He confessed to cheating in his marriage...what to make of this?

[befuddled11]

I recently met a seemingly very nice, sweet, sincere guy...in his mid 30s like myself.

 

He told me from the start that he's divorced (for a few months now). Said he'd met his wife when they were both 18, they married at age 21 and had been married 13 yrs. He initially (and rather vaguely) explained that the reason "he left" was because neither of them made each other happy. I figured there had to be more to this, especially due to the fact that he kept telling me what great friends him and his ex wife still are, that she's a wonderful person and he wishes her the best, that she'll always have a place in his heart.

 

It all sounded too "rosy" to me. So why did they divorce, really?

 

During our second conversation, I could get a sense that he wanted to get something off of his chest. To make a long story short, he started off by telling me that for the latter 7 yrs of their marriage, they were more like "brother and sister" than husband and wife...that he's a very affectionate person and his ex wife was totally the opposite, and that he was slowly dying inside because he felt that if he loved her more, she'd be more affectionate and the way he thought a married couple should be.

 

Now keep in mind, this is only what HE has told me.

 

So he said that 2 yrs before the end of his marriage, he was away on a ski trip and some woman he met there came onto him and before you know it, he did something he never thought he'd do..and I guess they fooled around. Says they didn't have sex, though.

 

Says the guilt of having done this killed him.....so he decided to leave his wife. He didn't tell her about this other woman. He says he then moved in with this woman. Still not telling his wife the truth.

 

He ended up confessing it to her months later, they agreed to try working things out, but he said it still felt like they were just brother and sister. He says that in their last 2 yrs of marriage, they didn't even have sex (do I believe this?).....and he was too ashamed to talk to close friends about this.....wondering if THIS was how marriage could be.

 

Anyway, he ended up back with the other woman....but ended up breaking up with her because he says she was a "constant reminder" of his unfaithfulness....and after a lot of soul searching and reflection, he wanted to get himself together.

 

I can tell as he's confessing all this, that it's very hard for him. He keeps telling me that he'll likely always feel some degree of guilt. He says that just the night before, him and the EX wife were talking on the phone, and he was asking her something to the effect of, "how do I ever explain to a future potential girlfriend about what I did without her thinking the worst of me?" He says his ex wife told him to stop beating himself up about it.....and that if he hadn't done that, they'd likely still be together but not be happy.....that neither of them had been happy for several years.

 

So after he tells me all this, he wants to know what I think of him.

 

How awkward.

 

I DO admire his honesty, he surely didn't have to tell this all to me this early on........but now that I know, how the hell, in good conscience, could I invest any time getting to know someone who has cheated on his wife? How stupid would I be?

 

yes, I know..we all make mistakes....but I was once married to a very frequent cheater...I remember the pain. I know the pain others have gone through because of cheating spouses. I've always believed that once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

But geez, how many guys I'm sure I've dated who cheated on exes in their past, that I just didn't know about.........at least here's a guy who has been honest from the start...and I get the sense that it still really bothers him a lot (though that could also cross over into him being someone with a lot of "issues").

 

So what do I tell him? I feel it would crush him to say, "sorry pal, I appreciate your honesty and I admire the great qualities I know about you so far, but you were a cheating dog and I'd never trust you, so see ya."

 

What would YOU do/say, in a situation like this?

 

Thanks

[moimeme]

once a cheater, always a cheater

 

That is no more the case than 'once a crook, always a crook'. Plenty of cheaters (and crooks) make one mistake, realize what a dreadful mistake it was, learn from the guilt, and never do it again. It sounds like you've found a great guy - someone who actually feels guilty for betraying his wife. The suffering he's gone through will serve as a deterrent for him from now on. It's like buying a demo car - you know the kinks have already been worked out so you already know how it behaves.

[jenny]

i concur. someone who can admit mistakes is rare and fine; he sounds like a good guy who is abashed by his own floundering. i say give him a chance; to do otherwise is determinism.

 

his actions are not continuous, but his remorse is; that's something.

[befuddled11]

I understand what you're saying, because I've thought about it from that perspective, too.

 

However, what if I did date him and he ended up cheating.....if that happened, I'd only have myself to blame.....I wouldn't even be able to be angry at him, I could only be angry at myself. I'd only be able to think to myself, "you stupid woman, you knew there was a red flag there to begin with, yet you chose to ignore it."

 

Something else too........of course I'm only hearing his side of the story. Maybe his ex wife wasn't this "non-affectionate" frigid person who wasn't interested in sex. Maybe that's all just a convenient made-up "excuse" for why he cheated. He says he figures the reason he went to this other woman was because "she made me feel like she really wanted to be with me." It sounds like he had self esteem issues.

 

So who's to say he's fully dealt with his self esteem issues? Maybe it really boosted his ego to have this woman come onto him. Maybe he's still very much *into* (and needs) the attention of "other women".......

 

I did come right out and ask him, "so you stayed in a marriage for so long that you say you weren't very happy in, you felt like her brother instead of her husband.......so what is to stop you from getting into another relationship and unhappily remaining in it for years, only to end up leading the person to believe that things are good and that you're happy?" He said he's "learned a lot" about himself through all of this. Well who WOULDN'T say that?

 

He says he's lost contact with a lot of good friends him and his ex wife had together, back in their home town. That because of the kind of man he is, and how everyone thought they had a "perfect marriage", they've all been so shocked that he cheated..but he says "however, they only know how things appeared on the surface, they don't know how I was really feeling inside or how unhappy we both were." He says he used to very much look down on coworkers (guys) who were cheating on their wives...yet now, he's been very much humbled because he's done that which he despised in others.

 

I think, though....that he's got a LOT of guilt about this.....perhaps TOO MUCH so, to be starting a new relationship. He still talks about his ex wife a lot......how they still talk on the phone and that he'll always care so much about her (but that they'd never get back together)..how much his family miss her and that she'll likely always be a part of his familys' Christmases etc. He even went so far as to say that he thinks I have a lot of the really great qualities that she had: thoughtfulness, caring, etc etc...and he bets that her and I are so much alike, we'd probably be great friends under other circumstances. I asked him if maybe he was looking for a "replacement"....that I appreciate him complimenting my personality traits, but I found it uncomfortable for him to tell me, considering he really doesn't know me that well yet, that I'm a lot like his ex.

 

I have a feeling this guy has a lot of issues. On top of the fact that he professes what great friends him and ex wife still are, and how much he still cares about her and wishes her the best, I find it hypocritical that he could think so much of her yet he cheated on her and left her without even telling her why.

 

Going to have to think more about this.

 

As our conversation was ended the past night, he said to me, "I likely won't hear from you again now, now that I've told you all of this"......he almost sounded quite insecure.......and though I could understand his concern that his "revelation" might scare me off, the last thing I want is an insecure man........because is he so insecure that he's just on the borderline of needing to be with other women to make himself feel "good about himself"?

[jenny]

hmmm; ok. then i'm re-ruminating as well. i do think your intuition is trying to tell you something, but i will have to read a few more times to figure out what.

 

i dig intuition; it's always inarticulable logic, so there is something about his words or actions that is not kosher or consistent.

 

i'm just responding to your responses, and i think there is evidence here.

 

interestingly, what detectives do professionally is figure out how they begin to feel distrust for people; facial tics, eyes going up to the left, forensic inconsistencies, statements of goodness or hyper-morality that could not possibly be true, etcetera. something is striking you here, and i think it's important to attend to it.

 

i don't know. this one is really up to you, i guess. but keep us updated.

[moimeme]

It may be that he's not a good prospect, but it would be more that he doesn't sound as though he's truly over the ex.

 

As for

you stupid woman, you knew there was a red flag there

 

That would only be the case if "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. It is not. It's just a convenientlly-phrased myth.