How do I use the info I have to get my wife to own up to her A?

[sruben]

Okay, the thread title was suggested by another poster, but puts in words quite well the question in my heart -- although I do not want to suspect my wife of having had what was at least an EA last summer, having looked over the facts (such as they are) that I've uncovered in that time (and I've never found a "smoking gun" that I know of), how do I use this information to get my wife to confess? It is not my intention to leave her when she does -- I would if I discovered that she was a serial cheater, but if this was an isolated event, I believe I could forgive and we could move ahead in our marriage by determining how we could prevent it from happening again.

 

So, to the other BH's here, I'd like to ask: What worked for you? How did you get your WW to confess?

 

When I tried to confront her with only a couple of things I had at the time, we fought, she denied, she cried that I didn't love her because I didn't believe her (I now realize this was probably gaslighting), and ultimately insisted I let it go if I wanted things to get better. But her language has always been like half-truths. I'm certain she lied (covering her mouth) when she told me she's never been even fascinated with anyone else since we got married.

 

We've been getting along better the last few months, and sometimes I think I should just let it go, but the when she told me that she wanted separate finances and is direct depositing her paychecks to her own separate account (a unilateral decision on her part, with no discussion or warning prior to her doing it), red flags started going up again. I can see how she's creating an environment where she could more easily have an affair and hide it.

 

Any pointers on ways to approach this would be greatly appreaciated.

[DadofTwoGirls]

A woman will probably take it to her grave if she has scruples anyway..if it smells like crap:(..well you get the picture...an EA is just as bad as a PA in my book..I'm pretty sure most guys think 'no way,not my girl' but alas:eek:..sorry dude..sucks!

[Darth Vader]

Okay, the thread title was suggested by another poster, but puts in words quite well the question in my heart -- although I do not want to suspect my wife of having had what was at least an EA last summer, having looked over the facts (such as they are) that I've uncovered in that time (and I've never found a "smoking gun" that I know of), how do I use this information to get my wife to confess? It is not my intention to leave her when she does -- I would if I discovered that she was a serial cheater, but if this was an isolated event, I believe I could forgive and we could move ahead in our marriage by determining how we could prevent it from happening again.

 

So, to the other BH's here, I'd like to ask: What worked for you? How did you get your WW to confess?

 

When I tried to confront her with only a couple of things I had at the time, we fought, she denied, she cried that I didn't love her because I didn't believe her (I now realize this was probably gaslighting), and ultimately insisted I let it go if I wanted things to get better. But her language has always been like half-truths. I'm certain she lied (covering her mouth) when she told me she's never been even fascinated with anyone else since we got married.

 

We've been getting along better the last few months, and sometimes I think I should just let it go, but the when she told me that she wanted separate finances and is direct depositing her paychecks to her own separate account (a unilateral decision on her part, with no discussion or warning prior to her doing it), red flags started going up again. I can see how she's creating an environment where she could more easily have an affair and hide it.

 

Any pointers on ways to approach this would be greatly appreaciated.

 

 

You could lie to her and say you have photographs! Ok, actually I'm kidding about that:rolleyes:, but, well, I'm not saying that it couldn't work....... But, very risky! What if she wanted to see them............

 

Anyway, what kind of proof do you have? Other than the separate accounts? I agree though, Red Flags!

[Green]

Finding a smoking gun or getting her to admit it arn't necesarily in the realm of posibility. If you have proof in your mind that should be good enough for you. Like if you saw a txt that she denied or what ever consider that your smoking gun... Don't expect pictures and a video of her cheating unless you hire a PI.

[jane-mary]

IMHO, I don't think you should say anything unless you're really sure because, if she's not having an affair, she'll feel very hurt and you might put it in a her mind to do so since you've already asked her and she said no. Also, if you don't have real evidence and she's really having the affair, she'll just cover her tracks more. Just be careful here, it hurts to be accused of something you didn't do.

[redmelon]

what is her reason for this new separate account? what did she say?

[Just a stone's throw]

IMHO, I don't think you should say anything unless you're really sure because, if she's not having an affair, she'll feel very hurt and you might put it in a her mind to do so since you've already asked her and she said no. Also, if you don't have real evidence and she's really having the affair, she'll just cover her tracks more. Just be careful here, it hurts to be accused of something you didn't do.

 

Sruben, there is something to this. My husband was a jealous man (recall I didn't cheat until we had been married 20+ years) but since we were young in our marriage he has always "teased" me about cheating, or running off with some good looking guy or looking at some guy in some way (b/c that guy was evidently checking me out but I didn't notice) and I always blew this off. It used to piss me off because I was very committed to him and didn't want to end up like my parents. I'm not saying it's a self-fulfilling prophesy but if she's not actually cheating (which from your descriptions would be hard to buy) then that really would hurt to be wrongly accused. If nothing else, she's depressed, I think you see that. Normal, healthy women just don't go from happy to tears and back again like that at her age without a medical reason. Unless there is an emotional reason. I think I'm confusing things more. Sorry.

[sruben]

what is her reason for this new separate account? what did she say?

 

Long story, I'll try to recount: Last summer I suspected her of an affair, but didn't say anything. I'd been putting in about $26K in her checking account for "discretionary spending and saving" over 4 years. When I asked to see it, she got really cagey. Come to find out, $24K of it was gone, basically nothing saved, and nothing really to show for it (I don't see $24K of stuff here). She accused me of being a control freak, screaming at me at the top of her lungs. Later, when we were calmer, I offered to let her take care of all her finances if she really thought I was a control freak. She recanted, said she was the control freak, and after a couple of days, said she didn't want separate finances, that she wanted to leave everything the way it had been (we've been married 8 years and always had joint accounts, although she's been divorced three times to two different men).

 

She quit her job late last fall. She just got a new job (about 1/4 of the pay) and she said she decided to direct deposit her wages into her own checking account "because it didn't exactly work out last time". WTF? She's always told me how glad she is that I'm financially responsible, unlike her previous H's! The only way I can see that it "didn't exactly work out" is that I was trying to hold her accountable for where she spent all that $$$!

 

Even with separate finances, I'm going to want some visibility into her credit balances and such (to make sure they don't go sky-high...a third time!).

[DadofTwoGirls]

Divorced 3 x's?!!! wow...26k to 2k wow!...WTH!!

[2sunny]

too many things sound fishy - you better start checking in to things further.

 

how's her cell bill? does she hide her phone - computer from you? does she disappear at all?

[dreamingoftigers]

Get bank records YESTERDAY! Dude, she is getting away with more then just an affair.

[mark982]

well for one thing,you can quit putting extra spending money in her account. let the screaming begin.

[2sunny]

tell her if she intends to spend ANY money - she needs to be the one to earn it. take her off of your accounts. MAKE her get her own - she will be shocked. tell her you'll be generous and give her the 100.00 needed to start the account.

 

buy the food for the house yourself. you'll then know what is spent. kids need something? take them out to pick it up.

 

show her you're willing to give her just what she asked for - her own account. she never said her own account with your unlimited money in it.

 

let's see if this makes her uncomfortable enough to quit spending 1100.00 per month on a credit card without asking.

 

i'd separate my credit from hers - she's about to take hers to the toilet. anything she's spent in the last year becomes HER sole responsibility - let's see if that stops her spending habit.

[2sunny]

When I tried to confront her with only a couple of things I had at the time, we fought, she denied, she cried that I didn't love her because I didn't believe her

 

this is her gaslighting and deflection.

 

what does love have to do with it? if you ask a question - means you don't love her? ahahahaha, that's absurd. she needed to deflect the attention so desperately away from the questions you asked that she became stupid.

 

believing in someone's truth needs proven evidence - either that she's cheating or that she's absolutely not. this is earned. if her actions don't match her words something is wrong. if things don't add up and she doesn't have solid explanations - something is wrong.

 

an innocent person would NEVER have her reaction.

 

and she cried hoping you would feel sorry for her - i call that manipulation.

[redmelon]

yow 2Sunny~ when i read your post I imagined a Metallica guitar riff playing behind it. Very clear and succinct.

 

I agree, cover yo' arse starting now!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude let's look at all the facts, she's been divorced how many times, she's already been having an EA, She's seperating monied accounts?

 

Dude you need to get to a lawyer anc cover your ass. File and have her served, she's gonna do you dirty, dont be surprised when it happens. I'd rather end it than to have her cheat and drag me through the mud.

 

Do you know the real reasons behind her past divorces??? And if you know she's been divorced 3X's, why wasnt that a red flag to you???

[2sunny]

yow 2Sunny~ when i read your post I imagined a Metallica guitar riff playing behind it. Very clear and succinct.

 

I agree, cover yo' arse starting now!

 

what can i say? i'm a straight shooter - i say what i mean and mean what i say... life is simple that way.

[Darth Vader]

Long story, I'll try to recount: Last summer I suspected her of an affair, but didn't say anything. I'd been putting in about $26K in her checking account for "discretionary spending and saving" over 4 years. When I asked to see it, she got really cagey. Come to find out, $24K of it was gone, basically nothing saved, and nothing really to show for it (I don't see $24K of stuff here). She accused me of being a control freak, screaming at me at the top of her lungs. Later, when we were calmer, I offered to let her take care of all her finances if she really thought I was a control freak. She recanted, said she was the control freak, and after a couple of days, said she didn't want separate finances, that she wanted to leave everything the way it had been (we've been married 8 years and always had joint accounts, although she's been divorced three times to two different men).

 

She quit her job late last fall. She just got a new job (about 1/4 of the pay) and she said she decided to direct deposit her wages into her own checking account "because it didn't exactly work out last time". WTF? She's always told me how glad she is that I'm financially responsible, unlike her previous H's! The only way I can see that it "didn't exactly work out" is that I was trying to hold her accountable for where she spent all that $$$!

 

Even with separate finances, I'm going to want some visibility into her credit balances and such (to make sure they don't go sky-high...a third time!).

 

 

I wonder why she's divorced that many times.........

 

Oh Yeah! She's riding someone, screwing, whatever you want to call it!

 

So, are you gonna drop her ass, or are you going to take her abuse? I'm serious about this, if she screwed around on those other two guys, well, she's a cake eater anyway, at least she sounds the part to me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Agreed, darth.

 

There are too many red flags around!

[Darth Vader]

...Agreed, darth.

 

There are too many red flags around!

 

 

Cancel any and ALL credit cards! You can't have her racking up debt on you, and you ending up having to pay for it! NO WAY!!!!!!!!!

[cyabye]

Quote........ "although she's been divorced three times to two different men."

 

??????

 

WTF? She married 1 of them twice? OMG. Where to begin? This "woman" is a real mess. That would of been enough for me NOT to marry her. EA (even w/o smoking gun), her history, spending habit, and no account of that large amount of money and her seperating the accounts for NO reason and then the "gaslighting" that came with it.

 

Do you need someone to draw you a map? She is getting in a position to take you to the cleaners and bring down a world of hurt on you man. Start taking the advice from the LS vets here. You already have your "smoking gun", now it's up to you. Spare her for feeling? LMAO. Protect yourself and your assets. She has NO problem with divorce and she's getting good at it I am sure.

 

My advice. MAN THE EFF UP NOW! Give her nothing and consult legal advice. Do not tell her ANYTHING. Do not follow "feelings". Your gut is telling you something. Embace and act on that. Oh and time to go to your PCP and get checked for STD's.

 

Cya

Edited May 11, 2010 by cyabye

[redmelon]

more good stuff. I agree that she is probably quite skilled in divorce and how to come out on top. Don't fall for the crying anymore. She must think she has a real sucker in you, and I hope you prover her wrong.

[Just a stone's throw]

Good call, her getting her own account and knowing the ins and outs of divorce proceedings. She's not being sly about that one. She knows in order for her to survive alone she'll need her own stuff. But boy, if she goes it alone with that kind of spending habit, good luck!

[carhill]

OP, take your lumps and get out now. She can find some other sucker to bleed. She will, you know, faster than you can spit. There's a sucker born every day..

[KikiW]

I think what floored me most was that TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS has been spent!

 

Sorry, I just cannot imagine my SO setting up a savings account with that much money for me and me draining it almost entirely.

 

I know when my mother and step-father got together, they had two individual accounts and one joint account. That was because after dealing with my loser of a father consistently taking the bulk of the savings and blowing it on get-rich-quick crap, she wanted to keep a tight reign on her savings, not to mention spend her money the way she wanted to without someone looking over her shoulder.

 

But this is totally shady. I'll give ya that maybe she spent a bunch on clothes or Jimmy Choo's or whatever, but 24K??? It sounds to me like she's already starting an exit strategy. Time to find out what she's been up to.