My boyfriend and I both have kids, and we disagree on parenting...

[LovieDove24]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months, love each other very much and have discussed marriage in the future. We both have our own children: I have a two year old daughter and he has a four year old girl. For the most part we get along great but when it comes to parenting and discipline we have quite a few fights. For instance,

• He lets his four year old watch several movies a day, lets her play video games and also lets her watch the Simpsons. I, on the other hand, think so much time in front of the television is inappropriate.
  
• He has terrible eating habits himself and doesn't encourage his daughter to try the healthy stuff (because he doesn't like it) and all she ever eats is carbs, meat and cheese. She also only drinks juice...won't touch milk or water, I know this is because he always offers juice as the first option.
  
• My daughter is going through some serious terrible two's stuff and has even started smacking me. I have been disciplining calmly and using time outs, but he believes I need to pinch or spank.
  
• He says I let my daughter get away with too much and that I should be more of a disciplinarian.
  

As you can see, its causing quite a problem. I also think (whether we want to admit it or not) that we both favor our own child more at this point--its only natural. This adds an extra tension that I don't think many married couples with children have to experience. We both feel like we have to defend BOTH 1) our own child and 2) our parenting styles. This is stressful! Any help?

[jackson30]

Wow, good luck. I'm sorry I have no advice, my wife and I had enough fights raising our kids about how to do it, and they were our own kids. I can't imagine how much worse it would be with kids vs step-kids.

 

I would say you two have to figure out something quick, really quick or it's just going to get worse and worse until you split up.

[Kenyth]

Will he agree to listen to the professionals? If he doesn't respect them, then there isn't going to be much you can do. People who believe they are right above all else are very hard to convince otherwise. If he will, then you should both sit down and watch "Super Nanny", or read the books. Very good stuff.

[LovieDove24]

I dunno though. Am I really the 'right' one here? I suppose that depends on which one of us you talk to. Certainly I only portrayed my side of the story here. Of course I think I am right on the Tv watching and nutrition thing, but is my no spanking rule necessarily right??? Depends on who you'd ask.

 

I appreciate the input so far. I'd like to hear some more opinions...especially those coming from people who were in blended families.

[Enema]

I think that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

 

In other words, it's certainly plausible that both of your parenting styles are fine. You both have a lack of respect for each other and each others ideas.

 

Deal with that and work out how to realize your way isn't the "only" way and it might get easier.

[tigereyes1428]

i am from and have a blended family - smacking is wrong end of - its what you do when you have lost control and dont have the confidence to follow through with time out or ignoring the bad behaviour, all toddlers smack etc - get down to her level, eye contact tell her NO you do not hit, and turn her away from you, time out or whatever you choose.

 

however instead of critising the nutrition thing how about making super smoothies with his daughter that she can help with and may begin to like and the same with food - get her interested in helping you prepare the meals - what foods do you think she is missing out on? while its great to defend your child and techniques - this is not a war and perhaps you can both learn from each other here -

[slatka_sarah]

Hi Lovie! My husband and I have a 1 year old, and we are on COMPLETE opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. I raise my son the way I was raised, and he wants him to be raised the way he was, which is also completely natural and undersandable.

 

I think the most important thing for you and your SO right now are to at least try 'n find a happy middle. Maybe sit down together and make a list of reprocussions you both advocate to your children. Look at the differences, and try to see where you can maybe make adjustments, or simply discuss why you feel the way you do. I honestly don't think it'd be all that different if you were married and had those 2 children together. You'd parent them one way when you were alone w/them, and he would parent them his way.

 

Keep us posted

[Savanna-O]

I have the same problem too, so I hear ya. I have a 7 y/o from my previous relationship and we both have a toddler together, he feels I'm far too soft on my eldest daughter and it causes a lot of friction between us. I can admit to being overly soft, its just my nature.. and that clashes with his nature because he looks at the bigger picture, ok she's a kid right now.. if you can't control her at 7, what chance are you going to have when she hits her teens? so I totally see his point.. he's just trying to make things easier for us in the long run.

 

But to my point, I do think that it's natural to favor your own.. he seems to have way more patience with our toddler and when I bring him up on it, he claims it is because she is so young, but im not convinced. For eg, she is a nightmare right now, but he still has all the patience in the world with her, I think that if he wasnt the biological father, he'd be like.. ugh.. what a brat! you have defo more patience with ur own.

 

It's not an easy situation to be in, and it really does just depend on what kind of guy he is.. although I would like my hubby to have more patience, I know I'm very lucky to have him, he really cares and wants the best for my daughter, we just have different ways of parenting and that's all it could be with you guys.

 

I think compromise is the key tbh.. but it has to be from both sides. So sit down and discuss what you would like to change about one anothers parenting skills and see if you can reach a middle ground, that's what we have learned to do and so far it's workin out good- good luck xxx

[Clep]

I would go to a couple of parenting courses together and allow both of your perspectives to be challenged. We raise our child much like you raise yours however and I have been to numerous courses. I believe they would lean towards your style of parenting to produce the long term desired results that bring about productive citizens.

 

Would he, or you both be willing to learn some other views from a course and the other parents in it.

[Eve]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine months, love each other very much and have discussed marriage in the future. We both have our own children: I have a two year old daughter and he has a four year old girl. For the most part we get along great but when it comes to parenting and discipline we have quite a few fights. For instance,

• He lets his four year old watch several movies a day, lets her play video games and also lets her watch the Simpsons. I, on the other hand, think so much time in front of the television is inappropriate.
  
• He has terrible eating habits himself and doesn't encourage his daughter to try the healthy stuff (because he doesn't like it) and all she ever eats is carbs, meat and cheese. She also only drinks juice...won't touch milk or water, I know this is because he always offers juice as the first option.
  
• My daughter is going through some serious terrible two's stuff and has even started smacking me. I have been disciplining calmly and using time outs, but he believes I need to pinch or spank.
  
• He says I let my daughter get away with too much and that I should be more of a disciplinarian.
  

As you can see, its causing quite a problem. I also think (whether we want to admit it or not) that we both favor our own child more at this point--its only natural. This adds an extra tension that I don't think many married couples with children have to experience. We both feel like we have to defend BOTH 1) our own child and 2) our parenting styles. This is stressful! Any help?

 

OP, I have never heard of pinching being used as a form disciplining.. thats scary.

 

Dunno.. I would concentrate on how the two girls get on as the most important thing. Thats been our focus as parents within a reconstituted family. We dont have that many rules as civility and respect seems to be our main guide.

 

We opted to allow the natural parent to be the enforcer of any discipline issues but made sure that all of the children have equal access to everything but within rules that we ironed out together. This has included the smacking issue. Over time these rules have become modified but the main element is that each child is treated as an individual and not clumped together and that our reactions are genuine and relevant to the situation.

 

A parenting class would be a marvelous help to decide what joint reactions you could take on but I think it important that each child still have access to what they know as their natural parents reaction... (obviously as long as this is not abusive)

 

Just dont be one of those parents that suddenly stops being (at the core) the mum or dad that the child has always known because of a new partner..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[brainygirl]

Wow, that's a hard one. My general attitude is don't do or say a thing to my kid without my permission. But I also have a "when in my house follow my rules" with visiting kids and kids I babysit.

 

You guys need to sit down when the kids are in bed or out of the house and you are calm and negotiate some ground rules that will apply to both kids.

[turnera]

Sign the two of you up for a parenting class. If you're in the US, go to United Way and they should be able to help you find them. Take the class together; let the experts tell him that he's screwing up his daughter.

[carhill]

A professional would want to hear *both* sides, as opposed to a singular perception of both sides. Hope you and he make use of one. Get some PMC while you're at it. From what I'm reading, you'll need it. Good luck