you're right.
karnak Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 That's how your W felt 5 years ago when you slept with another woman. What work was done after she found out you cheated? You're right too.
trippi1432 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 It's different for a guy when his gal CHEATS..A guy pictures his lady laying down spreading then accepting another man inside..he'll never get that image out of his head..NEVER!! Sorry....I'm really trying to get to your side....I really am.....*closing eyes tight* seeing the penis I have known for 15 years beating the hell out of the lady laying down spreading then him putting his dick in her vagina...you're f*ing right...so much harder for you men...a dick is just another dick.
trippi1432 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 It's ok dadoftwogirls...welcome...many lessons to learn for you I see. Keep reading, you may learn much.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 OKay dude, This sucks, but I can tell you that she is either testing you or is really done. I think it is a test (I am not saying that she is manipulating you but I know that when I say feelings like that there is something else that I want to hear. Often I don't even realize it). She is hoping for something, she is hoping you value her as a partner, otherwise she would already be planning the great escape. She doesn't like sex with you? She only does it to make you happy? I call BS, there is something she isn't satisfied with, very rarely will a woman have sex for years that she isn't happy with and tolerate it blindly, willingly. There is something in your attitude that she wants to see change. I think that little patch of adultery there is part of the key. Knowing you can step out kills a lot of the innocence of a relationship whether or not you would want to take it back at this point. You have been together for awhile and she doesn't think she is special to you anymore, or that she is special to you in a friend way. To the one that said treat her like high school sweethearts again, he is exactly right. But as for the sexual stuff, this article seems to sum up female sexuality the best, I gave it to my husband to read and well, he used it to pick up other women. But it is true, if a woman is in a long-term relationship she figures that you pick her because you are trapped or that she's your "best friend." Women NEED TO FEEL ATTRACTIVE, there is simply no way to ask for this. If the relationship is great and the friendship is there and she isn't into you, then the passion is lacking, it isn't about technique, it is about attitude, you need to let her know you are choosing her because of how irrationally attracted you are to her and that you want to give her pleasure in bed. You want to give her pleasure in bed because it really does something for you. The love stuff is an easier fix for women then the bedroom stuff. http://www.nhne.org/news/NewsArticlesArchive/tabid/400/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/5453/language/en-US/What-Turns-Women-On.aspx Plus her father passing away and your job and financial issues put a ton of strain on even a great marriage. But I guarantee you the crux of this is the sex and intimacy.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 It's different for a guy when his gal CHEATS..A guy pictures his lady laying down spreading then accepting another man inside..he'll never get that image out of his head..NEVER!! Are you frigging kidding me?!?!? I will never be over my husband's BS. Sometimes I even imagine the possibilities!! I often wonder if cheating even actually bothers you GUYS??? Seriously, with all of the strip clubs and porn made for guys, I wonder how guys can act like cheating is a problem????? How could it not be more of a problem for women, we are often the ones who want to get married and settle down with just one guy forever and be in love and have wonderful sex and know we are special?? How can you say that cheating is worse for YOU?!?!?! Even after a spouse commits infidelity the guys are way more likely to dump their SO then girls are. Why? they just go and get another girl, *blink* -- replaced. My God what a dumb thing to say. My husband's cheating ripped apart my life, it slowed my schooling, put me into a deep depression, I didn't even want to raise my daughter for awhile because I figured she wouldn't want some loser mother like me. It made me a refugee in my own life, I had no say in mu marriage except to maybe leave it, there actually isn't a single part of my life and mind that my husband's cheating didn't affect. From what I can tell, at least you guys can compartmentalize, just move on and get over it. Sorry if you guys do get hurt over the cheating but to say it affects you worse just blows my mind.
Gunny376 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Mind you this is coming a 20+ year career Marine. For the better part of my life? You wouldn't and couldn't force, make me go nor drag me anywhere near a psych of any kind. I was John Wayne, suck it up and deal with it! Fifteen years later after retiring? I got to where I would go days upon sleep. When I did? I tossed and turned all night long. I sleep like a baby waking up every two or three hours. I tried everything! Tylenol PM, Melatonin, but mostly I self medicated with alcohol just to sleep. I wasn't going into work drunk, but hung over enough to where I was making mistakes. When you work in a lab? There's a big difference between a .001 and a .0017. There's a big difference between a <.0001 and a .001 There's a Hugh difference when you ship out a load of lead worth $50,000 per truck load and it gets rejected because you wrote up the certification as .0017 instead of .001. The thousands of dollars it cost to ship it back to the company ~ at the company's expense of shipping it there and back. There's the wear and tear on the truck, the trailer, the load, the cost of paying the driver, loading, and un-loading. Now mind you? Each pot of lead produces around 110 bundles. Each truck load? Is only about 15 to 20 bundles? We're basically talking about a half a million dollars per pot ~ and there are eight pots. My point in telling you this? I had problems. Problems with the whole twenty-years in the Marine Corps, losing contact and becoming alienated to and with them because of my XHEX manipulations, her throwing me under the bus with the IRS, debt collectors, bill collectors, bankruptcy yada~yada! My boss was a hair width away from firing me ~ because I wrote a certification form up as a .0017 ~ which made it a .0020 ~ using the rule of five. I begged for my job. I told him I would get help. I signed up with a pyscholgist that I've missed an appointment with and my Primary Care Physician (actually a PA) Primarly becuase the medication they've got me on (Anti-depressents and Anxiety Meds) made me constipated and all I want to do is sleep. Which is why I'm suppose to see my pyscholgist and PCP every two weeks, ~ I need an adjustment in the doesage. All of that to say. You need to see a psycholgist and a PMCP in conjunction. The anti-anxiety drugs have worked great. I'm more focused, concentrated, settled. happier ~ and back to being more than 90+ % than I have been in years! I sleep deeper and albiet longer ~ than I have in years! My dependenc y has dropped a good 98%! My job perforance has increassed 110%. I calmer, have slowed down, less stressed than I have been in years! I no longer sleep restless dreams about Beruit, nor Rwanda, Kuwait, Sauida Arabia, .......................................... Cut yourself some slack Bro and go see someone!
Gunny376 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Are you frigging kidding me?!?!? I will never be over my husband's BS. Sometimes I even imagine the possibilities!! I often wonder if cheating even actually bothers you GUYS??? Seriously, with all of the strip clubs and porn made for guys, I wonder how guys can act like cheating is a problem????? How could it not be more of a problem for women, we are often the ones who want to get married and settle down with just one guy forever and be in love and have wonderful sex and know we are special?? How can you say that cheating is worse for YOU?!?!?! Even after a spouse commits infidelity the guys are way more likely to dump their SO then girls are. Why? they just go and get another girl, *blink* -- replaced. My God what a dumb thing to say. My husband's cheating ripped apart my life, it slowed my schooling, put me into a deep depression, I didn't even want to raise my daughter for awhile because I figured she wouldn't want some loser mother like me. It made me a refugee in my own life, I had no say in mu marriage except to maybe leave it, there actually isn't a single part of my life and mind that my husband's cheating didn't affect. From what I can tell, at least you guys can compartmentalize, just move on and get over it. Sorry if you guys do get hurt over the cheating but to say it affects you worse just blows my mind. I'm with you on this one! Last year over 12 million American contracted an STD. Granted most are curable with anti-biotics. Thing is? Half of them didn't even know they had them! Me? When it comes to sex? I'm all about "threesomes!" ME! HER! And an MD!
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Okay,okay...Trippi..I learned another lesson:o..that's why I came into these forums..to shed some light on my attitude and hopefully change someday:)
Steadfast Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My GF's ex cheated on her, and although I realize that men and women process emotions differently, I relate very well to the emotions she's shared about that time. Betrayal is betrayal, not matter what. It's a universal pain. When I was in my 30s, my dad told me he had an affair when I was about five-years old. Her husband was in the military and she was young, beautiful and lonely. Add in vulnerable. Dad told me she made him feel young, sexy and alive. It was exciting. In the end, he weighed out his options and asked mom to forgive him. She did, but insisted on relocating to the other side of the country. He agreed. They had been married 63 years when he passed away. He was very aware of the pain he'd caused her and many, many years later was still dealing with guilt. But mom loved him, forgave him and took very good care of him right up to the end. Now that he's gone she's lost. Troubling sexual visions and cheating are hard things to deal with, but even they fade in the long run. To truly recover and move on both sides must want it more than anything. Sadly, society is instilling a sense of entitlement and selfishness in people that makes this occurrence rare. More's the pity-
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