How do I use the info I have to get my wife to own up to her A?

[Doing it Since '78]

That 24 k is either in a secret savings account somewhere for her exit, or she and her OM had some great times at your expense.

[Chrome Barracuda]

One of the husbands probably had the marriage annulled that's probably whyit doesnt show up on court papers! he probably figured out what was going on and bounced.

 

My advice to this guy is to gather all the information, blow up her spot, serve her with divorce papers and sue her for divorce and get your money back and you need a pitbull of an attourney!!!! if she stole the money and hiding it in a secret account, any lawyer worth his mettle can prove to the court that she was duplicitous and can get at least half of it back. I mean money is considered marital property, so you might not get it all but your gonna get half.

 

Also if the new OM is married supeonea his ass too and give his wife and or girlfriend the information so that way he'll get some hurt too.

 

Dont take it laying down. Time to screw her and nail her to the wall.

[michelangelo]

That 24 k is either in a secret savings account somewhere for her exit' date=' or she and her OM had some great times at your expense.[/quote']

 

I'm leaning towards the secret stash.

 

However, I also know it is far easier to blow through $24K than some of you believe.

[sruben]

well for one thing,you can quit putting extra spending money in her account. let the screaming begin.

 

I did that when she quit her job. We no longer had the cash flow to support it. In fact, we had no money left for discretionary spending.

 

Tonight I'm going to let her know that some things I have in my budget (her $120/5wk haircut/color, for one thing, and anything related to the dog she so badly wanted will now be her responsibility).

 

I'm nervous about this discussion. I do plan to let her know how I feel about having separate finances and about how she said "it didn't exactly work out last time" pretty much put me back to 5 minutes after our fight last summer. Her reaction will be very telling...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude, forget all that noise. You need to get to a lawyer why your at it!!!!

 

Why are you still talking to her, what do you hope to accomplish?

[carhill]

If you're not used to her being mad at you, now would be a good time to practice your anger management/diffusion skills. It's coming.

[sruben]

IMHO, I don't think you should say anything unless you're really sure because, if she's not having an affair, she'll feel very hurt and you might put it in a her mind to do so since you've already asked her and she said no. Also, if you don't have real evidence and she's really having the affair, she'll just cover her tracks more. Just be careful here, it hurts to be accused of something you didn't do.

 

I totally understand, and I definitely do not want to accuse her if she didn't, which is why I came here -- to see how reasonable my suspicions are or not.

 

Many responders on here seem to have only the one (or their favorite) tool, divorce, and it seems to me that every problem looks like a nail to them.

 

She and I have a 7-yr-old together, and I am not in a hurry to separate myself from her, even if it turns out that my wife no longer wants to be married to me -- I do NOT think that is the case, by the way. We just had a wonderful weekend together, lots of bonding and SF and time just to focus on each other. I am doubtful that she is having an affair now, but still believe the case for an EA last June is pretty convincing to me. I haven't posted all of that, but probably will shortly.

[sruben]

Sruben' date=' there is something to this. My husband was a jealous man (recall I didn't cheat until we had been married 20+ years) but since we were young in our marriage he has always "teased" me about cheating, or running off with some good looking guy or looking at some guy in some way (b/c that guy was evidently checking me out but I didn't notice) and I always blew this off. It used to piss me off because I was very committed to him and didn't want to end up like my parents. I'm not saying it's a self-fulfilling prophesy but if she's not actually cheating (which from your descriptions would be hard to buy) then that really would hurt to be wrongly accused. If nothing else, she's depressed, I think you see that. Normal, healthy women just don't go from happy to tears and back again like that at her age without a medical reason. Unless there is an emotional reason. I think I'm confusing things more. Sorry.[/quote']

 

I wonder if she's mentally normal/healthy? I used to think so, but the last few years I'm beginning to wonder. Then again, she is perimenopausal. Could that explain some of this? I don't think it explains why she had this guy's birthday in her work calendar (and curiously absent from her home calendar), but it could explain some of the mood swings?

 

Some of my friends have asked if there might be something from her childhood that would explain it, but she's never told me if there is...

[sruben]

too many things sound fishy - you better start checking in to things further.

 

how's her cell bill? does she hide her phone - computer from you? does she disappear at all?

 

When we married, we put her cell on my plan, it's still there, not a lot of unusual activity on it except about a week ago (I'm watching that for a recurrence and going to spokeo the numbers). Sometimes she keeps it in her purse, other times on the charger where I can see it, but it's never locked (only our 13-yr-old locks her phone!) and she's almost always where I know about. If she disappeared on a regular basis, I'd definitely be doing some GPS or something, so no.

 

Yes, I plan to have my eyes wide open this summer. Seems like the last two I was not paying attention...

[sruben]

Get bank records YESTERDAY! Dude, she is getting away with more then just an affair.

 

I did that, starting last summer. Nothing other than unaccounted-for cash withdrawals, small amounts of $40-$100 weekly all year. Nothing that shatters any established patterns that I could see. I intend to continue. I might even ask for all 4 years' worth to see if I can get a better picture of timelines, if that won't alarm the tellers and cause them to contact her or something.

 

Hmmm, she just started doing it online, too, late last year. I wonder if I should check that out, see how many months/years it goes back?

[sruben]

tell her if she intends to spend ANY money - she needs to be the one to earn it. take her off of your accounts. MAKE her get her own - she will be shocked. tell her you'll be generous and give her the 100.00 needed to start the account.

 

buy the food for the house yourself. you'll then know what is spent. kids need something? take them out to pick it up.

 

show her you're willing to give her just what she asked for - her own account. she never said her own account with your unlimited money in it.

 

let's see if this makes her uncomfortable enough to quit spending 1100.00 per month on a credit card without asking.

 

i'd separate my credit from hers - she's about to take hers to the toilet. anything she's spent in the last year becomes HER sole responsibility - let's see if that stops her spending habit.

 

That's the ONE reason why I'm willing to along with this...for awhile at least....

[sruben]

this is her gaslighting and deflection.

 

what does love have to do with it? if you ask a question - means you don't love her? ahahahaha, that's absurd. she needed to deflect the attention so desperately away from the questions you asked that she became stupid.

 

believing in someone's truth needs proven evidence - either that she's cheating or that she's absolutely not. this is earned. if her actions don't match her words something is wrong. if things don't add up and she doesn't have solid explanations - something is wrong.

 

an innocent person would NEVER have her reaction.

 

and she cried hoping you would feel sorry for her - i call that manipulation.

 

That's kinda what I'm afraid of. Doesn't seem to add up any other way.

 

On the other hand, having learned what I have, I have decided not to allow myself to be manipulated tlike that any further.

[sruben]

Dude let's look at all the facts, she's been divorced how many times, she's already been having an EA, She's seperating monied accounts?

 

Dude you need to get to a lawyer anc cover your ass. File and have her served, she's gonna do you dirty, dont be surprised when it happens. I'd rather end it than to have her cheat and drag me through the mud.

 

Do you know the real reasons behind her past divorces??? And if you know she's been divorced 3X's, why wasnt that a red flag to you???

 

I have a referral for a really tough lawyer, and believe me, if I find that she is having continued affairs, I'll be there sooner than I can post here, but right now:

 

1) I don't know that she had an EA (let alone PA) last June. I strongly suspect it, and a lot of her behavior at the time would indicate that something was up, but I think by the time I got wise to it, it was over (see my other thread where I described her day of "mourning").

 

2) We have a 7-yr-old that I want to keep in my life every day if at all possible. No, I would not tolerate a serial cheater to do it (if that were what was happening).

 

3) Yes, her three divorces (the last two to the same guy) were a red flag, but she seemed so open and honest about what happened in the marriages, what she did wrong, what they did wrong (she told me that they both cheated on her) that I thought I had a real gem who just happened to make bad choices in who she married. She even told me the 2nd guy, a VV with drug/alcohol addiction appeared to be a very godly upstanding man, played on the worship team at church, went to premarital conseling and everything with her. Two months after they were marrried, he split on a drinking binge for several weeks. In this case, I think she got duped, but in remarrying him, she said it was because he guilted her into it (and I can believe that because she IS strongly motivated by guilt).

 

So, to those of you thinking I should just dump her now, thanks, but I don't take either marriage or divorce lightly, like so many in today's generation. I made a commitment, and so did she, so unless I know pretty much for certain that she isn't keeping her commitment, I plan to keep mine.

 

For what it's worth, in my journey over the last year, I had a lot of time for introspection, and I am no longer afraid of getting divorced or being without her if it comes to that. But it's not my preference or my first choice.

[sruben]

what can i say? i'm a straight shooter - i say what i mean and mean what i say... life is simple that way.

 

I like people like you!

[sruben]

I wonder why she's divorced that many times.........

 

Oh Yeah! She's riding someone, screwing, whatever you want to call it!

 

So, are you gonna drop her ass, or are you going to take her abuse? I'm serious about this, if she screwed around on those other two guys, well, she's a cake eater anyway, at least she sounds the part to me.

 

I'm not sure where you came up with that. I never said she screwed around on her previous husbands. She told me that they both did so. I did find out, though, that that wasn't the reason for the divorces. The first was "failure to bond as a married couple" (according to the MC), and the second was abandonment. Twice. Yeah, I know. Now.

 

She may be a cake eater -- in fact, if she did have an EA last summer, then I am certain of it because when it came down to it, she did not want to divorce me when I asked. She told the MC the same.

 

Of course, the separate finances calls into question whether or not she's packing her bags quietly....

[sruben]

Cancel any and ALL credit cards! You can't have her racking up debt on you, and you ending up having to pay for it! NO WAY!!!!!!!!!

 

If I see the balances climbing, you bet that's what I'll do! She'll probably leave me at that point, but I won't feel as bad about it either...

[sruben]

Quote........ "although she's been divorced three times to two different men."

 

??????

 

WTF? She married 1 of them twice? OMG. Where to begin? This "woman" is a real mess. That would of been enough for me NOT to marry her. EA (even w/o smoking gun), her history, spending habit, and no account of that large amount of money and her seperating the accounts for NO reason and then the "gaslighting" that came with it.

 

Do you need someone to draw you a map? She is getting in a position to take you to the cleaners and bring down a world of hurt on you man. Start taking the advice from the LS vets here. You already have your "smoking gun", now it's up to you. Spare her for feeling? LMAO. Protect yourself and your assets. She has NO problem with divorce and she's getting good at it I am sure.

 

My advice. MAN THE EFF UP NOW! Give her nothing and consult legal advice. Do not tell her ANYTHING. Do not follow "feelings". Your gut is telling you something. Embace and act on that. Oh and time to go to your PCP and get checked for STD's.

 

Cya

 

I did, and he's aware of my concerns. Came back pos for HSV1&2. I think everyone has HSV1 but I got HSV2 sometime in our first year of marriage. She said likely from H#2 because he slept with prostitutes, she didn't know at the time. Great. But nothing else as of last fall, anyway.

[sruben]

more good stuff. I agree that she is probably quite skilled in divorce and how to come out on top. Don't fall for the crying anymore. She must think she has a real sucker in you, and I hope you prover her wrong.

 

I agree, and I wonder if that's why when I got into her lockbox once (she doesn't know I have a key), she had some papers in there. This was reallly strange to me, but I noticed that she had a copy of our marriage license right next to some paperwork describing the laws of our state pertaining to child custody. To say that it made me feel like her bags were already packed would be an understatement.

 

I'm not the sucker I was last summer, I can tell you that! Yeah, even the MC told me not to put too much emphasis on her crying. It made me feel like a real heel for having believed all that about her, but I suppose that's what it was designed to do...

[sruben]

Good call' date=' her getting her own account and knowing the ins and outs of divorce proceedings. She's not being sly about that one. She knows in order for her to survive alone she'll need her own stuff. But boy, if she goes it alone with that kind of spending habit, good luck![/quote']

 

Well, during the 5 months or so she wasn't working, she was making a real effort to get along with me. After she started this new job, she started screaming at the kids again (like the last two summers) and even taking it out on me (not screaming, so far, just rude unfriendly or inconsiderate behavior).

 

She's only making 1/4 to 1/5 of what she used to make in her previous job, so I imagine she'll still make the effort to play nice, but maybe not. In her last job, she made more than $20K/yr more than me!

 

So, if we ended up divorced, I imagine she'd expect support since she makes so little? Either that, or she'd get a job more in line with her education and experience and get paid what she's worth, regardless of how "toxic" the environment is?

[sruben]

OP, take your lumps and get out now. She can find some other sucker to bleed. She will, you know, faster than you can spit. There's a sucker born every day..

 

Before we met, she was toeing the line "All men are *****! I'm just going to raise my girls by myself!" She met me a couple months later, we dated, got engaged, history. When we fought last summer, then-6-yr-old said to me "what if mommy leaves us and marries someone else?", wife screamed at the top of her lungs at both of us, "I am NEVER getting married AGAIN!!!!" Do I believe that? What do you think?

[sruben]

That 24 k is either in a secret savings account somewhere for her exit' date=' or she and her OM had some great times at your expense.[/quote']

 

The PI I spoke to last summer said something similar. But we're past tax time this year, wouldn't she have had to report any interest income from that (assuming she did so)? Or could she have it in some other form that doesn't disburse taxable interest? What should I be looking for?

 

BTW, she didn't spend all $24K on herself, I know what happened to a few thousand of it. At $120/5wk for haircuts, that's $1248/yr or $4992, and there was $3500 toward tuition for private school for the girls, but the rest appears to be nickel-dimey stuff (including lots of unaccounted-for cash of $40-$120/week for 4 years -- this could have been saved or spent on hotels, secret phones, gifts, I'll grant you. Oddly enough, "gifts for people" was one of the things she gave as examples of what she does with cash, but I don't see random gifts, only at birthday/father's day type events).

[carhill]

wife screamed at the top of her lungs at both of us, "I am NEVER getting married AGAIN!!!!" Do I believe that? What do you think?

Yes, I do. Stbx said exactly the same thing, after her two marriages (now three). She has what she wants. Took three men to get her there but it's done now. Don't confuse 'never getting married again' with 'living the life of Mother Theresa'.

 

Here's a little bit of advice. If you don't have the 'other' side of the stories of her past marriages, you have nothing wrt to her marital history. People re-write history all the time.

 

Get ready for a big re-write and a whole bunch of anger. Also, be prepared to tell your lawyer exactly what you'll settle for. Think a list of three things. Max. Good luck

 

whoopie...16,000 posts

[sruben]

Yes, I do. Stbx said exactly the same thing, after her two marriages (now three). She has what she wants. Took three men to get her there but it's done now. Don't confuse 'never getting married again' with 'living the life of Mother Theresa'.

 

I dig.

 

I don't think my wife is there, yet. She doesn't want to work, so she's gonna need someone who can afford to support her hobbies, her half of her girls and her whims without needing additional income. I'm not there, yet, either! ;-)

 

Here's a little bit of advice. If you don't have the 'other' side of the stories of her past marriages, you have nothing wrt to her marital history. People re-write history all the time.

 

She does rewrite history, I witnessed it myself last year. When I asked about the OM and why I'd never heard about him before, she was all like "Oh, yeah, I've told you about him and his partner, how they're such goofy guys, always making us all laugh, you remember!" Uh, no. Although I did later find some emails from her from months before that telling me that she'd had lunch with him that day and that "I have lunch with him maybe once a week while he's here". I know he was here the previous week. Am I to understand that she had lunch with him the previous week, too, and DIDN'T tell me then? She went on to say that it was awkward because her ex-boss was within earshot, and then later her current boss joined him, meanwhile their boss and someone else was nearby with someone else, who were staring at her. Did she only tell me then because it could conceivably come back to me if I ever ran into her boss or ex-boss?

 

AND....here's a good question...what did she mean by "maybe"? She uses a lot of half-truth language like that. I always wonder what she ISN'T saying. She told me once that her exH#1 began dating a certain gal before they were divorced...but that she had also started dating H#2 before the divorce was final, "mostly just talking on the phone because he lived out of town." Mostly? Okay, then, what ELSE were you doing?

 

Does she not see her duplicity? I think she was trying to NOT tell me that they were having sex before her divorce was final. I don't know this for certain, but is that an unreasonable assumption?

 

Get ready for a big re-write and a whole bunch of anger. Also, be prepared to tell your lawyer exactly what you'll settle for. Think a list of three things. Max. Good luck

 

whoopie...16,000 posts

 

Thanks.

 

1) Full custody of DD7. Wife says she never obeys her anyway. Seems to take out problems in the marriage on her, too.

2) The house we live in, which I bought before we married and which I owe more on now than when we married, thanks to her out of control credit spending.

3) ???? Suggestions?

[sruben]

"How do I get her to own up to it?" one poster suggested that anyone with scruples (do you have any if you'll have an A?) would never admit it but tae it to her grave, and I've often heard that about women and affairs, but there are women on this forum who have had affairs, repented and confessed, so I don't believe that's a universal law.

 

One told me her H just asked. Another said she would if he would just ask, but she thinks he doesn't want to know.

 

but _I_ want to know. How can I get this across to my wife without causing her to shut down or start gaslighting? What are the words to use which do not come across accusatorily or threateningly?

[carhill]

I would suggest getting some legal advice about a 'plan B' which is an alternative to evidence collection and confrontation. Unless you live in an 'at-fault' state, her potential A is irrelevant. Doing Plan B now allows you time to work out alternative scenarios, legal and otherwise, to protect yourself. A good lawyer will bring in the appropriate experts to help.

 

but _I_ want to know. How can I get this across to my wife without causing her to shut down or start gaslighting? What are the words to use which do not come across accusatorily or threateningly?

 

Work through this with a professional counselor. Perhaps you can find 'the right words'. The best advice I can give you is to use 'I feel' statements..... 'I feel abandoned'; 'I feel abused'; 'I feel unloved' when xxxx...

 

Remember, prepare for the anger. It's coming. Everything you can do with your fists a woman can do better with her words and behaviors. Never forget that. Hope it works out for you.