How do I use the info I have to get my wife to own up to her A?

[turnera]

Besides not having told her yet about IC, is there somewhere you think I've been dishonest with her?

 

I have been giving the issue of telling her about IC a lot of thought, lately. I knew even when I made the decision that I need to tell her, but I didn't want to tell her before I'd started because of her previous manipulating me out of it. Yes, I allowed myself to be manipulated. Maybe I'm not yet strong enough to prevent that.

 

I've been reading a book someone referred me to called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. It's been very revealing to me, showing how I've become a "Nice Guy" (not the same as a nice guy) and addresses how I've exacerbated the problem I have with my wife by giving in to her fits of rage and doing things to try to make her happy ("How's that working out for ya?" -- After 8 years, I can say, not so well. Time to do something different).

 

I will be telling her about it, very soon. I don't care now if she does get mad about it. It's a done deal, and I've decided that she doesn't have to like it.

Let me explain better. You and I are a LOT alike. We put up with a lot because it's easier to just not say anything. But I spent 29 years not being honest with my husband; not sharing that he hurts me; giving in when he's louder or more emphatic; not telling him where I go to avoid the third degree; even lying, to avoid his wrath.

 

I'm here to tell ya, it hurts YOU more in the end than it hurts your spouse. You create a fake you, that you use with her. This conflict avoidance thing, it eats your soul away.

 

No matter how your marriage ends up, I want you to be able to walk away with your head held high. You deserve it. And it starts with telling the truth.

 

You have NO idea how many times I've steeled myself to tell my DH the truth, and chickened out. And each time I do, I hate myself a little more. Til now, when I barely even feel I deserve to survive.

 

Tell the truth, ok?

[seibert253]

Besides not having told her yet about IC, is there somewhere you think I've been dishonest with her?

 

I have been giving the issue of telling her about IC a lot of thought, lately. I knew even when I made the decision that I need to tell her, but I didn't want to tell her before I'd started because of her previous manipulating me out of it. Yes, I allowed myself to be manipulated. Maybe I'm not yet strong enough to prevent that.

 

I've been reading a book someone referred me to called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I'm about 3/4 of the way through it. It's been very revealing to me, showing how I've become a "Nice Guy" (not the same as a nice guy) and addresses how I've exacerbated the problem I have with my wife by giving in to her fits of rage and doing things to try to make her happy ("How's that working out for ya?" -- After 8 years, I can say, not so well. Time to do something different).

 

I will be telling her about it, very soon. I don't care now if she does get mad about it. It's a done deal, and I've decided that she doesn't have to like it.

 

 

I loved that book. Worked wonders for me. How's it doing for you?

[turnera]

Yes, you can DEFINITELY benefit from that book.

 

Another book, usually referred to women but just as valid, is The Dance of Anger.

[sruben]

I loved that book. Worked wonders for me. How's it doing for you?

 

I'm about 80% done with it and hope to finish it today or this weekend.

 

A lot of it rings true for me -- I have become a wimp. I didn't start out that way, but out of a desire to not hurt my wife with my "roughness", I have softened up a bit. Obviously too much. She has been walking all over me and manipulating me to do things that don't even make sense (like suggesting that I was crazy and making up things I KNOW she said, then objecting when I want to get IC!).

 

This should be an interesting weekend. I am gearing up for a confrontation where I will take no prisoners. For those who think I'm not doing anything, or doing enough, one of the things I did today was relocate some money from somewhere she could easily get to it to somewhere she'd have a tougher time of getting it (though not impossible, because we're in a comm prop state). However, I did this to protect the funds I'll need if this goes to D. I'd rather not use them for that, but not I'm prepared if I need to.

 

The lawyer's name and number are nearby if I need to set that up, and I'm strongly considering setting up the initial appt very soon. I'll let you know what happens.

 

By the way, I'd like some opinions on this one little factoid: After she stayed home two years to take care of our daughter after she was born, she worked professionally for about 4.5 years. The first two was with one co and she did really well there working as an analyst. Her 2nd level boss left to lead a large part of a splinter org, that guy offered his right-hand position to her then-1st level boss, who declined. Then she got offered that job (it was a promotion into management for her, would have been lateral for the other guy).

 

My suspicion about her having an EA has a lot to do with the "feeling of privilege" a lot of people get when they move up like that. She was top dog in the office where she was managing, giving her opportunity to come & go as she pleased without anyone questioning her on it -- especially while entertaining out-of-town vendors who were visiting. I know she did this much, but don't know how many or how much. In one case, I do know WHO, though. Despite the fact that we had an agreement that if we ever had to have lunch alone with a member of the opposite gender that we'd tell each other about it FIRST. I know of at least one violation of that (actually, the other day, she told me about this swimming pool at the top of this high-end hotel near where she worked. She said something about having gone there with a guy from her first job who happens to be single btw -- NEVER mentioned this anywhere near the timeframe of when it supposedlly happened, but I digress). All the time she had the mgmt job, she was always doubting herself, saying she thought she was in over her head. Also her new 2nd level boss was kind of a bully. After the suspected EA, she would often come home sobbing convulsively that she couldn't take it any more -- reasons varied, like other managers screaming at each other or occasionally her, or just not cooperating. She quit that job last Oct "because of the toxic environment".

 

Last week when we fought and she realized that I still don't trust her, she said that she just didn't know what else to do to prove to me that I can trust her -- she's done everything she can including quitting her job to stay home so that she could be COMPLETELY dependent upon me. When it became obvious that we couldn't afford to stay that way and still send the girls to private school (and other expenses), she got offerend two jobs, one min. wage full-time, the other about 50% more for 30 hr/wk. She said she accepted the lower job to STAY completely dependent upon me. BTW, I never asked for any of that. When she was in her last job, she made more than me, and I was okay with that (although she still managed to spend more than she and I made!). She reiterated that there's NO WAY she could survive on what she's making now, and offered that as "proof" that she wants to stay with me (some here have speculated that she's planning an exit, whether or not there was an EA).

 

My question is this: Does that make sense? She made no mention of dependency when she told me she wanted to quit her job, not in any of the discussions we had since the suspected EA in June. Is she gaslighting me here, or is she just crazy, desperately grasping for ways to keep me from "going there" again w.r.t the EA? I think she probably had an EA but doesn't think it was an affair. I also think she stroked the guy off at least once, since she's told me that she doesn't think stroking off someone you're not married to is any big deal and not against her morals.

 

Or am I crazy? I'm always open to that possibility (and part of why I want to see IC and have started to). But I really don't think so. I probably was for the first 3 months after I discovered all the circumstantial evidences of the EA, but I recovered (mostly -- obviously still obsessing over what I don't know).