Why not be straight with your partner?

[JustJoe]

AS many posters know, I am just getting out of an EMA. I insisted on disclosure with my MW, not to punish her or reward her, and not to assuage any guilt I may have had for engaging a MW in an affair. I did it to be open and honest with ALL parties, so nobody could ever say that they didn't have all of the information , to make their own decisions...........So my question for ALL posters, BS'S, OP'S and WS"s, is...... why not be honest? What positive result can be gained by being dishonest? BTW, I don't mean " what's in it for me", but rather, why be deceitful, and why do you/did you feel it was necessary to keep this info from the other parties ? I have no axe to grind on this issue, as I chose to have an illicit affair, and (belatedly) decided that truthfulness was in everybody's best interest. So tell me your stories, and be civil about it, and maybe we can all benefit by the knowledge gained.

[Spark1111]

JustJoe, maybe it's me.....

 

I'm a grown up. I know there are no guarantees in life, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

I said to him: "Why didn't you tell me you had developed feelings for another? WE could have tried to work it out. We could have separated, gone to MC to see if there was a relationship worth saving. I, too, could have pursued other relationships in the event you decided to commit to her."

 

That would have been grown up, mature and honest.

 

As much as it would have hurt, I and our children would have respected him owning his choices and making a mature plan that included imput from all of us.

 

It is the lies and deception that kills.

 

But hey, who knows? Maybe it IS what keeps that secret, forbidden sex so highly charged and romanticized...the drama of it all.

 

When I discovered her existence, I told him to go get her.

 

The relationship went.....psssssst.

 

Not as much fun?

 

Or did he not want me to have the same fun he was having? Afraid I'd find a better man and well, that would be that.

 

There is something very controlling about secret affairs; control of the BS's actions, life, perceptions.

 

Not fair. And certainly not "grown-up," IMHO.

[JustJoe]

The illusion of "control", seems to be a recuring aspect on an affair.

[Fight4Me]

For my fWH, it was the dishonesty that killed the EMR, and in very short order. He has always been a man who was brutally honest with a high degree of integrity, so the deception was killing him. Within a matter of days, he became unrecognizable, but thank God he didn't allow it to go on for much longer. It would have made my healing far more difficult.

 

Why be dishonest and deceitful? That's a very good question, because as we can attest, nothing good comes from it.

[reboot]

I told my wife more than once, the lies are what hurt the most. It took a long time to get the whole truth.

[jennie-jennie]

I have always been honest to my SOs if I developed feelings for someone else. My MM chooses not to. He does not want to upset his home life. He wants to keep it intact. He believes it is in the best interest of his children.

[donnamaybe]

I have a hard time understanding why someone would excuse the same behaviors in their partner when they feel it isn't right to behave that way themselves. I mean, if you set those standards for yourself, wouldn't you want someone in your life who lives honestly as well?

 

I couldn't be proud of someone who is dishonest and sneaky.

[JustJoe]

I know that several posters will brag about their affairs with MP'S and how "in control ", they are, but it always seems that they are the ones who constantly come to LS for support and re-affirmation. Does any one feel that because they are themselves, deceitful , that this prohibits them from trusting anyone else?

[JustJoe]

Jennie, how are you able to love someone , who you know is capable of being dishonest?

[reboot]

We are all capable of being dishonest.

[Hazyhead]

I think both parties, OP and WS, generally conduct themselves dishonestly during the affair at least sometimes. When I started mine I was in a relationship and for the first couple of months was horribly dishonest. It ate me up and I confided increasingly in people as the A went on. I'm not proud of it, but I have learned from it.

[donnamaybe]

We are all capable of being dishonest.

 

But to what degree? To the degree that you live a complete lie with an unwilling participant, sometimes for years? I think it takes a "special" kind of person to lie that long and that hard and to hurt someone that deeply.

[reboot]

But to what degree? To the degree that you live a complete lie with an unwilling participant, sometimes for years? I think it takes a "special" kind of person to lie that long and that hard and to hurt someone that deeply.

 

I don't disagree with that at all.

[Hazyhead]

As an OP, even if you are completely open to those you know, you still facilitate somebody else's dishonesty.

[donnamaybe]

I think both parties, OP and WS, generally conduct themselves dishonestly during the affair at least sometimes. When I started mine I was in a relationship and for the first couple of months was horribly dishonest. It ate me up and I confided increasingly in people as the A went on. I'm not proud of it, but I have learned from it.

 

See. The bolded part is what many people are missing. It's the missing part that makes some folks say, "But I'm not the one who made the vows," or "Why should I care about someone I don't even know?"

 

The fact that it bothered you means you do care whether you hurt people or not. I like that.

[JustJoe]

Even though , in the beginning of my affair, I was as decptive as anyone else, I did urge my MW to reveal the truth to her H, I guess because at that point, I was in love and wanted more than just a "part-time lover".

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, how are you able to love someone , who you know is capable of being dishonest?

 

I too am at times capable of being dishonest. Are we not all?

 

My MM is honest to me to the degree that he rather hurts me than is dishonest.

 

I have a hard time understanding why someone would excuse the same behaviors in their partner when they feel it isn't right to behave that way themselves. I mean, if you set those standards for yourself, wouldn't you want someone in your life who lives honestly as well?

 

I couldn't be proud of someone who is dishonest and sneaky.

 

Because my MM views the world somewhat differently than I do and values and fears things in a different degree than I do, what would be totally unmoral for me to do is not for him from his perspective. It is about moral relativism, about not demanding that your SO has exactly the same moral system as you do.

[donnamaybe]

Because my MM views the world somewhat differently than I do and values and fears things in a different degree than I do, what would be totally unmoral for me to do is not for him from his perspective. It is about moral relativism, about not demanding that your SO has exactly the same moral system as you do.

 

Guys who beat their wives probably view the world somewhat differently than a guy who is against physical violence, but I doubt that makes it okay.

 

Gawd, talk about rationalizing!

[jennie-jennie]

Not fair. And certainly not "grown-up," IMHO.

 

I agree. It has the look to me of hiding something from mommy.

[jennie-jennie]

Guys who beat their wives probably view the world somewhat differently than a guy who is against physical violence, but I doubt that makes it okay.

 

Gawd, talk about rationalizing!

 

I didn't mean that my MM believes having an affair is okay. What he believes is that keeping an intact home for his kids is worth telling a lie. Or perhaps we should make that "living a lie"?

[donnamaybe]

I didn't mean that my MM believes having an affair is okay. What he believes is that keeping an intact home for his kids is worth telling a lie. Or perhaps we should make that "living a lie"?

 

But YOU don't believe it's okay, or you wouldn't say you wouldn't do it yourself. So how can you feel okay about that man being in your life when his behavior is substandard to YOUR personal belief system? What if you had a daughter and she was with a guy who robbed old ladies of their purses as a pastime? Because his personal belief system makes that okay, you would overlook it and welcome him into your daughter's life without a word?

 

I'm sure you'll come up with another "rational" explanation...

[xxoo]

But YOU don't believe it's okay, or you wouldn't say you wouldn't do it yourself. So how can you feel okay about that man being in your life when his behavior is substandard to YOUR personal belief system? What if you had a daughter and she was with a guy who robbed old ladies of their purses as a pastime? Because his personal belief system makes that okay, you would overlook it and welcome him into your daughter's life without a word?

 

I'm sure you'll come up with another "rational" explanation...

 

From the same line of thought--

 

What if you personally thought robbing people was immoral, but your partner made a good living robbing people and believed it was "worth" the robbing issue. Would you feel ok staying and enjoying the comfy income, as long as you aren't robbing people yourself?

[Spark1111]

I agree. It has the look to me of hiding something from mommy.

 

That is how it made me feel!

 

When did I become the mean mommy in the reenactment of your childhood issues?

 

Or, did you simply want to come home and host the family gatherings? Spend some time with your children? Still be perceived as the all around good-guy family man? Still need that illusion to keep you whole?

 

Because the truth of the matter is: you were obssessed with her! You emotionally checked out on all of us! You were ghost Dad, ghost husband, ghost employee, ghost man.

 

And when you could have her, finally full-time, why was that the last thing you seemed to want?

 

How unfair! To her, to me....to yourself.

 

Because now you spend every day trying to reconcile the man we all thought you were, with the man who lied to his loved ones every day for a very long time.

 

We have forgiven you. You will NEVER forgive yourself.

 

Sad, isn't it? When you could have just been honest about it all.

[jennie-jennie]

But YOU don't believe it's okay, or you wouldn't say you wouldn't do it yourself. So how can you feel okay about that man being in your life when his behavior is substandard to YOUR personal belief system?

 

Because he is not I. People from different cultures, different religions, different races, different value systems are in relationships all the time.

[jennie-jennie]

That is how it made me feel!

 

When did I become the mean mommy in the reenactment of your childhood issues?

 

Or, did you simply want to come home and host the family gatherings? Spend some time with your children? Still be perceived as the all around good-guy family man? Still need that illusion to keep you whole?

 

Because the truth of the matter is: you were obssessed with her! You emotionally checked out on all of us! You were ghost Dad, ghost husband, ghost employee, ghost man.

 

And when you could have her, finally full-time, why was that the last thing you seemed to want?

 

How unfair! To her, to me....to yourself.

 

Because now you spend every day trying to reconcile the man we all thought you were, with the man who lied to his loved ones every day for a very long time.

 

We have forgiven you. You will NEVER forgive yourself.

 

Sad, isn't it? When you could have just been honest about it all.

 

I hear you, Spark. I totally agree with you here.