Borderline Mom wants Info

[Shindig]

My BPD mother and I have been estranged for some time. We email fairly regularly but I prefer to keep her at arms length since she's quite volatile and has a tendency to throw destructive tantrums and make up stories (e.g. she once told my employer that I have a criminal record which is completely untrue and was very disruptive to my work life). She recently emailed my Aunt to ask for my physical address. Fortunately, my Aunt wrote me to say that she hadn't given out my address and asked what to tell my Mother. I told her my Mother could expect to hear from me.

 

Now I'm set with the task of figuring out how to tell my Mother she's not welcome to my address without upsetting her too much (which if you're familiar with BPD, is virtually impossible). I know she'll keep asking friends and family until someone gives it to her and part of me wonders if I should say anything at all. Maybe I can just ask why she didn't feel comfortable asking me for my address. I'm not sure.

 

I'm curious if anyone has any suggestions.

[Shindig]

Does anyone have any advice?

[brainygirl]

That's a hard one. My mom was a boarderline too. She was crazy to live with and would throw fits. Some of them caused childhood friendships to be ruined. But she was also very instrumental in the person I am now, and despite my problems, I am proud of who I am and what I've done.

 

I lost her nine years ago. With her gone, life is calmer. I know now that when people get mad it isn't forever and that once something is over, its over. But I still miss her. I miss her knowing my children and talking to her about my problems.

 

So I cannot imagine not wanting my mother to know where I live. Of course, as crazy and unpredictable as she was, she always had my back and would never have told an employer a negative lie about me. (showing up and yelling at him about not giving me a raise on the other hand . . . )

[LuckyCharm]

WHOA....That sounds alot like my mom and I started wondering if she too has BPD since I never heard about it till now and I think she does!

 

I had to cut off contact with my mom almost 2 years ago cause she would cause problems, stir up nasty rumors and called EVERYONE who had contact with me and made such drama it got to the point I didn't even tell her my address when I moved, she tried getting the address from my MIL but MIL didn't give it to her. I told my mom flat out that I don't want her to have my address.

I really tried making things better with her but she tends to ruin every relationship she has so I finally couldn't take it any more and cut off contact with her. she still kept harassing me and contacting the people who are close to me but personally I have never regretted cutting her out of my life, if any thing it makes me sick to think about letting her back into my life.

 

I'm not trying to say you need to do what I did but just flat out tell your mom you don't want her to have your address, she doesn't have to like it but it's your life and you need to be the one in control.]

Hope this helps:)

[dazzle22]

Well, my mom is not BPD but she was very passive agressive controlling, and used to always 'get sick 'and be in bed looking like death warmed over when I did anything that upset her. That is why I moved 3000 miles away from her! So, I know a bit how you feel.

 

I think you have to treat such people a bit like the children they are. Firmly set boundaries and say, "I am not comfortable with giving you that information, given the history we have together. I am expecting you to pull yourself together and act like an adult about this information, and if you don't, I unfortunately will need to distance myself further from you for my own well being."

[Shindig]

She finally asked me herself. I told her, "I am more comfortable keeping our communications to electronic mail for now. I hope you can understand and respect my need for privacy." and I haven't heard from her since. I suppose I've done myself a favor: setting a clear boundary and I've got full rights to get upset when she violates it. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

[Shindig]

Also,@LuckyCharm, if you're under the impression your mom may be a borderline personality, I would recommend reading Understanding the Borderline Mother. by Lawson.

[ADF]

As you pointed out, not upsetting a person with BPD is nearly impossible. Don't worry about upsetting her. You are an adult and have every right to limit who gets your address.