I don't want her back, but I miss her so much

[Tiredguy]

Hey guys, just as a warning right at the top, this is going to be long winded and emotional, but reading the other stories and the responses here has helped me, and maybe getting this off my chest will help to. By the end of this, if you have read it all, you will probably think i'm crazy for sticking it out as long as I have..I know all of my friends do.

 

A little about me, so you can understand where I'm coming from in this story: I was in the military for a long time, and most of it was spent in the special forces. Because of this, and the fact that I was constantly being relocated or living most of my life in shady third world countries, I never had a girlfriend, or any kind of relationship that went much beyond a one night stand. So when I met, and fell in love, with her, it was the first time for me. I was 33, second relationship for her, she was, at that time, 24. This relationship lasted 5 1/2 years, almost entirely online. She lives in Canada, I live in the US, a good ways apart.

 

Once I got out of the military I just wanted to be at "home", so I got a job, my own place, and I rarely ever went out. I mostly played online games, and that's how I met her, back in early 2005. I wasn't even looking for a relationship, so it came as a surprise to me when I realized that I was in love with her. We played together daily, chatted online about anything and everything, started flirting alot, and after about three months of this I finally told her I was falling for her. First mistake.

 

She had a boyfriend she lived with at the time, which I didn't even know about until after I told her I had fallen in love with her. My first thought then was for me to leave, to save us both any problems, but she convinced me not to. She started telling me about him, and how he was emotionally abusive toward her, and he was a druggy, etc. I found some posts he'd made on the forum of another online game and reading anything he wrote instantly gave you the impression that he was about half retarded. She said she wanted to leave him but was afraid to do so, but that eventually, she would, and that she loved me in return.

 

She cheated on her boyfriend, emotionally, with me for six months before she finally left him. But she kept leading me to believe that she was always "just about to do it", and I justified the whole thing to myself because I felt that he was probably a bad boyfriend, just from what she had said about him, and my limited experience with him via postings he'd made. So i waited, and during this six months, she was hot and cold. Literally, bubbling I love you's one day, and cold, distant sometimes hateful the next. I figured her boyfriend, was to blame for most of this, and rode it out. I could tell he was a bad guy from the beginning, because she had serious self esteem issues and he played on that, telling her how no other man would ever want to be with her, etc.

 

She finally gets rid of him, and I think that things will improve. That the 'hot and cold' will finally start to just be hot, or at least most of the time. But that wasn't to be the case. A previous online friend of hers starts playing the same game we're playing together, and immediately, from the time he was online until he logged off, she would act as if I didn't exist. This frustrated me to no end, but I was hesitant to say anything about it, until finally one day, as we're on a ventrilo (voice) server, they start flirting so much that I leave in disgust. She promises to me she won't do it anymore, and a few days later that guy quits logging in. Later, it comes to my attention that he was also falling for her, and that she'd basically chosen me over him, so he left.

 

For months afterward, the hot and cold treatment continues. She would tell me how she loved me more than anything, how I was helping her so much (because I did spend a lot of time luring out of her shell and building her self esteem up) how she wanted to marry me, grow old with me, and the very next day be snappy and hateful and tell me how it would never work, etc. The reason, however, that I suffered through all of this, is because when she was all about us, it made me feel invincible. When she was happy, i was freakin ecstatic. I was head over heels in love with her. On the flip side, when she went into doomsday mode, I would feel horrible, pretty much feeling the same gut wrenching heartache that I'm going through right now. So I tried to always make her happy. I tried my hardest to make her laugh every day. We spoke on the phone every day on our lunch breaks, and we spoke on Ventrilo every night. Never missed a single day, for at least two years. Another reason I suffered through all of this is because I also figured that once we were together, physically, it would be easier for me to overcome her emotional hurdles. It would be three years before she would let me come see her. But that part comes later in the story.

 

One day about two years into the relationship, she comes home from work, very angry. Apparently, as she uses public transport, some guy on the bus was sitting with his girlfriend but leering at my girlfriend. Not only did this make her angry, but it also meant all men were pigs, including me, and she ripped into me for a good hour before leaving the Vent server and not speaking to me for about two weeks. At first i was angry, but after a few days I started to get the most horrendous heartache I'd ever felt, because I was in love with her and I started to miss her very much. But I didn't say anything, I gave her her space, and time to cool off. At the end of the second week apart, she calls me acting as if nothing ever happened. I rode along with that and things went back to normal.

 

Six more months of hot and cold go by, literally constant. One day she loves me, the next she doesn't. Some days she'd come online but barely speak to me, and if I tried to talk to her she'd either be short and snappy, or just grunt at me, or not answer at all. These days really made me miserable. But i'd keep going on, because in a few days she'd be all about us again, and I'd be on top of the world.

 

A lot of warning signs, and I ignored them all, because I was in love.

 

At the end of that six months, going on three years into our relationship, she comes online again angry and rips into me, this time because I'm an American and all Americans are evil and by this time I feel the need to defend myself. I blew up a bit, because, I felt I had been the only fighting for this relationship and I was really tired of this kind of stuff. She logs out, and doesn't speak to me for three months. After a week of not talking to her, I am devastated, really missing her terribly. For that entire three months I suffered day and night, I lost over 40 pounds, I cried many times and finally just went into a trance. I felt a huge empty hole inside. For all my years doing dirty work in foreign countries, I had never experienced anything like this, and it was killing me. I emailed her once after a month and she never responded, so I tried to shut thoughts her out and get on with my life. I was convinced the relationship was over.

 

At the end of the three months she emailed me, and wanted to talk. Her father had passed away and she did a complete 180. She told me realized what was important in her life and that it was me, and so we started again.

 

This was the only good year of the entire five, and it was great. She finally agreed to allow me to come see her, so I promptly purchased a plane ticket and flew to Canada. We spent five magical days together of pure bliss, and when I left to come home it was painful for both of us, but now we vowed to stop at nothing until we finally together. She was afraid of moving here, but I had traveled the world, so moving didn't bother me. I asked her to come and visit me at least once before I did, so that she could meet my family.

 

Things were good for awhile, and they slowly started to erode. She got a new job awhile back, and then in January of this year she started with the hot and cold routine again. Some days barely speaking to me. Still telling me on occasion that she loved me and missed me, more often just barely talking to me. She would tell me every other day how this guy or that guy at work was hitting on her. I could feel her slipping away, but I just didn't know what to do.

 

Now, I had a loan through my employer that I had to pay off before I could move to her, but that was going to be paid in July, less than two months from now. She knew that, and we had planned around it, but now, a year and a half after I went up there to visit her, she still hadn't even attempted to get her visa, much less come see me. She lived with her sister, and had made no plans whatsoever for the event of my moving up there, yet she would get snappy if I mentioned us "being together" and say things like "is that ever going to happen!", leaving me a little bit dumbfounded.

 

Back in early April she asked me if she could buy herself an engagement ring, so guys would stop hitting on her. I told her I would really like to buy it for her, but she just blew that off. She started becoming more distant in late April, and the last week of April I started noticing the signs. She barely spoke to me, and when she would start to call me "babe" out of habit, she would stop herself, thinking I wouldn't notice. But I did. Pretty soon she stopped saying it altogether. And I knew then that one of the guys hitting on her at work had finally gotten her attention. I knew, in my heart, that I had officially been demoted. But, to be honest, by this time I was so tired. I had fought and fought to make this relationship work, stuck with her through all of her emotional rollercoaster rides, despite all the pain she put me through, and I was tired. I honestly couldn't recall her ever putting much effort into the relationship. So I said nothing, and I watched her slip away.

 

Last week, she stopped coming online altogether. The last time I spoke to her was a week ago today, she came on very late and said good night to me. On Thursday, three days later, i received a very impersonal email from her claiming that her phone had died and she was working a lot of overtime that week (we all know what that means), and that we would talk in three days. Bear in mind, aside from the two previous arguments I mentioned where she didn't talk to me for some time, we spoke every single day.

 

Anyway, that was the last time I ever heard from her. I knew this was coming, and I think in the back of my mind I thought it just needed to end, and I chose to do nothing because I was tired of fighting for this one sided love affair.

 

And now she's gone, and I honestly dont' want her back, because it will just be more of the same. But it hurts so damn much, and I miss her so damn much. This time it hurts even worse because I know that she left me for another man, and that means that I'm suffering while she's out having a good time, experiencing a new relationship, and the thought of that just makes me physically ill. I love her, more than anything, and I never stopped loving her. But I can't even say why I love her, anymore. And honestly, i felt after five and a half years of being a loyal boyfriend through all of her issues, I at least rated the courtesy of a goodbye.

 

Edited May 10, 2010 by Tiredguy

[yan1f]

i didn't know my first boyfriend was toxic for me until i met my second boyfriend, who turned out to have much more potential and treated me better than my first. Hang in there! leaving a toxic long-term relationship is hard, especially if it is your first one.

[Tiredguy]

Thanks I'm doing better, writing all of this down and reading over it a couple times has helped me immensely. I don't want her back, I just want to be over her.

[JusChill]

Amazed...5 years n a half, the pain that you feel might be beyond understanding. But u know what brother... there's one thing that we share, and that is we both have a broken heart.

 

Look around you in the forum, most of us... who are here, are those who have tried hard to kept a relationship and it didn't work out. Be strong, and u know what it's ok to cry... i tried to be strong for about 2-3 weeks now.. it didn't work out...the pain in my heart is still there but I am still trying to smile everyday...no matter what.

 

It's ok if you are depressed, cause depression happens to those who have been strong for too long. Don't hold back, let it go... cry it all out and smile for a better future...cause now I feel way better.

 

Believe in one thing, time will heal everything.

Good luck, hope to see you well soon.

[thedreg]

gonna be real honest i skimmed.. but i get the jist happened to me too.. same thing, the distance the women folk start. .they do this when someone else has their attention.. did she give you the "he's just a friend" line?

 

trust me.. you're better off without her.. cut her off , throw everything that had anything to do with her away, delete her email and phone number ..

 

it sucks i know.. its six months NC for me after a 3 year relationship.. it still gets to me sometimes. .. but it will get better ...

 

my advise .. stay home for a whole weekend.. pick up a bottle of your favorite poison and the hank Williams box set( even if you dont like this kind of music.. you'll instantly relate i promise) , don't drive dont answer the phone dont make phone calls, infact give the phone to a friend so you dont drunk dial her... this helped me

tremendously..

 

you sound like a good guy man.. im a "nice guy" too, dont give up on that. .one of these days we'll meet someone who will appreciate that. . and you're right.. after that long you at least deserve a goodbye and an honest explanation.. i would demand one from her.. that way you can start healing , i know closure is a cliche but its necessary..

Edited May 13, 2010 by thedreg

[Tiredguy]

Speaking of the "nice guy" thing...nice guys get dropped on a whim it seems, for other men, the "bad boys", and those bad boys are the ones that break the women's hearts.

 

I am a nice guy, and I did everything to make her happy. She barely put any effort in to the relationship..hell even when she dumped me she put no effort into it...just walked away without saying a word to me.

 

Anyway, I don't want to hear from her. I still hurt over it, but that's probably because despite it all I do still love her. I honestly just want her out of my head, and out of my heart. As far as she goes, I want nothing to do with her.

[Tiredguy]

Wow, that video describes my ex to a T..she is most definitely a puppet mistress. Everything in that first list was true to the letter, its kind of scary lol. The hot and cold emotional output...seriously for five and a half years I still never knew exactly where I stood, and I was constantly on eggshells.

 

That video might also describe why i'm hurting inside even though I feel that I don't want anything to do with her anymore. Was I addicted to her emotional rollercoaster ride?

[Cory_4u]

I have got to know, what game did you meet her off of?

 

This has GOT to be the weirdest story I've read in awhile. You met online, playing a game, emotionally had sex via Voice chat. Cyber sex, what have you.

 

You have seen her one time in person, more than probably ****ed her half a dozen times within those 5 days, and you have been going back and forth with this for five and a half years.

 

Its just Crazy!!! I think..Maybe, you should focus on finding someone close to your direct area, maybe someone you work with? Go out and have some drinks. Or find someone who likes to play videogames too and play some you know?

 

Go after a girl who likes the same **** as you, but try to find someone that you can see face to face, who knows, you might have more fun doing that sort of thing:bunny:

[Cassablanca]

I cannot help but be drawn to your story because I feel like I've seen it/heard it all before.

 

I know the whole online relationship thing baffles a lot of people. But it is still an awfully real situation.

In the world of online games, dating is most certainly different to the whole match.com thing, or any other online dating. Because when you play an online game, you don't play to meet your future wife do you? You're there to play! If you do end up liking someone in the game, it always happens unexpectedly, and consequently gives you a little something extra to look forward to in the game. So not only do you exchange messages/emails or use voicechat, (which is what conventional online dating is), you can 'kill monsters' and do all sorts of interactive things with this person.

 

I am 23 now and have been into online games since I was 14. I joined a 'clan' back then and are still with them to this day, so there are some long term friends I am unable to have met, but whom I consider close. Throughout the 9 years that I played this game (on and off) and been a part of this one community, I saw and experienced a lot of situations where people had their heart broken by people they met in the game, myself included.

 

I 'dated' a hot/cold guy in the game as a teenager, honestly just met him randomly one day in a virtual cave. I should have noticed the red flags, as some days he said he loved me, and some days he would yell abuse at me. I was always very levelheaded about it and calm because I knew it would be over soon and then he would say he was sorry. Back then, I really thought I was in love. I had had boyfriends in 'real life' but a very bad break up in 'real life' led me to online games in the first place. I dated a boy for 1 and a half years who was taking heroin without me knowing (I know it sounds crazy but I was young and stupid), his family called my family one day and they separated us. I also thought I was in love then. He ended up trashing me to his friends in school and it was absolute hell. I was grounded for dating him anyway so that's how I ended up playing the game a lot. The guy I met online did exactly the same thing, but trashed me to everyone I knew online. We were 'together' for almost 2 years. I didn't expect it to hurt like it did. It hurt just as bad, if not more than the previous relationship where I actually physically saw the guy. I remember crying my eyes out for days.

 

Looking back, I can't believe I ever liked him. I can't believe I even thought I was in love. He was so emotionally out of control, so many ups and downs and I never knew if it was going to be a good or bad day with him. And me? I was always constant. The other crazy and stupid thing was that I KNEW, deep down, that he was flirting with other players online and I tolerated it. The community for that game at the time was pretty small so every day was a bit of a soap opera, and sometimes I would see other female players in the game that I knew he had something going on with, and feel awkward having bumped into their damn pixels! It was ridiculous.

 

Now the game has blown up so big, many of those players are gone, but somehow I stuck around on and off. During that time I saw friends/clanmates etc. get themselves into their own relationship trouble. I noticed a real trend. Such as, one person always being emotionally unstable. I found that often, the female was a much older lady, and the guy was usually a young teenager, which of course is scandalous in the 'real world'. When I did my art degree, I did a project on the politics of online games, so used my clan as research. I listened to my friend on teamspeak/ventrilo (forgot which) explain to me how gut wrenching it is for him to be so far away from the woman he loved (he was 18 at the time and she was 43). They were both leaders of our clan at the time. Now, she is in a relationship with another friend from our clan who flew over to Australia to be with her, so that crushed him. Of course, that didn't last because she too, was 'emotionally unstable'.

 

I guess what I wanted to get at was, online dating having met in a game can be just as painful, whether you get to physically meet them or not. But I wouldn't ever recommend it. I only know of one happy ending where 2 people in my clan met and got married and now have children.

 

It will take time to heal. The good news is that you WILL get over it - it is really just a matter of time. I understand that this has been going on for 5 years, which is longer than I had experienced it, (and I do take into account the fact you're an adult and I was just a teen back then), but you might look back on it exactly the way I did.

I met my current boyfriend 5 years ago and have been with him ever since. And I finally know what love is. He respected me the way I respected him. And he is constant, none of those emotional rollercoasters! This is why I thought it was crazy I believed I ever thought I loved those guys before. When you experience that, (and I hope that you will someday) then you'll know what I mean.

 

It is okay to miss her. It is even okay to hold onto the good memories, such as the magical week you guys had when you physically saw her. Even now, I can say I miss the good times with the previous guys. But the bad memories are the reason why we got here in the first place.