Dating someone who was the Long-term OW...

[White Flower]

I think the major reason is that usually people don't want to see affairs and unfaithfulness and covetiousness succeed. You may say it is love, but for others it isn't only love, but also hurt for the wife, break code of honor, I guess most of people still want the ideal: faithfulness, boundaries, integrity....that kind of thing

Thank you for your honest post Lovelybird.

 

The thing you seem to focus on an awful lot is covetousness and I'm not sure how often that really exists in affairs. At least not in the heart of women.

 

I'm pretty sure men still chase women for the most part; therefore, most men are covetors whereas women are usually chased and are not neccessarily the covettesses. People can't steal people so to covet is a very old-fashioned label in our society today. I'm sure it happens, but I don't think it is the norm.

[Lovelybird]

Thank you for your honest post Lovelybird.

 

The thing you seem to focus on an awful lot is covetousness and I'm not sure how often that really exists in affairs. At least not in the heart of women.

 

I'm pretty sure men still chase women for the most part; therefore, most men are covetors whereas women are usually chased and are not neccessarily the covettesses. People can't steal people so to covet is a very old-fashioned label in our society today. I'm sure it happens, but I don't think it is the norm.

Whatever you call it, WF. You may indulge in the love world, being achor and support of the man you love, but a more bigger picture, he originally belongs to another woman, vowed his vows and said he would be faithful to her and take care of her. In the end, your love for the married man break the honor code, and you don't respect this woman's boundaries. Even if every one of us is capable of doing this, we don't necessarily think this is ok and applaud for it, we still have ideals, for ourselves and others.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Lovelybird

[White Flower]

Whatever you call it, WF. You may indulge in the love world, being achor and support of the man you love, but a more bigger picture, he originally belongs to another woman, vowed his vows and said he would be faithful to her and take care of her. In the end, your love for the married man break the honor code, and you don't respect this woman's boundaries. Even if every one of us is capable of doing this, we don't necessarily think this is ok and applaud for it, we still have ideals, for ourselves and others.

You have the right to believe in what you want. He did this to his W so I think your issue should really be with him, THAT is the real honor code because HE made the vows, then let his love for me break them. But as you know, I wasn't the first and who knows if I'll be the last. You'll have to hold quite a few of us responsible, if that is still your belief, in that partcular M.

[Lovelybird]

You have the right to believe in what you want. He did this to his W so I think your issue should really be with him, THAT is the real honor code because HE made the vows, then let his love for me break them. But as you know, I wasn't the first and who knows if I'll be the last. You'll have to hold quite a few of us responsible, if that is still your belief, in that partcular M.

I will absolutely hold the MM responsible, he is the first to be called on these crimes. But you have the choice to say NO in the first place, you played an active role, not a passive one.

 

Do I wish you have a happy love life? Yes. Do I wish you have a happy love affair with a married man? NO. This is generally what people think

[jennie-jennie]

but you did choose another unavailable man and forsake your dear husband, didn't you?

 

The lifetime of that relationship was up. I believe in serial monogamy. Relationships seldom last forever. Even before MM contacted me, I had told my SO I would be looking for a more compatible match. (But I still had the hots for him. )

[Toodamnpragmatic]

WF Post 17 of your thread on OW/OM:

 

You're right Greengoddess, I know very well that I could have a normal date like that with a new guy. I get approached all the time. Heck, I could call three different guys right now and have that date tonight if I wanted it but you know how it goes, my heart just isn't there.

 

So as said I don't know your story, that you are an older lady (50+?) and everything you went through.... I just read the post and a few pages and saw what to me was the genesis of this thread.... A woman putting an Affair Partner on a pedestal, that no regular relationship can compete with. Heck if you can put up with being the other woman, empty promises, fleeting moments together, knowing he is going home to his spouse and family and probably sleeping with her, I really struggle wondering how a normal relationship would work.

 

Heck as much as I am against affairs, I can understand them and even I shrug my shoulders about Ashely Madison as they at least purport to be honest.

 

In any case I pictured you as a successful attractive woman, but certainly would not be able to woo you after what you've been through with a married man, because I doubt a "normal" single guy could bring the passion, excitement and the romanticism women involved in LTR's with married men are looking for.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wonder who called that one off anyway. I was enjoying it quite truthfully. So many people came to my defense.

 

birds of a feather.........

 

Oh, and there is no need to call out anyone's behavior Dex. We live in the US, not Iran where they have enlisted Morals Police.

 

ah the melodrama. calling out bad behavior is not denying anyone anything, or choice for that matter. it is your choice to treat someone else with utter disrespect by sleeping with their husband and belching the beauty of the affair:rolleyes:

 

 

They closed your thread because you ignored the TOS and tried to use a public forum to destroy someone.

 

oh please, destroy someone, give me a break. as if a thread conveying disgust over what someone is saying in any way compares to the actions of said person.

 

destroy someone, thats laughable.

 

 

You didn't think the haters would read it in the OW/OM forum so you took it somewhere that you thought people would not only read it but become inflamed about it.

 

what I'd like to know is, why is it ok for people to offend in the OW/OM forum and feel that people that don't agree with them should stay out, but the same isn't afforded in the infidelity section? hmmmmm....

 

thats why I didn't post in OW/OM...2 reasons, one, I feel that the infidelity forum is more for people that have been betrayed...this is something we are told time and time again in the OW/OM forum that if we don't like it, stay out....ok...so I stay out.

 

so if someone doesn't like whats in the infidelity forum, shouldn't the same apply?

 

 

That made me even happier about my defenders.

 

again, birds of a feather

 

 

I'm sorry you stew in your hate.

 

nice try pumpkin

[Dexter Morgan]

I will absolutely hold the MM responsible, he is the first to be called on these crimes. But you have the choice to say NO in the first place, you played an active role, not a passive one.

 

oh but they justify it to the hills with bunk like:

 

"I owe nothing to their spouse" (apparently that goes for decency as well)

 

"If it wasn't me it would just be someone else, so why not??"

 

and other gems

 

Absolutely the married party is the most to blame, but that does not absolve the OW/OM of despicable behavior.

[Dexter Morgan]

WF Post 17 of your thread on OW/OM:

 

You're right Greengoddess, I know very well that I could have a normal date like that with a new guy. I get approached all the time. Heck, I could call three different guys right now and have that date tonight if I wanted it but you know how it goes, my heart just isn't there.

 

 

ouch! in other words, "I could have an unattached man, it is my choice to bed down one that is married."

 

kind of blows the whole "I didn't choose this for myself" line doesn't it?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

ouch! in other words, "I could have an unattached man, it is my choice to bed down one that is married."

 

kind of blows the whole "I didn't choose this for myself" line doesn't it?

 

I think powerful, successful male with an unhappy sex life at home carrying on an affair with a gorgeous/smart/intelligent/confident woman that is all highs in the bedroom, travel (often done on the road in hotels), meals.....

 

Is that the case??? Yes I understand no, but that is what I think of especially of these LTR's...

[aerogurl87]

I personally don't see why anyone would go after someone who was married if they were single. Why settle for breadcrumbs when you can go find a whole meal elsewhere? There is more than one person out there who you could fall madly in love with, and I'm sure they all aren't married.

[reboot]

Bitterness is not pretty.

[OWoman]

In any case I pictured you as a successful attractive woman, but certainly would not be able to woo you after what you've been through with a married man, because I doubt a "normal" single guy could bring the passion, excitement and the romanticism women involved in LTR's with married men are looking for.

 

TDP - I've had a LTR with a MM. I'm now boringly M. And you know what? My "normal" H brings the same level of passion, excitement and romanticism to the R that he did when he happened to be M to someone else.

 

Believe me, it's the GUY that matters in determining whether that fizz is there or not - not his marital status.

[OWoman]

I personally don't see why anyone would go after someone who was married if they were single. Why settle for breadcrumbs when you can go find a whole meal elsewhere?

 

Not every A involves breadcrumbs (or, if there are breadcrumbs, sometimes it's the BW and not the OW getting them).

 

But sometimes, even breadcrumbs from the love of one's life can seem better than a 5 course meal from some dude you don't have the same chemistry with. I'd rather have Ottolenghi breadcrumbs than a 5 course MacDonald's "meal", for example. Quality matters to me rather than quantity. (I was lucky in that I got both.)

 

There is more than one person out there who you could fall madly in love with, and I'm sure they all aren't married.

 

That's a matter of dispute. If you have lived your entire life - decades and decades - and suddenly meet "The One"... you're less likely to think, hey, I only waited, say, 45 years, for this - but, shrug, he's M, so I'll let him pass and wait another 45 years for the next guy who makes my heart fly.

[White Flower]

WF Post 17 of your thread on OW/OM:

 

You're right Greengoddess, I know very well that I could have a normal date like that with a new guy. I get approached all the time. Heck, I could call three different guys right now and have that date tonight if I wanted it but you know how it goes, my heart just isn't there.

 

So as said I don't know your story, that you are an older lady (50+?) and everything you went through.... I just read the post and a few pages and saw what to me was the genesis of this thread.... A woman putting an Affair Partner on a pedestal, that no regular relationship can compete with. Heck if you can put up with being the other woman, empty promises, fleeting moments together, knowing he is going home to his spouse and family and probably sleeping with her, I really struggle wondering how a normal relationship would work.

 

Heck as much as I am against affairs, I can understand them and even I shrug my shoulders about Ashely Madison as they at least purport to be honest.

 

In any case I pictured you as a successful attractive woman, but certainly would not be able to woo you after what you've been through with a married man, because I doubt a "normal" single guy could bring the passion, excitement and the romanticism women involved in LTR's with married men are looking for.

Oh, ok. I thought it was you who said you couldn't get passed the first page, sorry.

 

I'm a little younger than that but who's counting? Most certainly a normal guy could woo me if he wanted to. As long as there is chemistry and sincere interest I'm up for it. You read a post that stated my frame of mind in that moment and it's true, my heart is/was tied up with my MM. Maybe I'll get over him soon, maybe I won't but you can bet I won't be finding any other MM alluring.

 

There are plenty of characteristics of SGs that are alluring too you know. Again, there will have to be chemistry and hopefully intimacy and the biggest of all...love. It just so happens that my heart isn't yet untangled with a MM's heart. I pray it untangles soon.

[White Flower]

birds of a feather.........

Most of those birds were BS. That's what I loved about that thread.

what I'd like to know is, why is it ok for people to offend in the OW/OM forum and feel that people that don't agree with them should stay out, but the same isn't afforded in the infidelity section? hmmmmm....

It's not ok to offend anyone in any forum. But it is ok to defend onself.

thats why I didn't post in OW/OM...2 reasons, one, I feel that the infidelity forum is more for people that have been betrayed...this is something we are told time and time again in the OW/OM forum that if we don't like it, stay out....ok...so I stay out.

 

so if someone doesn't like whats in the infidelity forum, shouldn't the same apply?

Read above.

nice try pumpkin

I love it when you call me pumpkin.

[White Flower]

ouch! in other words, "I could have an unattached man, it is my choice to bed down one that is married."

 

kind of blows the whole "I didn't choose this for myself" line doesn't it?

What's that quote I hear BS say all the time? You can't choose who you love?

 

Well that quote is true for everyone, not just BS.

 

Dex, you wanted your W to love you and only bed you down right? How am I supposed to just go and bed down some guy just because he is S and I have his attention? If you were that S guy and my heart was with someone else would you want me to just jump in your bed? Maybe that works for men, but not for women. I hope to get over MM soon but you can't blame my heart for still being there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Most of those birds were BS. That's what I loved about that thread.

 

ya, I bet. I would also bet that not a one of them would have thought your affair with someone elses husband was a beautiful thing, if they themselves have not cheated or been the OW/OM at some point.

[White Flower]

Bitterness is not pretty.

No it isn't and it will eat you alive if you allow it to.

[White Flower]

Believe me, it's the GUY that matters in determining whether that fizz is there or not - not his marital status.

True.

Not every A involves breadcrumbs (or, if there are breadcrumbs, sometimes it's the BW and not the OW getting them).

 

But sometimes, even breadcrumbs from the love of one's life can seem better than a 5 course meal from some dude you don't have the same chemistry with. I'd rather have Ottolenghi breadcrumbs than a 5 course MacDonald's "meal", for example. Quality matters to me rather than quantity. (I was lucky in that I got both.)

 

So true. Hopefully I will get that from a SG next time round, that is, if he's up to the job. (Sorry TDP, I just had to say it.)

 

That's a matter of dispute. If you have lived your entire life - decades and decades - and suddenly meet "The One"... you're less likely to think, hey, I only waited, say, 45 years, for this - but, shrug, he's M, so I'll let him pass and wait another 45 years for the next guy who makes my heart fly.

That's how it feels right about now.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, you wanted your W to love you and only bed you down right?

 

no....I wanted her to bed down every guy she saw:rolleyes:

 

 

 

How am I supposed to just go and bed down some guy just because he is S and I have his attention?

 

 

you are suppose to find someone that isn't married and simply finds another woman exciting because it isn't the same woman he has had sex with for so many years.

 

 

If you were that S guy and my heart was with someone else would you want me to just jump in your bed?

 

oh please, millions of men out there and your heart is with one married guy? So you are telling us your heart is with a jackass that would cheat on his wife thinking that you would have been something special and that he'd never cheat on you if he found himself divorced?

Edited May 14, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[OWoman]

ya, I bet. I would also bet that not a one of them would have thought your affair with someone elses husband was a beautiful thing, if they themselves have not cheated or been the OW/OM at some point.

 

The thread is dead and buried, but IIRC a good many of those BSs had not been WSs or OWs before, but simply BSs.

[OWoman]

you are suppose to find someone that isn't married and simply finds another woman exciting because it isn't the same woman he has had sex with for so many years.

 

So, you're saying WF could have been any old dog and he'd still have found her exciting? Come on - not all men are that lacking in discrimination! WF is HOT - and his reasons for finding her exciting had far more to do with that than with the Coolidge factor...

[Dexter Morgan]

So, you're saying WF could have been any old dog and he'd still have found her exciting?

 

no, but any one of tons of women out there who are simply attractive enough that is willing to sleep with a married man.

 

when did I say anything about being a dog? even cheaters looking for strange have standards I suppose.

[White Flower]

So, you're saying WF could have been any old dog and he'd still have found her exciting? Come on - not all men are that lacking in discrimination! WF is HOT - and his reasons for finding her exciting had far more to do with that than with the Coolidge factor...

Aw thank you OWoman! I think you're quite hot too;)