My wife's confession

[Chrome Barracuda]

Now that's what I'm F-ING ralking about!!!!

 

You hit hard and fast. the choice is hers! how doesnt she know who she slept with, that's bull****! she knows she just chooses to forget. She knows because of what she said she's trying to hide it from you. Period!

[Church Bells]

She told me more. She actually isn't sure who it was. She thinks she was introduced to the guy at sometime during the night, and then when leaving, when her friends were basically all gone he swooped in and she liked the thrill of it and was drunk enough to do it.

 

I hope you realize that this is a BALD FACED LIE!!!

 

She knows who it was, and she's trying to protect him and their relationship. It's called GASLIGHTING ... Don't fall for it!!!

 

OBVIOUSLY, she knows who it is or she wouldn't have admitted:

 

The one person in her group of friend who actually knows about this called her stupid for doing it.

 

THAT person knows who it is and so does your WW ... even if she didn't know who it was at the time, which none of us believe BTW.

 

Your WW needs to answer one question RIGHT NOW ... POINT BLANK ... NO WAFFLING ... Who is the OM???

 

Any answer other than his name and contact info (you realize they have remained in contact don't you?) is UNACCEPTABLE to you as the BH (Betrayed Husband).

 

THEN she needs to make a committment to YOU or her new lifestyle ... you DESERVE to know where you stand RIGHT NOW!!!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

She actually isn't sure who it was.

 

Holy cow.......

 

Don't accept her lies.

 

Tell her straight up.....YOU ARE SO FULL OF ****. DO YOU THINK I AM AN IDIOT?

 

Dude.....I am a recovering alcoholic.....the blackout kind. I know EVERY person I had sex with.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she is protecting the guy's identity with a lame lie like that, then it is likely that it has been going on for longer than you think, and is still going on.

 

I hate to say it, but the first truth is never the whole truth. You probably won't get the whole story for months. It goes something like this:

 

1. We flirted.

2. Ok, I lied - we kissed.

3. Well, I have to admit we actually had oral sex.

4. We had sex but it meant nothing and it was only once.

5. We had sex 'x' number of times but we were drunk.

6. We had sex 'x' number of times but it is over, I swear.

7. Ok, we have sex all the time and we are still seeing each other but I swear I'll cut it off.

8. ... and so on.

 

You want to see something startling? Tell her that you made an appointment with your lawyer for her to have a lie detector test. Hell, you may as well make the appointment, not tell her and only tell her as you are driving there.

 

You are more than likely going to get the truth ONLY when the truth is unavoidable. If there is any wiggle room for lies, that is what you will get.

Edited May 12, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[jnj express]

The guy swooped down on her and took her, a complete stranger, ---what was she thinking about, even if she wasn't happy with you---she has 4 kids, she knew that their lives will now never be the same, especially since some of them have problems---is that kid now gonna do better in a possible split home----what the H*LL is she thinking.

 

She needs to stop all of this outside physical activity---she obviously gets turned on by it, and can't control herself---If she wants to work out--get her the equipment to use at home---then she has no excuse to go out and cheat with other men.---Karate is close body contact, and she is getting turned on---Karate needs to stop.

 

You are in a mge., where the passion has cooled, it takes hard work to keep it going at a high level of passion, but the 2 partners can do the things necessary, and mge. does work after many years---but it takes talking, and communication---not running out and immediately getting drunk, and spreaing your legs for strangers.

 

Dictate your terms---no pussyfooting around----You need boundaries with dealbreaker consequences put in place right NOW. No open mge., that doesn't work for your kids---If she can't handle that leave her be, and start a new life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I concur with what everyone said here. she's lying!

[DadofTwoGirls]

Dump the *****...you deserve better or are you gonna wimp and crawl in a hole..it's okay to be enraged..you have the evidence right in your face!!!..why would you even want to be with her?...you don't..it's natural to feel all the emotions right now but you'll get over most of them except the one about kicking his a$$ or hers (but don't do that:o)..it will forever be engraved in your mind..sorry but that pigeon has left the coop for a hawk...BECOME THE HAWK!!!...let everyone you know she is that way!!!

[Fight4Me]

I agree she's not being honest, and you shouldn't ignore your gut.

 

There are several people who say to dump her and move on, but anyone who has invested so many years in a marriage, have children, and had a good marriage before the WS took a massive left turn, it's a lot easier said than done. I say, there's still hope, especially if your response to her betrayal is complete intolerance and you set clear boundaries with unwaivering consequences. See my earlier post for better context.

 

You were swift with the lawyer, which was excellent. There's a lot of good advice in this thread, so put it into action in order to protect yourself and your children. Your marriage may very well come to an end, but if your wife shows true remorse (not just regret), then it can still be saved with enough hard work. Each situation is different, and each person has their absolute deal breakers, I just hate to see another possible "good thing" fall victim to infidelity.

 

Let us know how you're doing.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree she's not being honest, and you shouldn't ignore your gut.

 

There are several people who say to dump her and move on, but anyone who has invested so many years in a marriage, have children, and had a good marriage before the WS took a massive left turn, it's a lot easier said than done.

 

not for me, it was easier to get rid of someone I no longer could trust than to trap myself in a marriage with that person.

 

I can only imagine the kind of stress and crap I'd put up with if I had stayed married. I'd have only done it for the kids. But life is too short to be married to a cheater.

 

Sure, getting divorce was hard, but staying in the marriage would have been an inner hell for me. I imagine alot of people, however, choose the inner hell and stay for all the wrong reasons that they think are right.

[Cinnamon2000]

That cheating wife of yours is lying. She knows who it is and it's more than one time thing.

 

Do not fall for that!

[Hot Carl]

This probably will all sound like platitudes, but it's the rare person who can remain faithful and committed over decades. People change, and they are more likely to grow apart than together. It's a shame, because someone ends up getting betrayed.

 

Bitching about cheating has been going on for tens of thousands of years, but the rate of extramarital affairs has probably gone up over time, not down. So proclaiming it to be wrong and sinful is clearly not productive.

 

On the one hand what she did was wrong. But on the other she's just doing what people do. Every decision is a cost-benefit decision and it never fails that people don't estimate either the costs or the benefits of their actions very well. It seems a bit unfair to expect her to get it right when you see other good people everywhere screwing up just as bad.

 

So you might have expected more out of her than the average person, but should you have? Maybe the problem is not the action, but the expectations. I think the ones who are most bitter and vindictive about it, like Dexter, are the ones who made the mistake of expecting more.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This probably will all sound like platitudes, but it's the rare person who can remain faithful and committed over decades. People change, and they are more likely to grow apart than together. It's a shame, because someone ends up getting betrayed.

 

Bitching about cheating has been going on for tens of thousands of years, but the rate of extramarital affairs has probably gone up over time, not down. So proclaiming it to be wrong and sinful is clearly not productive.

 

On the one hand what she did was wrong. But on the other she's just doing what people do. Every decision is a cost-benefit decision and it never fails that people don't estimate either the costs or the benefits of their actions very well. It seems a bit unfair to expect her to get it right when you see other good people everywhere screwing up just as bad.

 

So you might have expected more out of her than the average person, but should you have? Maybe the problem is not the action, but the expectations. I think the ones who are most bitter and vindictive about it, like Dexter, are the ones who made the mistake of expecting more.

 

Wow, this sounds like a pile of Grade A horse manure!

 

So what your saying is that, since no one male or female spouse can measure up to one partners expectations over time. so if that's the case what your basically saying is that we shouldnt be faithful in our relationships or marriage, or better yet why get married? Right!?

 

Mayn, sit yo' dumbazz down! lol.

[Hot Carl]

Wow, this sounds like a pile of Grade A horse manure!

 

So what your saying is that, since no one male or female spouse can measure up to one partners expectations over time. so if that's the case what your basically saying is that we shouldnt be faithful in our relationships or marriage, or better yet why get married? Right!?

 

Mayn, sit yo' dumbazz down! lol.

 

I'm not saying she cheated because he didn't meet her expectations. I'm saying that she was more likely to cheat at some point than not, and the pain comes from the expectation that it wouldn't happen. The pain always comes from that.

 

And you can stick your horse manure back where it came from: your ass.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Listen man, it could have went either way, he was strong enough to resist screwing someone else. Even the nerd who marries his high school sweetheart gets into temptation. It's up to that person to be strong and resist and remain true to their words in the face of it. despite it all...

 

Dont come on here, and say the pain came from the idea that it wouldnt happen. WTf does marriage vows say: forsaking all others???

 

Or did we gloss over that during the cerimony.

 

Like i said before.

 

Sit yo' simple dumbazz down...

 

thank you.

[Hot Carl]

 

Sit yo' simple dumbazz down...

 

thank you.

 

You should show more respect.

 

If I wanted to have this discussion with you (which I kind of do, but not at the expense of derailing the thread) you'd feel used up and sore after it was over. And regretful. Like the sheep you keep in your backyard feels after you sneak out there on Friday nights.

 

As far as your flimsy point about wedding vows goes: no sh*t. There would be no need to make vows if it wasn't in people's nature to break them in the first place. Doesn't that just make them worthless in the end? Because look what happens. Even to the best. I'm sure that gets at the heart of why you're on LS making a fool out of yourself on the Infidelity forum. Right?

 

It wouldn't bother me if we just agreed to disagree at this point. After a tiring week I'm finding your cheesy white-boy eubonics hard to stomach.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Hot Carl

[Chrome Barracuda]

You should show more respect.

 

If I wanted to have this discussion with you (which I kind of do, but not at the expense of derailing the thread) you'd feel used up and sore after it was over. And regretful. Like the sheep you keep in your backyard feels after you sneak out there on Friday nights.

 

As far as your flimsy point about wedding vows goes: no sh*t. There would be no need to make vows if it wasn't in people's nature to break them in the first place. Doesn't that just make them worthless in the end? Because look what happens. Even to the best. I'm sure that gets at the heart of why you're on LS making a fool out of yourself on the Infidelity forum. Right?

 

It wouldn't bother me if we just agreed to disagree at this point. After a tiring week I'm finding your cheesy white-boy eubonics hard to stomach.

 

The only thing that's sore is your momma coochie after im done with it! lmao!

 

And i live in the hood, aint no sheep in my yards, you inbred.... lol.

 

I dont make a fool outta myself i simply state my opnions, take it or leave it.

 

And...who said i was white????

 

WTF? lmbao!!!

[Hot Carl]

The only thing that's sore is your momma coochie after im done with it! lmao!

 

And i live in the hood, aint no sheep in my yards, you inbred.... lol.

 

I dont make a fool outta myself i simply state my opnions, take it or leave it.

 

And...who said i was white????

 

WTF? lmbao!!!

 

It makes no difference to me what color you are. I'm just saying you come off like a white guy trying to talk like a black guy. Maybe that's just how it all looks on a pink website. Anyway, you'd be more fun to argue with if you were funny. Momma jokes usually get all worn out in middle school. Like your mommas coochie did.

 

If you can't manage to be funny, then at least you could have a point.

 

Don't ever tell me to sit my "dumbazz" down again. If you want me to "take or leave" your opinions, then you owe the same to me.

[Lovelybird]

We had the chat last night. She told me more. She actually isn't sure who it was. She thinks she was introduced to the guy at sometime during the night, and then when leaving, when her friends were basically all gone he swooped in and she liked the thrill of it and was drunk enough to do it. I'm paraphrasing here, so don't read too much into the way I write it. The one person in her group of friend who actually knows about this called her stupid for doing it. So, in short, she screwed a stranger, and yes...we are both going to get checked for STDs this week.

 

She feels that for the past six+ months that she's been going through the motions and doesn't feel like she loves me the same. "We've lost that spark," she said. But it isn't just emotional, she wants more out of the physical side too. I had to stop her there, because SHE hasn't taken the time to talk to me about any of this. She never made an effort to communicate directly. At home I would be physical with hugs and tender kisses and seductive moves, but she hasn't been. I told her that she is the one who hasn't been trying hard enough. She hasn't been trying to make the relationship work either on an emotional level or physical one.

 

I told her that while she is still young ad can act young, but she still needs to be a responsible adult who is married and has four kids. If there is a problem or something can be improved then she needs to communicate. I thought she had learned that from her previous counseling she had with a psychologist. We had even done a little couples counseling with that doc and practiced communication.

 

She finally broke down and showed remorse when I told her that I made an appointment with a lawyer about divorce. I think it hit home that her world and the kids' lives were about to be radically affected by her act. She started to think that she could afford to stay on island because she want to keep the good support we have for my autistic son, but I told her that it she couldn't afford to stay in Hawaii. I told her that I'd either send her and the kids home to live with her parents, or I send the kids to live with my parents on the mainland and she could do whatever she wanted to try to get by. I told her she could even go whore around downtown for all I care, but she be part of the kids' lives if she stays in Hawaii.

 

The only ultimatum I threw out there was that before any other type of relationship could even be discussed, we would need to work on our own relationship. I told her that I expect her to communicate and talk to me and that I wouldn't let her walk all over me. This is going to take some time to figure out what we really want, both for ourselves and each other, and I told her it might end up in divorce, especially if she does something even remotely like this again. She needs to accept that.

 

I no longer hold my wife on a pedestal. I guess it's a fault of human nature that we expect the people around us to have as much dedication as we have. Had my wife talked to me earlier about her feelings directly instead of veiled attempts, then this might have been avoided. This has cause me to see the whole world in a different way...my family was my rock, my anchor, and now I'm not so sure of that anchor anymore, so I'm preparing to drift at sea for a while. I also see little value in my 'stuff' anymore. I'm going to sell one of my collections and sell my stuff that I barely use anymore, and use that money to pay off some bills. I'm going to slim down my life, because this is teaching me that I can't rely on anything anymore. I can't assume that I'll still be with my wife next week, or five years from now. I can't assume that she'll continue to love me.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I don't have a lot of good friends out here yet that I can talk to and your advice has really helped me get control of my emotions, look at this practically, and start acting on it instead of doing nothing.

You are the man ! Don't let her think she can have you on her fingers, I think she was trying to test your limit, see how far you can go and compromise. I think it is great you show her

 

Your boundaries

The choices she can make

 

If she see the consequences, she may turn around, and change her behaviours, and begin to search within herself why the heck she did what she did.

 

IN NO WAY you are going to compromise to her proposal to an open marriage. If she cannot love you as she should, you have to be the one who love you. Don't compromise your self respect. You are right, there aren't things you can rely on, even people you cannot rely on. But there are solid values that you can rely on, and will carry you on a very long way and protect you.

 

This may be a struggle for a while, but I hope you will come out of this and have even better life

[jnj express]

Hey D.---This is the what your facts suggest---You have been married a while---Things sexually, and marital wise---are the same, time after time, and day after day. Boring

 

For whatever reason your wife goes to a karate class----she is made to do training fights with males, many of them younger than her, most all probably very fit. There is a whole lot of bodily contact, play fighting puts her together with these male bodies, all kinds of contact, most of it probably turning her on.

 

She now has raging hot hormones, and lust is coming out of every one of her pores. Neither of you knew this would happen when she enrolled, but happen it has.

 

I imagine somewhere after this all began came her cries for the 3 somes. She wanted to screw around with these guys in the worst way, but still had some modicum of respect. But I imagine she was giving in to her physical needs fast. You hemmed and hawed on the 3 somes----she started hanging out with these younger guys and girls, getting drunk, and bingo, she has sex.

 

She may be in her 30's but she is immature---doesn't think of consequences, and so you are now in this situation.

 

Where you go from here is up to you----She knew she had young children, some with special needs---but she didn't care---her lust won out.

 

 

She will do this again, if you are not extremely hard on her this time. If you want to R. your mge., you know what has to be done. All contact with the karate school, and everyone in it stops NOW. She is transparent she stays home, going out only with you. She is very remorseful, and contrite. All electronics are taken from her.

 

If these thing can't be done by her----give her a divorce declaration, and the want ads, cut off all her finances---and tell her to see if her young karate buddies, can take care of her.----You watch how fast she straightens up---question is do you really even want her back ????????

[Steadfast]

 

There would be no need to make vows if it wasn't in people's nature to break them in the first place.

 

 

You're right...sort of. Perhaps it is best to say the temptation to cheat is human nature; the rebellion, the self-satisfyingly destruction, the taboo nature of the act and the (short term) excitement it causes.

 

 

Doesn't that just make them worthless in the end?

 

 

Using your reasoning there would be no need to shower, sweep the floor or spend energy keeping something clean and healthy. Pure. True, thoughts preclude actions but putting those thoughts into action is what separates the faithful from the unfaithful. That's where wisdom comes in I think, and genuine love. True love won't allow it. What is your response to this?

[Holding-On]

Right now, you're in a traumatic state of shock. It is normal for a newly BS (betrayed spouse) to want so desperately to hold on to their spouse and to have everything go back to the way things were, that they even consider compromising their own values. DON'T DO IT! And whatever you do, don't make any major decisions (like going back in the military) until this is completely sorted out in your mind and heart, which can take a very very long time. Your kids need you right now, and given your wife's destructive path, you are going to need to be the one to protect them.

 

Hogwash on homeschooling being the cause of her cheating. I homeschooled, with no help, for several years, and I didn't go out and F people at the gym. There are healthy ways to combat change and loneliness, and then there are unhealthy ways (your wife). That doesn't mean she's lost to you, though. Be firm with the moral boundaries, and definitely go 180 to shake here out of this fog. Get into counseling, and maybe there will need to be some changes in schooling or home life, but for now, she can't see the gigantic cliff looming up ahead, nor can she see the path of destruction she has left in her wake.

 

Getting to a lawyer is good. Start there, and then go counseling.

 

Good luck. My fWH and I are in solid reconciliation, so there's plenty of hope... just hang in there. Force yourself to eat something and drink plenty of water, too.

 

This is good advice. So many people jump on you for "being a doormat" but you see it is pretty common. You were in shock. So forgive yourself and move on.

 

It does seem like it happened out of the blue. While the manner in which she presents it is rather blunt, you may find Michelle Langley's book and website informative. Many women do not recognize or handle the hormonal change of the thirties well (as you see).

(http://www.womensinfidelity.com/)

 

I am, myself, in an open marriage, open from the start. This scenario that you find yourself in is what we polyamorists classically call - "relationship broken, add more people". Not. a. good. idea.

Fix yourselves first.

[Hot Carl]

You're right...sort of. Perhaps it is best to say the temptation to cheat is human nature; the rebellion, the self-satisfyingly destruction, the taboo nature of the act and the (short term) excitement it causes.

 

Using your reasoning there would be no need to shower, sweep the floor or spend energy keeping something clean and healthy. Pure. True, thoughts preclude actions but putting those thoughts into action is what separates the faithful from the unfaithful. That's where wisdom comes in I think, and genuine love. True love won't allow it. What is your response to this?

 

I guess the way I see it is that we should try and make vows and fall in love and all the rest. But it seems almost naive anymore to express shock when cheating happens. I'd think it wouldn't be such a surprise. It happens in the best of relationships, and it is done by those who are most trusted. It's the story of humanity, and some people keep acting like they think they can beat it.

 

Carrying around a load of bitterness like some do here, just shows me people had their expectations thrown back in their faces. And they're still hanging on in spite of centuries of evidence and trends showing this isn't ever going to change.

 

You might as well hate all dogs for the fact yours crapped on the floor. Nearly all of them do it sooner or later. They'll be doing it until the end of time. Thinking your dog won't just because you got it was young and it acts like it adores you is just going to make it harder to take when it happens. The smart owner will have the carpet cleaner in the cabinet.

 

The original poster seems to have a good attitude about it.

[on1wheel]

I normally read all the other posts 1st, then decide to add if no one else posts a similar comment, but I don't have the time today.

Here it is...DO NOT feel as if you should have cheated just because she did. Your W has no morals, yet lots of excuses...cheaters always do. That is how they justify the horrible things they do.

You are a man of honour & deserve a better woman. If you are bent on staying with her be prepared for a lot more cheating...not to mention the stuff she hasn't confessed to. She only told you when caught; even then she's not telling you all of it.

My guess is the night she got drunk & had sex it was with more than 1 guy...hence the sudden interest in group sex.

You are dealing with the type of person that will take what they feel they are entitled to, regardless of the pain it causes others. I should know...I am married to one as well. Mine waited til' she was caught, then coughed up all the details...as far as I can tell.

We had a small baby, so she didn't want me to divorce her. She made all the same promises ALL caught cheaters make & so far she has kept all of them.

So here I am 2.5 yrs out, everything seems fantastic...so why do I still suffer horribly everyday? That's because cheaters not only betray our trust, they betray our faith in mankind. I figure if someone can say they are in-love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you,

That they made promises in front of God & family to forsake ALL others bla, bla, bla; well then what hope should I have for those that have made no such promises to me?

Anyway, back to your problems. Can U be happy sharing your wife? Can U live with the fact that she may begin to develop deep feelings for some of these other men?

I wish you well & I am sorry for your pain. It's no wonder people don't want to get married anymore. I know that I NEVER will get remarried if things don't work out.

[Lovelybird]

This probably will all sound like platitudes, but it's the rare person who can remain faithful and committed over decades. People change, and they are more likely to grow apart than together. It's a shame, because someone ends up getting betrayed.

 

Bitching about cheating has been going on for tens of thousands of years, but the rate of extramarital affairs has probably gone up over time, not down. So proclaiming it to be wrong and sinful is clearly not productive.

 

On the one hand what she did was wrong. But on the other she's just doing what people do. Every decision is a cost-benefit decision and it never fails that people don't estimate either the costs or the benefits of their actions very well. It seems a bit unfair to expect her to get it right when you see other good people everywhere screwing up just as bad.

 

So you might have expected more out of her than the average person, but should you have? Maybe the problem is not the action, but the expectations. I think the ones who are most bitter and vindictive about it, like Dexter, are the ones who made the mistake of expecting more.

Will you cheat one day, Hot Carl?

[Steadfast]

 

...it seems almost naive anymore to express shock when cheating happens. I'd think it wouldn't be such a surprise. It happens in the best of relationships, and it is done by those who are most trusted. It's the story of humanity, and some people keep acting like they think they can beat it...

 

 

It seems to me your issue here isn't with fidelity Carl, but trust. At any rate, I can't help but feel you've got your standards set pretty low.

 

It would seem impossible to argue against the facts as you present them, except for one critical thing; I didn't cheat. If I have this figured correctly, my ex expected me not to cheat and -fighting the forces of nature and time- I somehow was able to resist. I'll add that it wasn't all that hard either, skipping the details of my possible downfall and the level of attraction at hand. I loved and adored my wife, and had just enough sense to realize the pain and burden I would cause everyone if I acted on my impulses. She obviously, felt differently and yes; I was bitterly disappointed.

 

Of course, you'll need a certain level of faith and trust to believe what I just wrote is true Carl. The cynic might believe every word is a lie, simply because there's the possibility. And not be surprised when it's proven true.

 

But, after all I've written there's a part of me that agrees with you Carl. Consider this; author Michelle Langley (Women's Infidelity) once wrote she'd rather be married to someone who knew he was capable of cheating but choose not to, than someone who would 'never do such a thing'. I think that kind of level headed honesty is refreshing and frankly, inspiring.