Women's point of view and support needed

[Ukhurting]

Hey, ill keep this as short as possible

 

met a girl 4 years ago, we got on well but was nothing serious for a year or 2 although she lived with me we both described ourselves as 'just housemates' to anyone who asked. after a year we had a small arguement and she told me she had wanted a 'proper relationship'. so i told her well 'lets see how things go' (meaning weve been living together for so long that it would be hard just to go from what we were to being more serious) so to give it time to grow.

 

she said she would have given anything to have been with me but that i had not wanted to commit before

 

during this time, she started to take more care in her appearance and lost some weight but i never felt anything really change. we both continued to be as we were before. Then this christmas i decided i was ready to commit to her but wasnt sure how to express it and she was still acting aloof so assumed she wasnt ready yet.

 

last week she packed all her room up and left to stay with her mum miles away. she said she didnt think she could give me what i want but she needs some space and wasnt sure if she could be with me. she has taken 2 weeks off work (which is near here) to stay with her mum but will obv have to come back next week.

 

I rang her 4 days after she left and told her that i was sorry i never told her i loved her (i now know i should have, because i do) and explained why i had said 'lets see how things go' she sounded really down. i agreed we needed some space but hoped it wouldnt be for too long. i needed to tell her how i felt because it hurt that i hadnt said these things before and i felt she needed to know.

 

Then i sent her a rose to her mums house with a specially made dvd of a single she liked, that was written a week before we broke up (local musician who played round a campfire one night). she sent me a text that evening saying 'thank you for my rose and DVD its amazing '

 

what do i do now? how will she feel about receiving the rose and dvd? how much space does she need? does it sound like she may reconsider? i really do love her but its taked her walking out for me to realise!!

 

help

[dreamingoftigers]

Typical male dopiness. hopefully she realizes that it is that and nothing more.

 

You need to tell HER this stuff and more often then once every 4 years. Try weekly. If this is the first romantic stuff you have done, then you have a lot of catching up to do. Invite her up to your place for dinner, candlelight the whole thing, make a nice meal and freaking apologize for not getting it for so long.

 

Work on expressing your feelings and desire for committment! good luck

[lullaby]

Yep. I agree. I don't think she is over you. She needed to call your attention and women love when a man really shows how he feels and most of the time, we love being pampered and all that stuff, and if you haven't expressed yourself that much, this is the time! Although it doesn't mean you should give her a rose every single day!!! be creative! just keep it simple but profound. Women love when men take notice in small silly details

[Ukhurting]

I agree typical male dopiness on my part.

 

shes asked for space, i dont want to intrude on her space if thats what she needs. but i dont know if she wants me to fight for her.

 

she seemed to enjoy the rose and dvd but i dont want to smother her with gifts and words she may think are false (most guys declare undying love when a girl leaves).

 

do i nc and give her her space?

 

im not too good at this stuff can you tell? i find it hard to be romantic if i dont get anything back or if im unsure thats what she wants.

[redmelon]

I think you should go pound on the door until she comes out and then tell her you are in love with her and beg her forgiveness, maybe cry. Go the extra mile, for once.

[redmelon]

listen to "I Belong to You" by Muse

[Ukhurting]

Yup thats about how i feel if i was given another chance, but how? shes gone i dont think she'll move back here next week, so she'll be staying at her mates i guess.

 

wont 'knocking down her door' push her further away? im so crap at this stuff but she's defo worth it.

[redmelon]

you've got to take the chance. you've acted apathetic and nonchalant LONG ENOUGH. Show her what you're made of.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ask to date her for awhile and tell her it is so you can back up what you are saying with action. Tell her that you would like the chance to prove how you feel to her and also tell her that there isn't pressure on her to move back or anything, but that you just want her to know she that she can make the best decision for herself. Tell her that you want to show her how you feel and that dating her until she feels comfortable to make a better decision in a couple of months or so would be a good opportunity to do that. Tell her that you hope she won't throw away what could be a great thing because you were a dope. Apologize for being a dope and explain that you thought she knew or that you were shy etc. or whatever the heck it was.

 

This is an easy fix is she is somewhat open and it seems that she is. She may be sending you a message by staying at her mother's (not a jab at you message, but one just the same). I would think it was more final if she had gotten another place, is any of her stuff still at your place?

[Ukhurting]

cheers guys now i feel like ive really screwed up!

 

no she literally took everything, even the cat and the goldfish.... quite impressive actually. some of her stuff is stored in her friends garage close by and i assume thats where she will be staying when she gets back but not sure.

 

if i went knocking down her door, i think her mum would get her shotgun out!

 

Other than sending the rose, dvd and a small note i 'm not sure what else to do. i cant drive 6 hours to go see her at the moment and she wont answer my calls (not that ive tried apart from to tell her how i felt). and if i did ring her i wouldnt know what to say? or id be worried i wasnt respecting her 'space'

 

terrible at this aren't i?

Edited May 11, 2010 by Ukhurting

[BubbleFreak]

Think about what kind of stuff she would appreciate from you. Only someone who really cares about her would know what that would be. It might not be obvious to you at first, but it will definitely be at least one of these- gift giving, an act of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, spending quality time together- as Gary Chapman would say. Think back all those years together, and I'm sure you can think of something.

 

Then, do it.

[redmelon]

I agree with the above, but I think she deserves a grand gesture.

[Ukhurting]

grand gesture?

[redmelon]

yes, the grand gesture. When we are telling people to go No Contact we always say that if they really wanted you back, they wouldn't be throwing you breadcrumbs, they'd be banging down your door and making SURE you knew how they felt. None of this wishy washy stuff. That literal or figurative "banging down the door" is what you need to do, but I agree, you know her better than we do, and so YOU need to figure out what the grand gesture is that has the best chance of reaching her and not getting you shot.

[dreamingoftigers]

"so and so

 

I don't want you to feel like I am disrespecting you or your desire for space. I just want you to know that I am sorry that I never let you know how much you meant to me. I have been trying to tell you since December but I am scared/shy/closeted homosexual/dumb/did not realize that I should have etc. I also want you to know that I really miss you and that this place is really lonely without you. I am not just saying this to get you to come back, I just want you to know that before you make any final decisions. I would like the chance to show you (now that I know how important it is) how much I care for you. I am not trying to put any pressure on you, take as much time as you need, but I think if you don't want to give me the chance to show you that you might be throwing something away that could be really great. I don't want to go out with any other girls. (maybe tell her she's pretty too).

 

Then maybe throw in some personal examples (i.e. I loved that meal you made me that time, I miss going to that place over there with you etc remember we used to laugh at homeless people when they got drunk and fell over etc.)

 

Give her a couple days in between, don't be too desperate or clingy but don't just ignore it either. Call her and tell her this. If she isn't taking your calls, send her a letter it would have more impact anyways.

[Ukhurting]

well the last thing that was said was when i replied 'S'ok, glad you liked it and that it got to you ok ' about the rose and DVD, that was on sunday (7 days after she left and 2 days ago) so i havent heard from her for 3 days but i know the rose is still in front of her and i did tell her how i really felt on the phone last week and in a note with the rose. so ive told her what i needed to say.

 

my fear is that she will see the rose and dvd as a weak gesture and my words all too late. but i really do mean it

Edited May 11, 2010 by Ukhurting

[redmelon]

it was a sweet, but yes, a weak gesture. Do something unforgettable and grand. Step outside of your yourself and do something that when you look back on it, you'll at least know that you tried your hardest to win her back.

[Ukhurting]

well she should be back at the weekend so ill think ill give her her space til then. but then i have no idea what else to do what could be more thoughtful than a rose and specially recorded dvd? i need some examples of what youre talking about.....her birthday is the weekend after that too!

[redmelon]

I think you should devise a plan on your own. I am a sappy romantic, so here is an example of something I think would be sweet:

 

Go to where she is, don't sit around waiting for her to come to you. Wear a suit and tie, fix your hair. Look nice. Have a bouquet of wildflowers. Call her from the driveway. If she answers tell her to look outside, she will come out and then you hug her tightly and let her feel you tremble with nervousness, then you can profess your love and your wrongs.

 

If she doesn't answer the phone, go knock on the door.

 

This shows her that you are willing to go outside of your comfort zone. This shows her you are serious. This shows thoughtfulness and urgency, and tells her that she is important to you, in my opinion.

[Ukhurting]

She was supposed to be coming back at some point this week for wokr, so i sent her a text 'if youre about this week fancy meeting up for a coffee?' now really nervous whilst waiting for a reply