My wife's confession

[on1wheel]

This probably will all sound like platitudes, but it's the rare person who can remain faithful and committed over decades. People change, and they are more likely to grow apart than together. It's a shame, because someone ends up getting betrayed.

 

Bitching about cheating has been going on for tens of thousands of years, but the rate of extramarital affairs has probably gone up over time, not down. So proclaiming it to be wrong and sinful is clearly not productive.

 

On the one hand what she did was wrong. But on the other she's just doing what people do. Every decision is a cost-benefit decision and it never fails that people don't estimate either the costs or the benefits of their actions very well. It seems a bit unfair to expect her to get it right when you see other good people everywhere screwing up just as bad.

 

So you might have expected more out of her than the average person, but should you have? Maybe the problem is not the action, but the expectations. I think the ones who are most bitter and vindictive about it, like Dexter, are the ones who made the mistake of expecting more.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

What a load of BS (not betrayed spouse btw) from someone who sounds like they will justify just about any immoral act. "She's just doing what people do", that's ur response to someone that cheated on her H of 15 years, risked killing him with a disease & probably subjecting their kids (including one with autism) to a broken home?

IF you have ever been married, (which I hope is not the case) I will bet my RRSP retirement fund that ur a habitual cheater. Am I right?

What's next, someone kills someone else & yoy explain it away as "they were just doing what people have been doing for thousands of years"? You are a real piece of work

It still amazes me how people with no moral compass still mange to locate forums like this. Another thing that continues to mystify me; why don't people with no morals ever end up together? They always seem to trick a moral person into believing their BS; only to have their true deceitful nature when it's too late.

Selfishness seems to continue to know no bounds. I am disgusted...again!

[lkjh]

Shes still lying to you. Start making her feel her actions, different bank accounts and then some

[Hot Carl]

Will you cheat one day, Hot Carl?

 

I hope not, Lovelybird. I've never wanted to. But I do know one thing: the majority of people who did cheat would have said "absolutely not, never" if asked that question.

 

It seems to me your issue here isn't with fidelity Carl, but trust. At any rate, I can't help but feel you've got your standards set pretty low.

 

Are you ever really surprised to find out someone cheated? It goes on so much, but you pretend your own relationships and those of the people you know are immune? It's only the dirty, stupid other people who do it? My step-dad cheated on my mom. My uncle cheated on my aunt. A girlfriend I trusted got involved with another guy while we were together. Should I be surprised and indignant about it?

 

We should have high standards for ourselves. But when we constantly expect people to do better, and they never do, who are the unrealistic ones? The ones who gave in to their base instincts and do what people do or the people who think the fairy tale should be the norm and not the exception?

 

It would seem impossible to argue against the facts as you present them, except for one critical thing; I didn't cheat. If I have this figured correctly, my ex expected me not to cheat and -fighting the forces of nature and time- I somehow was able to resist. I'll add that it wasn't all that hard either, skipping the details of my possible downfall and the level of attraction at hand. I loved and adored my wife, and had just enough sense to realize the pain and burden I would cause everyone if I acted on my impulses. She obviously, felt differently and yes; I was bitterly disappointed.

 

I'm not saying "everyone will sooner or later". I'm saying no one should be surprised when it happens. I'm saying never say never, not even about yourself. Don't be unrealistic about what you and your mate are capable of.

 

Of course, you'll need a certain level of faith and trust to believe what I just wrote is true Carl. The cynic might believe every word is a lie, simply because there's the possibility. And not be surprised when it's proven true.

 

I believe you. For one thing, not everyone would cheat if they had the chance. And for another, when one partner cheats, then game over. You will never know what would have happened over the years to come. Maybe you would have found yourself feeling dissatisfied and ignored, stifled and resentful. Maybe you would have found yourself slowly slipping into something with someone else. Something you swore to yourself was innocent, but in the end wasn't. Don't pretend it couldn't happen. It could. Good people do it. Not only morally corrupt people.

 

But, after all I've written there's a part of me that agrees with you Carl. Consider this; author Michelle Langley (Women's Infidelity) once wrote she'd rather be married to someone who knew he was capable of cheating but choose not to, than someone who would 'never do such a thing'. I think that kind of level headed honesty is refreshing and frankly, inspiring.

 

My ex girlfriend wanted me to swear absolutely that I was incapable of it, and I did. Then she didn't believe me, so I told her everyone is. She took that as an admission that I would. I told her I wouldn't. In the end I just stopped discussing these things with her. But in my heart I knew I could and so could she. I think being honest with yourself that you could is the best way to keep it from ever happening. And being honest with yourself that your partner could is the best way to keep your sanity when/if they do it.

[Steadfast]

I think you'll be OK Carl. At this junction in life it seems wise to lean more towards cynicism than gullibility. No one likes a sucker, or a Needy Nellie.

 

Adding another thought, I never had the chance to be shocked. Her confession sent me straight from suspicion to devastation in 30-seconds. She was my love...my lover and best friend. There will not be another like her.

 

Good or bad, whatever the case may be. I'm being honest. She was mine.

 

Now that the dust has settled I've learned a lot about me...about her, and about us. I lost a considerable amount, but have kept a very important piece; my integrity. Perhaps if people knew what was at stake, they'd be less inclined to lose it. Or, is saying 'I'm sorry!' at some point held as a wild card?

[Darth Vader]

We had the chat last night. She told me more. She actually isn't sure who it was. She thinks she was introduced to the guy at sometime during the night, and then when leaving, when her friends were basically all gone he swooped in and she liked the thrill of it and was drunk enough to do it. I'm paraphrasing here, so don't read too much into the way I write it. The one person in her group of friend who actually knows about this called her stupid for doing it. So, in short, she screwed a stranger, and yes...we are both going to get checked for STDs this week.

 

She feels that for the past six+ months that she's been going through the motions and doesn't feel like she loves me the same. "We've lost that spark," she said. But it isn't just emotional, she wants more out of the physical side too. I had to stop her there, because SHE hasn't taken the time to talk to me about any of this. She never made an effort to communicate directly. At home I would be physical with hugs and tender kisses and seductive moves, but she hasn't been. I told her that she is the one who hasn't been trying hard enough. She hasn't been trying to make the relationship work either on an emotional level or physical one.

 

I told her that while she is still young ad can act young, but she still needs to be a responsible adult who is married and has four kids. If there is a problem or something can be improved then she needs to communicate. I thought she had learned that from her previous counseling she had with a psychologist. We had even done a little couples counseling with that doc and practiced communication.

 

She finally broke down and showed remorse when I told her that I made an appointment with a lawyer about divorce. I think it hit home that her world and the kids' lives were about to be radically affected by her act. She started to think that she could afford to stay on island because she want to keep the good support we have for my autistic son, but I told her that it she couldn't afford to stay in Hawaii. I told her that I'd either send her and the kids home to live with her parents, or I send the kids to live with my parents on the mainland and she could do whatever she wanted to try to get by. I told her she could even go whore around downtown for all I care, but she be part of the kids' lives if she stays in Hawaii.

 

The only ultimatum I threw out there was that before any other type of relationship could even be discussed, we would need to work on our own relationship. I told her that I expect her to communicate and talk to me and that I wouldn't let her walk all over me. This is going to take some time to figure out what we really want, both for ourselves and each other, and I told her it might end up in divorce, especially if she does something even remotely like this again. She needs to accept that.

 

I no longer hold my wife on a pedestal. I guess it's a fault of human nature that we expect the people around us to have as much dedication as we have. Had my wife talked to me earlier about her feelings directly instead of veiled attempts, then this might have been avoided. This has cause me to see the whole world in a different way...my family was my rock, my anchor, and now I'm not so sure of that anchor anymore, so I'm preparing to drift at sea for a while. I also see little value in my 'stuff' anymore. I'm going to sell one of my collections and sell my stuff that I barely use anymore, and use that money to pay off some bills. I'm going to slim down my life, because this is teaching me that I can't rely on anything anymore. I can't assume that I'll still be with my wife next week, or five years from now. I can't assume that she'll continue to love me.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I don't have a lot of good friends out here yet that I can talk to and your advice has really helped me get control of my emotions, look at this practically, and start acting on it instead of doing nothing.

 

 

Have you told your wife about all the chances that you had to screw around on her, yet didn't? I really think she needs to hear that!

 

She knows who it is, what she did, even how good the sex was. Don't let her give you the "I don't remember crap"! She's done a lot more men than this I'm afraid, and this has been going on a lot longer than she says, count on it!!

 

She's trickle truthing!

 

Your wife didn't willingly confess, you caught her out! That tells you right there that she'd still be doing the OM, she needs to hear that as well!

 

BTW, your wife should be told that she also cheated on her children as well as you.

Edited May 14, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

I normally read all the other posts 1st, then decide to add if no one else posts a similar comment, but I don't have the time today.

Here it is...DO NOT feel as if you should have cheated just because she did. Your W has no morals, yet lots of excuses...cheaters always do. That is how they justify the horrible things they do.

You are a man of honour & deserve a better woman. If you are bent on staying with her be prepared for a lot more cheating...not to mention the stuff she hasn't confessed to. She only told you when caught; even then she's not telling you all of it.

My guess is the night she got drunk & had sex it was with more than 1 guy...hence the sudden interest in group sex.

You are dealing with the type of person that will take what they feel they are entitled to, regardless of the pain it causes others. I should know...I am married to one as well. Mine waited til' she was caught, then coughed up all the details...as far as I can tell.

We had a small baby, so she didn't want me to divorce her. She made all the same promises ALL caught cheaters make & so far she has kept all of them.

So here I am 2.5 yrs out, everything seems fantastic...so why do I still suffer horribly everyday? That's because cheaters not only betray our trust, they betray our faith in mankind. I figure if someone can say they are in-love with you, that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you,

That they made promises in front of God & family to forsake ALL others bla, bla, bla; well then what hope should I have for those that have made no such promises to me?

Anyway, back to your problems. Can U be happy sharing your wife? Can U live with the fact that she may begin to develop deep feelings for some of these other men?

I wish you well & I am sorry for your pain. It's no wonder people don't want to get married anymore. I know that I NEVER will get remarried if things don't work out.

 

 

Question, what makes you think that baby's yours? Have you gotten Paternaty testing done yet?

 

But Great post!

[Darth Vader]

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What a load of BS (not betrayed spouse btw) from someone who sounds like they will justify just about any immoral act. "She's just doing what people do", that's ur response to someone that cheated on her H of 15 years, risked killing him with a disease & probably subjecting their kids (including one with autism) to a broken home?

IF you have ever been married, (which I hope is not the case) I will bet my RRSP retirement fund that ur a habitual cheater. Am I right?

What's next, someone kills someone else & yoy explain it away as "they were just doing what people have been doing for thousands of years"? You are a real piece of work

It still amazes me how people with no moral compass still mange to locate forums like this. Another thing that continues to mystify me; why don't people with no morals ever end up together? They always seem to trick a moral person into believing their BS; only to have their true deceitful nature when it's too late.

Selfishness seems to continue to know no bounds. I am disgusted...again!

 

You deserve someone much better! You know, as well as your wife:rolleyes:, that you can bail from your bad marriage at any time and there's nothing that your wife can say or do to stop you! Really, man, don't stay in a marriage that you're being tomented in! Does your wife know of all the thoughts and nightmares that you are still having? I hope it's giving her absolute HELL, in the very least! I really feel for you, man! That Sucks that you are in a position that you had no say so over, or control of, yet, you're in hell over her cheating. I hope she's hurting with great guilt and turmoil over what's she done to you!

Edited May 14, 2010 by Darth Vader

[dreamingoftigers]

Cheating is really the lowest thing you can do to someone in a relationship with you.

[jnj express]

Hey D.---Do you really wanna stay in the type of mge. you are now in---where your wife stays at a party she shouldn't have even been at, till the end--and the spreads her legs for some stranger, after every one else had gone home.

 

Your wife knew what she was doing---she wanted it, and she got it. Is that what you want for yourself, and your 4 kids---blatant disrespect for all of you, she could care less about her vows.

 

You seem to be stuck on loving this cheater so much that you will sacrifice the future of your kids, and yourself to let her screw around with strange men----IS THAT THE FUTURE OF YOUR MGE.

[Delwyn]

I have an update that I don't have time to type out now, but I'll be back on tonight (Hawaii time) to do a (almost) post-mortem of this. I'm thinking the divorce is going to happen.

[Delwyn]

I decided to get this off my chest now instead of later...

So here is a recap…some of these may be inconsistent with before because I didn’t want to reveal too much about us at first. Even though I am somewhat anonymous here, I now no longer care.

 

I am in the military. For the previous two years, my wife and kids were on the mainland while I was deployed to the middle east. About 9 months ago my deployment finished and now I’m in Hawaii and very little chance of deploying right now. I was in a state of depression when reuinited with my wife and kids, mostly because I wanted to get stationed on the mainland and the job I was given at the new base is not something I enjoy at all, nor am I good at it.

 

We’ve had no previous problems in our marriage. She did start seeing a psychologist about six months ago or so. I was working through my depression with another counselor, and I gained about 20 extra pounds and lost muscle mass. We also started martial arts for her and the kids last November. About two months ago she started hanging out with friends from the class. They were pretty nice, upstanding people, and all in their 20’s. I was starting to get back into shape, biking 40 miles a day when I had a vasectomy reversal because we had been talking about the reversal for 2 years and wanted more kids. Actually she wanted more than I did. We managed to get a good spot on the waiting list, and I had the surgery done two months ago now.

 

She had also recently lost a few more pounds and she was looking hotter than ever. She could fit into smaller dresses and she was buff from working out a lot.

 

Two weeks after the surgery, I was scheduled for a watch, but it was one of her friends’ birthdays. She wanted me to go with them, but I couldn’t change my watch. This is the type of watch where I’m there during the day, then take a cell phone home with me and I’m on call until the next morning, so I can’t go out, nor can I drink or anything. Mind you, two weeks after a reversal, I’m still in pain, not allowed to have sex for 4 weeks, and not allowed to even do ANY exercise for six weeks., but I am able to stand watch. We hadn’t had sex for about two weeks at that point. She went out with friends…movie, karaoke, and dancing. She didn’t take ger phone with her, so she texted me from one friend’s number to let me know how I could contact her.

 

A little after midnight, maybe 1am she texted me to say that karaoke was finished and she would be leaving to come home soon. About an hour and a half later she still wasn’t home and I get worried, mad, and all that, so I text the friend and ask if she is still there with them or not. No reply, it ends up the friend was already home and passed out. And when I was texting was probably when she was with another guy…a stranger who had been flirting with her and asked her if she wanted to “go someplace”. About an hour or less later, she got home, and I’m still awake on the couch waiting for her. I went off on her about how late she was getting home (4am maybe?) when she had me worrying about her and she had an appointment at 8am and all that. I REALLY tore into her. She had a chance to reveal her infidelity right there. Instead she didn’t. I actually apologized to her later because I thought I overreacted and I told her that. I told her that I trust her and I shouldn’t have reacted like that. Again nothing. There was one more evening event that I went to dinner with them to, but had to come home because of work the next morning. ( I work a rotating schedule—swing shift) She stayed out.

 

Over the next couple weeks we fooled around a bit. The weeks after the surgery that is…we never went all the way because I wasn’t allowed to ejaculate but the pain was almost gone. I also started seeing changes in her. Looking back now, and she even said it too, she wanted me to confront her. She wanted me to find her out. Se made comments about not keeping her on a pedestal, and that she wasn’t as nice as I thought and etc. Then the confession…we had just finished having sex. She was about to blow dry her hair before going to sleep and we were chatting. As I mentioned earlier, she made a comment about maybe needing some more spice in the bedroom. That’s when I told her that it weirded me out a bit right then and I told her about how she has been acting and I asked her and she confessed. I do believe her that it was just that one time., and there haven’t been any others. I’m not going to explain how I know this for sure, let’s just take that as a given for now.

 

So, the confession was Tuesday night/Wednesday morning of last week, We talked back and forth. An open relationship was talked about, dismissed and talked about again. She also said that she didn’t know if she loved me anymore. Then I came home from a full day of going into work on my day off and then seeing the lawyer. During that day I couldn’t wear my wedding ring. I felt guilty about it. But the inscription on the inside of it said “To the love of my life” I obviously am not the love of her life if she cheats on me.

I returned home from the lawyer’s office and she had a note for me in the bedroom that said “I love you. I had forgotten”. I flew off the handle, I yelled at her and told her that those were just words to me right now. I grabbed my ring from the car where I had left it, and placed it in front of her. I asked her if she remembered the inscription on the ring, and then I told her that those were just words right now. She told me that she did love me and that she was giving herself back to me completely. I told her that actions speak louder than words and she would need to prove it. We had a big talk about divorce and what the lawyer had said. I told her that we wouldn’t commit to staying together or divorcing just yet, but we would wait a while and figure it out.

 

She said that she felt that our relationship lacked the fire it used to have, for at least a few months. She felt like we needed to recapture that. She also said that I almost treated her like I was her father sometimes. She had a few other comments about the way I had been acting. I told her okay, maybe I hadn’t been the most fun person during my depression, and maybe I had gained a few pounds, but I had had surgery. Also, I told here that this was a separate issue from the cheating, and that she is to blame for the cheating. I agreed to work with her on “making me more fun” or however we put it. She agreed that the cheating was her fault and not mine at all.

 

The next day and a half was work and stuff. We were friendly to eachother. We were talking and working things out and I thought we were starting to understand eachother again. We talked more, even though I continue even now to have emotional outbursts. We talked about making this marriage work, and we talked about goals..she was still confused about her goals.

 

Friday evening I cut out of work a little early to go to a wine tasting event. We took a cab there and met great people, drank a lot of wine, and came home and I pick her up, carry her to the bedroom and we had some of the best sex we’ve had in a long time. Afterwords she said that that was great and she felt the fire that she had been missing in our relationship, with the good time at the event and what followed.

 

Saturday night, I again cut out from work early. Someone she knows is having an open mic freestyle night. While getting ready we talk more and I’m trying to stay upbeat and hopeful that we can work things out. I start asking her about her sexual fantasies, with the idea that fantasies are what they are. Sometimes they are better left as just fantasies, sometimes they are something to just role-play in bed, and sometimes they can actually be explored. I’ll shorten this part by leaving out the specifics of what we talked about, but I did tell her that one of my fantasies was that she hooked up with another girl, had wild sex with the girl and then told me all about it, and then we’d have really good sex. Well, that turned her on. We decided that after the open mic thing, we would go to a strip club and then dancing and that she would see what it is like to hit on a girl and maybe pick one up.

 

Open mic was fun. I had never gone before but I secretly really liked freestyle and like it better now that I’ve been there at a live event. She was practically sitting on my lap at the event and we had a great time. We then went to a strip club. Not let me just say, that even though I’ve been overseas many times to the more exotic places, I’ve never been to a strip-club. I did that out of respect for her. This was my first time ever at a strip club, and let’s just say that I didn’t hate it at all. I also didn’t find it all that appealing. I was tuned on, and this one dancer has an awesome dragon tattoo, but I kept looking at my wife who was sitting at the bar. She sat next to me at one of the stages for a little bit, but not long. Eventually I went to the bar and talked to her. She said that she was uncomfortable and wanted to go.

 

We walked outside and around the corner a bit and she said that she hated the place. She hated seeing me giving the money to the strippers and she hated that she wasn’t the center of my attention. She was jealous as heck! She also asked how much I had to drink so far and she seemed to be really concerned even thought we both had drunk the same amount of alcohol. I told her right there on the street corner that she was the one that cheated on me and yet she was jealous now? I found out from her later that she had been talking to a girl at the bar and was trying to figure out a way to flirt with her to pick her up. She had asked the girl if she knew of anyone in there that was into girls. The girl at the bar said that she wasn’t but some of the girls there were, but would need to be paid for sex. My wife had tried her fantasy and had encountered the awkward reality that she was nervous and also didn’t like seeing me in there paying attention to someone else.

 

I tried to be a happy drunk, changed the subject and got her out of there and to the dance club. We danced for another hour or two and then went home. We had the cabbie drop us off a little ways from home so we could talk and walk. We continued chatting when we got home. That’s when she revealed meeting the girl at the bar. We got into a big fight about it all too. She couldn’t stomach seeing me “wasting” money on the strippers when she could “do a better job than them”. I didn’t enjoy seeing her hurt like that, but I felt that it was necessary and that maybe she could see how much a hypocrite she is being.

 

Then the subject turned to this…she wants a separation to get stuff out of her system and then she will come back to me forever. Okay..problems with this…

1. Having sex with someone else during a separation is still cheating to me. She doesn’t think so.

2. The way I see it, there is no guarantee that after this indefinite time of being separated (she said one month) that she will get back with me and be true to me forever and be in love with me forever. Our marriage and trust was promised to be forever and we see where that is now.

3. She doesn’t work, so I would be paying for her to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. I am NOT cool with that!

4. She gave me permission to do whatever and whoever I wanted during the separation too. Umm, okay…I’m not old, I’m average looking, and I’ve already lost 10 pounds in 4 days and gained 8 pounds of muscle since the doctor cleared me to start exercise again (probably not good numbers, but it seems like it), but I’m also not good at hitting on women anymore, and I’ve probably lost all my moves. But the bottom line is that I don’t want any other woman. I want her. She is my wife, and I love her and I can’t imagine being with another woman. Let’s talk about the military too…adultery, while not being easy to prove is still against UCMJ art 134, and I am subject to punishment for such. A separation during marriage is NOT an excuse to be adulterous.

 

I told her all of that, and we continued our fight. We started to really get nasty with eachother. I think it was mostly the booze from that night. I also tore off (ripped to shreds) the shirt I was wearing that night. She has said that I looked really good in it, and she was upset that I tore it. But I was talking to her about how my heart was still broken, and all this stuff in the house means nothing to me right now. I then ripped off my shirt and yelled at her about how my heart is still beating but it is broken and it won’t be easy to mend. After she scolded me for wasting the shirt, we then went to bed and slept.

 

Here’s my current plan. Tomorrow morning (Monday) I’m finally going to get my ass into the bank and close the old joint accounts, and open new accounts in just my name. I’m going to cut her off from all finances, except what I give her. The lawyer recommended that I do it right away, but I waited a bit. I’m going to see what we can do about getting marriage counseling, but it’s over. I’ve had enough of her games over the last,,OMG only four days. If she isn’t going to act like a married woman with four kids and a loving husband, then she doesn’t deserve any of it.

 

Now, because I am military, the lawyer said that she will probably get custody of the kids. It’s just the way most judges lean around here. Especially if I can’t care for them as a single father working full time in the military with the rare, but real, chance of being deployed at a moment’s notice. Probably wouldn’t be deployed, but I wouldn’t be deployable with the kids/ The lawyer said that the kids would stay on my military healthcare plan, but my soon to be ex-wife would probably lose medical coverage.

 

But for now it is Sunday. I am about to go to work for the day. I will apologize to my wife for some of the nasty things I said to her last night, and I will agree with her that we need a separation from eachother that is called a “divorce”. She can go off to the family wedding on the mainland in two months with the kids and never come back. I am done with this. I don’t deserve this, and neither do the kids. I need to celebrate the 14 great years we’ve had together for the great memories and joy it brings both of us, but we can’t go on living together. I am still in shock about how fast this all happened. We communicate well and she could have talked to me about stuff bugging her. I thought we were happy…not perfect, but happy. I certainly was happy.

 

I was willing to do anything to keep her, but I didn't see the same sort of attitude in her. I hate this, because this wasn't supposed to be the story of our life. I wanted to grow old with her. I wanted to celebrate grandchildren with her. I wanted to always be there for her. She has always made me feel so much life, and yet I gave so much to her while she was so selfish. I gave her anything she wanted. She wanted to learn surfing with our oldest kid. I sat on the beach with the others and watched. Knowing that we couldn't really afford all the things we were doing if we both did them, so I sacrificed and was thrifty and let her have the fun and I lived through her excitement and joy.

 

Damn it! I still love her so much and would forget all this if she just came downstairs right now and told me that she totally and completely for ever and ever would be true to me and love me. No reservations.

[jnj express]

Hey D---You are doing it right----if she can't be exclusively yours, as mge. vows state she is to be----then there is no mge.---kids or not.

 

If you have any hopes of any kind of R. THEN YOU CAN NOT SEPERATE.

 

If you seperate and she starts having sex with whoever, and it may be just the one guy she led you to believe was a stranger. No matter she CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE, if there is any possibility of R. Actually she needs to go NC with that whole group, and stop the karate classes.

 

If she still wants to seperate then, let her know if she walks out the door, then D. papers will be served immediately, and tell her to pack her belongings and get out. When you put it like that SHE JUST MAY WAKE UP, AND REALIZE THESE GUYS SHE IS MESSING AROUND WITH ARE NOT GONNA PROVIDE FOR HER, AND THE FURTHER WAKE UP CALL IS TO GIVE HER THE WANT ADS, AND TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO LOOK FOR A JOB, NOW, so she can start to pull her share. Those things combined may do the trick.

 

Goin gto strip clubs, and 3some fantasies, are not the way mge., works, if that is what you want, you will not like the results.

 

You are on track, about drying up her money, credit cards, ets. she will not like having to even think about getting a job---but stick it out there and keep reminding her that that is what she needs to do, if she is gonna leave you.

 

Do not stay in this mge., if she is determined to be with other guys---it will just tear you up, as it is already doing.

[LifesontheUp]

she wants a separation to get stuff out of her system and then she will come back to me forever.

 

She gave me permission to do whatever and whoever I wanted during the separation too.

 

she just came downstairs right now and told me that she totally and completely for ever and ever would be true to me and love me. No reservations.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

I think there is more to this than your wife is letting on. I think she has been having more than a 1 night stand with some stranger. She knows him and wants to go have a relationship with him but wants you as the back up plan IMHO.

 

The bolded bit is pure manipulation to keep you sweet in case her affair doesn't work out

[Darth Vader]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

I think there is more to this than your wife is letting on. I think she has been having more than a 1 night stand with some stranger. She knows him and wants to go have a relationship with him but wants you as the back up plan IMHO.

 

The bolded bit is pure manipulation to keep you sweet in case her affair doesn't work out

 

She's in her 30's? That's in the right age bracket for women to start going crazy! Happens all the time. Anyway, your wife just wants a little strange at your and the childrens expense. Did you tell your wife that she also cheated on all of her children as well? She did! You had surgery, she knew that, Heck! You both agreed with that decision! She knew what you couldn't do at the time, she knew that you are military, that you can be deployed anywhere, anytime! She knew that she couldn't have sex with you all the time, whenever she wanted!

 

She just doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions or suffer any consequences of her actions! It sounds like your wife just doesn't get it!

 

You even explained that you can't screw around on her because of the military protocals! Good call on telling her that! I think she knew that anyway, but she doesn't care. She sounds like a cake eater! She wants her cake and eat it too!

 

I would also cancel any and all credit cards as well, because once the money stops flowing, she'll turn to plastic and run up the bill!

 

Heck! I'd for sole custody of the children just to avoid child custody payments and alimony! Which by the way, you need a really good Men's Rights Lawyer! You also need to protect your Retirement! Don't play fair with this chic! She won't play nice or fair! She'll make you pay for her screwing someone else! Count on it! She's not your friend, she's your worse enemy! More so now, than the Taliban!

 

I think you should have a talk with Gunny376, he posts mainly in the Separation and Divorce section of these forums. He'll be able to help more than I can, his wife cheated on him, well I'll let him tell you more.

 

Thank You for Serving our Country and God Bless You!:cool::bunny::bunny::bunny::cool:

[Darth Vader]

Go ahead and post over there as well, he'll pop in soon enough.

[seibert253]

Have to agree with Life on up. I dont' think you're getting the full story.

 

I really like that you're giving her the ultimatium. She needs to make a choice, you and your M, or D.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, sorry you are going through with this mess.

 

she actually required you pay for her expenses when you are seperated and she can sleep with anyone she can? Don't do it, this is a slow way of torturing you.

 

I think she needs find a job rather than a new man to sleep with. Her life is empty. maybe she considers you a father to her, whom will never let her taste the consequences, maybe you have always spoiled her, and this became a pattern.

 

If she wants to explore the world, then she should go all the way, take actions and reap consequences. Now she wants you to be the safty net, she takes actions, YOU reap the consequences. Don't do this, not good to her. Now she needs to grow a set of sense of responsibility. If she doesn't learn it now, she won't later.

 

Why does she think you are a safty net? maybe she sensed that you cannot leave her, and she is going to use this.

 

Let her know that what will seperation do to you, what will that affect your love and feeling and trust to her if she sleeps with other men. Be honest with her, let her know the consequences of her sleeping with other men, show her that you are not a stone who isn't have feelings. I don't think playing jealous game is a good idea. Let her know that you may or maynot want to take her back after her wild explore, especially maynot. She can freely choose, but with consequences. If you let her know you will be there no matter what, she is going to exploit that, her mind isn't at right place right now, sorry.

 

You have to be strong. Does your lawyer say about the pay for her during the seperation? Will this affect later possible divorce in any way?

 

If she doesn't agree she is all her alone during seperation, then straight divorce may sound good.

 

She doesn't take responsibilities for her own actions. Probably you helped her doing so in the past, but don't anymore. When a husband becomes like a father, he won't be attractive in her eyes, espectially in the sex area.

 

You need to take control of yourself not acting like a father. Tough love is very needed for her right now.

Edited May 17, 2010 by Lovelybird

[Cinnamon2000]

 

We walked outside and around the corner a bit and she said that she hated the place. She hated seeing me giving the money to the strippers and she hated that she wasn’t the center of my attention. She was jealous as heck!

 

 

Do you see how that does not make sense? She is jealous as heck, but yet, she is willing to allow you to date other women for a month or so, including romantic dinner and sleeping with them?

 

The only explaination is that she is having an affair that she wants to explore more. It was not a one night stand. It's much more than that.

[Lovelybird]

Do you see how that does not make sense? She is jealous as heck, but yet, she is willing to allow you to date other women for a month or so, including romantic dinner and sleeping with them?

 

The only explaination is that she is having an affair that she wants to explore more. It was not a one night stand. It's much more than that.

That because she knows that OP cannot sleep with other women, if he do, he'd face punishment from army.

 

I think she is lost in a wonderland, think can do whatever she wants, not bearing any consequences

[lostsunsets]

Your lawyer was right. Separate finances immediately and open new accounts. She needs to be indoctrinated into the cruel realities of being a single mom. File for divorce. She really needs a wake up call. So she wants to basically go screw guys for a month or more and then come back and love you for ever and ever.....oh puulease. Tell her that you think the separation should be a little bit longer, like forever. Stay strong.

[asia2269]

Delwyn 15 years is a long time and your situation is a toughie. I know how much you love her. But it takes 2 to make things work. Don't do this thing she wants just to please her. If you do can you honestly tell yourself you wouldn't get hurt? I know you will. I suggest you both do conseling first so a third party can give you both advice. I did try to put my shoes in your situation and this happened to me to. But, no matter how hard I try to forget it still haunts me. I'm not getting any younger and I definitely don't want to age knowing that if something bad happens to me like I get sick my partner and best friend would not be there but, with someone else. Kindly rethink your situation before making a terrible decision that could hurt you. Everyone deserves to love and be love by a committed partner. The ball is in your court not hers. Take care!

[Lecturer]

Tragic and heartbreaking. The separation idea is horrible - I'm glad she was stupid enough to make it, though, for you to see a true glimpse of her mind. You now know that you are not what she wants in this world, and her feelings just don't match yours at all.

 

IMO, it would have been BETTER for her to desire to sleep with other guys, but for you to not be with others... the fact that she doesn't care if you are with others truly shows a a complete disconnection. Then again, I imagine it is all irrelevant, because the plan would never be to get back together after the 1 month.. I'd bet a tidy sum of money that, if you went through with it, she'd either not want to get back together, or she'd want to continue her antics after.

 

Pay her bills while she sleeps around... incredible audacity.