My sister seems to be in an abusive relationship

[magda]

Ugh, where do I begin? My sister has issues: depression, anger, drug abuse, hopelessness, gives too much.. naive. Along comes Mr. Winner. Violent criminal history, 2 kids by different mothers, all "ghetto tough". So they jump into their relationship, most of which takes place while he is in jail. While they are in the back of a police car, they get engaged. And he's in jail, but other than that, my sister was so, so happy. Talking about wedding dresses! So we all get together and kind of shrug, and make this wedding happen, because that's what she was doing. (Not that I didn't warn her )The week before, she's crying, staying with family until the wedding is over and things calm down. They're just too stressed about the wedding, she says, fighting about little things. I tell her, you don't have to do this. But people were already on the way to the airport. Now I find out he's been hitting her, being constantly gone, showing up with women, won't let her talk to guys, all starting right before the wedding (about 7 or 8 months into their relationship - actually, as soon as they moved out of his Aunt's house).

 

They had a big blow out today. I picked her up and it really sounds like it should be over, she showed me her bruises and deep scratches. Her sweatshirt was torn. She told me she already requested divorce paperwork, something like that. Apparently she threw bleach on his clothes. She packed "everything important" and had a bunch of stuff when I picked her up. Seemed pretty final and I asked her and she said, "Not really thinking about getting back with him." And we talked about this in depth.

 

But then! 6 hours later, she leaves in his car. After arguing on the phone a long while, in between sobbing. I tried to not let her go, I told her point blank, you're on suicide watch as far as I'm concerned. It's horrible, it's humiliating, they've been married less than a month, she got the whole family to come out for that. We talked about this a lot, me trying to tell her all the good stuff about what a partnership should be like, and how other people should make us feel. I tried... and all that inspired in her was the idea that they just don't talk well, and they need to try this one last time to resolve their communication problem before giving up. He's such a loser. He picks her up out front, says a few words and drives down the street cuz she didn't talk to him right. But then he comes back and drives off all fast and tough guy.

 

She broke her phone here at my house, when she was arguing with him. So I can't call her. And she can't call me. and she lives about a 20 min drive away sort of in a bad area. I've been reading about abusive relationships and I'm sort of scared. Plus, even if he runs off tonight and she's alone there, she might hurt herself. But I let her go, couldn't stop her really, and it wasn't until she was driving away that I realized, I have no way to call her, or she me if something were to go bad. So now I'm up late fretting.

 

But that's the other thing. My sister has a history of causing me to fret about her stuff pretty often. She just seems to need constant help, but material help. My words go in and she says I'm right, but she continues the same behavior. And I believe she is allowing him to do the same. Also, she has an anger problem herself and I don't imagine her innocent in all this. It's difficult to draw the line between legitimate familial worrying and just sitting back telling myself she knows where to find me for help and what sort of help I'm available to give.

 

I'm afraid that they will fight tonight, he will leave, and she is going to be there all alone, and I believe she is suicidal - unless of course they make up, then she wont be. If I were to do something crazy, try to go over there, call the police to check or something if they even would, it would probably be pointless. But she doesn't even have a phone. How would she call for herself. Her neighbors are very shady, she says. I've never even been there she just moved in a couple weeks ago. Mr. Winner's own mother told my sister on the phone, "If he comes back I'm calling the police." But she wants to make him just understand, and she just wants to have somebody.

 

It's totally ****ing heartbreaking and it is going to take a long time to get her out of this mess. Not to mention, even if she doesn't break up with him, I'm really not cool with him coming over any more - what little he did. I don't want to see him anymore. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt - he says all the right things and I could never tell - but my sister did not tell me he hit her. I have a kid, I don't want him around my family whatsoever, this is nuts.

Edited May 12, 2010 by magda

[magda]

I can't get in touch with her yet today so I still don't know if she's okay. I don't think she went to work today.

 

I guess there isn't much to say about all this. I knew that already.

[quankanne]

hugs to you Madga, our family is going through something similar with a relative, and it's really quite heart-breaking.

 

but, until either your sister or my relative reach a point where they say "no more" and actually mean it, the most we can do is stand by, as prepared as can be and praying constantly for their safety, both physical and mental.

 

maybe something you can help with is to talk to your sister about setting up a safeplace for her important documents so that *if* she must flee, she has got what she needs: Marriage paperwork, SS cards, other legal paperwork, etc. That might make the idea more concrete that there's life after abuse ...

 

you'll both be in my prayers, I know how rough it can be, being forced to stand on the sidelines when all you really want to do is step in and administer some tough love to both pinheads!

[magda]

Thank you, Quankanne, really... It's helpful for me to just get this out and have someone read it. I will give some thought to your suggestion about a safe place for documents.

 

As an update, I haven't talked to my sister, but I found out she's probably okay - at least not hurt or dead or something. I had to text Mr. Winner to find this out, after calling her work and finding that she at least called in sick. I was worried she might pull a no-show. He replies to me very politely and says she's sleeping shall he wake her up to talk to me? I said, guess not. So once again, I have been worrying yet "everything is fine" and the drama is all sleeping again. I would rather not have him in my life but for as long as my sister is with him I am now thinking that it's best that I "keep my enemies close".

 

My husband tells me I might want to consider something like Al-anon. I don't know what that would do, though. I feel like the situation sucks - but I'm okay. It's nice sometimes to vent but I think my head is on straight. Usually setting boundaries is more of a problem when she seemed to be on drugs, which hasn't been an issue lately. This abuse thing is totally new. It's always something new though I guess. Part of me thinks, I don't blame her for feeling so hopeless. I am feeling hopeless about her future myself.

[Green]

You are a strong person do deal with these issues. Don't feel guilt or blame youreslef though. All you can do is be there for your sister, it is her life to ruin

[turnera]

By continuing to help her, you are enabling them to stay in an abusive situation.

 

Al-Anon would be GREAT for you. People in dysfunctional families learn to enable that one person who is the big mess. You become dependent on helping her. Which keeps her being a mess.

 

Time to step away and let her hit her own rock bottom so SHE will want to get help.